Author obtuseedge Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 I think the bigger problem you have, and what led you, in part, to think that having an affair was okay (at the time, certainly), is that you don't understand what love or commitment really are. I love how the late Frank Pittman describes marriage: I think that expecting your spouse to meet your "emotional needs" and you theirs is a perfect setup for eventual disappointment for not living up to those expectations, real or imagined (but usually imagined and blown out of proportion). You may feel disappointed or decide that you were incompatible because you're not giddily in love with one another for the rest of your life like the Reconciliation Industrial Complex tells you that you should strive for. But in this case, you so utterly demolished the marriage that you'd have to start over from scratch anyway, if you should ever do decide that you want to be married to one another. -10th Engineer Harrison You're right. unfortunately, I don't think I was emotionally mature enough to really understand marriage when I got married. A lot of it had to do with my upbringing and my parent's marriage, and the way they communicated, which is basically almost no communication, or just my mom nagging and my dad shutting himself off. From my counseling, I've discovered that I've really lacked a lot of understanding and insight into key factors in romantic relationships and also identifying and addressing issues, and unfortunately, I wasn't really equipped for marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Your trip sounds awesome, I hope it helps you move on. I wouldn't go anywhere near the exAP with a ten foot pole. After everything I've read over the threads she has had no problem threatening you, manipulating you and disparaging you publicly when you haven't done exactly what she wanted. Sure she made you feel awesome but it's funny how that only happened when things were going her way or she wanted something from you. She had no respect for NC or what you told her you needed in order to try and heal your marriage or yourself. Yes I believe you led her on but she had no problem trying to take the lead herself either. I'm hoping your travel gets this need for drama out of your system. She's moving on up and you will just end up collateral damage if you go there again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Thats what I am doing at this time. I haven't contact my xAP and not sure if I will. I do have a trip planned with a friend of mine who is really into social work for Native American communities, and we are going to Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota in the summer. So I am looking forward to that, and it reconnects with some of my old passions. A good cause. I have done a lot of volunteering in the Native American communities of Gallup and Zuni, New Mexico (mainly Navajo and Zuni tribes) to provide health care. Many months there; it's a worthwhile endeavor. Don't contact your ex-AP though. As you already pointed out, she would be even less likely than your soon-to-be ex-wife to appreciate these types of environments for months on end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Thats what I am doing at this time. I haven't contact my xAP and not sure if I will. Don't contact her. Your A is over, the damage has been done, to both of your lives. Your A turned into an unhealthy and toxic thing, you started seeing her a different light which made you change your mind about who you thought she was, do you want that drama again in your life? My guess is no.. She is part of your past, you both need to move on and not look back. Clean slate! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 For the life of me, I will never understand why people have affairs. They treat another person like a second-fiddle, letting them know that's what they are the whole time, while simultaneously playing an ultimate betrayal on their top priority. Then they wonder why everyone gets crazy and toxic on them. People calling the person this guy had an affair with crazy and toxic - please stop. She should have known, sure, but don't pat this guy on the back for doing what he should have done by trying to make someone else look wrong. He screwed up, and is now paying the price. People don't understand how seriously infidelity is in any relationship...especially in a marriage where you take vows. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) He screwed up, and is now paying the price. People don't understand how seriously infidelity is in any relationship...especially in a marriage where you take vows. With all due respect, Minime - we do understand how infidelity impacts lives and marriages. Tuse, is a human being, short-comings and all, he's a person who is hurting and needs to find his way again through the hurt and confusion. Let's lay off him for a bit and show some compassion. At the end of the day, he's a man with feelings and a life to rebuild. Our job is to support him. Edited May 20, 2015 by Rainbowlove 5 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 With all due respect, Minime - we do understand how infidelity impacts lives and marriages. Tuse, is a human being, short-comings and all, he's a person who is hurting and needs to find his way again through the hurt and confusion. Let's lay off him for a bit and show some compassion. At the end of the day, he's a man with feelings and a life to rebuild. Our job is to support him. With all due respect, he just admitted, at the top of this page, that this could have been one of the issues. It is not our job to support him. These are advice boards. And after three months of this (post on this forum) I think he is finally beginning to come to terms with the fact that this affair was his choosing, and this betrayal cannot be blamed on anyone else. But, there's still a part of him that is feeling sorry for himself, and people are encouraging that by shifting the blame. That's not going to help him. Full terms of forgiveness is coming to full terms with the things HE did, not on what others did. He was involved with both of these women, and continued to toy with both of them during his process of reconciliation, up until he was hit with divorce. I don't feel compassion for that action. He should not be getting compassion for that. People that spend months feeling sorry for themselves over the pain they caused, in my opinion, need a little tough love. If you disagree with my point of view, that's fine. I don't need to be scolded over my own point of view, just because it comes from a different place than yours. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 With all due respect, he just admitted, at the top of this page, that this could have been one of the issues. It is not our job to support him. These are advice boards. And after three months of this (post on this forum) I think he is finally beginning to come to terms with the fact that this affair was his choosing, and this betrayal cannot be blamed on anyone else. But, there's still a part of him that is feeling sorry for himself, and people are encouraging that by shifting the blame. That's not going to help him. Full terms of forgiveness is coming to full terms with the things HE did, not on what others did. He was involved with both of these women, and continued to toy with both of them during his process of reconciliation, up until he was hit with divorce. I don't feel compassion for that action. He should not be getting compassion for that. People that spend months feeling sorry for themselves over the pain they caused, in my opinion, need a little tough love. If you disagree with my point of view, that's fine. I don't need to be scolded over my own point of view, just because it comes from a different place than yours. Defensive much? Just my two scents...what you do with it is up to you. I wish you well... Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Defensive much? Just my two scents...what you do with it is up to you. I wish you well... No, not defensive. You singled my post out. Thank you for backing off that line, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Just one last thing... LoveShack.org is designed and operated to promote collaboration and to offer support to persons seeking advice. Thanks But perhaps with your tough love stance, you are supporting him differently. It's all good... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aprilsnow Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Question for OP Obtusedge, If your AP had reacted in a more loving way and showed compassion towards your wife instead of displaying her selfish side and being all "giddy with excitement" as you described.....would you have chosen to stay with her in the end? Link to post Share on other sites
Bee4bdn Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Best figure it out before you lose your Wife forever to another man!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Best figure it out before you lose your Wife forever to another man!!! They are divorcing. See #769 Link to post Share on other sites
Tread Carefully Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I hope OP is alright. I hope his W and AP are alright as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 She certainly wants a future together. However, I have to admit that she had cut me off a second time hoping to provoke a reaction out of me, and seeing how she is responding to all this tumult, I am starting to realize that she may not be a person I can truly be with. In the end, whether I stay or go will be dependent on whether I can be a husband or not at this time. With any luck at all both of them will realize the same of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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