Arieswoman Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) jt849, There is only one person responsible for what goes on in your head and with your body, and that's you. Do you remember when you married your husband, all those vows you made about love, honour, respect, fidelity? Maybe have a think about those and get a grip on yourself. No-one said it was going to be easy, but hey, this was what you signed up for, remember? Being married doesn't stop you being attracted to others, or vice-versa but what you don't do is act on it. Perhaps you should have a talk with a councellor/Priest/Rabbi whatever before you get drawn into something silly and blow the whole lot out of the water? And stop texting him. Edited March 5, 2015 by Arieswoman
atreides Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 You mention all your H's friends have hit on you. I can only summise that you are giving off certain vibes, for ALL of his friends to have done this. This is a great point. 2
pheonixrisen Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I don't understand what exactly do you want to happen ...let suppose you go to bil and express your feelings..He could either deny ...and you look like a fool not to mention the awkwardness you will create between you guys Or He says yes I do have feelings for you too but I will not act on them ....are you expecting if he does have feelings for you both of you will leave your respective marriage and get together...and he is going to choose you his brothers wife over his brother and how does that go down on all side Or You share yyour feelings and he says he feels the same ..and possibly an affair ensues right under the family nose ...as he may not leave his wife and in few years it's out in open ....leaving all devastated he picks his loyal wife over the lying , cheating brothers wife ...you get thrown under the bus ...everyone blames you.....your h is humiliated and hurt beyond repair ... What exactly you are expecting happens .. I say take your self to therapy and get yourself in the right head space tell your h about your feelings and cut your contact with his brother ..
pheonixrisen Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 This is a great point. I agree you are giving an open vibe to them to be touched by h friends in an inappropriate manner...and probably giving off the same vibe to bil ..
Author jt849 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 It's quite early here but wanted to give you all a quick update. I have read all of the comments. I really do appreciate them all. Hearing all of your opinions, some of them don't really go along with what's going on or were hurtful, it just put me back it reality. When these certain situations happen, which it did a couple of days ago, I get caught up with what is going on. I am happy that I came on here because before when something would happen, I would wonder then a couple of days later just blow it off. Now I have actually tried to process what is going on and to be honest it's kind of making me feel bad about it and almost disgusted with it. I really don't want to hurt my family or ruin a good friendship. We are having T and his wife over for dinner tonight (preplanned). I will let you know how it goes.
jackslife Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 You don't need to be told that shagging your BIL is a really bad idea. Telling your H is also daft, why create all those problems over a non issue? However, maybe you need to consider why you are lusting after him? How happy/content are you in your marriage? Affairs often happen because of unhappiness in a marriage. Instead of thinking about BIL, maybe you need to think about your marriage and why you are having these wondering thoughts. Maybe find a counsellor to talk things through with. It may just be a blip, but you may have issues in your marriage that you need to address.
stillafool Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Edit- #2- I agree that he has good boundaries and knows when to use them. I know that he likes this attention that I give him, laughing at all of his jokes and messing around with me. I know that he knows what turns me on (not talking sexually) and connect with me emotionally based off of conversations and situations in the past with H present. . If you know he likes the attention you give him then STOP! Also stop texting him unless it is an emergency. Sorry but you need to pull back on everything you are doing to get your BILs attention. I too think you should tell your husband about this crush. If you think this is serious enough to come to a forum you need to talk to your husband. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Now I have actually tried to process what is going on and to be honest it's kind of making me feel bad about it and almost disgusted with it. I really don't want to hurt my family or ruin a good friendship That's good. And now you know you need to put less focus on your brother in law and more focus on your husband. When you have them over, talk more to your SIL and don't make googly eyes with your BIL. Something is missing inside of you, a need isn't being met by your H and allowing yourself to become too close to your BIL or allowing your H's friends to hit on you is only going to make you feel emotionally detached from your H.
1040 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) I remember telling hubby a couple of years ago that T is the only person out of his friends that hasn't hit on me. I can't think of one of his friends that hasn't touched me inappropriately or made remarks along the lines of I wish you were my wife. I know that he likes this attention that I give him, laughing at all of his jokes and messing around with me. I know that he knows what turns me on (not talking sexually) and connect with me emotionally based off of conversations and situations in the past with H present. These are quite bad. You must be doing something like flirting all the time, so you should examine that side of yourself. You sound like an attention-seeker, and eventually something bad is going to happen. You have even thrown this in your husband's face ("Oh, look at all these guys hitting on me, ha ha ha"). You think he likes hearing that? I bet your husband has been bothered by this for a long time and is repressing his feelings. You have real boundary problems. You should sit down with your husband and apologize for attracting all this male attention, that you realize you like it but have been inappropriate, and that you are going to dial it back. Edited March 5, 2015 by 1040
stillafool Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 You mention all your H's friends have hit on you. I can only summise that you are giving off certain vibes, for ALL of his friends to have done this. OP, if the above is true these men have no respect for you. You have to look at yourself and examine why. Lots of married women are attractive, some even beautiful but men who know they are married don't go out of their way to disrespect a married woman unless they think she wants it. 2
Spectre Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I wouldn't agree with this. I am starting to see things a little differently after reading some responses. But I don't agree with if he did have feelings that doesn't make him a bad person or brother. Yeah, so after this response? Either you cut all contact with the brother or this marriage is over, period. This is nonsense. Utter garbage. Decent guys do not develop feelings for their brothers wives. You're now trying to justify this guy being slime..you realize how that looks, right? This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
aliveagain Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 If a man treats you differently when your husband isn't there to protect you it is than up to you to protect your husband. You do that by shutting the behavior down immediately. Some men will tack advantage of you if they they think that boundaries aren't that important to you. You need to correct them immediately because they take their lead from you. 2
Ralph79 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Yeah, so after this response? Either you cut all contact with the brother or this marriage is over, period. This is nonsense. Utter garbage. Decent guys do not develop feelings for their brothers wives. You're now trying to justify this guy being slime..you realize how that looks, right? This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Just verifying, the brother hasn't confessed feelings for her right? It's all assumptions on the OP's part isn't it? And didn't she type that she doesn't agree with this statement? "if he did have feelings that doesn't make him a bad person or brother."
Author jt849 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 Sorry everyone, I am trying to keep up. About our marriage, I said we have a non traditional dynamic. Both of our families are well known in our community so we have a role to play. I know most people won't understand this. I still love him but like I said I don't think he is my soul mate. We work well together, we are open with each other. This is the only thing that I haven't told him, which I am sure he knows. Also, I think attraction is more of the appropriate word to use, not feelings or crush. Sorry if I haven't answered some questions directly. Some responses have been unnecessary.
stillafool Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 What does "non traditional dynamic" mean in your marriage? What does your husband not being your soul mate have to do with your crush, oh, attraction for your BIL? Yes I said crush because that is what you have for him. Be very sure that if you are giving your BIL vibes of wanting him he is losing respect for you as a person. No good man wants his brothers wife putting him in a position to hurt his brother. If you are not attracted to your husband and want your soul mate have you thought about divorce to find him?
Author jt849 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 What does "non traditional dynamic" mean in your marriage? What does your husband not being your soul mate have to do with your crush, oh, attraction for your BIL? Yes I said crush because that is what you have for him. Be very sure that if you are giving your BIL vibes of wanting him he is losing respect for you as a person. No good man wants his brothers wife putting him in a position to hurt his brother. There were some responses about our marriage. I very much agree with you, I wouldn't want him not to respect me as a person or hurt his brother.
Furious Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Something that came into my thoughts after reading through all the responses- I remember telling hubby a couple of years ago that T is the only person out of his friends that hasn't hit on me. I can't think of one of his friends that hasn't touched me inappropriately or made remarks along the lines of I wish you were my wife. I told H about every single one of them after they happened. This has helped me trust T even more. I do feel like I don't have the best boundaries or maybe hard to stand up for them, since T does have much better boundaries I guess I have trusted those a lot more. It might take me a few days but maybe I will come to terms that the best solution is to be open with H about it. Maybe this is the key to why you seem obsessed with your BIL, he's the only one who has been able to resist you. I get the impression you like attention, and believe you're outgoing and not really flirting. I don't buy that you are unaware that you enjoy being admired. It also seems that you've given your husband a false sense of security by being open about all the men who make advances at you and how it's not something you invite. It's apparent that you are bored and seek drama. Is your ego worth destroying two brothers?
HereNorThere Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I can't think of one of his friends that hasn't touched me inappropriately or made remarks along the lines of I wish you were my wife. Why is this- you say you are shy but I am wondering about your boundaries and the vibe you give off- I am unsure of your age, but I recall when we were newly married in our 20's there was a wife in our circle that swore every husband hit on her- I didn't really notice until she mentioned it to me one day, so I watched her a bit after that- it was her that seemed to flirt with all the husbands-some responded, some didn't- I asked my husband about it and he said, well, she's one of "those" types that needs lots of attention of others- Anyway- back to the brother- my best guess is he sees you as a sister (in law) and a close family members and loves you in that way- One of "those" types is actually referred to as histrionic in psychology. Not saying it applies to OP because she really hasn't given us enough information to assume that, but I thought it was relevant to the topic given that a number of posters picked up on this as well. Histrionic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 1
TexasMan68 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 So something like a "House of Cards" relationship?
Author jt849 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 One of "those" types is actually referred to as histrionic in psychology. Not saying it applies to OP because she really hasn't given us enough information to assume that, but I thought it was relevant to the topic given that a number of posters picked up on this as well. Histrionic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I read the definition. I agree that I do like the attention he gives me. But I am opposite of dramatic and from the sounds of what it is I picture someone not classy. I would consider myself to be classy, I don't were provocative clothing or make sexual jokes. I am quite shy about that.
Author jt849 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 So something like a "House of Cards" relationship? I don't know what that is.
1040 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I agree that I do like the attention he gives me. Well, now you are getting somewhere. Keep thinking and self-evaluating. WHY do you need all this external validation from men other than your husband, especially ones this close to you? Why have all of the men in your social circle hit on you? I have never heard of such a thing, frankly. I really don't think you understand the fire you are playing with. I think you are half a bottle of wine away from doing something very bad. 5
stillafool Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I agree that I do like the attention he gives me. But I am opposite of dramatic and from the sounds of what it is I picture someone not classy. I would consider myself to be classy, I don't were provocative clothing or make sexual jokes. I am quite shy about that. Does your husband not show you enough attention? BTW married women who via for other mens attention are not classy regardless of how they dress. 2
harrybrown Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Think how you would feel if your H had an A with your sister. Would that hurt you? It would be good to get some counseling from a professional counselor. This could destroy your H, if you had an A with his brother. It would be good to limit contact with the brother and if you really want some help, tell your H about your feelings. good luck to you and your family.
Author jt849 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 UPDATE- They got here just after lunch time. We had a business meeting before dinner and I was really trying not to make anything obvious but I could tell they all sensed something. I almost made no contact with T at all and I was short with talking to him. I still tried to be as normal as possible. After the meeting I went to go pick up something at the market, T insisted on joining. Almost right after we left he asked what was going on. I denied that it had anything to do with him personally and I was just not feeling well. He wasn’t pleased with that answer and asked why I was being “nice” to his wife and H and not him. Okay so after going back and forth he just breaks down. Most of what he said was a blur, he said so much all at once. He told me that his wife cheated on him on 3 occasions that he knows of and that for the past few years they have only stayed in the marriage for our families/community. He said that he has leaned on me for comfort- even though we had no idea about these problems- over the years and it has helped him move on. I was in shock at that point. All that I told him was that we shouldn’t talk and he shouldn’t try to find comfort from me and to only talk to his brother from now on about personal things. I ended dinner very early and said I wasn’t feeling well. I have no idea what to think, I wasn’t expecting that at all and almost feel like I shouldn’t have come on here and “spoken” this into existence and it is my fault.We have a luncheon tomorrow and a charity event this weekend. I feel like I have to put everything that happened aside until we get a break.
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