what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

[lohnjennon]

... do you just say the truth? because frankly, after having been sexually active for over twelve years, i have had some regrets, especially during my late teenage years where i battled depression and went through quite the promiscuous phase.

 

i have left that far behind, and spent the past years almost nurturing meaningful relationships. now i have finally found someone i can imagine a future with. but i must say, i am a bit embarrassed about my sexual past. i even made a list of sexual encounters i had, and crossed out the ones that didn't matter, or the ones where i didn't have vivid memories of how 'far' we actually went... i still am left with a list i am not proud of. i talked to my best friend about this who said i should be honest with my partner, given he asks.

i feel like a fool. this had never been an issue to me, but as i truly love this guy and can imagine a future with him beyond marriage and kids, i feel ashamed and wonder if he will think less of me if i tell him the truth. he hasn't really asked yet but what if he will? do i tell the truth?

 

any advice?

Edited March 7, 2015 by lohnjennon

[alphamale]

I just tell 'em 7 or 8 rather than the real number of 30-35

[Buddhist]

Yes he will think less of you. That is guaranteed, men feel its their right to judge women and hold all manner of prejudices against them. He wont look past it or say it doesnt matter and he will throw it in your face at every opportunity just because. If he asks, its none of his business unless of course you enjoy being held to ransom over your past. Personally anyone that asks me that is someone I walk out on.

[Maleficent]

I tell them. My number is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Then I tell them we won't be a match because I believe men who ask that kind of question decide a woman 'worth' is tied to their sex life and it's one of my biggest red flags.

 

Womp womp

[d0nnivain]

First I would want to know why the person wanted to know. Then I'd have a discussion about why it's a destructive Q. The most concrete answer I will ever give is "enough that I know what I'm going, what I like & what I don't like but not so many that I can't look myself in the mirror."

 

 

Anybody who pushed beyond that wasn't in my life much longer.

[Phoe]

I'd answer. It's not a big number so I really don't care at all. It's no big deal to me.

[Perrier]

This is where many people trip up for one reason or another. I'm glad my number is extremely. It hasn't been easy abstaining at times but I can say I'm happier because of that.

 

Many women seem to regret their sexual past - it's a shame.

 

I believe men do judge women on their number regardless of what they say, and if my number was 'high' I'd be worried about my man throwing it in my face later on.

 

Suffice to say cos my number is low I tend to veer towards guys with a lower number of sex partners also as I think they would take relationships more seriously.

[Satu]

I would never ask.

 

What possible use could that piece of information be put to?

[alphamale]

What possible use could that piece of information be put to?

It can give a general idea of how many partners he/she was with before you. Thus giving you a general idea of their sexual promiscuity.

 

this will then tie into how long your relationship will last, on avg

[Buddhist]

It can give a general idea of how many partners he/she was with before you. Thus giving you a general idea of their sexual promiscuity.

 

this will then tie into how long your relationship will last, on avg

 

Yes. Because men feel only they have the right to sexual experience in the world and they all want women to both have sex with them regularly but also be sexually inexperienced at the same time. Which is why many women just give up on men and buy a vibrator instead.

[alphamale]

Which is why many women just give up on men and buy a vibrator instead.

dayyyum! she don't even need a vibrator. some spit and a fingertip will do

[Phoe]

a fingertip will do

 

Truth!

 

_______

[spiderowl]

I don't think a gentleman would ask but he would probably listen carefully whenever you talked about exes and be totting them up in his mind ...

 

Given the above, I would see it as an unacceptable question and feel quite justified in saying I'm not going to tell him - numbers aside.

[alphamale]

It's an odd question to ask someone. It would hint that the person asking it is possibly insecure/buys into the notion that people's value is inherently linked to their sexual history.

I never ask the woman, but for some reason it's usually the female that brings up the subject. When she does, I lie and then everyone is happy. Of course she knows I lied but who cares.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Just fudge your number a bit if you want. You can omit your one night stands and no one will probably know the better.

[guest569]

I really do not see the problem with this question. But it would depend how long you've been dating and how serious things are as to whether its rude or snoopy to ask. I think if you're having sex with them they sort of have a right to hear the truth. You can either be honest, or tell them you feel uncomfortable to answer. Lying about it just makes you a prick

[runredlights]

It's definitely important to me. I have to wonder if a woman would give you an honest answer anyway so you might never know. All those getting super defensive and bossy beyonce like saying the man is a piece of trash for asking seems a little extreme.

[insert_name]

Yes he will think less of you. That is guaranteed, men feel its their right to judge women and hold all manner of prejudices against them. He wont look past it or say it doesnt matter and he will throw it in your face at every opportunity just because. If he asks, its none of his business unless of course you enjoy being held to ransom over your past. Personally anyone that asks me that is someone I walk out on.

 

And a woman wouldnt judge a guy for being a virgin in his 30s? Getouttahere!

 

Judgement on partner numbers is a game that both genders can play just as well as the other and both do. May as well just pony up the truth, grow a spine and stand by the decisions you have made in your life. If they dont like it thats for them to deal with.

[insert_name]

It's definitely important to me. I have to wonder if a woman would give you an honest answer anyway so you might never know. All those getting super defensive and bossy beyonce like saying the man is a piece of trash for asking seems a little extreme.

 

To react like that it makes me wonder if the people themselves judge themselves badly on their number of partners? Otherwise instead of getting touchy about it why not just own it- its part of who you are.

[insert_name]

Just fudge your number a bit if you want. You can omit your one night stands and no one will probably know the better.

 

By doing that you are not only lying to them, you are lying to yourself.

[ThaWholigan]

I'd just tell em the truth - nothing to hide and if it's a problem or they're cagey about it then it just won't go further. Anyone I date, I expect to be able to speak openly about sex anyway as I do not judge and I have no problem with dating a (formerly or otherwise) promiscuous girl if it's right and it works. I'm not intimidated by a woman's sexual past, even though I don't have much of a sexual past myself. The number of partners is irrelevant to context IMO.

[NJ123]

What if the person has a different view on sex than their partner? Isn't it wrong to lie about it?

[guest569]

Here, here insert_name!! I don't see what the problem is, you people are the ones who slept with x number. So own up to it. Why do you think it is ok to lie about these things to your partner? Honesty is paramount and i dont see what's so wrong with someone (a current sex partner!!) being curious about your sexual history.

[Buddhist]

And a woman wouldnt judge a guy for being a virgin in his 30s? Getouttahere!

 

Judgement on partner numbers is a game that both genders can play just as well as the other and both do. May as well just pony up the truth, grow a spine and stand by the decisions you have made in your life. If they dont like it thats for them to deal with.

 

Can't speak for all women of course but as someone who's had a 21yr old virgin and a 28yr old virgin can't say as I even asked (although it was apparent in bed) or really cared that much afterwards. Both of them became LTR. Men tend to be primarily preoccupied with useless details like penis size and number of sexual partners. Can't say the topic is even talked about much in women's circles except where it relates to some douche deciding his partner isn't pure enough ( read (too sexually experienced) for his liking. When are guys going to own up to the fact they obsess about this far than women do? The sexual psychology of males is truly all shades of f'd up.

[guest569]

What if the person has a different view on sex than their partner? Isn't it wrong to lie about it?

 

Of course it is wrong to lie!!