Why am I so scared to divorce? <spouse cheating>

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why am I so scared to divorce?

 

Solely because it would mean admitting to yourself that your *investment* in that partner, and in the marriage, has zeroed-out.

 

(which is all very normal)

[flowergirl14]

Even I follow same strategy, whatever happens, happens for good. Don't get afraid of divorce think of your children and face it strongly. It is much better than staying with a cheater for lifetime.

 

I do agree with letting the house of cards fall as they may. Some days Im angry and want more and better for me. Then, my kids are snuggling with their dad and I on the couch. I just think how can I do this to them. Divorce and break up the family. Its definately not black and white. At least for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do agree with letting the house of cards fall as they may. Some days Im angry and want more and better for me. Then, my kids are snuggling with their dad and I on the couch. I just think how can I do this to them. Divorce and break up the family. Its definately not black and white. At least for me.

 

They can still snuggle up to Dad on the couch. And they can snuggle up to you, just can't do both at the same time.

 

Divorce isn't the end of parenting. But it can be the end of all the crap that goes with infidelity, drama, heartbreak and disconnection. You do lose a little but you gain a lot...

 

Mr. Lucky

[flowergirl14]

They can still snuggle up to Dad on the couch. And they can snuggle up to you, just can't do both at the same time.

 

Divorce isn't the end of parenting. But it can be the end of all the crap that goes with infidelity, drama, heartbreak and disconnection. You do lose a little but you gain a lot...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know your right. I would probably gain back self esteem and self worth, clarity and independance. I just feel like my needs arent as important as my kids. I ve read up on kids from divorced parents and they seem to universally have been traumitized. Many of the effects lasting into adulthood. If both parents were loving and civil to each other they could probably make it alright for the kids. I have doubts that my wh would take the high road. Honestly, at this point Id like to ruin him. I know not healthy

[BetrayedH]

I know your right. I would probably gain back self esteem and self worth, clarity and independance. I just feel like my needs arent as important as my kids. I ve read up on kids from divorced parents and they seem to universally have been traumitized. Many of the effects lasting into adulthood. If both parents were loving and civil to each other they could probably make it alright for the kids. I have doubts that my wh would take the high road. Honestly, at this point Id like to ruin him. I know not healthy

 

It is possible to have healthy and well-adjusted kids post-divorce. My wife and I have each taken the high road since we split. It works.

[dichotomy]

Maybe I shouldnt take the moral high road. Maybe I should just use him and get some side action for myself. Lol

 

 

well - there are marriages where both kind of have their quiet" under the radar" separate romantic lives - and simply have pleasant co-parenting/family life.

 

Some have open marriages - some kind of closed/open marriages...some are sexless as well. All types of marriages out there - what ever works I guess for both.

 

I wonder what your WH would say if you said "I know your cheating and have for years, so lets end that(sex) part of our marriage, you keep you lovers quiet and I will keep mine quiet, and we can continue with our nice home and family life".

Edited March 18, 2015 by dichotomy

[ladydesigner]

Wow Blackhat not even sure what to think of your posts, but they definitely opened my eyes. I believe my WH is a serial cheat as well. I am biding my time right now, actually demanded a lot of CHANGE from WS recently that he has been following through on. I asked WS for a divorce and my reasons why, he wants one last chance:rolleyes:We shall see. I am willing to waste some more of my time to see if WH is serious or not (which if he is anything like you it will only be a matter of time before he does it again and then I am DONE). It's really quite sad the way you live your life Blackhat. It seems very shallow and empty to me. How you can be so duplicitous says a lot about you.

 

So that is where I am at. Flowergirl I would focus entirely on yourself and not the marriage. Create a life of your own. Separate friends, support, etc. Get yourself into a hobby and throw yourself into it.

 

My kids are also old enough to know what's going on and they do. If I plan to divorce they will know why.

[flowergirl14]

well - there are marriages where both kind of have their quiet" under the radar" separate romantic lives - and simply have pleasant co-parenting/family life.

 

Some have open marriages - some kind of closed/open marriages...some are sexless as well. All types of marriages out there - what ever works I guess for both.

 

I wonder what your WH would say if you said "I know your cheating and have for years, so lets end that(sex) part of our marriage, you keep you lovers quiet and I will keep mine quiet, and we can continue with our nice home and family life".

 

He 'd probably still deny deny deny. For the record I dont have anybody in the wings that I am wanting or could cheat with. It just sounds good sometimes. You know have some fun just for me. Stop worrying about my wh , stop putting energy into this marriage....yet still retain the financial and familial benefits.

[Seachan]

He 'd probably still deny deny deny. For the record I dont have anybody in the wings that I am wanting or could cheat with. It just sounds good sometimes. You know have some fun just for me. Stop worrying about my wh , stop putting energy into this marriage....yet still retain the financial and familial benefits.

 

Go for it Flowergirl. Accept reality. Your H isn't a one-woman kind of guy - but he is a good dad and provider. Detach from him romantically. Stop expecting him to treat you as his one and only. Have *protected* sex if you want, but understand that it's not exclusive for him.

 

And then be the best mom you can be and the best Flowergirl you can be. And don't worry about what he is up to or who he is with when he's not with you. Or better yet, just assume that he *is* screwing someone else whenever he is not with you. Just de-sensitize yourself to that and live your best life with your family.

 

I think we hurt ourselves more when we refuse to accept reality, wishing our lives was something it wasn't.

[Breezee]

If I was in the same position and my spouse is a serial cheater, I'd get out asap. But that's me, each of us must deal with a situation as best can for our own sanity and the good of the children. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who can't give me the respect as his wife and mother of his children. I also couldn't cheat on him because that's simply not me. I would need to have someone I could rely on not just financially but emotionally as well. Someone who is my best friend and confidant. I don't envy you in your situation .

Edited March 19, 2015 by Breezee

[Lion Heart]

I found out a couple years ago that my spouse of 19 yrs cheated on me. Also, that he is probably a serial cheater. Now I believe he is at it again. Every rational part of my being says that this behavior is unacceptable, disgusting, and I should put an end to it.

 

My emotional side says, he is loving, effectionate, provider for me and the kids, and a good father. I guess if was an a**hole to me or us abusive I would have gotten out. However, knowing someone is cheating just eats at my psyche. If he's not here I cry. Im anxious, depressed, irratable. I come from parents who were divorced multiple times. I never saw a succesful marriage. Ive actually been married longer than either of my parents.

 

I have seen the benefits of a 2 parent household. Its a huge worry breaking up a family. The kids would be blind sided. They think we are happy. I have started to think about what happiness means to me. Can I stay married knowing he continues to cheat? There are spouses who know that their spouse cheats and continue to stay. How do they do that? What kind of defense mechanism or wall do you have to build to cope ?

 

If i am so conflicted then i should probably divorce but it literally makes me cry and become depressed just thinking about it. Does their come a breaking point? Or are there a lot of spouses who just stay in limbo?

 

Dear Flowergirl, it's a shocking situation. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

It seems you're tooing and froing (looks weird but you know what I mean). If I were you, I would follow my Drs advice after my D Day. Write ALL the things down about your marriage and look at it like a business deal. Difficult to do. But possible.

 

Put these elements of your present situation down in order of priority. Now say you have 7yrs left till youngest is adult. What can you achieve in 7y?

 

I would secure money secretly or even better, another property.

 

I would become extremely well qualified in a sought after field. Invest the time in your studies to prepare for a very financially secure future independent of your H in every way. As though he disappeared off the face of the earth.

 

Collect evidence of infidelities. I gather these points are pertinent in alot of US Divorce Courts (not in my country).

 

Now ask yourself: where do I see the Flowergirl in 5y or 10y.

Can Flowergirl LEARN to not care about WH shenanigans?

 

OR does Flowergirl deserve a better quality man?

 

My option is that I would rather NO man than a totally sh** existence. I'd rather back to back girlfriends hangin out tbh!

I want to belly laugh again with no resistance. Sure I'd miss the sex but hey there are toys to buy there.

 

Ok as usual I digress.

 

I'd get trained up. I'd move on.

 

Sometimes there is no breaking point until your health breaks down completely.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

Stop worrying about my wh , stop putting energy into this marriage....yet still retain the financial and familial benefits.

 

I think WH is already doing this. WH just didn't consult you first.

 

Duplicitous in nature, cheaters are.

 

Become duplicitous by practice to secure your own future.

LH

[dichotomy]

He 'd probably still deny deny deny. For the record I dont have anybody in the wings that I am wanting or could cheat with. It just sounds good sometimes. You know have some fun just for me. Stop worrying about my wh , stop putting energy into this marriage....yet still retain the financial and familial benefits.

 

 

I think you should collect (spy) necessary proof, accumulate a pile of evidence, for future needs. Plenty of advice here on how get evidence.

 

Short of getting your own lover on the side, and or stop having sex with your husband, consider what changes you can make now to further your independence - both security and general happiness. This could include separate hidden bank accounts, working on your career, new activities and social networks.

 

Then of course keep considering divorce as an option.

[Mr. Lucky]

....yet still retain the financial and familial benefits.

 

Probably beating a dead horse here, but -

 

- financially, you'd get half of the assets plus support

 

- familially, you'd be in a better place that would allow you to focus on your kids rather than on what your WS is doing.

 

Deep down, are those really the reasons you're staying ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[flowergirl14]

Dear Flowergirl, it's a shocking situation. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

It seems you're tooing and froing (looks weird but you know what I mean). If I were you, I would follow my Drs advice after my D Day. Write ALL the things down about your marriage and look at it like a business deal. Difficult to do. But possible.

 

Put these elements of your present situation down in order of priority. Now say you have 7yrs left till youngest is adult. What can you achieve in 7y?

 

I would secure money secretly or even better, another property.

 

I would become extremely well qualified in a sought after field. Invest the time in your studies to prepare for a very financially secure future independent of your H in every way. As though he disappeared off the face of the earth.

 

Collect evidence of infidelities. I gather these points are pertinent in alot of US Divorce Courts (not in my country).

 

Now ask yourself: where do I see the Flowergirl in 5y or 10y.

Can Flowergirl LEARN to not care about WH shenanigans?

 

OR does Flowergirl deserve a better quality man?

 

My option is that I would rather NO man than a totally sh** existence. I'd rather back to back girlfriends hangin out tbh!

I want to belly laugh again with no resistance. Sure I'd miss the sex but hey there are toys to buy there.

 

Ok as usual I digress.

 

I'd get trained up. I'd move on.

 

Sometimes there is no breaking point until your health breaks down completely.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Lion Heart.

 

Thanks everyone really.. thankyou for the kind and genuine advice.

I do have a job option that I can secure money secretly. I do need to also secure a career. Some days Im totally detatched from him. I do look at it as a buisness agreement. Then emotion springs up...I guess thats where wanting a trusting faithful partner comes in. I guess I grieve the loss of my husband. We are not divorced but I am grieving what could be/could have been. I am realistic about WHO he is. I know he's a liar and cheater. But d*mn simetimes its hard. It's staying focused on me that always seems to get pushed aside.

[flowergirl14]

Yes I do deserve someone authentic, loving and trusting. Could I actually find that person? Reading this forum and personal experience makes it seem very unrealistic.

[BetrayedH]

Yes I do deserve someone authentic, loving and trusting. Could I actually find that person? Reading this forum and personal experience makes it seem very unrealistic.

 

Well gosh, don't go by what you see here.

 

Reliable infidelity stats are tough to nail down but from looking at the averages, it's somewhere around 25%. That means that there's a good number of people out there not engaging in it.

 

I think the key is watching better for red flags and actually enforcing your personal boundaries. That's tough to do when you're desperate for some lovin'.

 

Having an affair of your own isn't going to do much except put you into that 25% category and if you're looking to further damage your self-esteem, then jump right in. Unfortunately, you won't find a lot of happy women at the end of those stories - just keep reading.

 

I think you're best off planning your exit, as has been suggested. Keep your integrity intact. And learn to at least start prioritizing your own needs.

[Tayla]

Yes I do deserve someone authentic, loving and trusting. Could I actually find that person? Reading this forum and personal experience makes it seem very unrealistic.

 

In due time it can happen.

 

Three Do's and Don'ts:

One: DO hold your head up

Two: Do get a Lawyer

Three: Do send him packing

 

One: DONT be stalking or tracking him, you already know his habits

two: DONT cut yourself short by thinking you can compromise and look the otherway. Move on.

three: DONT allow LoveShack to be the moniker of how relations are...

[Southern Sun]

Blackhat. Just curious. How would you feel if you discovered your wife was having affairs. Would you be ok with an "open" marriage? Or would you be upset? Let's say, hypothetically, she was "getting it good" with another man who pleased her in ways that you hadn't. Would you be cool with it?

 

Did I miss it or has Black Hat not responded to this yet? I'm curious.

 

Not intending to t/j...

[Auspecial]

For my sister, she stayed and stays because she is validated by her marriage, and she is also very good at denial (compartmentalizing/avoiding). She needs the marriage in any state, so she see's what she wants to see. This is what works for her, and to that end she feels that she has a very successful marriage and is about to celebrate 25 years. I don't see them ever splitting up.

 

Another woman know, turns away but she says she has no desire for physical with him, so she doesn't mind if he sleeps with other women.

 

I can understand that more than my sisters situation. But my sister is actually happy in her chosen ignorance.

[Confused48]

It is possible to have healthy and well-adjusted kids post-divorce. My wife and I have each taken the high road since we split. It works.

 

Yes, this is true. May become true for the OP in this case as well. May not. OP is in the best position to know. OP also knows about her family finances, the ability of WH to support her and the children post divorce.

 

I caution anyone who says divorce is best for the kids even when the parents are unhappy. I've not seen it on this thread but the old,"Kids will be happy if you are happy" chestnut just doesn't fly. Kids want you to suck it up for them and provide the best home life you can. They don't want to lose their home, their school, their friends, etc. If you have to stay unhappily married, in order to maintain their lifestyle, that is what they want. If you can divorce and still provide for them, I'm sure they will support that too.

 

OP - I'm in limbo too. My kids would lose their home, their school and more. Yet I am seriously considering pulling the plug anyway. I'm sticking it out for now in hopes to soften some of the blows to them. I don't think I'd do that though if my WS was currently cheating.

[KingwoodMan]

But he is an a**hole. An a**shole of the highest caliber. You're the person he supposedly loves most in this world, the person he has taken a vow to honor and cherish and yet he chose to sh*t all over that so he could stick his penis in other women. Cheaters are low quality human beings. Is that really someone you want to associate with? Want around your kids? You obviously have morals and standards. Insist on those things with the people in your life. There are plenty of much better moral honorable fish in the sea. You're scared of divorce because it's a life-changing event and that level of change is very scary. Still, you need it for your personal well-being, which is far superior to his personal well-being because you're the good person and he isn't.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, this is true. May become true for the OP in this case as well. May not. OP is in the best position to know. OP also knows about her family finances, the ability of WH to support her and the children post divorce.

 

I caution anyone who says divorce is best for the kids even when the parents are unhappy. I've not seen it on this thread but the old,"Kids will be happy if you are happy" chestnut just doesn't fly. Kids want you to suck it up for them and provide the best home life you can. They don't want to lose their home, their school, their friends, etc. If you have to stay unhappily married, in order to maintain their lifestyle, that is what they want. If you can divorce and still provide for them, I'm sure they will support that too.

 

OP - I'm in limbo too. My kids would lose their home, their school and more. Yet I am seriously considering pulling the plug anyway. I'm sticking it out for now in hopes to soften some of the blows to them. I don't think I'd do that though if my WS was currently cheating.

 

This is so true! I felt this way when my parents almost divorced over my mother's affair. I just wanted them to work it out and get along, but I NEVER wanted my parents to get a D. I feared them getting a D more than them staying together unhappily.

 

I too am in limbo, but only because the A has ended and WH has been making huge changes for us recently. I have no desire to upset my kids lifestyle or mine at the moment.

[Confused48]

This is so true! I felt this way when my parents almost divorced over my mother's affair. I just wanted them to work it out and get along, but I NEVER wanted my parents to get a D. I feared them getting a D more than them staying together unhappily.

 

I too am in limbo, but only because the A has ended and WH has been making huge changes for us recently. I have no desire to upset my kids lifestyle or mine at the moment.

 

How did your parents end up long term? Together? D?

[ladydesigner]

How did your parents end up long term? Together? D?

 

My parents had lot's of marriage counseling. They are still together and seem to be happy now. My father says every once in a while he still thinks about her A, that it doesn't really ever go away, but he is glad he stayed.