Author blackbird14 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 whats the point in trying to convince her? You obviously have such low self worth you clearly dont understand that despite the fact that he may be telling the truth, he already crossed so many relationship boundaries you should have kicked him out the minute he took another woman to his apartment without you accompanying him or letting you know. Youre going to stay with him, from the sound of it, but eventually, youll come to realize that you dont deserve to be treated like an afterthought. Stop thinking you dont have options. Youre a woman, you have plenty of options, and none of them have to be to stick around in a disrespectful situation out of a fear of loneliness. Ok i understand what you mean with the low self worth and everything, but he actually came to me himself the next day and told me what he did. I believe that this takes quite a lot of courage and that he actually feels really bad about it. He doesn't cry for anything, a tear came down his face when he cried for the death of a relative. But this time he was crying like a baby, something that I'm sure hasn't happened for at least a decade. I don't know if i am going to stay with him or not. I am trying to think if he deserves it at all. I am not the type of person to throw away a relationship quickly. I know that other than what happened that night that he is a good guy, he has put up with a lot of my worries that have stemmed from nothing. Im not saying that it is my fault that he did this, but maybe I was putting too much pressure on him during periods of our relationship. He has always made me happy, he has always listened to things that I have been paranoid about (bad past relationship experiences), he's always just been there for me in general. I love this person very much and I know he does too and everyone around us knows that he does. I just don't know if a second chance is something worth giving in this situation. I am fully aware that he has crossed relationship boundaries Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 You're making excuses for a cheater. Cheaters have two lines of defense: DENY what they did -- and I believe he's not telling you nearly how far he went with that girl -- and to BLAME YOU for what they did, which he's clearly attempting to do. It's a no win situation for you. You're going to be wracked with self-doubt and try to defend him to everyone.... but just by staying with a cheater, you've already lost. He knows how little you'll settle for now.... and more importantly, so do you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackbird14 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 You're making excuses for a cheater. Cheaters have two lines of defense: DENY what they did -- and I believe he's not telling you nearly how far he went with that girl -- and to BLAME YOU for what they did, which he's clearly attempting to do. It's a no win situation for you. You're going to be wracked with self-doubt and try to defend him to everyone.... but just by staying with a cheater, you've already lost. He knows how little you'll settle for now.... and more importantly, so do you. I completely understand what you're saying. I did ask the other girl if it was more than a kiss and she said no it wasn't. She told me all she could do is apologize for what had happened. He's taken responsibility for his actions, he acknowledges that he knows that this is not okay and that he is ready to do whatever it takes to make up for it. He only stated that what he did was out of anger on his part of how he is feeling about our relationship and when he realized what he was doing wasn't okay he left. I know I may seem really dumb for trying to defend him, but I guess I just feel so sad that it's going to be over. We live together now because of certain circumstances that have made me leave my previous flat and we never intended on still living together. I told him I would move out once I came back from a holiday and I never ended up leaving. Today I am putting down a deposit for a new flat and probably going to stay there tonight (our university city is very small). Hopefully this will allow me some time to understand what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackbird14 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 You're making excuses for a cheater. Cheaters have two lines of defense: DENY what they did -- and I believe he's not telling you nearly how far he went with that girl -- and to BLAME YOU for what they did, which he's clearly attempting to do. It's a no win situation for you. You're going to be wracked with self-doubt and try to defend him to everyone.... but just by staying with a cheater, you've already lost. He knows how little you'll settle for now.... and more importantly, so do you. Also, if he wanted to deny what he did, why would he tell me about it in the first place and just hide it? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 . He was very angry with me when we were out that I caused a scene and got mad at him, he blames a lot of what happened on this bc it isn't the first time I have said something and this apparently "bothers" him so much and he's warned me that something bad could happen if this happened again. . Re-read the above again, then see how that squares with what he's saying now that it was unintended & that he didn't go into this girl's apt with the intent of kissing her. 1. He was admittedly mad at you 2. He told you that "something bad could happen". Translation: when he left with the other girl he wanted to punish you & to make you as mad as he was. (this also makes me question his maturity) 3, Walking her home for safety, ends at the front door. 4. Both of them had been drinking. 5. Now he's crying that he's sorry, afterwards. He's even more sorry because you are sticking up for yourself. When I initially encouraged you to forgive him I was under the impression that he walked away from you to cool down. I didn't know about his intent. I thought he walked her to her door, did not go inside & she launched herself at him. That's not what happened. You do know him. We don't. Only you can determine if this was a one time thing but the more info that comes out, the less it looks like that he won't fly off the handle again in the future & try to punish you somehow. The worse part is he then tries to make it your fault & you are buying into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Also, if he wanted to deny what he did, why would he tell me about it in the first place and just hide it? Cheaters will usually admit to a "lesser crime" to gain back the trust of the person they've cheated on. This is what they will do 99% of the time. Stop making excuses for a cheater. In your gut, you know you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
FancyFace Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 OP: You say it took courage for him to tell you? In a relationship what courage really means is that when conflict arises, instead of burying your head in the sand (or in his case probably burying his head in between her breasts, coz you know he did more than just kiss but I digress), you sit down with your partner and you work that ish out. You dont punish, control, deflect and blame the other person. Those are signs of an abusive personality at worst, and an absolute douche at best. Either way, that is no prize hog you have on your hands. You say he was crying like a baby? I got caught drunk driving once and the policeman wanted to take me to jail. I cried my way out of a ticket and yet when I heard that a distant relative had died, I did not shed one single tear (dont judge me LOL). So what exactly is your point? When people want to get out of trouble they will use whatever weapons at their disposal including crocodile tears. You say you are not the type to throw away a relationship quickly? And yet you have a partner who can jeapodise your relationship by KNOWINGLY engaging in inappropriate behaviour that is very unbecoming of a good boyfriend no matter which way you look at it. You say he is a good guy? But then follow that statement up with being grateful that he "puts up with your worries". Uhm, your "worries" are part and parcel of who you are and it shouldnt be seen as him doing you a big favour. Read all your posts again and ask yourself, if my sister, mother, aunt, best friend, internet stranger were writing this, what would I say. And therein lies your answer. You answer isnt in your justifications of dodgy behaviour and taking on the blame that a cheating lying man is trying to heap on you. Good luck OP, you are gonna need it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackbird14 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 He's told me previously when I've come to him multiple times with jealous thoughts, which i know on my part have been out of context, that he can't take it anymore and he doesn't want this. He didn't "warn" me exactly that he would go with other women. He told me that he didn't know how he would react one day if this continued because he wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. I am fully aware that he cheated, I am aware that this is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackbird14 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Cheaters will usually admit to a "lesser crime" to gain back the trust of the person they've cheated on. This is what they will do 99% of the time. Stop making excuses for a cheater. In your gut, you know you deserve better. Yes I guess you are right Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackbird14 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 OP: You say it took courage for him to tell you? In a relationship what courage really means is that when conflict arises, instead of burying your head in the sand (or in his case probably burying his head in between her breasts, coz you know he did more than just kiss but I digress), you sit down with your partner and you work that ish out. You dont punish, control, deflect and blame the other person. Those are signs of an abusive personality at worst, and an absolute douche at best. Either way, that is no prize hog you have on your hands. You say he was crying like a baby? I got caught drunk driving once and the policeman wanted to take me to jail. I cried my way out of a ticket and yet when I heard that a distant relative had died, I did not shed one single tear (dont judge me LOL). So what exactly is your point? When people want to get out of trouble they will use whatever weapons at their disposal including crocodile tears. You say you are not the type to throw away a relationship quickly? And yet you have a partner who can jeapodise your relationship by KNOWINGLY engaging in inappropriate behaviour that is very unbecoming of a good boyfriend no matter which way you look at it. You say he is a good guy? But then follow that statement up with being grateful that he "puts up with your worries". Uhm, your "worries" are part and parcel of who you are and it shouldnt be seen as him doing you a big favour. Read all your posts again and ask yourself, if my sister, mother, aunt, best friend, internet stranger were writing this, what would I say. And therein lies your answer. You answer isnt in your justifications of dodgy behaviour and taking on the blame that a cheating lying man is trying to heap on you. Good luck OP, you are gonna need it. I think you're absolutely right. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 One last thing.... YOU know whether or not you're a "jealous person". Were you over-reacting? Or were you jealous with good reason to be? I've had many relationships and a marriage as well.... but the ONLY times I've ever been called "jealous" by someone I was involved with... were the guys who were cheating on me. That's something cheaters throw out to deflect the blame, to make you doubt yourself and your own perceptions. Take this experience with this guy as a life lesson... learn to trust your own instincts! When it comes to cheating, deep down you know when your boyfriend has crossed a line. Link to post Share on other sites
1040 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Keep us updated as to what happens. And it might be a good idea not to drink so much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackbird14 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 One last thing.... YOU know whether or not you're a "jealous person". Were you over-reacting? Or were you jealous with good reason to be? I've had many relationships and a marriage as well.... but the ONLY times I've ever been called "jealous" by someone I was involved with... were the guys who were cheating on me. That's something cheaters throw out to deflect the blame, to make you doubt yourself and your own perceptions. Take this experience with this guy as a life lesson... learn to trust your own instincts! When it comes to cheating, deep down you know when your boyfriend has crossed a line. I believe I was overreacting in many circumstances. I am a jealous person (and obviously not proud of it). It would be for innocent messages received by ex gfs etc. I never had any feeling that he had cheated on me before and I am sure that he hasn't. He doesn't call me jealous or anything like this, he's told me that he's just tired of explaining how much I mean to him and how he would never hurt me.. and told me that what I'm doing is too much Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I believe I was overreacting in many circumstances. I am a jealous person (and obviously not proud of it). It would be for innocent messages received by ex gfs etc. I never had any feeling that he had cheated on me before and I am sure that he hasn't. He doesn't call me jealous or anything like this, he's told me that he's just tired of explaining how much I mean to him and how he would never hurt me.. and told me that what I'm doing is too much I think you're in denial.... but best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
1040 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 ... he's told me that he's just tired of explaining how much I mean to him and how he would never hurt me.. and told me that what I'm doing is too much I've been married almost 30 years and my wife and I say things like this to one another all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
SearchingForMyself Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Op...how was your relationship with your father. You give off signs of desperation. Link to post Share on other sites
SearchingForMyself Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 This isn't love, its codependent power struggle. And youre losing. Clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
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