what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

March 8, 2015

Do you feel like you have the right to know how many partners a guy has had? I feel you do have the right to know and for good reason.

We don't have that right either. It's just not the kind of information I feel is relevant to anything.

The last guy I dated didn't care and told me his number ( I didn't ask). I still didn't tell him mine and he didn't ask.

He wouldn't judged me (especially my number being not so impressive anyway) but it's just irrelevent.

I'd much rather know his last STD results that how many girls he's been with.

The only time this kind of information needs to be disclosed is when a person is multidating - and there doesn't need to be a specific number disclosed. Just the fact there are other people he's/she's having sex with.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Maleficent

March 8, 2015

I would never ask.

What possible use could that piece of information be put to?

Um...STD risk level. This would be a question I would ask or would likely find out about WITHOUT asking as I got to know the person. Or would ask about it as we got deeper into dating.

March 8, 2015

Do you feel like you have the right to know how many partners a guy has had? I feel you do have the right to know and for good reason.

What's more important to me is that he was faithful and didn't cheat.

March 8, 2015

What I mean is that its like your age - it is what it is and you cant just say "I'm going to be 21 from tomorrow onwards, just because." It doesnt make any sense that people are so touchy about it unless it bothers them.

And it doesn't make sense to be touchy about the answer unless you intend on using it to establish someone's value. Hence, asking the question is like saying 'by the way, if I don't like your answer I'll think you're a slut!'

The most telling part is no one is that no one seems to know or be able to tell where that 'too many' line is. Is it 3 partners? 10? 30? 100?

Can you really blame people who are uncomfortable with this question? We don't even know if our answer is acceptable or not

March 8, 2015

The problem is not how you feel, how your past effects who you are with now, that your views changed.

The problem is you can not accept that others have different values.

Example you would dump the perfect man if he asked your number and it was 10 and he had no problem with 10. Just because he needed to know your number you would dump him.

Just like some people would dump the perfect woman for having 50 partners.

Values; to each their own

March 8, 2015

The problem is not how you feel, how your past effects who you are with now, that your views changed.

The problem is you can not accept that others have different values.

Example you would dump the perfect man if he asked your number and it was 10 and he had no problem with 10. Just because he needed to know your number you would dump him.

If he asks, he's not the guy for me.

I accept that people have different values but I don't have to stand for them. I can't understand in what world knowing your partner's number matters, and if it matters enough for anyone to have to ask, they're the one with the problem. I don't care what any of my exes got up to before I met them and they didn't seem to care much what I got up to either and that's how I like it.

March 8, 2015

And it doesn't make sense to be touchy about the answer unless you intend on using it to establish someone's value. Hence, asking the question is like saying 'by the way, if I don't like your answer I'll think you're a slut!'

That's your insecurity speaking. Though, it all depends on how recent your sexual promiscuity was. If this is something that you did in college, in your early 20's, but not something you do now...then they'll likely not think of you as a slut.

But if you slept with numerous guys/gals in the past year..then yes, you'd be considered a slut.

March 8, 2015

And it doesn't make sense to be touchy about the answer unless you intend on using it to establish someone's value. Hence, asking the question is like saying 'by the way, if I don't like your answer I'll think you're a slut!'

The most telling part is no one is that no one seems to know or be able to tell where that 'too many' line is. Is it 3 partners? 10? 30? 100?

Can you really blame people who are uncomfortable with this question? We don't even know if our answer is acceptable or not

Too many is when the woman decides it's necessary to be less than honest. She decides what too many is, nobody else. A man is not responsible for any deception she may offer him.

I can't speak for other men but I have much more respect for a woman who has slept with 100 men and is honest than a woman who has slept with ten but lies that it is five. Her honesty says more about her character than the number of men in her past. Difficult to trust or respect someone who tries to deceive.

March 8, 2015

What I kind of find funny is, that the ones who are on the defensive about numerous sex partners are likely the same people that won't date men over 30 who are still virgins. LOL ...per the recent posts about older men lacking sexual experience.

March 8, 2015

[
what would you suggest is 'completely outrageous'?

Their age - 17 x 2.5

March 8, 2015

What I kind of find funny is, that the ones who are on the defensive about numerous sex partners are likely the same people that won't date men over 30 who are still virgins. LOL ...per the recent posts about older men lacking sexual experience.

Utter tosh. When you don't ask, you don't know. Anyone of my exes could have had over 500 or they could have been virgins and I wouldn't have cared. I only care what kind of lover they are with me.

My own number is nothing too high or too low although I have a feeling that any number above 1 is too much for those guys who want to know, but it's none of anyone's business but mine, and it's going to stay that way.

March 8, 2015

That's your insecurity speaking. Though, it all depends on how recent your sexual promiscuity was. If this is something that you did in college, in your early 20's, but not something you do now...then they'll likely not think of you as a slut.

But if you slept with numerous guys/gals in the past year..then yes, you'd be considered a slut.

I am not insecure about the number of partners I have been with or my sexuality for that matter. It's very clear from that thread and the hundreds of others threads similar to this one that people who ask this question are going to make a judgement on the value of this person based on the response.

If I want to sleep with 20 guys in 2015, I totally will and I will be as STD free as my 7 year old cousin in 2016.

The guy who will call me a slut over this will not be part of my life.

End thread.

March 8, 2015

I totally will and I will be as STD free as my 7 year old cousin in 2016.

Not entirely sure how you know this for sure and what does bringing in your cousin into the conversation have to do with the price of tea in China?

March 8, 2015

Not entirely sure how you know this for sure and what does bringing in your cousin into the conversation have to do with the price of tea in China?

I guess I badly wrote my phrase (English is my second language)

My 7 year old cousin is obviously (holefully lol) STD free. If I decide to sleep with 20 men in 2015 (this year) I will do it and I will be as STD free in 2016 (next year) as he is.

Nevermind it was a bad exageration lol

March 8, 2015

Personally, I would be slower to become involved with a women who has a promiscuous past because of possible future incompatibility stemming from differing values. I wouldn't think less of her as a person but I would wonder if we were suited for the long haul. Also, there are certain human qualities and characteristics that I apply to myself that would involve no double standard if I preferred the same in a partner. Our past actions are often a strong indicator that our current words carry weight. So words should meet actions.

Spoken like a true judgemental guy... So what's a 'promiscuous past', to you? Past actions are past actions, and that's where they should stay; my past actions really shouldn't determine how I'm being seen as a person now, and I don't judge men on their past sexual history; this is why I don't want to know.

I've never asked a woman about her sexual past. The information has always been volunteered. If that information is later discovered to be a lie given in order to present a false image it would cause big problems. The relationship would have been based on a wilful, voluntary act of deception and I would have no option other than to consider her not entirely trustworthy. That, for me, would be an infinitely bigger problem than the fact she was once promiscuous.

I can't think of a situation where anyone freely 'volunteers' this kind of info for no reason, TBH.

Looks like you, and a lot of other single guys to be fair, are on the lookout for a unicorn.

March 8, 2015

I will do it and I will be as STD free in 2016 (next year) as he is.

I am still not sure how you KNOW you'll be STD free after sleeping with that many people. You also increase your risk as the numbers go up, and 20 in that short of time period will increase your risk of these diseases. You need to get more educated on STD's/STI's, Maleficent.

March 8, 2015

Back to the original question,

what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

I would tell him to MYOBB....

March 8, 2015

What I kind of find funny is, that the ones who are on the defensive about numerous sex partners are likely the same people that won't date men over 30 who are still virgins. LOL ...per the recent posts about older men lacking sexual experience.

I dare you to quote posts.

Members from this thread (women who are defensive about number of partners) and the other threads (women who refuse to sleep with a man because he is a virgin/doesn't have enough experience).

March 8, 2015

You all realize that this question is potentially just curiousity sometimes, right? Something to talk about? Not all the time, there are obviously men and women who are wildly insecure/paranoid about this kind of thing, but a lot of the time its one more way to get to know your partner.

My current fiancee asked me early on, and I was happy to tell her. She was happy to tell me, and neither of judged the other person. We talked about prior sexual relationships, what we liked and didn't like, etc. That's partially how we knew we were emotionally, socially and sexually compatible.

While there are certain circumstances where its considered rude to ask, I think in a relationship, something like this should always be disclosed when asked, simply for the reason of compatibility. It's like asking "have you ever been married?", "have you ever had an STD?", "have you ever traveled?", etc. Different things matter to different people.

Edited March 8, 2015 by TheGuard13

March 8, 2015

What I kind of find funny is, that the ones who are on the defensive about numerous sex partners are likely the same people that won't date men over 30 who are still virgins. LOL ...per the recent posts about older men lacking sexual experience.

Actually no. I had have relationships with two virgin males but of course posts like that always get overlooked in the frenzy to go off on a wild unsubstantiated tangent.

March 8, 2015

I am still not sure how you KNOW you'll be STD free after sleeping with that many people. You also increase your risk as the numbers go up, and 20 in that short of time period will increase your risk of these diseases. You need to get more educated on STD's/STI's, Maleficent.

If all men can prove they are STD free before I sleep with them, and we use protection, I will not have an STD.

Having 'a lot' sex is not the biggest risk factor when you're smart about it.

Having sex like a an idiot and thinking there are some people who are less likely to have an STD is a bigger risk factor because these are usually the people who don't bother to get tested regularly and walk around with an undiagnosed, symptomless STD.

If you're concerned about STDs, you're better off asking when was your partner's last test and if they had relations since that last test.

The number of people they had sex with before that last test is irrelevant because the concern is STDs. And the test revealed there were no STDs.

March 8, 2015

Stopped reading after page 6, but as a woman who has very few sexual partners (2)...

If it's a person I'm dating (non-exclusive, not intimate, less than a month or two of dating) the question raises a flag for me. Most of the time, any man who asks that question early on is trying to weed out (in his mind) the sl**s. Which I think is BS; if a man can have 15+ sexual partners and be considered a stud, a woman shouldn't be considered a sl*t for the exact same number.

I don't dislike the question because of how they would perceive my answer, I will divulge the information whether it's 2 or 20. The reason a flag goes up for me is because the question reveals a huge difference in our values. He and I won't see eye to eye on the matter because I believe someone's sexual history is exactly that... history. I make my judgement on who the person is here and now. I don't need a man's number to tell if he will be a good BF. His behavior and actions will give me that information.

Now if a person I'm committed to asks me that, (exclusive/intimate/known each other for an extended period of time) then I feel it's ok. Afterall you should be able to trust your lover and partner and talk about those kind of things right? My BF didn't give me a concrete number (between 7-9), but did tell me he went through a promiscuous phase himself. Lots of one night stands, or women he would go out with, get what he wanted and then was on his way. I on the other hand, only had 1 before him, but it was short lived and made on an impulsive 'here and now' moment. I only knew the guy for 2 weeks. Even though we have very different histories we realized we both felt that comfortable discussing sex with each other and were in a safe judgement free zone when we did.

Overall, I just think the question is one you should be able to discuss with the right person at the right time.

March 8, 2015

If you're concerned about STDs, you're better off asking when was your partner's last test and if they had relations since that last test.

test results can be faked or lied about

March 8, 2015

So, I asked the initial question because I was trying to solve a personal problem, now this discussion is going way beyond what I expected and on top of that a further post by me, in which I was commenting to the responses, has been completely ignored. Hello... OP here, still trying to get some questions answered.. anybody?

Further post from two pages ago

Would appreciate any input.

March 8, 2015

You all realize that this question is potentially just curiousity sometimes, right? Something to talk about? Not all the time, there are obviously men and women who are wildly insecure/paranoid about this kind of thing, but a lot of the time its one more way to get to know your partner.

My current fiancee asked me early on, and I was happy to tell her. She was happy to tell me, and neither of judged the other person. We talked about prior sexual relationships, what we liked and didn't like, etc. That's partially how we knew we were emotionally, socially and sexually compatible.

While there are certain circumstances where its considered rude to ask, I think in a relationship, something like this should always be disclosed when asked, simply for the reason of compatibility. It's like asking "have you ever been married?", "have you ever had an STD?", "have you ever traveled?", etc. Different things matter to different people.

I guess it depends when the question is asked and what the conversation was. There is also a difference when someone just tells you as part of the conversation. I choose to tell my partner. Him asking puts me in a 'I have to tell my partner'.

The only one who actually ever asked me was my ex-boyfriend and holy **** was he a slut shamer. He called one of my friends a slut because of the way she was dressing and was wearing makeup. It took me a few years to not be uncomfortable in a skirt.

I stand by my point. The main issue with number of partner seems to be STD risks and the only way to know for sure your partner is STD free is to ask for a test result.

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what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

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