H's brother

[atreides]

As you have started, you need to keep the boundaries and not concern yourself with his issues. Don't allow his issues to make your family have issues.

Perhaps tell your H about his brother's situation so he can confide with is brother and help him through it.

[HereNorThere]

You don't "speak things into existence." Lol, that's not how the Universe works. Instead you verbalized what already existed, sought the advice of others and ultimately made a healthy decision that at the very least saved 3 families from devastation.

 

Proud of you, OP and you should certainly should be proud of yourself. If everything you're saying is true, this might actually be one of those life defining, fork in the road, butterfly effect, best decision you ever made type moments.

 

Stay strong!

[atreides]

You don't "speak things into existence." Lol, that's not how the Universe works. Instead you verbalized what already existed, sought the advice of others and ultimately made a healthy decision that at the very least saved 3 families from devastation.

 

Proud of you, OP and you should certainly should be proud of yourself. If everything you're saying is true, this might actually be one of those life defining, fork in the road, butterfly effect, best decision you ever made type moments.

 

Stay strong!

 

yea, she did do well.

[Majormisstep]

jt, you are still in a vulnerable situation with T. You leaving the dinner was the right thing to do.

 

Those "confusing" feelings are usually the precursor to an affair. No, you should not talk to him about his M, they need to deal with their issues through counselling, not by leaning on your shoulder. Stop all channels of communication with this man until you figure out why you need his attention (IC could help with that).

 

For criminy's sake don't go down that A road. Read some posts on LS for a very clear picture of what is in store for you if you do.

 

Be strong.

[whichwayisup]

I call bullsh.t. He and his brother are so close right? Why isn't he leaning on his brother? Why is leaning on you? Does your H know that his bro's wife has had 3 affairs?

 

Also, why were you totally ignoring him? Nobody told you to do that, just to put a bit more focus on others in the room and not only on him. Didn't have to be so subtle about it, enough that he noticed and everybody else did too.

 

Anyway, you need to back off and not spend so much time with him, tell him to open up to his brother and not you.

[Ralph79]

I call bullsh.t. He and his brother are so close right? Why isn't he leaning on his brother? Why is leaning on you? Does your H know that his bro's wife has had 3 affairs?

 

If they are/were close friends, I can see the brother wanting the opinion of a woman in these matters. I don't find it surprising at all that he would lean on her. But I think that she made the right choice in backing off from offering advice given her situation.

 

Also, why were you totally ignoring him? Nobody told you to do that, just to put a bit more focus on others in the room and not only on him. Didn't have to be so subtle about it, enough that he noticed and everybody else did too.

 

Nobody told her to ignore him, but then again she's not obliged to do anything anyone here says. If that's what she needs to do, in order to save her marriage from disaster, then so be it.

[merrmeade]

From someone whose spouse had affairs with two of his sisters-in-law (one before she became SIL) and flirted back and forth with all three SILs, I can tell you it's the most humiliating type of betrayal and devastation to the betrayed spouse imaginable. 'Listening' to you was like a window into the past.

 

I saw it coming from the beginning of the thread and couldn't believe the naysayers. You weren't projecting at all. You were needy, vulnerable, dishonest with yourself and developing the ability to rationalize.

 

I've dug as deep as I care or need to into the whys and wherefores of my husband's character issues that allowed him to do this to me and see many similarities with what you wrote. Just leave the incredulity for a second and resistance to compare because his offenses are so over the top. In my husband's case, these events happened over decades, even though he's also a callous SOB.

 

The situations, needs, tendencies are the same. You are young. It could happen again to you. You could get through this crisis and in 10 more years, perhaps, be in another situation with a best friend or other male intimate of your husband's. The danger is in thinking you can handle it. The comparison is with the mindset and circumstances. To deal with this situation and continue behaving in ways that are consistent with what you want and what is right, you absolutely must come to terms - no fudging, no excuses, no whitewashing - WITH YOURSELF about what you both did and said that sent inappropriate signals. You have to acknowledge the feelings he gave you. In other words, grow up and quit fooling yourself into believing any of it was all right because you were "friends," especially considering your spouses were so clueless, too.

 

My SIL to this day still talks to cousins and friends about my husband as if they'd simply been very good friends during hard times, without mentioning how they "lost it" a few times (had oral sex). The legitimacy of an emotional relationship between in-laws is always a matter of tact, self-awareness and genuine work on being sexless when around each other. It's a skill to work on.

 

Read about limerance. Read the recent psychological studies about how people fall in love, how circumstances, number of hours spent together and confidentiality, when allowed, are guaranteed to foster feelings of limerance or falling in love. Read Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends."

 

You knew. That's why you posted here. You felt appreciated, special, flattered, turned on and excited by BIL's attention in ways that an intimate girlfriend would NOT have made you feel.

 

Don't let your BIL do this to your husband. And the way you pull yourself away is not by talking and talking about how you "can't" be together, it's stupid, yadayada. You just do it. But first, tell or write him ONCE honestly and succinctly. You say that you were fooling yourself and so was he. Your relationship was NOT strictly platonic, and to continue in the same way is wrong. You only want to those kinds of feelings for your husband. You are sorry for his marital problems, but because of the history of sympathy, intimacy and inappropriate feelings between you, you simply cannot be the person to help him.

 

After you tell him this, then you treat him cordially and naturally. Do not be dramatic with yourself either that you are longing inside to give him comfort or some bullsh-t like that. Just think of the pain and agony you could be causing your husband and turn that spigot off. If you don't spend time, don't give the circumstances and do give your neediness and vulnerability to your own spouse instead, you can get out of this.

 

Notice I have not addressed the question of telling your spouse. But, yes, I suppose you have to do it. You do if you wish to bring your marriage up to the level of honesty, intimacy and trust that you were working on so gung-ho with his brother.

 

First, deal with the brother and yourself. Then, when you're clear and ready to deal with the TRUTH and your desire to make things right and great with your chosen life partner, tell him — and for pete's sake, tell him everything and as many times as he wants to know. Be prepared for more pain and heartache than you ever thought possible. But this is your consequence. There's no escape.

 

It's so sad. Just when I thought I was able to accept the past, I had a sobbing fit tonight, remembering the insufferable indignity and dishonor from people that were supposed to be my family.

 

I came to LS looking for insight and honesty and found this.

[stellamaria]

jt849 - are you codependent? Codependency often results in love addiction, and part of love addiction is fantasising about forbidden people (your BIL), having affairs, pushing boundaries and believing (rightly or wrongly) that other people are interested in you.

 

It is simply not possible that every guy in your circle is interested in you - you have people that cheat, and people that don't. The ones that don't are definitely not interested. The rest may be.

 

I have some of these issues myself, so apologies if I come across harshly.

 

merrmeade makes some amazing points - I believe limerence is likely when one person is vulnerable, needy, has weak boundaries (i.e. codependent) and ignores signs, and they provide support to another person through sympathy and confidentiality. I'm so sorry you are suffering merrmeade.

[gettingstronger]

I am sorry to hear about his marriage-thats awful for him-

 

I don't know if that means he is attracted to you, leaning on someone for comfort is different than being attracted to someone- I know for me as a BS, the last thing I would want is an affair-the thought makes me sick to my stomach-

 

I still think that he views you as family, not a lover and as such your friendship is important to him- I agree that since you have feelings for him, keeping him at an arms length is a good idea-

 

I hope you can work through your feelings for him so you can be the family support he craves-

[Arieswoman]

OP,

1047 says in post #47

 

I really don't think you understand the fire you are playing with. I think you are half a bottle of wine away from doing something very bad.

 

and harrybrown nails it in post #49

 

Think how you would feel if your H had an A with your sister.

 

Please stop this now and detach yourself from this guy before anyone gets hurt.

 

A colleague friend of mine divorced her husband because he had an affair with her unmarried sister. It basically blew the whole family dynamics to $h!£r@g$.

The mother blamed my friend and saw the sister as a victim. ( ! )

She (the mother) never spoke to my colleague for years, who was left with 2 small kids to bring up. They managed to patch things up when my friend's father was diagnosed with cancer. After he died my friend never spoke to any of them again. That was years ago.

Despite "blood being thicker than water" as they say my friend has never forgiven her sister for this betrayal, and has cut her out of her Will.

 

You are playing a dangerous game here .....and please read merrmeade's post 57#

 

merrmeade, I am sorry that happened to you.

Edited March 6, 2015 by Arieswoman

[jackslife]

we have a non traditional dynamic. Both of our families are well known in our community so we have a role to play.

 

This all sounds very weird. Your families non traditional dynamic in the community (whatever the hell that means!), has left you lusting after your BIL while his wife has had 3, yes 3 affairs.

 

Maybe you, your H, SIL and BIL should spend less time building barns and worrying about what the community thinks and more time looking at your marriages.

Edited March 6, 2015 by jackslife

[merrmeade]

Please stop this now and detach yourself from this guy before anyone gets hurt.

 

A colleague friend of mine divorced her husband because he had an affair with her unmarried sister. It basically blew the whole family dynamics to $h!£r@g$.

The mother blamed my friend and saw the sister as a victim. ( ! )

She (the mother) never spoke to my colleague for years, who was left with 2 small kids to bring up. They managed to patch things up when my friend's father was diagnosed with cancer. After he died my friend never spoke to any of them again. That was years ago.

Despite "blood being thicker than water" as they say my friend has never forgiven her sister for this betrayal, and has cut her out of her Will.

Yes, to add to this example: My H had an affair with his secretary after the birth of my first child. It ended, and she switched to his brother. Before they married, she told him about the affair, and he told my husband that he knew. I did not learn of it until decades later. The brother and wife treat me like a pariah. Another sister now knows because I asked my H to tell her, since she's dying and put H and other SIL in charge of estate. Now, she doesn't talk to me any more either.

 

It's like this: There simply is no rational or just ending or resolution to such family betrayal. There will be sides and victims, blame and hatred if it goes public. That's my opinion as the incontestable victim in my particular family clusterf-ck. They can't see a victim, only an outsider. There is NO fixing it. Ever. And there's no changing who is family to whom. (I've chosen to stop the information bleed where it is to protect those who don't know and whom I love — my H's 97-year-old mother, my children, his other sisters.) As unfair and crazy as their actions and attitudes may be, there simply is no one that will be able to handle it appropriately. Someone simply has to be marginalized and isolated because everyone can't be together in the same place at the same time. Who decides who that will be? They will each have their reasons for whatever they do.

 

So, OP, there are tragic stories like this in history and literature — not a good place for you to identify. It's already too late, if you plan on being forthcoming with your husband (if you don't, you cannot expect to repair your marriage imo). Your brother and husband will have to deal with this forever unless they blame you. But it sounds like they haven't examined themselves that deeply and may not put as much meaning on the situation. It's possible you can all rug-sweep a little more and get out without such life-altering damage.

 

All YOU have to do is turn around to your husband and keep your focus there. THAT you can fix.

Edited March 6, 2015 by merrmeade

[Spectre]

Also I feel I should point out both your families being well known doesn't mean you have a "role" to play. I wish people would stop with that backwards 1950's nonsense.

[autumnnight]

Yeah, so after this response? Either you cut all contact with the brother or this marriage is over, period. This is nonsense. Utter garbage. Decent guys do not develop feelings for their brothers wives. You're now trying to justify this guy being slime..you realize how that looks, right? This is a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

 

Now that I have read ALL the posts this comment makes no sense - I mean the one I replaced with these 2 sentences.

Edited March 7, 2015 by autumnnight

[merrmeade]

Now that I have read ALL the posts this comment makes no sense - I mean the one I replaced with these 2 sentences.

No, actually, THIS comment makes no sense...

???????

[autumnnight]

No, actually, THIS comment makes no sense...

???????

 

Sorry. I was on page 3, and there was all this ranting about the husband brother being awful because he had a thing for his brother's wife. At that point all of the so called feelings that brother might have had were just speculation on the OP's part. Once I finished the thread I realized he had opened up and gone all emotional on her. So me chiding someone for assuming the guy was up to no good seemed out of place.

 

I'm still not sure the brother is anything but an emotional wreck, but he does seem to be leaning inappropriately on the OP.

 

In other words, I responded to a single post without finishing the thread.

[Ralph79]

I'm probably a bad reader so could someone help me with this question...

 

What has the brother LITERALLY done, that should be deemed highly inappropriate?

 

I've been reading this thread and I probably missed something.

[merrmeade]

That's the point. It has not YET moved into a PA, but it is, it so definitely and unequivocally IS an EA. And what I tried to convey in my first post is the danger of the family shroud of acceptability of friendship between in-laws.

 

She's given all the circumstances that have made it possible.

—compatibility, sympathy:

• so much alike in every way

• got along great

• more outgoing around everyone

— time together:

• hung out non stop

 

She's cloaked her high opinion of herself in her description of her marriage.

—husband:

• a safe choice

• thought that he would never get better than me so he knew he had to take me when he could

—marriage:

• point in our lives (completely different situations) where we could use each other for selfish reasons

 

They haven't "haven't crossed any physical lines at all" and he's the only one of her H's friends who "hasn't hit on [her] at all." That just shows restraint and is another favorable recommendation. More important, she describes his need to pull back when they do get close after spending time together or texting a lot. She feels it; he feels it. It's a matter of time.

[Seachan]

OP,

I've been with my handsome H for 30 years. He has 3 strikingly good-looking brothers. They're smart, athletic. Eye candy.

 

I have maintained careful boundaries around them. No lingering eye contact. No touch - except the brief hug hello and goodbye. No trying to be their best friend. I'm their sil - someone else' job to be their best friend.

 

My role is to foster a relationship with them for my H's sake and so my kids are connected with their uncles.

 

I cast them in a category as if they are my own flesh and blood brothers or sons. Do I lust after my own brother? No. Gross. Nor do I romantically long for my athletic, good-looking sons. Yech. Same type of relationship.

 

Man. I just don't get some people. No willpower. No ability to foresee consequences. If you want any type of marital harmony, you've got to reserve your sexual energy only for you spouse.