preraph Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I definitely agree, but the majority of the time I always hear it's the women that want to stay in touch with their exes. I rarely hear of a guy wanting to stay in touch with an ex at least compared to women. Almost every time I see a thread of a guy mentioning that their g/f still talks to an ex, the relationship usually always turns out bad. Due to insecurities on the guys part, or finding out the woman is texting the ex behind their back due to said insecurities, or they still have feelings for the ex & wind up sleeping with them. I just personally feel an ex is an ex for a reason, and shouldn't be a part of someones life anymore unless there's kids involved or some important reason to still be in touch with them. Well, for every woman who's staying in touch with her ex, her ex is also staying in touch for her, so your math is off. It takes two to stay in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Well, for every woman who's staying in touch with her ex, her ex is also staying in touch for her, so your math is off. It takes two to stay in touch. Of course, if you put it that way. But the guy that she's with who isn't in touch with his ex & doesn't believe in that is the one that usually gets screwed over. Would you say the ex b/f still has feelings for her or are they mainly just after sex? Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think it might be different for those who have been single for a considerable period of time... When I was married, I didn't stay friends with any exes. Mostly because those exes were exes precisely because there was a betrayal, or there were huge differences in values and so on. As you get older, I really believe you learn not to throw the baby out with the bathwater in a lot of life situations. The men I am still friends with are those where we mutually agreed that we could not build a life together. Anyone who knows me for any length of time realizes pretty quick that I'm an all or nothing woman. I've never had a FWB or a f*ckbuddy and can't imagine I ever would. I do understand the idea of boundaries and respect. Anyone I'm serious about will have full disclosure, will meet all of my friends, and they get first dibs on my time. That much is obvious. My male friends understand and give me all the respect I/we need. The way I look at it... it is no different than if I had a friendship with a lesbian. Hey, she likes women. Does that mean she is necessarily attracted to me? No. does that mean I'm attracted to her? Heck no! The world is full of temptations. Learning how to navigate them, discuss them with your partner... that's one of the challenges of having an honest relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) For some guys, I suppose its got a lot to do with insecurity...but... Just out of curiosity, for the women that claim they keep exes as friends...What do you do with those guys? Go fishing or hunting? Work on a race car?.. Lend a hand with a home project??..Watch the football game? Go to the local pub and grab a few beers with his other buddies?? Hit the gym? Or do they call you and talk about/complain about their wives/gf's?? Im just wondering? Understand I have absolutely no issue with it, just curious... TFY Edited March 5, 2015 by thefooloftheyear 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) For some guys, I suppose its got a lot to do with insecurity...but... Just out of curiosity, for the women that claim they keep exes as friends...What do you do with those guys? Go fishing or hunting? Work on a race car?.. Lend a hand with a home project??..Watch the football game? Go to the local pub and grab a few beers with his other buddies?? Hit the gym? Or do they call you and talk about/complain about their wives/gf's?? Im just wondering? Understand I have absolutely no issue with it, just curious... TFY We share a mutual love of animals... he enjoyed watching my dog when I was out of town... I watched his critters. We share similar values in some ways. It is very much like any other friendship. After you get past the desire for physical intimacy. In that respect, it became less about 'them' and more about finding someone we could each be physically intimate with that we felt confident building a life with. Both of us were serious about not wasting our time with someone we knew weren't right for a life partner. I don't understand people who can be FWB with a former BF/GF. It would be those people I wouldn't trust to actually be friends. With me, it's one way or the other. I've never done anything in between. Edited: Yes, I do get relationship advice from my guy friends and the one very good friend of mine who is an ex. If I thought for a minute they didn't want the best for me, and vice versa, we wouldn't be friends anymore. Edited March 5, 2015 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
Pinkdisney Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 [quote=Quiet Storm;619281 I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but I think some of those that push so hard for the "friends with ex" relationships have excessive needs for attention and validation. They still like being cared for and thought about by their ex, even in a platonic way. They don't want to give that up. They often say things like "I don't know how long my relationship will last, and he'll still be there when BF's gone". They need a constant, reliable source of emotional support and don't want to burn their bridges. Their need for someone to "be there no matter what" is greater than their consideration for their current BF's feelings. It's nice to have friends for support, but there should be plenty of other options for emotional support besides your ex. If you need your ex's listening ear that bad, then you should either get back with your ex or hire a therapist to listen. I think a lot of great relationships that had serious long term potential have ended because of this very issue. Gosh you hit the nail on the head with this post! My BF of almost 3 yrs has a "won't go away ex" and I have finally put my foot down after she sent a text to BF on NYE at midnight! When we first started dating he told me the ex wanted to be his "best friend" and was friends with her EX's however she is needy and wants my BF to be there when she needs help. I said no way and enough is enough. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Of course, if you put it that way. But the guy that she's with who isn't in touch with his ex & doesn't believe in that is the one that usually gets screwed over. Would you say the ex b/f still has feelings for her or are they mainly just after sex? I guess it varies on what each of their motives are. But if they are friends over a long period, probably they're just friends who care about each other. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) For some guys, I suppose its got a lot to do with insecurity...but... Just out of curiosity, for the women that claim they keep exes as friends...What do you do with those guys? Go fishing or hunting? Work on a race car?.. Lend a hand with a home project??..Watch the football game? Go to the local pub and grab a few beers with his other buddies?? Hit the gym? Or do they call you and talk about/complain about their wives/gf's?? Im just wondering? Understand I have absolutely no issue with it, just curious... TFY After many years, mostly just keep in touch and see them once in a blue moon. Not hanging out regularly in my case. But then we're old, so....not like we're bar age and going out every night anymore. There are certain people in your live that you may not have around all the time but they were important enough that you know if you ever really got in trouble and needed them, they'd try to help. One of mine checked in with me recently after a snowstorm just making sure I was okay through it. Edited March 5, 2015 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Gosh you hit the nail on the head with this post! My BF of almost 3 yrs has a "won't go away ex" and I have finally put my foot down after she sent a text to BF on NYE at midnight! When we first started dating he told me the ex wanted to be his "best friend" and was friends with her EX's however she is needy and wants my BF to be there when she needs help. I said no way and enough is enough. I completely understand about having to run off exes who just never give up trying to ruin your relationships because they won't take no for an answer. And that does happen. But chances are, these exes do not fall into that category of someone you want to remain friends with because you can't trust them and you don't want to be with them anymore, and you know they do, and few people are comfortable with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
runredlights Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Why do I always constantly hear that women like being friends with their ex? Most guys aren't okay with that at all, so what's the reason for it? And it seems a huge percentage of cheating is with exes as well. There is no reason to be friends with an ex especially if she is with another man. It could be that she is using you for an ego boost on the side. It can be hard to let go though if the two of you had been attached to each other from the past. If she's with another guy however, I would run far and fast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 We share a mutual love of animals... he enjoyed watching my dog when I was out of town... I watched his critters. We share similar values in some ways. It is very much like any other friendship. After you get past the desire for physical intimacy. In that respect, it became less about 'them' and more about finding someone we could each be physically intimate with that we felt confident building a life with. Both of us were serious about not wasting our time with someone we knew weren't right for a life partner. I don't understand people who can be FWB with a former BF/GF. It would be those people I wouldn't trust to actually be friends. With me, it's one way or the other. I've never done anything in between. Edited: Yes, I do get relationship advice from my guy friends and the one very good friend of mine who is an ex. If I thought for a minute they didn't want the best for me, and vice versa, we wouldn't be friends anymore. Id imagine someone like yourself would be the type that could successfully keep/cultivate that type of friendship...Maybe you dont count... I still say it would wrankle the shyt out of most of the guys current gf's/wives if they are continuing some contact with exes on any level...Most women cant handle that, IME...(I guess a a lot of guys cant either)..And I think its probably best for the guy to politely bow out, in respect for his current flame...rather than wait for her to tell him to do it... A close friend of mine has an ex he continues a "friendship" with...I quoted it, because its a totally one sided deal..Her car breaks down??, she calls him..Didnt have enough money for Christmas? ...Calls him...She never calls him, unless she needs something..I would never submit to that..Id gladly even help a stranger, but I dont want to be some womans unpaid handyman, moving company, or banker.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) Why do I always constantly hear that women like being friends with their ex? Most guys aren't okay with that at all, so what's the reason for it? And it seems a huge percentage of cheating is with exes as well. I don't know if "so many women" want to do this.... Some men and women seem to want to do this, but from where I'm sitting it's not an epidemic thing where most women are scrambling for friendship with their ex. I think it's one thing if you are friendly with an ex, especially if the ex was an old ex from years ago and not recent, but being besties with them especially if they were your recent ex is a whole other kettle of fish. My boyfriend before my last had a child with his ex and they were still friendly, they were not friends in the sense of hanging out and so on, but they co-parented and spoke in a friendly manner and it was fine by me. He was also friends with an ex from high school...I didn't at all feel threatened by it, as high school was years ago and it was clear it was platonic and I also met her, hung out with her, she also had a husband lol, so there was nothing to be wary of. So it all depends on how the person goes about it, how far removed it is, whether the friendship is transparent and you're included in hang outs and such or it's a one on one private affair. As for me, I'm friendly with two exes and by friendly I mean we might comment on each other's Facebook or Instagram, if I saw them out I would be able to say hey and chat for a minute, but that's it. They are far removed and not recent either. But otherwise, I'm not actual friends where my exes and I hang out, text or call each other or where they come up as a significant topic of conversation in a new relationship. Edited March 5, 2015 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Of course, if you put it that way. But the guy that she's with who isn't in touch with his ex & doesn't believe in that is the one that usually gets screwed over. Would you say the ex b/f still has feelings for her or are they mainly just after sex? or the girl that he's with. I think it's just individual. IME it was always my exes (men) who wanted to stay "friends", regardless of who did the breaking up. I'm cordial with most of them, except my cheating exH, but it's not like we talk or anything. It's hard enough staying in contact with my actual friends. In at least once case I think it was because that ex was just plain lonely. Even though he had another girlfriend pretty quickly. He was kind of a collector type too. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think it's that "hip"thing that people do and say it makes them all enlightened and magnanimous. Like Gwenyth Paltrow and her "conscious uncoupling." Bottom line, if you were in love with and in bed with someone, then it just isn't kosher to be best buds after the breakup, especially if you are with someone else. But it IS a good litmus test. If I am with a man who says he loves me, and he values his "right" to be best buds with the woman he previously shared a bed with for 3 years more than me, that tells me all I need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Because exes make the best FWBs. That's according to my own ex, who isn't much of a friend. His ex had been lurking for ages and he went straight to her as soon as we broke up for NSA sex. I have kept in touch with my high school sweetheart from when we were in primary school because his parents are family friends. I also stay in touch with my first ever BF because we have a lot of special memories from our travels together but we broke up over 15 years ago and there's nothing there, apart from a fond friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
runredlights Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I don't know if "so many women" want to do this.... Some men and women seem to want to do this, but from where I'm sitting it's not an epidemic thing where most women are scrambling for friendship with their ex. I think it's one thing if you are friendly with an ex, especially if the ex was an old ex from years ago and not recent, but being besties with them especially if they were your recent ex is a whole other kettle of fish. My boyfriend before my last had a child with his ex and they were still friendly, they were not friends in the sense of hanging out and so on, but they co-parented and spoke in a friendly manner and it was fine by me. He was also friends with an ex from high school...I didn't at all feel threatened by it, as high school was years ago and it was clear it was platonic and I also met her, hung out with her, she also had a husband lol, so there was nothing to be wary of. So it all depends on how the person goes about it, how far removed it is, whether the friendship is transparent and you're included in hang outs and such or it's a one on one private affair. As for me, I'm friendly with two exes and by friendly I mean we might comment on each other's Facebook or Instagram, if I saw them out I would be able to say hey and chat for a minute, but that's it. They are far removed and not recent either. But otherwise, I'm not actual friends where my exes and I hang out, text or call each other or where they come up as a significant topic of conversation in a new relationship. It really is so nice when it can actually be civil like that as it is in your situation. If the two of you are comfortable enough with yourselves and each other to actually do that then great! However, when it's fresh you should stay far away from them so you don't know what they're up to and so you can ultimately get over them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lionclub2001 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Why do I always constantly hear that women like being friends with their ex? Most guys aren't okay with that at all, so what's the reason for it? And it seems a huge percentage of cheating is with exes as well. Because they want the ex boyfriend to be the girlfriend that they can talk to about their new boyfriend. They may also want the ego strokes. Here's what I do. If ex girlfriends of mine offer friendship I just verbally agree and then go no contact. I disappear and don't return their calls or texts. Simple. At this point it is none of her business why I don't want to be friends. I think it is rather insulting that an ex would offer a demotion like friendship. That's like my boss saying we won't fire you but we will keep you here on a demotion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
runredlights Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Because they want the ex boyfriend to be the girlfriend that they can talk to about their new boyfriend. They may also want the ego strokes. Here's what I do. If ex girlfriends of mine offer friendship I just verbally agree and then go no contact. I disappear and don't return their calls or texts. Simple. At this point it is none of her business why I don't want to be friends. I think it is rather insulting that an ex would offer a demotion like friendship. That's like my boss saying we won't fire you but we will keep you here on a demotion. I see what you're saying, but with the dude above I responded to that isn't the case. You don't have to be an emotional tampon for an ex. It's easy to revert to that thought though I get it. That isn't what I'm saying. If a guy and his ex have been broken up for enough time even though they experienced a very close bond at one point there's no reason they can't be friends assuming both parties new significant others don't have a problem wih it IMO. You can still be out seeing other women/be involved with other women and still maintain a special friendship from an old ex. If you were that close then that wouldn't be an obstacle I think. Unless there's jealousy or feelings still had, which is only natural to have immediatet after a BU. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Honestly, probably unresolved feelings, nostalgia. Out of all my ex's I had one who I remained "friends" with long after we had broken up. Turns out our conversations would get pretty sexual in nature and it was clear that if we were in the same room we'd probably hook up. Not really be together again, as that ship had long sailed. I don't have any ex's in my life anymore that are friends of mine. I had two casual acquaintances and once their current girlfriends found out I was a "girl of their past" they made them cut their friendships with me off. I know there is a good number of people who are able to be "strictly platonic" but more often than not it's going to cause insecurity with a new girlfriend. My ex had made it a point to tell me that he wanted to "remain friends" with his ex and I was fine with it. I was fine with it because I had ex's who I was "friends" with. Turns out my ex went and cheated on me with her, and that was really the only reason he wanted to "remain friends." He didn't know if he wanted her gone from his life for good, and basically kept her on the back burner for a while. I think the only way you're going to be "strictly platonic friends" with an ex is if: 1. Relationship didn't end on a bad note & you genuinely care for that person 2. You've had significant time of NC 3. You've both moved on to new, healthy relationships Even now I'm a bit skeptical about it after being cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I'm friends with a few Xs; but mostly in a we don't go out of our way to catch up, but will if we run into one another kind of way. But my xH and I do keep in very regular contact. We spent 20 years together and share a wonderful daughter. I consider him family and care for him deeply. We still spend every Christmas together with our daughter. I would do anything for him... Except enter a romantic relationship with him. There is zip attraction. And he feels the same. We've been there, done that and know we're just not compatible in that way. IMO marriages break up, families don't. Link to post Share on other sites
CripplingMe Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 In my opinion, friendships with an ex are only doable if neither party still has attraction for the other. It's difficult to stay friends with a 'good looking' ex, unless you lose that visual attraction for them. Case in question - I was with my previous ex for 9 years. Good looking guy, but introverted and shy in the bedroom. Owing to this inhibited personality (don't get me wrong he was great fun but wasn't into sex that much), I ended up not finding him attractive anymore - he became like a brother to me. We didn't have sex for the last two years of the rship, so, friendship with him was possible especially because we ended on amicable terms. I would have still been friends with him now but his girlfriend wasnt happy we kept in touch. So we had to respectfully cut contact. My current boyfriend is a sucker for ego boosts, and when I met him, by God did he still in contact with his ex's. Literally every woman he dated, he was able to keep contact. Why? He's a very good looking charmer who loves sex. So if we split up, I wouldmt want to stay friends because firstly, I will NOT be one of those ones to ego stroke, and two, he hasnt been the best boyfriend (worst actually). I only stay friends with those who A. I don't fancy, B. treated me with respect during the relationship and C, ended amicably. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Honestly, no idea. Maybe they think that cutting ties would look like they hold a grudge and through that still care to outsiders. Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I don't understand why this is framed as an issue more so with women. Aren't the women in question staying friends with...well, male exes? Link to post Share on other sites
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