Hurting from doing 'the right thing'

[Southern Sun]

I am lonely everywhere I turn, yet I know I created this. I permanently scarred my marriage and don't feel husband and I are on the same side yet. I can't really talk to friends or family about this. And I ended the one relationship that I haven't tarnished with lies or betrayal, though it needed to end.

 

So yeah. I'm in a pretty lonely, dark place. Affairs are f'ing awful.

 

 

So, yes, this is the consequences of our choices. No way around them.

 

 

I hope you are not using your BS as plan B.

 

 

Don't do that to him.

 

He is not my Plan B. I married him. He was my college sweetheart. I feel like I got side-swiped, confused by a distraction. The steps I am taking and have been preparing for are designed to get me back to my Plan A.

 

Yes, it is truly disturbing the pain we create for ourselves, and then the pain our loved ones feel as a result of our actions.

[DKT3]

I see a few things in your thread that leads me to believe that your marriage will fail.

 

First you made the comment about MM "if its meant to be then it will be". This suggests that even with the best intentions at mind, they aren't the intentions at heart. When you face difficult times, and you will, you will simply go to that place where MM is your comfort and your desired destination. This will only prolong everyones pain and still result in the same outcome as walking away from the marriage today.

 

Second you commented that you and your husband aren't on the same team NOW. No you are not you've are a proud member of team MM and you kicked your husband off your team when you started this affair. You have to find a way to join your husbands team. This will never happen until "if its meant to be then it will be" is "this was wrong and should have never happened".

 

Lastly, I hate to say it, and I hope I'm wrong but your husband isn't going to stick around. Betrayed husbands tend to become clingy or attempt to rugsweep and pretend it never happened. Your husband is embracing that it happened gone into therapy and started to ditance himself. He isn't likely long for this marriage. Your time is short, I believe your going to have to fast track this. Its hard, I get that. But if you want to try with your marriage you'd better be pushy about getting and staying involved in helping your husband heal. Right now, he appear to be healing away from you.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and I really hope I'm wrong.

[Southern Sun]

I see a few things in your thread that leads me to believe that your marriage will fail.

 

First you made the comment about MM "if its meant to be then it will be". This suggests that even with the best intentions at mind, they aren't the intentions at heart. When you face difficult times, and you will, you will simply go to that place where MM is your comfort and your desired destination. This will only prolong everyones pain and still result in the same outcome as walking away from the marriage today.

 

I didn't say this; MM did. It was sort of a way to finally end the phone conversation. It's just weird to say goodbye to someone and know it is with finality. It's almost like pretending they are dead. But he said that in an effort to sort of lighten the mood and make it possible for us to just end it. I am not hanging onto this as a possibility. In fact, I know I can't in order for my marriage to work. I realized how much more peaceful I am feeling today, knowing my 'escape hatch' door had been closed.

 

Second you commented that you and your husband aren't on the same team NOW. No you are not you've are a proud member of team MM and you kicked your husband off your team when you started this affair. You have to find a way to join your husbands team. This will never happen until "if its meant to be then it will be" is "this was wrong and should have never happened".

 

Right. I still feel like we are looking through the glass at each other. Not all the time, but there are moments. However, I feel like I am making the right progress in order for us to be on the same side of the glass.

 

Lastly, I hate to say it, and I hope I'm wrong but your husband isn't going to stick around. Betrayed husbands tend to become clingy or attempt to rugsweep and pretend it never happened. Your husband is embracing that it happened gone into therapy and started to ditance himself. He isn't likely long for this marriage. Your time is short, I believe your going to have to fast track this. Its hard, I get that. But if you want to try with your marriage you'd better be pushy about getting and staying involved in helping your husband heal. Right now, he appear to be healing away from you.

 

His healing hasn't been linear; neither has mine. There are times he's been clingy, times he's been distant, times when he seems to be giving up, and times when he is his old self. I am here for him and feel even better without this dark cloud hanging over me. It is a relief to know I can now do this completely and totally all in. I am going to do everything I can to heal us TOGETHER.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and I really hope I'm wrong.

 

Sometimes I wonder if this is like reverse psychology! I really hope you're wrong too.

[jbrent890]

I agree that nobody can demand or make you feel remorse. You won't be able to feel it until you have truly ended the affair though.

 

 

I also agree that you don't necessarily have to tell your husband every single thought that crosses your mind. I think talking to him openly and honestly might go a long way to building trust and intimacy but you if you are not ready for that then you are not. I hope someday you get there.

 

 

However, by continuing contact with your AP behind your husband's back for months after he discovered the affair you have continued to deceive, manipulate and manage your husband. That has nothing to do with him demanding immediate remorse and everything to do with continued lies and deception perpetrated by you. Your husband thought you ended contact months ago so he still believes in lies. The work on the marriage has been a joke and you are making a fool of him and wasting his time by pretending. You think you know what's best for everyone and that you get to decide what your husband knows and what he doesn't know. You are trying to manage him and control his actions and choices by lying to him. That is very arrogant of you and not at all conducive to building a healthy marriage. Why do you get to know the facts and the truth of your marriage while conceal those things from your husband?

 

This is the point that people are trying to convey though OP. You may not have had any intention of starting up again, but you still broke NC when you promised your husband that you wouldn't. My question is to you, do you think it's fair for you dictate what he knows and doesn't know just so that you can make you R process easier. Personally, I think that exhibits the same selfish behavior that got you into the affair. You say that you have been honest, but that's lie and you know that OP. This is a pretty big piece of information that your husband needs to know. Be honest with your husband and tell him that you broke NC because you needed closure. He may understand or he may not, but isn't that his choice? Don't take that away from him just because you want your R to go more smoothly. That isn't fair to him. Please do the right thing.

[Popsicle]

Most truly remorseful WW I've seen here are disgusted. With themselves, with AP, and every little thing they did in the affair. Love? Nope. There are no feelings of love. At least not for AP

 

I have seen this too, in some cases. I actually find it sad when they hate themselves. It's like they have to hate themselves in order to love their BS. Just as there is nothing good that can come out of loving yourself too much, at your spouses expense, there is nothing good that can come out of loving your spouse too much, at your own expense. One will kill the other slowly and the other will kill you slowly.

[Popsicle]

And to answer your question, you have to just let go. Let go of your feelings for your OM. It takes time.

 

This is completely separate and says nothing about your M or its future.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

I don't know your story past this thread.

 

What do you want? If you could script the perfect ending what would you write? Now, go do those very things to get your perfect ending.

 

Is D the end of the world? Of course not. Kids will be fine. You will be fine. xH will be fine. It takes work of course...but it'll be ok in the end.

 

Can you reconcile? Sure. Its actually harder IMO. Much harder. But very achievable.

 

Is it ok to not know what you want? Of course! It is rare, to me, that anyone in this emotional hurricane who perfectly knows the way out.

 

So...what do you want?

What actions can you take to either achieve the goal or to help illuminate the goal?

Do them.

 

I would counsel you stop lying to your H. And every contact in secret is a lie. Its the very thing that got you here (in a superficial sense - ultimately you chose this). Choose a different path. Stop behaviors that got you here (what were they?)

 

I hope this ends as you wish to end. Time is NOT your ally. Lies doubly so.

 

If you are not in MC...start pronto. Two IC's working separately can do as much harm as good to a M.

[autumnnight]

So now what???

 

 

You know you have to tell your H about the ongoing contact, right? You do.

 

 

Me? My marriage is dysfunctional and affair ongoing. I'm not remorseful at this point, I guess... but my DDay will see me walk away finally from my marriage if it ever comes. Doesn't mean I can't call this how I see it.

 

 

You though, you say you want to save your marriage? Well that starts with coming clean and no more lying. What is remorse? I'm not sure what it is, but I know what its NOT. Its not lying, cheating, minimising, continuing the affair, looking back fondly on your affair partner and your 'love'. Its not ignoring your husbands pain and focusing on your own. And its certainly not continuing contact knowing how much pain you've caused your husband. You put yourself and OM above his healing. That's pretty selfish don't you think? Nowhere near remorseful

 

 

Most truly remorseful WW I've seen here are disgusted. With themselves, with AP, and every little thing they did in the affair. Love? Nope. There are no feelings of love. At least not for AP

 

Sovyouvare actively betrayingvyour husband as we speak....and you do not see the hypocrisybof the above post?

[Sassy Girl]

I know, it is a terrible situation from both sides, I wasn't dismissing the BSs pain.

Having been on this forum for a while the pain that BSs suffer is very apparent to me. Some show that pain in just about every post they write.

I am also very aware of the pain of the OW (often young and single) who is being pushed and pulled by a MM.

 

I was only appreciating the pain of the WS in this situation, as very often their pain is minimalised, as they are "to blame" and "in the wrong", so deserve everything they get...

Well... they did it to themselves, so yeah, they kinda do.

 

 

I don't think true remorse should be immediate. But I do think if you are committed to R, all your decisions are based on what's best for R to occur... and that hasn't happened here... still lies, deceipt, affair behaviour, contact... selfishness,

 

 

I mean really - you love and protect the man who brought this pain to your family and your husband.... Each time you spoke with him you willingly chose you and AP over your husband. Knowing the pain he is in, you continued.

 

I do think your R is pretty doomed when you can't even get real about the facts.

 

And from what Ive seen here... most BSs don't say its the affair that did the marriage in - it was the continued lying, hurt and betrayal after DDay...That knowing the pain BS was in - they continued to make selfish decisions and pile more pain on. Good luck.

[DKT3]

OP,

 

I don't know your story past this thread.

 

What do you want? If you could script the perfect ending what would you write? Now, go do those very things to get your perfect ending.

 

Is D the end of the world? Of course not. Kids will be fine. You will be fine. xH will be fine. It takes work of course...but it'll be ok in the end.

 

Can you reconcile? Sure. Its actually harder IMO. Much harder. But very achievable.

 

Is it ok to not know what you want? Of course! It is rare, to me, that anyone in this emotional hurricane who perfectly knows the way out.

 

So...what do you want?

What actions can you take to either achieve the goal or to help illuminate the goal?

Do them.

 

I would counsel you stop lying to your H. And every contact in secret is a lie. Its the very thing that got you here (in a superficial sense - ultimately you chose this). Choose a different path. Stop behaviors that got you here (what were they?)

 

I hope this ends as you wish to end. Time is NOT your ally. Lies doubly so.

 

If you are not in MC...start pronto. Two IC's working separately can do as much harm as good to a M.

 

I agree with everything, except MC. In my opinion she isn't ready for MC. In this situation I only believe MC is good if she was committed one way or the other. To either work on repairing the marriage or how to effectively co-parent as they prepare for divorce. Right now she is loyal to MM and making it seem as if being (remaining) married is being forced upon her or she is being ripped away from her "true" love. MC is hard, and with this mindset it will likely send her to divorce court. OP I know you won't agree with what I'm saying, but this is how its coming off

 

IC can be dangerous because her H therapist will likely focus on healing him apart from the marriage. Judging from what she said it seems that her husband is doing just that.

[Southern Sun]

I agree with everything, except MC. In my opinion she isn't ready for MC. In this situation I only believe MC is good if she was committed one way or the other. To either work on repairing the marriage or how to effectively co-parent as they prepare for divorce. Right now she is loyal to MM and making it seem as if being (remaining) married is being forced upon her or she is being ripped away from her "true" love. MC is hard, and with this mindset it will likely send her to divorce court. OP I know you won't agree with what I'm saying, but this is how its coming off

 

IC can be dangerous because her H therapist will likely focus on healing him apart from the marriage. Judging from what she said it seems that her husband is doing just that.

 

You are right - I don't agree with you. I AM committed to my marriage.

 

Just because I do not have feelings of hatred for MM doesn't mean I am loyal to him. We mutually agreed upon absolute no contact and did not leave the door open for future. It's over. He threw out some different ideas and I turned them down. I am not running him over with the bus, but if I was loyal to him, I would have accepted his alternate solutions.

 

I don't know where you're getting that I believe I am being "ripped away from my true love." I actually don't believe that. I think I said multiple times that I logically see that I am not thinking clearly and do not want to make decisions based upon raw emotion. The clearest and most logical decision I've made in a very long time is going NC.

 

My H's IC is very pro-marriage. He's actually stopped going to him now individually so that we can go to him as a couple.

[autumnnight]

Well... they did it to themselves, so yeah, they kinda do.

 

 

I don't think true remorse should be immediate. But I do think if you are committed to R, all your decisions are based on what's best for R to occur... and that hasn't happened here... still lies, deceipt, affair behaviour, contact... selfishness,

 

 

I mean really - you love and protect the man who brought this pain to your family and your husband.... Each time you spoke with him you willingly chose you and AP over your husband. Knowing the pain he is in, you continued.

 

I do think your R is pretty doomed when you can't even get real about the facts.

 

And from what Ive seen here... most BSs don't say its the affair that did the marriage in - it was the continued lying, hurt and betrayal after DDay...That knowing the pain BS was in - they continued to make selfish decisions and pile more pain on. Good luck.

 

So when do you plan on taking your own advice?

[Rainbowlove]

I think your head is out of the clouds, but your heart has to heal.

 

You have a ton of work ahead of you and you know it.

 

Put your head down, girl, and get to work!

 

I wish you all the best moving forward.

[DKT3]

In your own words

 

 

 

I am hurting. We both expressed sincere feelings, but have to face reality. We left it with, if it's meant to be, it will be. But I know I have to totally let that go in order to refocus on my marriage.

 

I don't want to romanticize things. I am just scared and in pain, but also want to do what's right for my husband and children.

 

This is very difficult, saying goodbye to someone you simply don't want to say goodbye to.

 

No where do you say your staying in the marriage because it what you want and because you love your husband, only out of duty or because its what you feel is expected or best for them.

 

Look, I'm really not a bad guy nor am I trying to get under your skin. These things are hard, but you have to be honest with yourself. Going from what you wrote you are loyal to your married man. Going from what you've wrote you make it seem that staying in your marriage isn't your first chioce rather what you feel is right.

 

I have been at this infidelity thing for about ten years, I've read studies, books, articles been to workshops, support groups, seminars you name it. Actions speak louder then words. Your actions say you are loyal and committed to MM. Its been one day of NC, one stance, one time you've picked your husband over MM. Even after being caught.

 

Every thing you've done to this point is false in terms of working on your marriage because you maintained contact and still wanted MM.

[Southern Sun]

In your own words

 

 

 

No where do you say your staying in the marriage because it what you want and because you love your husband, only out of duty or because its what you feel is expected or best for them.

 

Look, I'm really not a bad guy nor am I trying to get under your skin. These things are hard, but you have to be honest with yourself. Going from what you wrote you are loyal to your married man. Going from what you've wrote you make it seem that staying in your marriage isn't your first chioce rather what you feel is right.

 

I have been at this infidelity thing for about ten years, I've read studies, books, articles been to workshops, support groups, seminars you name it. Actions speak louder then words. Your actions say you are loyal and committed to MM. Its been one day of NC, one stance, one time you've picked your husband over MM. Even after being caught.

 

Every thing you've done to this point is false in terms of working on your marriage because you maintained contact and still wanted MM.

 

I posted here for help with my most immediate pain. Sorry if that hurts to hear, but I cut ties with someone I developed a relationship with. Even though I have no doubt it was the right thing to do, it still hurt. I quit drinking completely for several months. I never had 'a problem', but I had a glass or two of wine every night. It took maybe three days for me to get over the compulsion to pour a glass. I actually felt anger. Then it was about two weeks later when I realized, I didn't even think about it tonight.

 

But according to you, I should just give up.

 

According to you, one must never be able to make a stand and stick with it. Your evidence is that it's only been a day for me? At some point, don't we all start with the first day?

 

I had to start somewhere. If I lived according to your philosophy, I would look at this and think, oh, I've not been able to do it yet, so it must be insurmountable.

 

No. I believe I have a choice. I believe I am strong. And I am going to maintain NC.

[DKT3]

I posted here for help with my most immediate pain. Sorry if that hurts to hear, but I cut ties with someone I developed a relationship with. Even though I have no doubt it was the right thing to do, it still hurt. I quit drinking completely for several months. I never had 'a problem', but I had a glass or two of wine every night. It took maybe three days for me to get over the compulsion to pour a glass. I actually felt anger. Then it was about two weeks later when I realized, I didn't even think about it tonight.

 

But according to you, I should just give up.

 

According to you, one must never be able to make a stand and stick with it. Your evidence is that it's only been a day for me? At some point, don't we all start with the first day?

 

I had to start somewhere. If I lived according to your philosophy, I would look at this and think, oh, I've not been able to do it yet, so it must be insurmountable.

 

No. I believe I have a choice. I believe I am strong. And I am going to maintain NC.

 

I'm in no way saying you should give up, not with NC not with your marriage. What I'm saying is if you don't get honest with yourself you will FAIL in both. Being dishonest with yourself allowed you to get involved in an affair. You didn't go from 0 to 100 in a day. You lied to yourself, minimized, slowly crossed boundaries on your way down the rabbit hole.

 

My comments were a direct response to you saying that what I said had no grounds.

 

For many women breaking this emotional connection is up and down. In a week or so you will find yourself looking for reasons to contact him. Silly reason will make a lot of sense. You will start to question your marriage, divorce will start to seem like a viable option. Your husband will RAGE, in those moment you will compare the best of your affair against the worst of your marriage.

 

My point is, doing this because you feel its what is expected won't work, there doesn't seem to be any real emotional commitment towards your marriage.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt your desire to fix your marriage. If your strong thru the next few months in you NC your mind will clear. Getting to that point is hard.

 

I'm truly on your side in your efforts, and would love to see you get thru. Just be honest.

[Josmatjes]

In your own words

 

 

 

No where do you say your staying in the marriage because it what you want and because you love your husband, only out of duty or because its what you feel is expected or best for them.

 

Look, I'm really not a bad guy nor am I trying to get under your skin. These things are hard, but you have to be honest with yourself. Going from what you wrote you are loyal to your married man. Going from what you've wrote you make it seem that staying in your marriage isn't your first chioce rather what you feel is right.

 

I have been at this infidelity thing for about ten years, I've read studies, books, articles been to workshops, support groups, seminars you name it. Actions speak louder then words. Your actions say you are loyal and committed to MM. Its been one day of NC, one stance, one time you've picked your husband over MM. Even after being caught.

 

Every thing you've done to this point is false in terms of working on your marriage because you maintained contact and still wanted MM.

 

 

Dk, you have to give her a break! She needs support not someone telling her what she is not doing right. It's an extremely painful thing. She loves her husband and another man, sometimes it is what it is. She will make the right choice for her in the end.

Plus, and don't get all pissy, you can read and go to seminars all you want but until it's in your soul you cannot possibly know what it's like on our end. Just like I will never know the pain you felt. She sounds like she is still in pain and she needs to go through all the emotions and come out the other side.

I know firsthand how hard it is.....

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes please DKT3... enough already. Your point has been made.

 

OP, by page 5 of your thread you already know that some people here have experienced what you did, and others experienced it from the other side. I'm sorry, but no one that hasn't gone through what you are going through can understand it.

 

To me you seem committed to your marriage but you are going through hell because your heart is with OM right now. Just because your H found out does not make you automatically stop feeling for a person who you have developed strong feelings for. And yes, you CAN be committed to making your marriage work, but that doesn't mean that it isn't going to be painful to get over what is in your heart right now.

 

I went through what you did - for years. In my case, the relationship with ex-MM was not a good one for me in any way, and it should not have happened - it was damaging for me in many ways. That DID NOT CHANGE how I felt and the fact that it took me a period of time (a long period of time, unfortunately) to get over it. I truly understand the depth and devastation of your pain and I am sorry. Somehow it is just so much harder than if it were a 'normal' relationship.

 

You can only feel what you feel. Your actions can help that along, and your going no contact with him is going to help you heal. But it will be painful, and anyone who thinks that all should just magically disappear as if nothing happened has no idea what they are talking about. Your ACTIONS can be moving towards what you need to do to preserve your marriage, but your heart has to heal on its own.

 

Again, it sounds like both you and your H know this is going to be a painful road for both of you, for different reasons.

 

I think you can definitely achieve no contact with your ex-MM forever, and you can recommit to your marriage. You can't be expected to do it all overnight. Ignore anyone who says "I think you are going to fail because of X, Y, Z". Only you know that isn't going to happen. I think you will get there, and I promise that the pain does go away (or at least, it significantly lessens) over time.

 

Hang in there, and hugs.

[DKT3]

Dk, you have to give her a break! She needs support not someone telling her what she is not doing right. It's an extremely painful thing. She loves her husband and another man, sometimes it is what it is. She will make the right choice for her in the end.

Plus, and don't get all pissy, you can read and go to seminars all you want but until it's in your soul you cannot possibly know what it's like on our end. Just like I will never know the pain you felt. She sounds like she is still in pain and she needs to go through all the emotions and come out the other side.

I know firsthand how hard it is.....

 

Read my story Jos, I know what its like. I don't want to dominate her thread so I won't go into details but I get it.

 

You of all people should know that I have her best interest at hand in my posts. Not to long ago you were her. I feel that we have become pretty good internet friends even after my harsh words to you.

 

I will opt out for now.

 

Good luck OP.

[Josmatjes]

Read my story Jos, I know what its like. I don't want to dominate her thread so I won't go into details but I get it.

 

You of all people should know that I have her best interest at hand in my posts. Not to long ago you were her. I feel that we have become pretty good internet friends even after my harsh words to you.

 

I will opt out for now.

 

Good luck OP.

 

Of course I know you have her best interests.

 

You know my dday was almost 10 months ago and me letting go of someone I truly cared for was the one of the hardest things I've ever done. it took time, and a lot of relapses. I couldn't let go cold turkey, it had to be done over time for me. I'm only speaking of myself here though. I think it takes woman longer because we are more emotional and we can't compartmentalize. I still have crappy days.

 

And I respect your opinions very much, don't be angry:)

[Hope Shimmers]

Read my story Jos, I know what its like. I don't want to dominate her thread so I won't go into details but I get it.

 

You of all people should know that I have her best interest at hand in my posts. Not to long ago you were her. I feel that we have become pretty good internet friends even after my harsh words to you.

 

I will opt out for now.

 

Good luck OP.

 

Your story is that you are a BS, so I don't know you could understand it at all, with all due respect. I'm sure you have her best interests at heart though.

[jbrent890]

Dk, you have to give her a break! She needs support not someone telling her what she is not doing right. It's an extremely painful thing. She loves her husband and another man, sometimes it is what it is. She will make the right choice for her in the end.

Plus, and don't get all pissy, you can read and go to seminars all you want but until it's in your soul you cannot possibly know what it's like on our end. Just like I will never know the pain you felt. She sounds like she is still in pain and she needs to go through all the emotions and come out the other side.

I know firsthand how hard it is.....

 

Jos as always this isn't me putting you down. The difference between you and her Jos is that you have a husband that understands that he contributed to the poor state in your marriage. Because of that your husband was willing to wait while you sorted your feelings out. That's fine, but that's the norm. In fact, you kinda of lucked out. Most men tend to call it quits and if they don't do so immediately, they do it a few months later. The OP stated that she had a great husband and marriage, which is why her husband must have a ton of resentment, more so than other BSs. There is nothing worse than realizing that you did everything you could have done as a spouse and still get cheated on. And in my experience from reading other threads, these are the types of BSs that call it quits or as I already mentioned, have a RA to boost their destroyed ego. Cheating aside, there is nothing worse for a human being to realize that they weren't good enough and that's how her husband feels. I don't think everybody here is trying to beat her up, but we are being real with her. Her marriage is in serious danger, and I think it's very disingenuous to tell her to take her time and sort out her feelings. She already wasted two months of that time breaking NC with the OM. In her MC session, she needs to be honest about a lot of things. She needs to be honest about her feeling for OM, she needs to be honest as to why she wants to reconcile, and most importantly, she needs to honest about breaking NC. Doing these things is going to do something for her husband that needs to be done, which is fixing the trust. The marriages that I see survive this and come out stronger are the ones in which the WS is completely honest.

[Lurkeraspect]

Your story is that you are a BS, so I don't know you could understand it at all, with all due respect. I'm sure you have her best interests at heart though.

 

I disagree. He may be a BS, but he can certainly get her story. Unfortunately, the story is painted with the brush he's lived. And in his case, it's the story of the BS.

 

I've been on no side of the betrayal fence, yet I get all sides.

 

OP, you sound like you've truly thought things through, and are making the hard choices of your life. Mistakes were made, mistakes can be overcome.

[Hope Shimmers]

I disagree. He may be a BS, but he can certainly get her story. Unfortunately, the story is painted with the brush he's lived. And in his case, it's the story of the BS.

 

I've been on no side of the betrayal fence, yet I get all sides.

 

OP, you sound like you've truly thought things through, and are making the hard choices of your life. Mistakes were made, mistakes can be overcome.

 

I'm sorry, but no one who has been through the kind of pain can understand it. Just like I would never pretend to understand the pain of a BS. (Even though I was a BS, it was in a bad and divorcing marriage).

[Josmatjes]

Jos as always this isn't me putting you down. The difference between you and her Jos is that you have a husband that understands that he contributed to the poor state in your marriage. Because of that your husband was willing to wait while you sorted your feelings out. That's fine, but that's the norm. In fact, you kinda of lucked out. Most men tend to call it quits and if they don't do so immediately, they do it a few months later. The OP stated that she had a great husband and marriage, which is why her husband must have a ton of resentment, more so than other BSs. There is nothing worse than realizing that you did everything you could have done as a spouse and still get cheated on. And in my experience from reading other threads, these are the types of BSs that call it quits or as I already mentioned, have a RA to boost their destroyed ego. Cheating aside, there is nothing worse for a human being to realize that they weren't good enough and that's how her husband feels. I don't think everybody here is trying to beat her up, but we are being real with her. Her marriage is in serious danger, and I think it's very disingenuous to tell her to take her time and sort out her feelings. She already wasted two months of that time breaking NC with the OM. In her MC session, she needs to be honest about a lot of things. She needs to be honest about her feeling for OM, she needs to be honest as to why she wants to reconcile, and most importantly, she needs to honest about breaking NC. Doing these things is going to do something for her husband that needs to be done, which is fixing the trust. The marriages that I see survive this and come out stronger are the ones in which the WS is completely honest.

 

Yes, I was lucky... I think. Or I'm married to someone who doesn't want his comfort zone disturbed...hmmmm? But you are correct that you do need to be honest but I don't believe in full disclosure. My therapist even told me at this point it would only hurt more. The betrayed spouse doesn't need to know every sordid detail. It serves no purpose except more hurt.

First she needs to forgive herself.....