8 year relationship ended needing guidance

[chick0]

Hi guys, how are you all. This is actually my first post on here. I've been reading alot of the stories and advice all you guys have given each other through breakups and i finally decided to join up and share my story and hopefully see what happens from there. I've tried counselling etc. but just doesnt get me anywhere. So I guess here it is my story.

 

Basically I was with my partner for 8 years - would have been this February. We broke up a month ago (end of November-start of December). We did have a strong relationship even a little family, have a son of 11 years old which was hers from a previous marriage - I came into their life when our son was 2 1/2 years old so he basically knows me as his father and calls me dad and everything.

 

My ex, she basically ended it, saying to me she just isnt the type to be committed and wants her freedom to do anything she likes. Its not the first time ive heard it - shes done it 4 times - nearly every second year at around the same time of the year (either at the end of the year or mid year). She done it to me in July and left the house for a month taking everything then moved back in september - we then went on holidays together as a family. we had arranged once we got back we were going to organise buying a house together - this was in october. So you can see how shocked I am that after a month after deciding this she has wanted to split up.

 

Obviously her saying she wanted her own freedom she has now been going out with two guys i know who are friends (other times she done this it was the same thing some guy getting involved with her and alcohol etc). She was going out twice a week drinking with them and then going to bloody hotels with them and sleeping wit them (these guys are rich guys and take her out to these flashy clubs/bars). One of the guys she actually cheated on me with 1 year into our relationship which at the time i forgave her for.

 

She does have a drinking problem and has been going out with them twice a week obviously drinking where she can drink up to say 6-8 glasses of scotch and another 4-6 shots of tequilla - thats her drinking habits. she has had depression in the past and ive always been there for her for it which is why everytime she has gone through this stage with me ive stuck around.

 

So since the break up she moved out start of December to a house sharing with another family - she sleeps in one bedroom with our son. Shes been seeing me every weekend and staying over (its like nothing has changed when we are together she still calls me babes, we have fun go out etc.) Then through the week she ends up going out with these guys. She told two days ago that yes she does like someone else but shes not sure of it (ive got a pretty strong feeling its one of the guys shes seeing the one she originally cheated on me with). Reason is she went out with him this week on Monday and stayed at a hotel with him. I saw her the day after it happened because she wanted to come round and see me (excuse to pick up one AV cable for her tv) saw her that night and she just looked completely down, i tried to talk to her to get her to talk about it but she just kept quiet and stone walling me. next day i didnt msg her until afternoon we then talked on the phone and i had to get off because she was still acting grumpy and like a 12 yr old kid. I msged her saying "listen i dont get why everytime you go out and spend time with me on weekends you're as happy as larry and have no issues, but when the week starts you go out with these guys you get drunk and you totally flip on me like a complete stranger and act all ****ty all the time... she replied i know i can see it, its the alcohol i guess. After that that i asked if she was still coming over to see me yesterday night... She replied that no she cant as she is broke (she is currently on holidays from work as she works for a school). I said thats ok fair enough... 2 hours later i finished work and she messages me can we please go to the gym tonight (we do gym together - power lifting etc.) I said ok no worries. She then changes her mind an hour later and asks to go beach as a family...

 

So last night we go to the beach together, we had a good night...She told me she wants to make a change in her life now from the drinking - however when she got to my place she went to the cupboard and grabbed the gentleman jack bottle and poured a glass and had a drink...

 

When she got home i msgd her and i basically asked if she feels its over with us or if she sometimes feels its not. she replied that yes its over i then said is there no chance for us which she replies, I dont think so sorry. When she wrote that, i msgd back when you say you dont think so is that a clear no or ur still not sure inside yourself. I dont want to push you and I only ask, because like always when things build up around you, you just want to escape alone away from everything... she then writes back "yes I know" without giving any other answer and then says good night. before all this when we were at the beach she did say she wanted to go gym tonight and go out for dinner to celebrate a pay rise i got at work (pay rise was to get the house we were going to get) and that she will come to the movies on friday and go out mountain bike riding with me and our son on saturday as i bought him a bike for christmas. She didnt even get him anything because she spent all her money on herself and going out with these guys. Shes seeing me tonight as I have to give her $500 due to her only having $100 left from doing all the **** she does and shes not getting paid for another month.

 

I know its an extremely long post and its only half the story, but i hope you guys had time to read it.

 

Basically from it all - I'm wanting to save this relationship and our family.

 

Im just truly confused as to what I should do and with what she says. Half of me says I should keep fighting on and not to give up - i can see her happy when shes around me and it brings her back down to earth.

 

Other half of me says just to cut all communication off and just move on from it all - but obviously im not strong enough to do that because i want to hold on.

 

I dont know whether or not to see if our plans to see each other tonight and go movies tomorrow and the weekend are still a go ahead or just wait for her to contact me... Any advise would be great or any past experience from anyone whos been in this situation would be greatly appreciated. Im only 31 and shes 30 still young and i dont want to wreck the rest of my life.

[JonjMie]

Hey man this is tough for you, I'll just tell it as I see it. She's dependent on alcohol and although some alcoholics hold down jobs and families, most don't, she's drinking for a reason, do you know what for ?

 

She basically being used by these guys, sleeping with one as you suggest and potentially putting you at risk of STDs

 

Your 31, my life didn't even begin until I was 34, I'm 47 now and had countless relationships, most medium length, two marriages over ten years each, I'm still searching for the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I've just split with my GF of ten months, her choice, gutted.

 

Don't end up like me, don't continue with this relationship and let her take the piss anymore mate. Your going to have to break contact with her but understand you will still want to see your child so pick him up once a week or so and take him to dinner, when he's older he can make up his own mind about what he wants to do.

 

For now, end the pain, have respect for yourself, do stuff you enjoy, see your mates, play some sport, go on holiday, then when you feel great about yourself start dating, go on a dating site or something and meet other girls, you'll then have a chance of a normal happy life with someone that lives and respects you.

[Light Breeze]

OP,

 

It's quite admirable for someone to want to save a relationship for the sake family. However, there comes a point when doing so will entail more heartbreak. When that time comes you should let go.

 

Don't let her walk over you, don't be a doormat please. This girl cheated on you, treats you like ****, alcohol dependent, irresponsible, etc. you name it.

 

Basically, she's treating you as the "nice guy" backup for weekends while she sleeps around and parties on weekdays. C'mon man, you're better than that! She says there's no chance for your relationship? Good, now you can move on to someone better.

 

If I were you I'll get my dignity and self respect back by doing No Contact with her. Communicate only if this has to do with the kids. Otherwise, reiterate to her that you're broken up and you can't go out like you use too. Let her realize her own mistakes, she's not your responsibilty anymore. Move on to someone better.

 

Brother, you deserve more than this.

[chick0]

Thanks to both you guys for the support. Im at work at the moment - down in australia only 10 30 a.m. Just took a valium feeling groggy as **** now - havent had one since july when she last done this to me.

 

in response to JonjMie

She nearly lost her job at as an i.t. engineer at the sschool she works for. I actually got her the job there through friends as im an i.t. engineer myself. She didnt complete uni because of the same reason of going out with these idiots and i saved her from it all... last year she missed out a day of work each week for a month on this drinking binge to the point that she she didnt take our son to school once a week as well...got to the point where drove in our drive way smashed the front of the car driving in at 5 in the morning with a 1 litre bottle of jack finished off... this was same time last year... Her drinking habits - she briefly told me she started drinking when she first moved to australia with her x husband - my ex is cambodian and the ex was an aussie. When they divorced she was alone in a two bedroom unit with the son and she said i used to just let my son sleep in his room and i would be up all night drinking a bottle. she was on anti depressant pills when i first met her and i got her off them... a year ago a doctor diagnosed her having an alcohol issue and to see the psychologist, but when she got in he ruplifting mood a week later she cancelled the appt. i made for her.

 

She always says and said now as well, she is not happy because she does not have enough money. she has debt of $63000 due to buy ing a $20,000 car, getting a breast job $15000, and paying half for her parents to come here which cost $25000, and a further $5000 loan on everyday ****, and also a $3000 credit card and also runs an over draft on her acct. which is at -$1600 currently... Shes basically living out of a tin can...

 

she basically sees going out with these guys to these flashy places as a fantasy and a way to escape her reality (money issues on herself). She said she drinks to forget her problems. She knows that it doesnt fix her situation but it makes her feel good for the time being...Hence why i pay the full rent and put dinner on the table, she only paid the bills in the house round $200-$300...She even had to grab the dinne rand lunch i cooked for myself the other day to tak to her new house because she had no food...

 

In response to that, this is why i stay around because i cant let someone i love fall - we started doing gym together a year and a half ago which made her stop drinking excessively but as always mid or end of year she turned to it again... Now this is why im at the point do i go to gym with her tonight do i go out bike riding with her on the weekends to keep her mind happy, although she still talks to these men... Or do i tell her to pass the torch to the next man shes with and let him make you happy and see what he gives you...

 

Jonjmie, if i take the route of no contact - do i simply say, fair enough you dont want me or anything to do with me then fine, lets keep it that way, however when my son wants to see me just msg me and ill advise if im free for the weekend and you can drop him off, nothing more than that...

 

Thank you for your story as well, mine is only half the battle compared to the crazy crap you ahve been through and its much respect for someone to let out what they have been through to prevent it happening to another brother..

 

Light Breeze - Yeah ive changed so much since i was young. This is the reason why i love her. Yes she has done bad by me but she saved me. I was a man without direction and didnt care about anything - father passed away at 16 and just lost myself. She taught me about respect again and culture and providing for a family.

 

I guess i gte caught up in what she says, she always says i know you never give up, you're the rock and the one with strength although your an emotional guy you still hold everything strong... I guess i just need to make some steps here now... She still has stuff at our place, she always leaves something behind.. Shes still even got her pets here - 4 cats that im taking care of, she says if she takes them she will just throw them in a shelter - pretty sad thing seeing as i paid $800 bucks each for them over the years and they were all bought because she needed something to keep her happy and for her to take some responsibility...Should I just wait and see if she wants to still come out and if she does just cancel and advise her yes youve moved on and this was your choice so i have to do what i have to now - as hard as it is.

[Light Breeze]

It seems you have this overwhelming sense of beholdeness towards her for what you think she's done for you. That's quite admirable of you, actually.

 

However, no matter how you become her white knight it wouldn't make a difference. Change and the realization of its necessity should come from deep inside her. Her happiness isn't your responsibility, it's hers alone, just yours is your own.

 

But, I understand how you feel since she's the mother of your child and you want what's best for her. Furthermore, she should need to clean her act for the sake of your son. I hope her family realizes this and enters her into some kind of therapy I really think she needs professional intervention. (Boob job for 15000k while she's deep in debt... Really??)

 

And yes, just tell her that you need only to communicate with each other when it comes to your son. Tell her you can't do all this things with her anymore since you've broken up already. Ask her to collect all her things from your place and that's it. She's not your responsibility anymore, it's time now to look for your own happiness.

[chick0]

Thanks Light breeze...To be honest her family cant talk to her about it. I already spoke to her sister a year and a half ago about it. Her sister said I really wish and want to but if i do i know that she will not talk to me and she will disappear - because thats what she does. She isolates everyone so no one talks. Ive tried to get her to do therapy which she didnt go. I truly wish i could get her into intervention or anything professional but it just wont happen she believes she is fine although she tells me she has problems? go figure - hence why i feel obgliged to stick by her to make her happy because i know she needs help... I even went to a psych last july to sort myself out and they basically stated she is narcissistic and there is nothing you can do....

 

Even took her to alcoholics anonymous, she went once with me then said this is not for me...Her financial situation wont get better. it hasnt for the past 2 years, shes only been holding on with me paying for ****...

 

I guess once she contacts me i will advise her of what you told me is best.

[Satu]

Here are a few tips that helped me:

 

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

[chick0]

Satu thanks very much for the list!!! To be honest ive been so bloody lost since this happened... Coming from a bloke who entered his early 20's with a woman and a family and now in my mid life having given up all the things i used to do to support a family. Might not sound like much but gave up all the going out and gave up all my cars - used to build drag/race cars as a hobby had 5 of them which i sold off for this house to buy and left with one family car.

 

The no contact thing im going to give a try...Ive ha dno contact today so far and im going to try and hold off. Was thinking of hitting the drinks tonight to forget my woes but ill do my best to go for a mountain bike ride and then go to the gym thats the hard part as we used to go together and everyone knows we always work out together but yeah... With this no contact if shes messaging or calling me i just ignore it yeah

[Poppyolive]

Sounds like alcoholic to me. And sadly, you're apart of the problem. It won't change, you can't help her. This will be your relationship. Alcohol is her first love, she will do what it takes to get it. You are on a roller coaster wirh her and alcohol is leading the way.

 

I feel for you and for her. There is a lot of unraveling & work that needs to be done, to get to a healthy place. You can't do it alone.

 

Go over to sober recovery forum, there is a lot of you and sober alcoholics. It will give you some insight.

[chick0]

POPPY OLIVE. I have done all i possibly could over 8 years to stop her drinking...believe me i have... It got to the point where last january she had a siezure, luckily i was just walking out of the bedroom and going out to buy groceries and she yelled out to me for help... there she was clenched up hands clenched feet clenched and her dribbling and luckily ive seen siezures before and knew what to do and called ambulance etc. as my dad had a similar case where he had a tumor etc.

 

That was at the point where she decided to do AA but stopped after one session of going...

 

Everything is just a complete mess, all i've always done is help her and she just turns to the bad ****... She even admitted to me " you know i know i do bad things, but i cant help myself, if i dont do it i go crazy until i do it, then i realise it was wrong" so the moer i tell her not to do something as well the more she will literally do it too...

 

Gosh as stated earlier she is -65000 plus in her account and shes still spending at restaurants close to $100 plus for lunches - she just done it today. we both have access to our accounts which are separate... I can tell you whats going to happen tonight. she will come around for the $500 i said ill give her, ill ask her if she has any food for the week, she will say no, ive already done grocery shopping and i always pre buy more for her and the son because i know she will not have gone shopping and does not know how to shop (honest truth) ive done the shopping for the past 7 years of our relationship, so ill end up giving her food as well...

 

 

Everyone from the outside sees she is ok, but its only behind closed doors that she shows the crap she goes through and it absolutely guts me that she shows me this pain and shows me the good and the bad, but no when a new man comes along she will just show all the happiness to him, then when shes by herself shes all sad.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend, your being used and if you don't know that by now then you never will. She's slowly killing herself with booze and using you as a yoyo and for some reason your letting her.

 

The problem is she has to learn how to grow up and act like a responsible person. She's a parent and her priorities aren't in order. She would rather suck down a bottle of Jack and screw around with a couple guys who only want one thing and IMO her son comes in a distant second.

 

If it's me, I tell her to get her sorry ass in gear, grow the hell up, take responsibility and start acting like a grown women.

 

Stop taking her back. Go get your kid and spend the day with him and make sure he knows that he has at least one parent he could count on because from what you have described, she can't or wont.

 

Leave her go her way and just take care of the kid and for God sake man, find someone better then this loser. Sorry if I offend but from what you said about her it's obvious.

[chick0]

no offence taken bubbaganoosh its the facts when you look at it in black and white...just the grey area when your heart loved/loves them that makes life a bitch about the situation.

[Satu]

no offence taken bubbaganoosh its the facts when you look at it in black and white...just the grey area when your heart loved/loves them that makes life a bitch about the situation.

 

I watched a good friend die at his own hand due to alcohol. He literally drank himself to death.

 

I still struggle to understand it years later.

[chick0]

Hey guys, thought Id' just give an update as im far more lost than before and its getting to my head here...

 

Since last thursday this basically happened. That night she called me up 3 times, stuck to my nc, but then ended up picking up the phone because she called again it was aroun 6:30 p.m. she said are we going to the gym and im like ummm and she says well im already near your house and so i gave in and said ok. Gave our son food cos she had not fed him yet.... So atleast ok we went gym...

 

Friday night she came over again - we ended up going out and dancing having an enjoyable night - she stayed over and we slept together. Saturday i then took her and our son to a this spa place like a retreat it was a good night and enjoyed it.

 

Sunday she was at a wedding so didnt see her.

 

Yesterday Monday - decided ill do my nc and do it right - so no contact all day and it got to 7:30 p.m. i wasnt happy but atleast doing my thing. She then rocks up unannounced and said our son wants to go for a bike ride and i just wanted to see our cats etc. so i said fair enough... had a good night with her, she said she can not wait to go to the gym tonight with me and wants to go for another bike ride tonight...

 

I asked her what it is between us, she said she doesnt know, but she is happy where she is at, at the moment with things and does not feel any stress...

 

She is still talking to one of the guys she was seeing, the other one im not sure about - I should of kept my mouth shut last night but i told her about how they are both scam artists and have scammed people around the world with pyramid schemes etc. and why the hell would you want to hang around such low life people.

 

 

What am i to do? I do NC and see always seems to come into my life unannounced, but yet she is wanting to do good things changing her life like gym and getting fit again (helps her with her depression) but then my head is thinking ok this is good for her and if i were with her i would want to continue this and because yes i still have feelings and like her i do so, but then my head is also thinking were not together anymore why am i having to do all these good things for you and its keeping me in one spot i cant move on because you're still here and you only want me there for you because i can make things good for you

 

gosh we even talked about going out this weekend dancing again just to get out, and then going on another trail ride together as a family....

 

 

The last thing I dont understand is this: we do have a facebook together which was just for family and close friends, she changed her profile photo from the two of us, to just one of me, she tells her family we are not together and everyone close... However when we went out saturday night, another girl approached me, my ex then again started talking to her introduced herself and myself and then told the girl i am her boy friend??

 

I dont understand why to everyone close and family shes says we are split, but then has a secret life where she sees me, does things with me, still makes love with me and ****... This truly confuses me.

[hoping2heal]

POPPY OLIVE. I have done all i possibly could over 8 years to stop her drinking...believe me i have...

 

I feel incredibly sad for you to be reading this. I believe you have and I am so sorry that you ran that race which cannot be won.

 

Alchoholism is an addiction. It can be treated and managed, but it cannot be overcome without treatment and as you might well know, even treatment doesn't mean the person is ever really out of the woods.

 

An addiction renders one out of control. They cannot control their actions and their lives suffer and go all out of whack as a result. There was never anything you could have done for her. The treatment needs to be something she seeks of her own motivation - not for a boyfriend, for her children, for her family, for the sake of legal remediation. If she does not reach a point of wanting to get better for herself, she simply never will. It's a harsh reality but it is the real one.

 

You can not fix this for her. You never could. This situation is made ever more tragic by the fact that there is a child involved. Very sorry that you and that child are wrapped up in this. It's a terrible, terrible, destructive disease.

[chick0]

THANKS HOPINGTOHEAL...this is why im stil lstuck at my predicament. im keeping her motivated and happy by giving her a normal life and positive outcomes by what she does. but when shes not with me, shes talking and seeing these sleeze ball men who take her out all hours of the night drink etc. and a bad life influence

[Hija77]

This girl has issues. I know you love her and that there are kids involved, but you need to run as far and as fast as you can. I can hear how broken up you are about what's happened, but you need to let it go. From here, it sounds like you're dealing with a fully formed alcoholic. Unless she quits drinking, you're screwed. Don't let her mess your head up anymore than she already has. It's time to suck it up and move on. GOOD LUCK!!! There are better things waiting for you.

[unforgotten]

chick0 how are you doing?

[chick0]

UNFORGOTTEN, thank you for your care!!!!

 

Im actually doing ok today... Quick update:

 

From the 23rd of Jan - 26 Jan it was a long weekend in Australia for Australia day.

 

Was talking to the ex and she decided to go camping (her first time and the son) ive done it alot and she thought it would be good for he rand for the son to learn about the outdoors etc. Was an amazing weekend and it felt like we only just started dating again. I WAS BLIND SIDED, last day i wake up in the morning asking her the time, she says check the phone (her one) so click the phone and on the front screen a Viber message (messaging app) from a bloke she was seeing which said: Hi I havent heard from you all weekend is it worth me talking to you still, I never told anyone how I ****ed you the other night so dont need to worry, I only ****ed you hard because you said you like it like that, and you enjoyed being ****ed. At this moment i felt like driving 4 hours home and absolutely tearing this guy apart, but who am i to do that its her problem and her **** now.

 

That message destroyed me, I know who the guy was and its the other scam artist she was talking to - actually wanted in the usa. I kept my cool and let the day pass and made the most out of what i knew would be the last family outing we will have. I never brought it up to her yet as....

 

Since then i have been going to gym with her etc. and yes she has still been going out, getting drunk on either the weekend or through the week (last night even) going to these seedy bars with one of either guy and leaving the son god knows where - i only knew cos the son told me she went out last night...

 

So enough of the sadness - Im in a really good position and i really would like your guys help... I did try the online dating thing like a few have said... To my surprise I did meet someone 2 weeks ago - to which I never took much notice as im not a player, we talked and talked and talked and finally last week we actually spoke on the phone i asked her number and she was hesitant at first but did give it. Funnily enough she went through the exact same mess i did ( she was on the recieving end of it too). we talked for ove r4 hours every night and i played it cool and neve rasked her out or anything then last saturday she wanted to catch up, so we did (my first time doing this thing) we bloody spent 12 hours together from morning till night, kind of stuffed up, she said this is a good first date, and im like date is it a date, then shes like yeah what else would you call it, is it just catching up hey...So did the old no no youre right its a date lol... I just dont know what to do from here though...

 

We are seeing each other friday and saturday, i really like this girl, im not even sure do i ask her out officially as a girl friend, do people still do that? or do i just keep it going as it is? my ex is still in the picture as we go to gym together and it pisses me off because shes my only spotter, do i just completely get rid of her and take that leap? im just really scared i guess of letting go completely due to the fact of 8 years together although she is a cruel b**tch and i see it now how she just goes out drinking... I couldnt be happier with this girl the way we talk, she is completely opposite in every single way, no smoking drinking, no night clubs nothing. she wants to take me to museums art galleries even the library lol... completely different scene from what i was used to...she even said ill keep you busy on weekends doing these things so you never have to think about picking up a drink or alcohol...