what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

March 8, 2015

test results can be faked or lied about

It's easier just to lie about it, which the latter is likely the case.

Also, HPV is has no symptoms for a good while and men cannot even be tested for HPV. The only way a man can find out he has HPV (Genital Warts) is by having unprotected sex with a woman that doesn't have HPV, she gets tested, if she tests positive for HPV, that means HE has HPV, if she tests negative for HPV (yes, only women can be tested for HPV), then that means HE has HPV.

So you could be symptom free by passing this rather commonly spread disease without even knowing it.

March 8, 2015

Also, HPV is has no symptoms for a good while and men cannot even be tested for HPV. The only way a man can find out he has HPV (Genital Warts) is by having unprotected sex with a woman that doesn't have HPV, she gets tested, if she tests positive for HPV, that means HE has HPV, if she tests negative for HPV (yes, only women can be tested for HPV), then that means HE has HPV.

So you could be symptom free by passing this rather commonly spread disease without even knowing it.

wow! that's pretty confusing

March 8, 2015

wow! that's pretty confusing

Yeah, think I overused "HPV" a little too much yes? LOL. So, to avoid such confusion, don't plan on having sex with 20 sex partners in the year 2015. Thoughts of that human petri dish below the belt is quite disturbing.

March 8, 2015

Again, it seems my posts are completely overlooked due to the discussion that people have taken on in this thread.

Meh.

March 8, 2015

what entails a "bad past"?
how do I know how many sex partners is too many so my boyfriend might be turned off by it? or might even dump me for it?
i mean, i have spent a great amount of my life in relationships, but i always rebounded a lot, especially in my late teens after my first two real bad breakups. it's not like i got 'double penetrated and glazed in sperm every weekend when i was in college', like you said. actually, i have never experimented with more than one guy, never done anything crazy, except some kinky stuff with my most recent exboyfriend, who was really open.
i am just saying, i feel my boyfriend might think less of me if i tell him how many sex partners i had, i just feel it wouldn't be right to tell him the 'real' number... but i also think lying is bad.

The answer will be different from one person to another. This is why asking is so bothersome because the person being asked is in a very uncomfortable situation whether or not he/she is comfortable with his/her sexual experiences. I could tell one person I've had 10 partners and they'd be fine and his best friend would consider me a total skank.
I have also asked this question on the thread and got one answer (which was something along the lines of 'too much is when the woman decides she needs to lie about it. I will have more respect for someone with 100 partners who is honest about it'
If your boyfriend thinks less of you because of your sexual past, you are not a match. Think about it, do you really want to be with someone who will look at you and think 'eeww slut' anyways? Be honest. If it bothers him, find someone who will love you for the person you are as opposed to someone who thinks too many people played with his 'toy' before him (because you are a person, not a toy)

exactly, i really want to know if he'd judge me. but it's not like i can ask "so, would you judge me if the number was high?" -- that just gives it away.

Go ahead and ask him. It's possible he doesn't see this question as being judgemental and if you ask him if it will, it will give him a chance to say 'holy **** that not what I meant!!' and if he says yes, well see my answer above. I also love Valorie's saying : I am not a car and my value does notl ower with each ride.

Ok, i didnt have sex with 100 different guys, that's more than double of what i have experienced. i have friends who tell me they slept with 200 women/men or so, and i wonder, how is that even possible... but some people just go out a lot and meet a lot of 'potential' sex partners and go for it...
i personally couldn't be with a man who had been with that many women.
then again, my ex-boyfriend has probably been with about that many, but he never told me. he also told me he pretended he was my first. really lame.
that's just denial, isn't it?

Well to be brutally honest, I think that if you're going to be judging someone by their number of partners (whether it's too many or not enough) you don't get to be pissed someone else is judging you for the same thing. Sorry.

this pretty much sums it up for me, i feel the same way. i have been very loyal and monogamous over the past 8 years or so but before that was quite the promiscuous teen. i have never done crazy stuff but i did have many one night stands at the time. i remember every name of every man i have ever been with, and i know every surname too.

SO WHILE WE ARE AT IT, GUYS... TELL ME, HOW BIG OF A NUMBER IS... TOO BIG?

because as much as this thread has unfolded into an interesting collection of opinions regarding if someone would judge another person for having had many sexual partners, we didn't really establish how many would be too many, in such cases? i guess i'd like to know where i stand... especially because my partner has hinted at this question and has opened up to me that he hasn't had many sex partners (under 10), and he is in his mid-30s, a bit older than me.

We're not going to get that answer.
Not a specific number anyways because A) because it's going to be different from one person to another.
B) Too many variables. If one says less than 5 partners is ok, it basically means the girl who lost her virginity and slept with 3 other guys the following month (for a total of 4) VS the girl who has had 6 boyfriends and slept with all of them.
You can't forget the age factor too. 5 partners for a 16 year old VS 5 partners for a 25 year old

we have been together almost half a year. we do love each other and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. we are open about everything so i feel it would be weird if i'd lie in this department. i am very afraid of being judged. he might say it is fine but deep inside might think of me being with other men and be turned off. that is what i am afraid of, that he won't be able to 'get over it' or just see it as a 'thing that's part of my past'...

Don't lie. But if you are concerned what his reaction to your answer will be, tell him about it. As I mentionned, it's possible he means it as an innocent question/is just curious. You could also end up having a response like 'oh cool. I had 100 partners' Either way, the couples who work the best are the ones who are honest and open with each other. If he's going to take issue with the fact you've slept with 'too many' people before him, then you're just not compatible. You'll be ok, really and go find someone who will not treat you like an object (because putting a value on someone is objectifying somone.)

what would you suggest is 'completely outrageous'?

I have heard stories that were outrageous in the sense that I went 'yeah I would not want to do that'. For example, I wouldn't be into gang bangs. But if I met a man who triple teamed a woman, I wouldn't think any less of him (I'm curious by nature so I would ask them about their experience lol)
I am a member on a BDSM community type website and I've seen a lot of pictures and videos of stuff that made me go 'oh, hell no!' but it only means it crosses my limits. Their limits are their own.

he has hinted at it; he has told me how many women he had been with. so now i feel sort of like he wants me to tell him too, even though he hasn't straight forwardly asked the question yet.

Well I would suggest you sit down with him and talk about it. Tell him how uncomfortable it made you. There is a difference between asking someone how many partners they had and someone choosing to tell his partner how many partners they had.
The best thing you can do is talk to him.

Answers in bold.

March 8, 2015

Yeah, think I overused "HPV" a little too much yes? LOL. So, to avoid such confusion, don't plan on having sex with 20 sex partners in the year 2015. Thoughts of that human petri dish below the belt is quite disturbing.

Alpha male mentioned earlier he never uses condoms. He also didn't mention getting tested regularly or seem to care their partners are clean or not.

Between him and the person who has protected sex with 20 people in one year, he is a far greater risk.

March 8, 2015

Spoken like a true judgemental guy... So what's a 'promiscuous past', to you? Past actions are past actions, and that's where they should stay; my past actions really shouldn't determine how I'm being seen as a person now, and I don't judge men on their past sexual history; this is why I don't want to know.

I can't think of a situation where anyone freely 'volunteers' this kind of info for no reason, TBH.

Looks like you, and a lot of other single guys to be fair, are on the lookout for a unicorn.

Firstly, I'm not single.

Secondly, I can be what I am and seek what I like in a partner just as much as you can. I don't have to find someone's past attractive, just as someone is allowed not to find me or my past attractive. I expect to be judged on my actions and people judge according to their own preferences and values. I hold no standard or expectation for someone I do not hold for myself. I thought that was explained in the pieces you chose to ignore and not bold, though.

Thirdly, I advised the OP to be honest if asked as lies and deception are no foundation on which to build a long lasting relationship. Others may disagree, they may feel lies, deception and hidden past are perfectly acceptable ways to attract a partner and have them commit and change their life. I do not.

Finally, yes, many people freely volunteer their past history. Many people are honest, open and feel they have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Part of the intimacy of a relationship is revealing ourselves to our partner in a manner we would not do for just anyone.

March 8, 2015

Alpha male mentioned earlier he never uses condoms. He also didn't mention getting tested regularly or seem to care their partners are clean or not.

yes i choose to do or not to do these things by choice. i will be 50 in two weeks and still no std's so i must be doing something right.

March 8, 2015

Well a gentleman in his sense would never ask something like that. What's the purpose of that question? A person can't be measured by how many times had sex with different partners. What if that person was in a very confused/depressed time of her/his life and tried hard to find love in the worse or erratic way? Would an answer with small numbers make a person better over those with more partners? Who has the right to judge someone by the partners counter? Nobody can comprehend the "whys". It is quite common than in the quest of finding true love, someone is being used by the fragility of her/his soul by jerks and predators that only want sex. Would those encounters that she/he actually doesn't wanted "like that", count?

I personally wouldn't ask. I just don't care. It adds up nothing but bad thinking or raising a wrong impression. I wouldn't lie neither because it is not good for our health, and it will bite you back sooner or later. However I would politely omit the numbers if it is something scaring. Saying "enough for me" is just fine.

March 8, 2015

yes i choose to do or not to do these things by choice. i will be 50 in two weeks and still no std's so i must be doing something right.

Not making any judgement here.

Do as you will but you are putting yourself at a higher risk of catching an STD if you continue to do this than someone who in one year has protected sex with 20 partners who provided proof they are STD free.

No offence but that 'I've been lucky so far I'm not gonna change my ways' is how people end up catching and spreading STD. It's nothing but sheer dumb luck you're still clean. You could have the same luck for the rest of your life. Or not.

Personally I'd rather not risk it.

March 8, 2015

yes i choose to do or not to do these things by choice. i will be 50 in two weeks and still no std's so i must be doing something right.

Have you ever been tested for HSV2 (genital herpes)? It is not included in standard STD workups and 80% of those infected don't realize they have it. More to the point, anywhere from 50 to 75% of unmarried women ages 45-55 in the US have HSV2. Of course it's your choice to not wear condoms, but you have a responsibility to know your own status so you can tell your partners and let them make their own informed decisions.

OP, anyone asking how many partners you've had is probably not worth your time. It's a petty, immature thing to ask.

March 8, 2015

Have you ever been tested for HSV2 (genital herpes)? It is not included in standard STD workups and 80% of those infected don't realize they have it. More to the point, anywhere from 50 to 75% of unmarried women ages 45-55 in the US have HSV2. Of course it's your choice to not wear condoms, but you have a responsibility to know your own status so you can tell your partners and let them make their own informed decisions.

OP, anyone asking how many partners you've had is probably not worth your time. It's a petty, immature thing to ask.

You can catch herpes even WITH a condom as a condom can only cover up so much.

March 8, 2015

I still find it funny how women get worked up about this. If you need to lie about it than it's obvious you're ashamed of it. And sure you can kick the guy to the curb, but it's still his right to decide whether he wants to be with you due to your sexual past. It's just like someone said, if a guy is 30 & still a virgin the same deal would apply. In all likely hood with the exception of some women, they would be instantly turned off. Or with the illness thread that I spoke to about. If a guy is on meds, instant turn off to a lot of women. And if you lie about that, it's even worse. There's so many different double standards & the women in here are just angry that it negatively effects them. But if only negatively effects a man than women don't care. It goes both ways & just admit to it. This is what I mean about that thread I made yesterday that got bashed. People never want to speak the truth & always tell lies about things. But the fact is that a huge percentage of men do not want a woman that has a very promiscuous past. Just like women are turned off of guys with lack of sexual past.

Edited March 8, 2015 by NJ123

March 8, 2015

So, I asked the initial question because I was trying to solve a personal problem, now this discussion is going way beyond what I expected and on top of that a further post by me, in which I was commenting to the responses, has been completely ignored. Hello... OP here, still trying to get some questions answered.. anybody?

Further post from two pages ago
Would appreciate any input.

Ok... I hate to say this, but from the way you talk I would guess you are somewhere 30+. Unless you are chronically single and 50... thats kind of high.

Now for the good news. IF your BF loves you then he will get over this. Maybe it will cause some struggle for him... but that is because he is being forced to reconcile his fantasy of you and the reality of you.

Does that make sense?

March 8, 2015

I still find it funny how women get worked up about this. If you need to lie about it than it's obvious you're ashamed of it. And sure you can kick the guy to the curb, but it's still his to decide whether he wants to be with you due to your sexual past. It's just like someone said, if a guy is 30 & still a virgin the same deal would apply. In all likely hood with the exception of some women, they would be instantly turned off. There's so many different double standards & the women in here are just angry that it negatively effects them. But if only negatively effects a man than women don't care. It goes both ways & just admit to it. This is what I mean about that thread I made yesterday that got bashed. People never want to speak the truth & always tell lies about things. But the fact is that a huge percentage of men do not want a woman that has a very promiscuous past. That's just a fact.

Not sure about the 'huge percentage' bit but there has to be an element of truth there to make so many women in this thread get so defensive about it.

From some cursory browsing of the net it appears there are studies that link number of sexual partners to fidelity so perhaps there is good reason to know and make your mind up accordingly.

Funny also how there was no shaming thst I can recall of women who stated they would not date a guy if they knew he was a virgin in that other thread. Responses were along the lines of "Im sure plenty of women would, BUT NOT ME", which was considered a fair enough point. I agree actually, not nice for virgins to read but that person has a choice and that is to be respectf.

By contrast I pity the man who declares in this thread "I personally would choose not to date a girl who has slept with >x number of men". Hes gonna get his ass handed to him.

March 8, 2015

You can catch herpes even WITH a condom as a condom can only cover up so much.

if you have a "cold" sore on your mouth/lips you can transmit herpes thru oral sex, or even kissing.

March 8, 2015

Not sure about the 'huge percentage' bit but there has to be an element of truth there to make so many women in this thread get so defensive about it.

From some cursory browsing of the net it appears there are studies that link number of sexual partners to fidelity so perhaps there is good reason to know and make your mind up accordingly.

Funny also how there was no shaming thst I can recall of women who stated they would not date a guy if they knew he was a virgin in that other thread. Responses were along the lines of "Im sure plenty of women would, BUT NOT ME", which was considered a fair enough point. I agree actually, not nice for virgins to read but that person has a choice and that is to be respectf.

By contrast I pity the man who declares in this thread "I personally would choose not to date a girl who has slept with >x number of men". Hes gonna get his ass handed to him.

As I said, it's because it affects them negatively so that's where the problem lies. But if it didn't they wouldn't have a care in the world about it. I suppose that's human nature. Women couldn't care less about the double standards men face. And they say the same thing where they wouldn't date a man for this or that. The same thing applies to this thread.

March 8, 2015

Here, here insert_name!! I don't see what the problem is, you people are the ones who slept with x number. So own up to it. Why do you think it is ok to lie about these things to your partner? Honesty is paramount and i dont see what's so wrong with someone (a current sex partner!!) being curious about your sexual history.

I wouldn't answer if somebody asked me how much money I make or what my net worth is either.

Those are #s. I own them as much as I own my sexual history.

Some people have no boundaries & they have no sense of privacy. I don't lie but there are things that are nobody else's business & it's rude to ask about that stuff. Hence there is no obligation to answer. The disclosure causes more problems than it solves so the whole conversation is best never started.

March 8, 2015

I wouldn't answer if somebody asked me how much money I make or what my net worth is either.

Those are #s. I own them as much as I own my sexual history.

Some people have no boundaries & they have no sense of privacy. I don't lie but there are things that are nobody else's business & it's rude to ask about that stuff. Hence there is no obligation to answer. The disclosure causes more problems than it solves so the whole conversation is best never started.

But than why is it okay to dump a guy if he has a lack of sexual history, or even if you get the sense of it, than it's a turn off to most women. I think men should have a right to know about a womans past. What if she cheated on 3 of her previous boyfriends? Or had sex with a new guy every weekend for 2 years? As said, there's studies that show that infedelity is higher in women that have had more sexual partners in the past. Why is it okay for women to be offended by this, but when it comes to double standards guys face, than women have the right to dump them over something without feeling bad about it.

March 8, 2015

People... can we get back to helping OP? She has asked repeatedly to go back to her situation!

March 8, 2015

I think men should have a right to know about a womans past. What if she cheated on 3 of her previous boyfriends? Or had sex with a new guy every weekend for 2 years?

indeed, some sort of database should be developed on this

March 8, 2015

But than why is it okay to dump a guy if he has a lack of sexual history, or even if you get the sense of it, than it's a turn off to most women. I think men should have a right to know about a womans past. What if she cheated on 3 of her previous boyfriends? Or had sex with a new guy every weekend for 2 years? As said, there's studies that show that infedelity is higher in women that have had more sexual partners in the past. Why is it okay for women to be offended by this, but when it comes to double standards guys face, than women have the right to dump them over something without feeling bad about it.

As far as I can tell, no one here defending a woman's right to keep her number of partner secret said it's ok to turn down a man who has no sexual history.

I asked for quotes from both threads and no one provided them. So at the moment, we can go ahead and think you're just making gross assumptions and are only trying to make us look inconsistent...

March 8, 2015

But than why is it okay to dump a guy if he has a lack of sexual history, or even if you get the sense of it, than it's a turn off to most women. I think men should have a right to know about a womans past. What if she cheated on 3 of her previous boyfriends? Or had sex with a new guy every weekend for 2 years? As said, there's studies that show that infedelity is higher in women that have had more sexual partners in the past. Why is it okay for women to be offended by this, but when it comes to double standards guys face, than women have the right to dump them over something without feeling bad about it.

To clarify the infideltiy point, its not gender specific- number of previous partners from 18 until the start of the relationship was an indicator (amongst other factors, in men and women).

March 8, 2015

As far as I can tell, no one here defending a woman's right to keep her number of partner secret said it's ok to turn down a man who has no sexual history.

I asked for quotes from both threads and no one provided them. So at the moment, we can go ahead and think you're just making gross assumptions and are only trying to make us look inconsistent...

lol seriously? I experienced it first hand, so I'm not making assumptions. Just admit if the double standard doesn't apply to you, than you don't care about it. But if it does, than you get offended. Most women do not want a man that has limited sexual experience past a certain age. For example, I had a woman I was possibly going to have a FWB with a few months ago, than when she found out about my lack of history after she asked, I never heard from her again.

March 8, 2015

As far as I can tell, no one here defending a woman's right to keep her number of partner secret said it's ok to turn down a man who has no sexual history.

I asked for quotes from both threads and no one provided them. So at the moment, we can go ahead and think you're just making gross assumptions and are only trying to make us look inconsistent...

Heres your starter for 10, assumptions being drawn about older virgins that make them undatabale to that poster:

Because if someone is older and is still a virgin (not saying you're older I have no idea), then it's clear they are not very outgoing or curious and exploratory. For me, people who never break out of the rut they grew up with are still children. People who do it for religious reasons, I consider them fearful extremists and I wouldn't go near one. I like a person who has stripped off whatever nonsense they grew up with and rebuilt themself and isn't afraid.

Of course, if someone has a disability or some physical reason they cannot change to prevent them from getting a partner, that is an entirely different and very sad matter.

I should echo what I said earlier thst I respect the posters

s choice, however by the letter of the law in this thread she should be getting pelters for being so judgemental on sexual history. Instead, I can hear only the sound of crickets while a bit of tumbleweed rolls lazily past...

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what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

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