What can I do to improve my game?

[GravityMan]

Regarding the "how to not be boring" part, it would help a lot if you work on:

 

- Getting an interesting life of your own, AND valuing that (meaning, don't suddenly kick your activities and your friends into the backseat when you meet an attractive woman). Learn to respect yourself. That should help you "play it cool". Do activities that seem interesting to you...martial arts, yoga, scuba diving, hip-hop dancing, whatever. Have fun with it! I think your attitude about the activity matters more than the activity itself. Try something new every now and then. If you've got the means, travel somewhere interesting in or out of the country, and while on the trip do some things that AREN'T on the normal "tourist to-do" list...think outside the box a bit. This can lead to cool and funny stories to share. If you're creative and/or good at improvising, use that to your advantage.

 

- Expand your social circle, ideally with a reasonably diverse set of male and female friends. The right group of people will naturally draw you out of your shell and allow you to openly be yourself. Your sense of humor will naturally surface (meaning, it was always there, just suppressed). With enough time, you will become more self-confident in just being yourself and that will help you greatly in attracting women. Another thing...for most people, their best/funniest experiences occurred when they were with friends, family or SO...not alone.

 

- Learn the nuances of socializing with someone you're interested in. 70% of all interpersonal communication is nonverbal and indirectly verbal, so it is vital to get a decent grasp of conversational subtleties. Flirting has a lot of subtle innuendo. Be willing to tease her every now and then (in an unoffensive way, of course)...humor in general is essential. And like others said, don't be too open too quickly (retain a bit of mystery)...but DON'T be withdrawn, either. The key is to be engaging and reveal a few interesting things about yourself upfront...while still selectively keeping some things close to your chest...to be unveiled at the right time. Similar to a well-crafted preview for an upcoming movie. Speaking of timing...yep, that's essential too. Effectively using "surprise" and "discovery" can go a long way to keeping you an intriguing person. Intrigue is attractive to a lot of women.

 

BTW, the nuances of socializing will come naturally to a socially adept person with decent life experience. Elements of it will come into play in various ways in all sorts of situations...be it a date, a work colleague, a stranger at the bar. Therefore things like subtlety and intrigue are not the same thing as playing immature games.

 

*******************

 

That said, I think your main problem is a lack of self-confidence. It's often quickly apparent to someone across the room when a person is confident. Even a 10-year old kid can rapidly sense a person's confidence (even if said kid doesn't know what "confidence" is). It's reflected in everything he does...his posture, walk, how he sits, his eye contact, how he talks, his ability to take the lead and to let someone else hold the reins, and on and on. Also, there is a naturalness, an humbleness and an elegance to his entire demeanor...which helps him seem genuine instead of arrogant or a try-hard. He looks like he owns the room while simultaneously looking like just another one of the boys. Simultaneously standing out and fitting in.

 

You just need to relax and socialize with all sorts of people just for the sake of it. Stop worrying so much about "how do I calibrate" or "how do I talk to older women". Get a "just do it" mindset. Assuming you've learned basic social skills during your upbringing, that alone should help you avoid many faux pas while interacting with women. And even if you do mess up, just roll with it and move on. Learning how some things work should be part of the fun.

[catchthedrift]

At least you are not jaded and showing traits of mysoginy, like other men I have met that seemingly can't get 'game'. But it seems that most men that have troubles getting with women are overthinking it...

I have a friend who is a 19 year old virgin even though it's his second year in college and he is super intelligent, engaging, charming, social, good looking and friends with all sorts of pretty girls.

I think his lack of game is to be traced back to the fact that he himself has high standards. And I am not talking about wanting a blonde, 6 foot tall model girlfriend, no, but he realizes often that, even though he can't wait to get it over with (losing his virginity-wise), he would much rather just meet someone who he really clicks with and then stick to that. But he hasn't met that girl yet so he keeps concentrating on other things like school to not get lost while trying to play 'the game'.

I think you need to stop pushing for it. Be a bit more cool and relaxed, laid back. Try to focus on other things. often when you least expect it, good things happen.

[cbplayer]

Regarding the "how to not be boring" part, it would help a lot if you work on:

 

- Getting an interesting life of your own, AND valuing that (meaning, don't suddenly kick your activities and your friends into the backseat when you meet an attractive woman). Learn to respect yourself. That should help you "play it cool". Do activities that seem interesting to you...martial arts, yoga, scuba diving, hip-hop dancing, whatever. Have fun with it! I think your attitude about the activity matters more than the activity itself. Try something new every now and then. If you've got the means, travel somewhere interesting in or out of the country, and while on the trip do some things that AREN'T on the normal "tourist to-do" list...think outside the box a bit. This can lead to cool and funny stories to share. If you're creative and/or good at improvising, use that to your advantage.

 

- Expand your social circle, ideally with a reasonably diverse set of male and female friends. The right group of people will naturally draw you out of your shell and allow you to openly be yourself. Your sense of humor will naturally surface (meaning, it was always there, just suppressed). With enough time, you will become more self-confident in just being yourself and that will help you greatly in attracting women. Another thing...for most people, their best/funniest experiences occurred when they were with friends, family or SO...not alone.

 

- Learn the nuances of socializing with someone you're interested in. 70% of all interpersonal communication is nonverbal and indirectly verbal, so it is vital to get a decent grasp of conversational subtleties. Flirting has a lot of subtle innuendo. Be willing to tease her every now and then (in an unoffensive way, of course)...humor in general is essential. And like others said, don't be too open too quickly (retain a bit of mystery)...but DON'T be withdrawn, either. The key is to be engaging and reveal a few interesting things about yourself upfront...while still selectively keeping some things close to your chest...to be unveiled at the right time. Similar to a well-crafted preview for an upcoming movie. Speaking of timing...yep, that's essential too. Effectively using "surprise" and "discovery" can go a long way to keeping you an intriguing person. Intrigue is attractive to a lot of women.

 

BTW, the nuances of socializing will come naturally to a socially adept person with decent life experience. Elements of it will come into play in various ways in all sorts of situations...be it a date, a work colleague, a stranger at the bar. Therefore things like subtlety and intrigue are not the same thing as playing immature games.

 

*******************

 

That said, I think your main problem is a lack of self-confidence. It's often quickly apparent to someone across the room when a person is confident. Even a 10-year old kid can rapidly sense a person's confidence (even if said kid doesn't know what "confidence" is). It's reflected in everything he does...his posture, walk, how he sits, his eye contact, how he talks, his ability to take the lead and to let someone else hold the reins, and on and on. Also, there is a naturalness, an humbleness and an elegance to his entire demeanor...which helps him seem genuine instead of arrogant or a try-hard. He looks like he owns the room while simultaneously looking like just another one of the boys. Simultaneously standing out and fitting in.

 

You just need to relax and socialize with all sorts of people just for the sake of it. Stop worrying so much about "how do I calibrate" or "how do I talk to older women". Get a "just do it" mindset. Assuming you've learned basic social skills during your upbringing, that alone should help you avoid many faux pas while interacting with women. And even if you do mess up, just roll with it and move on. Learning how some things work should be part of the fun.

 

Thank you for your advice. What gave you the impression that I lack self confidence? I'm not disagreeing with you but I'm just wondering what led you to that conclusion.

[cbplayer]

I'm afraid that the fact that I'm a 21 year old virgin will significantly stymie my success with dating women. Is that

true?

[EgoJoe]

Your fear is manifesting as insecurity. Remember that she's just as inexperienced, insecure and imperfect as you are.

 

http://Www.girlschase.com is a good site for topical advice not for a world view though. Read about psychology, emotions and the ego. Watch the movie revolver.

 

I also recommend, "How to win friends and influence people." The Dale Carnegie program is amazing.