Wife found out about affair

[Lion Heart]

Trust me, I know that he's interested. With her though, I know she has a lot of self control and self respect, and not being labeled a cheater would be very important for her, regardless of what I do. So that's probably why I am not extremely alarmed right now.

 

I did bring up the prospect of us going to marital counseling together again, but she shot it down, saying that I'm the one with the issues to work out, not her. I told her it wasn't a question of whether she has issues or not, but it's a question of how we can get through this crisis, but she wanted me to independently go to a behavioral therapist instead. Her point was that with a counselor, I'm basically just talking through my problems, while with a therapist, they'd give me the tools to change my line of thinking and learn to become more fulfilled with what I have in life.

 

Obtuse, I'm a BW in "reconciliation" I do that quotation mark thing because ... oh too many reasons.

 

I see your wife's point of view completely and I'll tell you why:

YOU had the "issues" (real or imaginary) with your M so

YOU need an impartial professional to help YOU work out YOUR issues. YOU DO have major issues and they obviously include at the very least, overblown entitlement. But I'm not your therapist and your W didn't and doesn't have YOUR issues.

 

IMO, which may or may not be shared by your BW, YOU are your BW biggest issue so sort it. I'll tell you a little of what my IC said later on. But still IMO my WH divorced me the moment he decided to have an A. Yes I'm in agreement with OP who say that the vow of fidelity promised was broken by my WH so on every level "all bets are off". I found LS soon after my D Day by doing an Internet search on "revenge affairs". No I didn't have an RA but boy I felt like it. Still do at times but just to show WH a smidgeon of what it feels like. I won't for myriad of reasons. But as far as I'm concerned, whatever M we had is no longer in existence. No way will my WH dictate to me.

 

I saw a highly experienced psychiatrist / psychologist just a few days after my D Day. She listened and said I no longer need her help. I was grieving worse than I'd ever grieved, I should recognize my pain as grief, understand the cycle and I'd be fine. She also said that my WH would not be willing to see her because his issues were so great that he'd screwed up his life for decades and now his M. I never ever asked WH to see her but he did. Much to his family's disgust because they were sure I was the nutjob. Well it turns out his diagnoses will take a lifetime of therapy to treat. Even then there's no guarantee that he'll "get better". Sure when she requested that we both attend MC I did. It was a waste of my time entirely but I attended. I doubt I'll return. I'm already doing what I need to, to heal.

My WH isn't concerned that I'll be unfaithful because I never have been and didn't need marriage vows to BE faithful to any previous partner.

 

Now I know you are not my WH but being a WS MEANS YOU must do all the heavy lifting. Simple as that.

 

Maybe your BW will see your commitment to reconciliation through your ACTIONS and be willing to completely recommit later after you show her the PROOF of your intentions. Maybe not. It's totally up to her and more power to her for sticking to her guns through this. After all it was YOU who blew the M up. Now the whole "landscape" of your relationship has changed.

If you're willing to navigate through this very difficult and rocky terrain of R, then great. More power to you too. But I'm only 4 months in and it's been revolting for me. I'm 100% certain that my WH would agree. Now I'm a very different person to the wife he thought he had and need I say, I should be.

 

Best wishes. If your BW is still "with" you then I'd just make sure it's because of YOU and not a myriad of other reasons why you're still there.

 

Lion Heart.

[merrmeade]

Obtuse, I'm a BW in "reconciliation" I do that quotation mark thing because ... oh too many reasons.

 

I see your wife's point of view completely and I'll tell you why:

YOU had the "issues" (real or imaginary) with your M so

YOU need an impartial professional to help YOU work out YOUR issues. YOU DO have major issues and they obviously include at the very least, overblown entitlement. But I'm not your therapist and your W didn't and doesn't have YOUR issues.

 

IMO, which may or may not be shared by your BW, YOU are your BW biggest issue so sort it. I'll tell you a little of what my IC said later on. But still IMO my WH divorced me the moment he decided to have an A. Yes I'm in agreement with OP who say that the vow of fidelity promised was broken by my WH so on every level "all bets are off". I found LS soon after my D Day by doing an Internet search on "revenge affairs". No I didn't have an RA but boy I felt like it. Still do at times but just to show WH a smidgeon of what it feels like. I won't for myriad of reasons. But as far as I'm concerned, whatever M we had is no longer in existence. No way will my WH dictate to me.

 

I saw a highly experienced psychiatrist / psychologist just a few days after my D Day. She listened and said I no longer need her help. I was grieving worse than I'd ever grieved, I should recognize my pain as grief, understand the cycle and I'd be fine. She also said that my WH would not be willing to see her because his issues were so great that he'd screwed up his life for decades and now his M. I never ever asked WH to see her but he did. Much to his family's disgust because they were sure I was the nutjob. Well it turns out his diagnoses will take a lifetime of therapy to treat. Even then there's no guarantee that he'll "get better". Sure when she requested that we both attend MC I did. It was a waste of my time entirely but I attended. I doubt I'll return. I'm already doing what I need to, to heal.

My WH isn't concerned that I'll be unfaithful because I never have been and didn't need marriage vows to BE faithful to any previous partner.

 

Now I know you are not my WH but being a WS MEANS YOU must do all the heavy lifting. Simple as that.

 

Maybe your BW will see your commitment to reconciliation through your ACTIONS and be willing to completely recommit later after you show her the PROOF of your intentions. Maybe not. It's totally up to her and more power to her for sticking to her guns through this. After all it was YOU who blew the M up. Now the whole "landscape" of your relationship has changed.

If you're willing to navigate through this very difficult and rocky terrain of R, then great. More power to you too. But I'm only 4 months in and it's been revolting for me. I'm 100% certain that my WH would agree. Now I'm a very different person to the wife he thought he had and need I say, I should be.

 

Best wishes. If your BW is still "with" you then I'd just make sure it's because of YOU and not a myriad of other reasons why you're still there.

 

Lion Heart.

 

This is what you call mental health.

[Lion Heart]

This is what you call mental health.

 

Gee thanks Mermaid. Big hugs.

 

Addendum: the IC / MC said last time that the only reason why I'll need to see her again is IF I stay married to WH. It would be for MC. Meanwhile WH has been prescribed a lifetime of therapy regardless.

 

Interesting point to ponder in regards to OPs posting.

 

I won't be needing MC. At $185 / hour I'm saving and investing that $$ in the joys of overseas travel. WH can endure the C he needs to "get" the craziness of his self. So far $1000s for FOO issues, much more to the disgust of WH family. Still not my problem.

 

LH

[sandylee1]

Your wife had no idea either until she looked at your phone. Just sayin. You managed to keep it hidden from her for a while too.

 

And you can bet that she's learned how to cover her tracks, because she knows what she had to do to discover your A. She'll be smarter about it.

 

Have you considered that she may be using this as a means of testing your true feelings? "I'm going to start spending time with another guy and see how he reacts." It makes perfect sense. Do you say anything about it? If so, that means you're invested. Do you say and/or do nothing? If so, that means you don't really care. I'm not saying this is how you actually feel, but I'm saying that it would be very easy for her to come to those conclusions.

 

Like I said...nip it in the bud. ASAP.

 

It's a bit of a tricky situation to get het up about after his own affair. I think when you've done wrong and it's been exposed, you loose the ability to speak as you may have done before.

 

I think if I was the OPs wife and was just talking to the guy, I'd be pissed of my WH tried to say much considering what he'd done. I'd honestly shoot him down very quickly. .......but that's just me.

[Zenstudent]

It's a bit of a tricky situation to get het up about after his own affair. I think when you've done wrong and it's been exposed, you loose the ability to speak as you may have done before.

 

I think if I was the OPs wife and was just talking to the guy, I'd be pissed of my WH tried to say much considering what he'd done. I'd honestly shoot him down very quickly. .......but that's just me.

 

No, it's not just you.

[Hope Shimmers]

If he has any hopes of saving his marriage, he has to try. And since she hasn't said she wants to end the marriage herself, how is what she's doing any different than what he did?

 

How is what she's doing any different than what he did? I hope you're kidding.

 

I get what you're saying; I just didn't see how he had any leg to stand on to tell her what to do. And in her shoes, I would not care how he felt about it. JMO

[Mrin]

OP: I've only just skimmed this thread but wanted to offer an observation. In your recent posts you use a lot of conditional or speculative phrases.

 

I should

I might

I need to

I would but

 

It could just be your manner of speaking but it comes across as very wishy washy. I know you're depressed and depressed people are like that but it seems like you are not 100% committed to your reconciliation. A committed man acts with urgency and decisiveness. You're not doing that.

 

If I didn't know better I'd say you are just stringing this thing out hoping that your BW decides to call it quits - saving you the guilt and blame.

[sandylee1]

How is what she's doing any different than what he did? I hope you're kidding.

 

I get what you're saying; I just didn't see how he had any leg to stand on to tell her what to do. And in her shoes, I would not care how he felt about it. JMO

 

Agree with you Hope. The year long physical affair, doesn't come close to comparison.

 

As Tool said, his BW is doing the 180. At this point, she doesn't know if he'll go to his XAP or not. When you've been betrayed, you second guess everything and try and protect your heart from further hurt.

 

OP - You really need to muster up everything inside of you to make your wife feel wanted and special. If not, she won't think she is and may just pull the plug. Let her know that you are worth a second chance.

 

Think of ask the things you can do to make her feel 'safe'. Have you done them? If I was a BW , I'd want to see what lengths my WH was prepared to go to, to persuade me the marriage is worth staying in.

 

Dig deep.

[Zenstudent]

Agree with you Hope. The year long physical affair, doesn't come close to comparison.

 

As Tool said, his BW is doing the 180. At this point, she doesn't know if he'll go to his XAP or not. When you've been betrayed, you second guess everything and try and protect your heart from further hurt.

 

OP - You really need to muster up everything inside of you to make your wife feel wanted and special. If not, she won't think she is and may just pull the plug. Let her know that you are worth a second chance.

 

Think of ask the things you can do to make her feel 'safe'. Have you done them? If I was a BW , I'd want to see what lengths my WH was prepared to go to, to persuade me the marriage is worth staying in.

 

Dig deep.

OP needs to learn this - it took him 47 pages in this thread to even consider that his wife had needs too, and speculate on what they might be.

[toolforgrowth]

How is what she's doing any different than what he did? I hope you're kidding.

 

I get what you're saying; I just didn't see how he had any leg to stand on to tell her what to do. And in her shoes, I would not care how he felt about it. JMO

 

As I have already stated, if she were to have an RA, I would completely understand and I wouldn't hold it against her in the slightest. Please read all of my statements for full context before taking one snippet out of context.

 

The difference is that she is not moving to end the marriage. If she wants to stay and have an RA just to get back at him, fine. Would he deserve it? Absolutely. But to my understanding, she has said she doesn't want to end the marriage. That means she wants to stay married and yet potentially fool around on the side.

 

The only difference I can see is motivation. OP was motivated by lust, and his wife is probably motivated by revenge. In either case, both are deadly to their marriage when both have expressed they want to try to salvage it.

 

One can deem an action dangerous and contrary to a person's stated intent without being judgmental of their character.

Edited April 26, 2015 by toolforgrowth

[Hope Shimmers]

As I have already started, if she were to have an RA, I would completely understand and I wouldn't hold it against her in the slightest. Please read all of my statements for full context before taking one snippet out of context.

 

The difference is that she is not moving to end the marriage. If she wants to stay and have an RA just to get back at him, fine. Would he deserve it? Absolutely. But to my understanding, she has said she doesn't want to end the marriage. That means she wants to stay married and yet potentially fool around on the side.

 

The only difference I can see is motivation. OP was motivated by list, and his wife is probably motivated by revenge. In either case, both are deadly to their marriage when both have expressed they want to try to salvage it.

 

One can deem an action dangerous and contrary to a person's stated intent without being judgmental of their character.

 

I wasn't trying to take you to task; I apologize if it came off that way. And I did read everything you posted. I just didn't agree with you that he had any right to tell her to do anything, and I don't think her confiding in a divorced man at this point is even remotely similar to his year-long physical affair from which he is still trying to extricate himself emotionally.

 

I was just pointing out how I think she is feeling. These are the repercussions of what he has done. He has lost any right to expect her respect at this point because he has been neither loyal nor respectful to her for this past year. She is waiting to see if he seems truly remorseful, which is understandable - why should she have to be moving to end the marriage now? It's very soon. Doesn't everyone keep preaching how this decision can take months or even years?

 

And, she is waiting to see some evidence that he is all in, in terms of fixing the marriage. I'm betting she isn't seeing it, because if things are anything like what is coming through in the OP's posts, he's wishy-washy and doubtful about wanting that. The only thing he really does seem to still want is the AP. If strangers on the internet can see that, you can bet she sees it too.

 

Theoretically it is not the "right" thing for her to do, but she has absolutely nothing to go on, to make her believe there is anything left in her marriage.

[toolforgrowth]

I wasn't trying to take you to task; I apologize if it came off that way. And I did read everything you posted. I just didn't agree with you that he had any right to tell her to do anything, and I don't think her confiding in a divorced man at this point is even remotely similar to his year-long physical affair from which he is still trying to extricate himself emotionally.

 

I was just pointing out how I think she is feeling. These are the repercussions of what he has done. He has lost any right to expect her respect at this point because he has been neither loyal nor respectful to her for this past year. She is waiting to see if he seems truly remorseful, which is understandable - why should she have to be moving to end the marriage now? It's very soon. Doesn't everyone keep preaching how this decision can take months or even years?

 

And, she is waiting to see some evidence that he is all in, in terms of fixing the marriage. I'm betting she isn't seeing it, because if things are anything like what is coming through in the OP's posts, he's wishy-washy and doubtful about wanting that. The only thing he really does seem to still want is the AP. If strangers on the internet can see that, you can bet she sees it too.

 

Theoretically it is not the "right" thing for her to do, but she has absolutely nothing to go on, to make her believe there is anything left in her marriage.

 

No worries, no offense taken.

 

Your last sentence perfectly sums it up. No, it's not the "right" thing for her to do, But none of us would blame her for making that decision based on what we know of the situation.

 

I guess you could say I technically had an RA when I found out my xWW was cheating. Divorce had already been filed, yes, but I felt no attachment to her and my intent was to divorce. I was talking no action to save it and all actions I took were to move forward without her. OP's wife isn't there yet.

 

At best, OP can hope that his wife will file before getting involved with this guy or any other guy.

[Hope Shimmers]

I guess you could say I technically had an RA when I found out my xWW was cheating. Divorce had already been filed, yes, but I felt no attachment to her and my intent was to divorce. I was talking no action to save it and all actions I took were to move forward without her. OP's wife isn't there yet.

 

I totally understand why you did that. And I'll probably get flak for saying this, but if I were in your place, I would be tempted to have an RA if I felt things weren't moving forward, even if divorce had not been filed yet. I know that's wrong but at least I'm being honest.

[afoolto no end]

Hi there

I am so sorry you two are struggling to connect, I am a BS and I can tell you that the exposure and the help and support I received during the devastation of everything I believed in was priceless. You have no right to be angry over a situation that you created, if there was no affair that wouldn't have happened. You need to understand you created the problem…..

I felt helpless and my self esteem was shot even though I seemed strong I am sure your wife feels like that too, 2nd best does not feel good………….

I would suggest you do what my WH did, he owned it with everyone, family included and with me present I admired him for doing this and acknowledging my pain in all he had done to create the mess our lives had been, my husband also had his affair with a work colleague. He told them all he would be patient and do everything and anything to fix what he broke……….slowly as he filled my needs stood up for our marriage and me I came around to trusting and feeling better about myself and the marriage…….

spending time together is key filling her emotional needs is key without fixing those things you will stay where you are and you won't fall in love with her again………you love her but you need to fall in love again……..

accept everything she wants to do, leave notes where it surprises her to find them, do little things for her that she likes, food, books whatever she likes.

I would have the conversation about how affairs happen and how easily if someone else fills your needs your loyalty leaves the marriage and the affair fog starts…….tell her it scares you because you know what her relationship with the other man could be…….ask her to stop discussing personal things with OS friends……..

You have to hit the emotional needs that others are filling for her now or she won't fall in love with YOU.

This isn't easy recovery is not easy, affairs change the foundation of trust and the belief we all have, I bet she could say the same thing about you not having an affair as well…………

 

she thought she knew you too……….I agree she is protecting herself with the 180 because she is afraid of more hurt I was too……..

You have to prove to her by standing up for her and the marriage……in public, if you didn't want the embarrassment you shouldn't have had an affair. It is not her fault others know……….

Stop thinking about the OW as well, Your mind cannot connect with your wife as long as she is there, the affair lives on in you when you do that……

It is over ………..100% or nothing ……………if you don't you will only end up hurting her more……you don't want the same marriage, turn this around make it good…….………….it's just so hard for a BS ………..You have to take the reins and lead her to you again…………she saved you, you just don't get that yet, you won't be able to live something or a life that isn't you morally….so get on board…...

[gettingstronger]

I am a BS in reconciliation and honestly, if you were my husband I'd give you the boot. You are still concentrating on her flaws. I was a selfish, disgusting mess after dday. My husband stood right there and took every bit of my hurt and anger. He held me, listened to me and most of all, he never judged me. Flash foward two years, he is far more damaged at this point than I am. He is facing what he did and it makes him sick. He is messy and I hold him and listen to him and hopefully at some point, we will both heal. But, I tell you what, in the immediate aftermath, I was in no position to help him. He created the mess, he helped stabilize me before he gave one thought about himself.

[truncated]

Op,

If you were the one in your wife's shoes, what would you need to be able to begin to reconnect?

 

Knowing your wife the way you do, what do you think she needs?

 

When I read stories like yours, I always think of how hard it must be for the bs. They are slammed in the face with the news their ws has been cheating, and all of a sudden, they are in incredible emotional and even physical pain, and right in the middle of all that chaos, they are in a postion where they need to decide to reconcile or walk away.

 

While their own wounds are very fresh and bleeding raw, they have to begin trying to rebuild their trust ( should they have decided to stay), and I'm not surprised that it takes a long time. If i were in that position, i would find it really hard to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to fully get back into the relationship, as that would leave me open and vulnerable to being hurt again. I expect that it would be a long and slow process to begin to rebuild that sense of trust and get to a place where I could risk being fully emotionally connected again. This is not to say i don't think it could eventually happen, but rather that it would take a long time and a lot of paitience on the part of my ws would be required.

 

Your bs's trust in you and your relationship is not going to be rebuilt overnight, and some grand gesture won;t do it either. It's going to take a whole lot of small acts for her to begin to feel safe again.

 

Compare it to someone who was hurt when heir house was robbed. The place they should be able to feel most secure and safe has been violated, and it will take a long time of "baby steps" to begin to feel safe again.

[Furious]

Here was my story from a couple weeks ago, well D-day came yesterday and it's hit our marriage like a tidal wave since.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/515871-affair-partner-broke-off-i-feel-sick

 

My wife apparently looked through my phone yesterday morning while I was in the shower and found some texts I had sent to my affair partner. Since then, it's been living hell at home. I am going to see a professional counselor, and have already had two appointments. It has been extremely difficult to see my wife in so much pain and agony, and to know that I am the cause of it.

 

I saw my affair partner yesterday after my wife found out. She was giddy with excitement thinking this will mean that we will soon have a life together. Since then, I've limited contact to focus on my marriage, but in her communication with me, she's been pushy about me moving out, and dismissive about the fallout and pain my wife is feeling. This has irritated me. I now feel that my conflict between staying or going in the marriage will not be a comparison of the two women, rather it would be a question of whether I can truly be the type of husband my wife deserves, or if I need to be alone to reflect on my life and some wrong decisions I might have made, and the pain and hurt I've caused.

 

I have to say that a part of me does feel a strong urge to end the marriage and divorce, and actually to spend some time being single to reconnect with myself in the aftermath of this. Another part of me sees the determination and strength my wife is exhibiting and her commitment to me and our marriage, and I would feel disgusted with myself if I did not give it my 100% to make this marriage work again. I have gained a lot of respect for my wife in the aftermath of this, even if she has lost respect for me.

 

It's going to be a difficult journey the next month or so. It really feels like hell right now.

 

 

After reading this thread, it's apparent you've not progressed beyond feeling sorry for yourself. Have you noticed how easily you get frustrated when situations are snatched from your narrative.

 

Everyone in your life is subject to your standards of behaviour and you prefer the upper hand. You shift your perception often, depending on how others make you feel. it's really all about you, and how your conception is best served.

 

One moment, the OW is wonderful and the next moment she's not a good person and her character is questionable. Same with your wife, one moment she's wonderful and the next moment you question her flaws.

 

Seems, the only person you do not question is yourself. You're too busy critiquing the image the women in your life reflect in your mirror.

 

One minute you'r the saviour of a damsel in distress, the next minute you're the good husband who rescues the marriage. One minute you praise the OW and the next minute you question her flaws. Same with your wife, one minute she's a great woman and the next minute you put her flaws under a microscope.

 

Your resentful, your in laws know you cheated, but you never really liked them or clicked with them of course. You're resentful, that you cannot manage control the persona you've cultivated in their eyes.

 

Yeah...you're pissed off your wife has confided in her family and her close friends know. I guess this makes it harder for you as you no longer can control your brand of narrative.

 

Seems as though you arrange people in your life to fit your image. There seems to be a pattern of expecting the best from others to best suit the image you've cultivated.

[toolforgrowth]

After reading this thread, it's apparent you've not progressed beyond feeling sorry for yourself. Have you noticed how easily you get frustrated when situations are snatched from your narrative.

 

Everyone in your life is subject to your standards of behaviour and you prefer the upper hand. You shift your perception often, depending on how others make you feel. it's really all about you, and how your conception is best served.

 

One moment, the OW is wonderful and the next moment she's not a good person and her character is questionable. Same with your wife, one moment she's wonderful and the next moment you question her flaws.

 

Seems, the only person you do not question is yourself. You're too busy critiquing the image the women in your life reflect in your mirror.

 

One minute you'r the saviour of a damsel in distress, the next minute you're the good husband who rescues the marriage. One minute you praise the OW and the next minute you question her flaws. Same with your wife, one minute she's a great woman and the next minute you put her flaws under a microscope.

 

Your resentful, your in laws know you cheated, but you never really liked them or clicked with them of course. You're resentful, that you cannot manage control the persona you've cultivated in their eyes.

 

Yeah...you're pissed off your wife has confided in her family and her close friends know. I guess this makes it harder for you as you no longer can control your brand of narrative.

 

Seems as though you arrange people in your life to fit your image. There seems to be a pattern of expecting the best from others to best suit the image you've cultivated.

 

Wow...this post describes my xWW to a T. Every word of it. And I also see the patterns in OP's behavior here too.

 

I have a feeling his BW is going to pull the plug and he'll be left asking himself, "What happened?"

[obtuseedge]

I'm sad to announce here, that my wife and I just agreed to a divorce.

 

It's been so painful between us. And a large part of it is realizing that we just weren't compatible in many ways, and that was the primary cause of our disconnect, and me feeling unfulfilled and turning to the affair.

 

I am glad I cut off my AP for the last few months while I figured this out.

 

The divorce was primarily her choice, but I agreed to it. For many reasons, a major part of it is knowing we weren't the best fit for one another, and also, that I know someone else could give her the love she deserves.

 

Going through a mix of so many emotions right now, confusion, sadness, guilt, feeling numb, relief, regret, and most of all, just disillusionment.

 

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

[RoseVille]

obtuse, I've read a bit if your story, but I don't remember all the details, so please forgive me: did you two go to MC? Did you have a sincere, true desire to R with your W?

 

I'm sorry to hear of your divorce, but I hope everything works out for you, however it shakes out.

[obtuseedge]

obtuse, I've read a bit if your story, but I don't remember all the details, so please forgive me: did you two go to MC? Did you have a sincere, true desire to R with your W?

 

I'm sorry to hear of your divorce, but I hope everything works out for you, however it shakes out.

 

She didn't want to do MC. Yes, I did want to reconcile with my wife. Although I did realize the challenges we had, me betraying her trust, my doubts about myself, our compatibility issues.

 

I feel extremely sad and lost at this point.

[RoseVille]

She didn't want to do MC. Yes, I did want to reconcile with my wife. Although I did realize the challenges we had, me betraying her trust, my doubts about myself, our compatibility issues.

 

I feel extremely sad and lost at this point.

 

I'm so very sorry you're hurting. The end of any relationship is difficult, but I'm sure a marriage is much worse.

 

Was it the A that made her unwilling to go to MC? Or something else?

[obtuseedge]

I'm so very sorry you're hurting. The end of any relationship is difficult, but I'm sure a marriage is much worse.

 

Was it the A that made her unwilling to go to MC? Or something else?

 

It was the fact that she felt my sense of not being fulfilled was due to my own lack of satisfaction over our relationship and not to any actual problems with the relationship itself. Essentially, we just weren't the best fit. And I agree that that was the primary problem between us. Either way, over the years, I've come to love her and that's why I stayed, even if the relationship made me feel incomplete.

 

I feel so much sadness right now.

 

We talked calmly about how we would split the assets. She said I can deal with it as I saw fit. I am giving her half of our assets, and also the business, so I'm going to be generous. I want to make sure she's taken care of.

[Popsicle]

I'm sad to announce here, that my wife and I just agreed to a divorce.

 

It's been so painful between us. And a large part of it is realizing that we just weren't compatible in many ways, and that was the primary cause of our disconnect, and me feeling unfulfilled and turning to the affair.

 

I am glad I cut off my AP for the last few months while I figured this out.

 

The divorce was primarily her choice, but I agreed to it. For many reasons, a major part of it is knowing we weren't the best fit for one another, and also, that I know someone else could give her the love she deserves.

 

Going through a mix of so many emotions right now, confusion, sadness, guilt, feeling numb, relief, regret, and most of all, just disillusionment.

 

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Oh wow. Im sorry for your loss. It feels like your right arm is being chopped off when you get divorced but I'm here to tell you, it does get better. I wish you peace during this sad time.

[RoseVille]

It was the fact that she felt my sense of not being fulfilled was due to my own lack of satisfaction over our relationship and not to any actual problems with the relationship itself.

 

This puzzles me. I assume there's back story here, but if a person isn't personally satisfied with a relationship, that means there are actual problems with the relationship itself... to me, anyway.

 

Her attitude here comes across like, "This isn't working but it's all your fault, Obtuse. And only your fault. It's your issue. In your head. The relationship is fine. It's you that's the problem."