chick0 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hi guys, i dont even know where to start, right now in my life, im so confused and ive never felt more alone/withdrawn from my feelings to the point where I just don't know what the hell im doing, cant even make plans and basically living day by day...If you have to read my first thread please do so, only the intro as to what has brought me to where I am right now: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/509880-8-year-relationship-ended-needing-guidance So its been about 3 months since my breakup of 8 years with the ex... I started seeing another woman who is the complete opposite of my ex to the point where I could start a family with this girl - which she wants to do as well once she finishes university - studying to be a doctor she is. Problem is, my ex is still in and out of my life, to the point where its made me so confused. She has been seeing me every weekend, sometimes sleeping over. We get along like best friends and this is what confuses me. The new girl im dating doesnt want me to have contact with my ex which i completely %100 understand and believe is the right thing to do. But for some reason I can not let go of her - no matter how bad she was to me (cheating on me over 5 times, taking money etc.) It got to the point where last week, I had to cancel seeing the new girls family which she invited me, because I went out with my ex (yes clubbing and partying) its a side of me I cant stop now because ive been doing it with her for so long. She stayed over saturday and sunday...Now I was meant to go gym with my ex but shes feeling sick, but yesterday she told me shes going out for dinner with a guy on saturday night...This just even confused me more - more so like my best mate dogged me for someone type thing you know... She doesnt know I cancelled seeing the family of the new girl and yeah, seems like im in the trap again of cancelling any plans I have for myself and waiting t osee what my ex is doing before i do anything... Ive never been in this situation, if my ex was not in my life at all - i would be with this new girl in a heart beat, making plans for a future with her and everything, shes basically perfect for me in every way, but this thing with my ex is all emotionally fueled and has no logic
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 3 months after ending an 8 year relationship, the new person is a rebound. She's filling the hole left by your EX. She is not real. She's a place holder. You need to spend some time grieving the loss of your LTR & figuring out who you are as an individual. You are not the same person you were 8 years ago. 1
preraph Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Unless your ex completely stops drinking, all the way, joins AA, etc., during which time she can't have relationships for the first year, you shouldn't be taking her back. I hope you've gotten joint custody and are sticking to a custody schedule, but other than telling your ex to get rehab's anything else you do to entertain her is just enabling her. If you're drinking too, you should probably stop as well and get your head clear. No new woman is going to put up with having your ex around. You don't know what you want, you've got a long way to go to find out. But your child shouldn't be around a drunk all the time. Think about what this is teaching your child. You should be pressing the ex to get clean for good. If she doesn't want to, you should do what's right for the child. Put other women on the backburner until you do those things.
Author chick0 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Thanks for the reply guys... I understand what both of you are saying and it is getting out of control... I know my ex is still talking to these guys (two of them), she gives hints etc. saying sometimes you have to see other people to truly know what you had and why you loved someone (which is a totally ****ed up way of doing things (something she has done in the past to me)... I know im not ready for a relationship, but this thing with the new girl is like a snowball and I keep getting in deeper and deeper. I have put off meeting her family but she keeps insisting. She met my mother last weekend as I needed to pick up a car from my familys house and she came with me... Shes already talking about moving in with me and is trying to make me move to the other side of the city (her side) and telling me its the only way I can make a new start and that im weak minded if I dont make the move etc. But i explained I prefer this side of town ive been here 8 years and im happy here, which she then replies you are just weak minded and can not grow anymore if you dont move... To me I cant see my ex getting out of my life, she still visits every weekend and even saw me last weekend. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS: I messaged my ex last week mid week and asked, were you looking to do anything this friday? (Asked he ras I feel yes we are best friends and the fact Id rather her not going out with those dick head guys - im not jealous but they are bad news). She then replied no im going to stay home for friday and go out with this guy on saturday. I said Fine no worries... Friday night comes along she messages me to come out dancing with her... I agreed and advised if we go out we limit our drinks (which we did) we had 4 glasses each for the night which was good and not over the top (actually one of our best nights out enjoying together). Saturday i get up early to go to my familys house for the car - I message my ex in the afternoon and advise her I will be home by 8 p.m. and that she can drop the son off then so i can then spend the night with him... Was a bit grumpy and said hope you have fun with that new loser you're going with, you and I both know the guys you're seeing are drop kicks, then I said sorry lol and hope she takes care of herself... A couple hours later at 6:30 as im about to drive home , my ex calls and asks how long Ill be, she asks me to get her some late dinner and that she is now not going out with the guy :S... I never asked her why, but yeah im confused as **** now?? Now today, weve been talking and she said she like to go with me this weekend with the son to a spa place like we do and have a relaxing one with me... I asked her, how come everytime I ask you to do something you say no (like coming over etc.) she says I dont like to be told what to do, and I said im not telling you im just asking you... She then said I like to know im making the decision myself... So yeah it seems like a battle for power here and I guess thats it...
spiderowl Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 You are still in love with your ex. You are making regular arrangements to see her and trying to stop her seeing other guys. What makes you think you should be in a relationship with anyone else just yet? I know we all need love and affection and the physical side of a relationship but this is not fair on the new girl. If you still want to date the new girl, you need to cut your ex out of your life (which I doubt you will do). I think probably if you told the new girl you weren't ready for a relationship yet because you realised you are still attached to your ex, she will leave. If you cut your ex out of your life, or at least stop seeing her as a friend altogether, your ex might think twice about losing you. As long as she thinks she can be a close friend and not a girlfriend, she has no reason to review the relationship. At the moment, you seem to have the most difficult situation with her where she's playing on your jealousy and you are letting her, even encouraging her to hang around and do it. If you want her back as a girlfriend, you need to stop being the put-upon ex and let her miss you.
Author chick0 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Thanks spider owl, I guess you are right about it all!!!
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