Cant move on emotionally after Co-Worker Affair

[drifter777]

Not getting caught & not confessing is a recipe for doing it again. Maybe you won't - but without real consequences another piece of cake will be hard to resist. IC is a must for you?

 

Are you sure you want to be married to your H? You don't have many complimentary comments about him

[Selfish]

Not getting caught & not confessing is a recipe for doing it again. Maybe you won't - but without real consequences another piece of cake will be hard to resist. IC is a must for you?

 

Are you sure you want to be married to your H? You don't have many complimentary comments about him

 

I thought you were pro not confessing?

[beach]

With your attitude I think it may be best to offer your H a divorce.

 

He deserves someone who will make him their top priority - I don't think you can do that while you're so preoccupied with getting more of everything for yourself.

[thummper]

=.1[/b] I love my husband, but he'd have left her for me.

Jesus I miss him. 2.Hes unreliable, a player, a Coke head, an unfaithful. He never wants to get married or have kids.

3.To all the above points, apply the opposite and you get my husband. Worships the ground I walk on. Is a fantastic father and husband. To a superfical point, is even better looking.

So why can I not move on? I am jealous of this new girl taking all his interest. We barely talk anymore and 4.my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.

We have a string of work trips coming up. Its easy to avoid him at those but we had so many plans. I am in love with the romantic view in my head. I am in love with the thrill, the fun, how he made me feel and I feel so hollow now.

5. he made me feel. Desirable, wanted.

BTW, I am 35, never did anything like this before,6. am a good person and if its safe to say so, stunningly beautiful.

I feel like I am going insane.7. He makes me melt when I see him. 8.My husband is the best bet,

 

1. You "love" your husband? Sure doesn't sound like it!

2. Gosh, this guy sounds just wonderful. Every woman's dream!

3. Your husband's great, but he just doesn't make you wet in your nether regions.

4. He's already suspicious of you and this guy. It's only a matter of time before his suspicions are confirmed. Where will you be then?

5. And this wonderful husband of yours doesn't makes you feel desirable and wanted?

6. Good person?? Do "good" people **** around on their husbands and just "melt" over other men?

7. Geeze!!! Lady, are you still in high school?

8. Oh wonderful! So poor hubby is your second-place fall-back person. I pity him when he finds out what his wife has turned into.

 

Be prepared. Any day now the life you've known and built with your wonderful husband is going to crash, and your sorrow will be well-earned.

But, hey, keep that job. It's much more important than your marriage, and it'll come in handy when you're on your own and trying to make it.

Edited March 1, 2015 by thummper

[TrustedthenBusted]

Wait...the non-committal bad-boy druggie gets the hot girl, and the nice guy finished last again?

 

 

shocker.

[atreides]

OP, you said you came here for advise as to how to get past your AP and for a liitle backlash.

 

First the backlash,

 

I am amazed at how little it takes for one to risk it all, a drugy's compliments made you feel amazing.

 

As to help you move on, you should tell your husband. You already dug your hole, not telling him is by no means escape. Do you want the rest of your married years based on paranoia, confusion and quite frankly a lie? Your H gets to decide what to do with your marriage since you already decided for him with your affair, but that process I assure you will end anything you have left for your AP.

[Bryanp]

Wow. You admit to having no guilt about cheating on your husband and putting him at risk for STD's. I guess you would not care either if your husband humiliated and betrayed you while putting your health at risk for STD's behind your back as well. I am sure that must have been times that your were intimate with your husband after you had been with your lover. You absolutely have no respect for your husband whatsoever. Did you enjoy playing your husband for a fool?

 

Please do not say that you love your husband because your actions show otherwise. I am sure you would believe your husband if the roles were reversed and he told you that he loved you also. I get the feeling that you do not have a clue what love is.

[drifter777]

I thought you were pro not confessing?

I am. From what I read her H has cheated on her multiple times and she has nothing good to say about him. Tell him, don't tell him - it's not going to matter and I shouldn't have made that comment. Or this one. I just don't care what she does.

[spanz1]

can you change shifts or office locations? maybe move to other projects where you will not interact with this younger guy?

he no longer wants you, and you do not want to become a pathetic stalker, so move on. Do whatever you need to mentally to get him out of your mind. get a big picture of a steaming pile of cow manure, and every time you think of this guy, pull the picture out and have a good look! move on, and stop cheating on your nice hubby. try ramping up the sex with HIM instead.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am. From what I read her H has cheated on her multiple times and she has nothing good to say about him.

 

Don't think the OP said her H has cheated. And she said this about him:

 

To all the above points, apply the opposite and you get my husband. Worships the ground I walk on. Is a fantastic father and husband. To a superfical point, is even better looking... My husband is the best bet, deep down I dont deserve him.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Furious]

 

My head is wrecked.

 

 

Can anyone tell me how they managed to work alongside their ex affair partner?

 

Hes moved on and I cant. Being a woman I guess I got emotionally attached.

 

It was for this reason I pushed him away, he got too serious.

 

 

Getting another job is not an option but after 10 years of marriage I entered into an affair with "A boy" from work. Early 30's, Jack the lad, full of mischief, compliments, made me feel amazing.

 

 

After our first drunken kiss we both went back for more. An affair ensued.

 

 

He wanted more, I pushed back.

 

Hes living with his GF about 10 years.

 

I love my husband, but he'd have left her for me. According to him I was the sun moon and the stars, to me he was a bit of fun.

 

I still expected him to message me every day. One weekend he didn't and I was bitchy all day Monday.

 

He apologized, he tried to contact me, I was being a bitch, its what I do.

 

I was cool with him for the week and he then called it off.

 

 

I thought "Game on" I'll have ya back in a sec. It fell on its face. 4 weeks later hes moved onto someone else in the office (I reckon) and I am a mess.

 

To diffuse this, he doesnt wanna go back, was getting too serious, I wont commit.

 

 

This is true and hasnt changed but Jesus I miss him. Hes unreliable, a player, a Coke head, an unfaithful. He never wants to get married or have kids.

 

 

To all the above points, apply the opposite and you get my husband. Worships the ground I walk on. Is a fantastic father and husband. To a superfical point, is even better looking.

 

 

So why can I not move on? I am jealous of this new girl taking all his interest.

 

 

We barely talk anymore and my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.

 

 

We have a string of work trips coming up.

 

Its easy to avoid him at those but we had so many plans. I am in love with the romantic view in my head. I am in love with the thrill, the fun, how he made me feel and I feel so hollow now.

 

 

Deep down I know its not HIM I miss. Its the way he made me feel. Desirable, wanted.

 

 

BTW, I am 35, never did anything like this before, am a good person and if its safe to say so, stunningly beautiful.

 

 

 

 

Why cant I get past this and why do I feel so hollow? Is my only way forward conselling to unravel the real issues?

 

 

I feel like I am going insane. He makes me melt when I see him.

 

My husband is the best bet, deep down I dont deserve him. I need a kick in the head! Has anyone being in a work relationship and felt this way after it ended? How did you move on? I feel so out of control of my life.

 

There are lots more pieces to this story but I'd love advise how to move past this without changing jobs. Reasons why I cant move would fill another post on its own. I am losing my mind (Or so I feel) so would love some feedback

 

Thanks in Advance

 

 

You contradict yourself. You claim to love your husband but just wanted some fun on the side.

 

You claim to be a nice person, but actions speak louder than words.

 

Your serial cheating coke head OM dumped you and got himself a new OW, and even though you do not want anything more than fun on the side your ego can't take the rejection.

 

It's odd that you added that you are "stunningly" beautiful. It's good to have self esteem but....

 

Maybe, you're used to getting what you want and being rejected,( even from a loser), is something new to you.

 

Looks are a blessing, but looks do not define a person.

[johncarl]

You are missing the high you got from the affair. It must be really difficult to still see him every day. You have to tell yourself that your husband is a far better man, and get through it.

 

That's a good piece of advice and a good "take" on things. It's probably just missing the high and the thrill from running around "in secret" with someone. Maybe your married life needs something a little different. Try some sexual experimentation with your husband? Go to a sex-shop together, push your boundaries together and so forth. I know some couples that do some fairly "freaky" stuff together and it's how they keep the sexual spark and passion going after years. We tend to seek excitement as people, so find a way to have some with your husband.

 

 

I hope your husband doesn't find out because he would probably be crushed and really hurt. It's hard to say though, everyone is different. He might be glad you didn't leave him....that you're still with him. But if you love him and want to be with him then make him happy and go for couselling at least yourself to figure out why you cheated.

[Giraffe2014]

Again, thanks to all who have taken the time to post. This new week brings much of the same story. Dh in great form, feels like "I'm back" emotionally, this is, no doubt because of the ceased contact with affair boy. He went on a three day bender for the weekend rocked up to work rougher than a badgers are Monday lunchtime. My DH was with me all weekend between working a second job and minding our son. Affair boy looked washed up, hasn't said two words to me this week and ya it bothers me. It's a dented ego at the es of the day, pathetic I know but honest. I'm trying to move forward, to heal me, something within me isn't right but it's mending, I know longer miss his compliments or contact. He knows this work trip is no longer up for grabs, he no longer makes cheeky comments. I need to be a wife and mother again. This is what I signed up for, I love my husband and child contrary to my actions. I got caught up playing with a boy, carefree, wild, party animal, complete opposite to husband made me feel 16 again! I know how shallow this soundalike and is so out of character for me. Every day it gets easier to see him, to treat him just like another guy in the office. I need to out my energy into my marriage and stop reflecting in how easy he walked away from me. A guy like that is all about him. This is evident in how he treats his girl, me and am sure many others. Issues are within me, I need to address these

[HereNorThere]

Again, thanks to all who have taken the time to post. This new week brings much of the same story. Dh in great form, feels like "I'm back" emotionally, this is, no doubt because of the ceased contact with affair boy. He went on a three day bender for the weekend rocked up to work rougher than a badgers are Monday lunchtime. My DH was with me all weekend between working a second job and minding our son. Affair boy looked washed up, hasn't said two words to me this week and ya it bothers me. It's a dented ego at the es of the day, pathetic I know but honest. I'm trying to move forward, to heal me, something within me isn't right but it's mending, I know longer miss his compliments or contact. He knows this work trip is no longer up for grabs, he no longer makes cheeky comments. I need to be a wife and mother again. This is what I signed up for, I love my husband and child contrary to my actions. I got caught up playing with a boy, carefree, wild, party animal, complete opposite to husband made me feel 16 again! I know how shallow this soundalike and is so out of character for me. Every day it gets easier to see him, to treat him just like another guy in the office. I need to out my energy into my marriage and stop reflecting in how easy he walked away from me. A guy like that is all about him. This is evident in how he treats his girl, me and am sure many others. Issues are within me, I need to address these

 

Will you just quit it with the "out of character" talk already? Every post you have is "me, me, me." The selfishness is part of your character. You're proud of it, so just own it.

 

You cheat on your husband and child with coke heads, remember that.

Edited March 3, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Giraffe2014]

Yes, it is me, me, me! Me is why i posted! Admittedly selfish and I expected a backlash but I posted truthfully and did so coz I need help and advice a lot of which I have taken onboard. I know I've acted selfishly, bad, evil but knocking me isn't helping me! I'm just a stranger here looking to know how to move on. Sorry if I sound vindictive I telly didn't mean to come across that way just lost and very alone

[jbrent890]

Yes, it is me, me, me! Me is why i posted! Admittedly selfish and I expected a backlash but I posted truthfully and did so coz I need help and advice a lot of which I have taken onboard. I know I've acted selfishly, bad, evil but knocking me isn't helping me! I'm just a stranger here looking to know how to move on. Sorry if I sound vindictive I telly didn't mean to come across that way just lost and very alone

 

No it's selfish because this is what you set out to do all along. Cheat and hope you don't get caught. The rest of your marriage from this point forward will be a lie. Your husband is stuck married to someone that he believes has been monogamous to him. A lot of cheaters think that ended the affairs is enough. No, owning up to what you did regardless of the consequences is what you need to do next. You asked what to do, so that's my advice. Your husband deserves the truth.

[drifter777]

Don't think the OP said her H has cheated. And she said this about him:

Mr. Lucky

You are right - I apologize to OP. When I read this:

 

Sandylee1 – First affair. For me, not for him.

 

I though she was talking about H but I now see it was about her AP.

 

I was also mistaken about her not having much good to say about her H. She has said he's a good father and husband and she doesn't deserve him and all that.

 

OP: I previously posted that if you don't tell him about this then it's going to be easier for you to grab another piece of cake down the line. While I do think this is true, if you believe you can work on your marriage and strengthen your boundaries then I agree with your not telling him. Being a BH myself I wish that somehow I would have never known about my wife cheating. In my case it wasn't possible for her to withhold the truth but when a BH can be spared the pain of knowing his wife cheated then I'm all for it. Be forewarned that if he discovers your affair the chances of reconciling go down quite dramatically.

 

I always get ton's of angry backlash when I post this opinion but its what I believe and I'm not saying its right. Its just another point of view.

[10thengineerharrison]

So, is her BH a serial cheater or not? (edited to note that drifter's post cleared that up). Where did that information come from? A lot of what I would have to say would be for the benefit of the BH, not the WW anyway, I suppose. But I wouldn't bother if he's also a cheater.

 

But this is the WW's thread. I'll just say this, then. This won't end well, whether you succeed at keeping your filthy secret or not. You'll have to live the rest of your life with no real integrity or ability to be a role model for your kid(s). And if you don't (or can't) keep the secret - especially if he finds out on his own rather than you telling him - your BH is far better off getting out of the marriage sooner rather than later and starting over with someone with values.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[thummper]

Yes, it is me, me, me! Me is why i posted! Admittedly selfish and I expected a backlash but I posted truthfully and did so coz I need help and advice a lot of which I have taken onboard. I know I've acted selfishly, bad, evil but knocking me isn't helping me! I'm just a stranger here looking to know how to move on. Sorry if I sound vindictive I telly didn't mean to come across that way just lost and very alone

 

The ONLY thing that will get you out of the miserable situation you've gotten yourself into is to get away from this twerp! You never did explain why it's impossible for you to go to a different job. Excuses, excuses, excuses! As long as you two are in any kind of contact, you're going to be tempted to jump right back in. GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!!! No more excuses. If he won't leave, then you leave. Your marriage should be the uppermost thing in your mind. But you won't leave. You'll stay and eventually it will start all over again. I pity you, your husband, and your family. This whole scenario has "disaster" written all over it.

[johncarl]

I'm going to say again: get some counseling for yourself. A professional will be non-judgmental (unlike most of the people here). There are probably a lot of reasons why you had an affair and you need to figure that out. A therapist won't tell you that you're a bad person (like people here). You sound remorseful - I know I picked up on remorse in there. Bad people don't feel remorse - they don't give a rat's butt. You obviously do give a darn or you would just move onto the next guy, or be trying to get the OM back.

 

So, buck up, forget about all the hate that's been thrown around here. Figure out what you need and want, then maybe you can be honest with your hubby.

[jbrent890]

I'm going to say again: get some counseling for yourself. A professional will be non-judgmental (unlike most of the people here). There are probably a lot of reasons why you had an affair and you need to figure that out. A therapist won't tell you that you're a bad person (like people here). You sound remorseful - I know I picked up on remorse in there. Bad people don't feel remorse - they don't give a rat's butt. You obviously do give a darn or you would just move onto the next guy, or be trying to get the OM back.

 

So, buck up, forget about all the hate that's been thrown around here. Figure out what you need and want, then maybe you can be honest with your hubby.

 

John do you want to know who I find to be the most judgmental individuals on this planet... Cheaters. Take you and the op, both of you examined your partners and JUDGED the fact that neither one deserved your fidelity. That's why whenever I hear cheaters say don't judge or that this person doesn't deserve these judgemental comments all I can think to myself is how hypocritical. People judge people everday. That's life. If cheaters don't want to be judged for their actions, then maybe they shouldn't have cheated. This is an open forum. Some people will be nice and some people won't.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is evident in how he treats his girl, me

 

That you would, at this point, use that particular endearment - "his girl" - to describe yourself is just sad, can't think of any better way to describe it. Someone that offers you so little of value in return gets to have you be "his". And your spouse, busting his ass to be a good husband and provide for your family, gets the sh*t end of the stick. This is the bargain you've made.

 

Probably more than anything else you've written, that single sentence would break your husband's heart...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fellini]

As another BH who does not hold that disclosure is absolutely essential in all cases, I would add a couple of things.

 

Most people are more likely to believe in your turnaround if it was in fact you that initiated the break, as though you woke up and smelled the coffee and realised not JUST "that this was going too far" or "getting out of hand" but that NONE of this was RIGHT or YOU.

 

It's more difficult to swallow this change in attitude if the reason it ended is your were dumped by the AP.

 

This is not to say that it is impossible to come to the "dignified view" by being dumped, only that it's more difficult to convince a BH that it has happened.

 

Only YOU really know how you feel, deep down inside, about having conducted yourself in such a shameful and disrespectful manner. Because that was exactly what it was.

 

Are you truly done with that? Are you in a position yet to look back at that and shudder at how you allowed yourself to get there? Or has the blow to your ego been so hard that you that it only really amounts to having turned your view of HIM around in such a way that you are really glad it's over because HE WASNT WORTH IT.

 

If you are still thinking about HIM in that way, they you are not genuinely on board. Because there may be another better, less coke snorting guy just around the corner. And you cannot allow yourself to "play" him thinking its about "not going too far" as you have surmised here.

 

You crossed a dozen, a hundred, a thousand lines LONG BEFORE YOU WENT TOO FAR WITH YOUNG AFFAIR BOY. These are the things that should be occupying you thoughts today, NOT how you are/were well into the A.

 

Like you said You need to work on you. But what is it exactly you intend to work on? I can see, for one, your need for affirmation, attention, and recognition of you as a fun, outgoing attractive person needs a little work, to start. How accurate is it to say that you thrive on the flattery of or attention of others for your sense of self worth. You can start there in IC perhaps.

 

To tell or not to tell, I agree with drifter with this caveat: if you have awakened NOT ONLY FROM THE AFFAIR but from your being asleep at the wheel about your boundaries and your extroverted needs to be noticed at work by male colleagues, THEN perhaps you might get away with NOT telling your H and converting him into a BH and destroying his mental life for the remainder of his life: with or without you. You will be causing him unnecessary pain and suffering.

 

If you are not truly awakened from this mess, and are really just beginning to think you picked the wrong player to play with, then I suggest you prepare the home front for a separation, get out while you can, and leave them in peace. Again, no disclosure of your past with young turk.

 

 

You are right - I apologize to OP. When I read this:

 

 

I though she was talking about H but I now see it was about her AP.

 

I was also mistaken about her not having much good to say about her H. She has said he's a good father and husband and she doesn't deserve him and all that.

 

OP: I previously posted that if you don't tell him about this then it's going to be easier for you to grab another piece of cake down the line. While I do think this is true, if you believe you can work on your marriage and strengthen your boundaries then I agree with your not telling him. Being a BH myself I wish that somehow I would have never known about my wife cheating. In my case it wasn't possible for her to withhold the truth but when a BH can be spared the pain of knowing his wife cheated then I'm all for it. Be forewarned that if he discovers your affair the chances of reconciling go down quite dramatically.

 

I always get ton's of angry backlash when I post this opinion but its what I believe and I'm not saying its right. Its just another point of view.

[pheonixrisen]

A guy like that is all about him. This is evident in how he treats his girl, me and am sure many others. Issues are within me, I need to address these

 

You are still concerned about what he does during weekend and what he says or does not say to you during the week...

Focus on your own family instead of concerning yourself about his activities ..

 

And you and many others are NOT HIS GIRL ...His gf who he lives with is his girl...you are just a number..

 

Affair no 1

Affair no 2

Affair no 3,4,5

Affair no 6 .......you

Affair no 7 ...office girl ....you get the point .

Edited March 4, 2015 by pheonixrisen
error corrected

[fellini]

More likely the GF at home is just the affair he has when he isnt busy with one of his others at work. Maybe he keeps her around to make sure he doesn't come back to an empty house.

 

But OP, any talk about re-envisioning this AP is just a psychological strategy to justify being OKAY with the A being over. It does not speak well for you.

 

I watched my WW do the same thing: slowly but surely begin to find fault in the AP so as to convince herself that really, how lucky she was not to still be in the A, because after all, he was just a player...

 

I don't know about you, but unless solitaire is your game it always takes at least 2 to play.

 

 

You are still concerned about what he does during weekend and what he says or does not say to you during the week...

Focus on your own family instead of concerning yourself about his activities ..

 

And you and many others are NOT HIS GIRL ...His gf who he lives with is his girl...you are just a number..

 

Affair no 1

Affair no 2

Affair no 3,4,5

Affair no 6 .......you

Affair no 7 ...office girl ....you get the point .