dumped/cheated on, no second chance

[Chi townD]

Dude, for a guy in NC, you seem to run into your Ex a LOT!

 

 

I strongly urge you to avoid places that you know she might frequent. Lessen your chances of running into her. Start hanging out at new places. Establish new haunts. And do more positive changes. Take a fun class that will keep you away from those places, like a cooking class or a photography class or become dive certified, or sign up for cross fit! Then, TRAVEL! Go places and see NEW things. New people and different cultures. Pick a place you've always wanted to see; plan, save and GO!!! Get away from familiar surroundings! Get away from things that are going to remind you of your Ex! Take that time to decompress and re-energize.

[Bing]

Dude, for a guy in NC, you seem to run into your Ex a LOT!

 

LOL You're right ChiTown- it's a small town, and unless I start shopping/drinking/dating in the next town over it can't be avoided completely. I'm a pretty conspicuous guy and having done the hermit thing after BUs before, it's a fast track to depression for me and I gotta be able to get around and do my thing.

 

That said, I have been getting out of town more, as well as frequenting new places and trying to strike up/rekindle friendships outside of our immediate circle. It's hard to just blow up my life and start over, as we shared a ton of friends and interests, and as my self-esteem is returning (and reality is setting in) I realize that I don't need to 'hide' from her as much since I've given up on any hope of reconciliation/making her miss me. It's about me now, not her.

 

Plus, I've been through a couple breakups like this where I had to remain in contact with the ex for professional reasons, and while I did lose the script for a month or so after this most recent BU, I know I can keep it together and move on while she's still in my periphery. Want to forgive and accept, but won't forget how she handled it and don't want to let her back into my life unless it can't be avoided and on a superficial level. Frankly, I don't think she's even interested in that at this point but I'm not about to start probing to see if she hates me or not. Feeling like I'm starting to get on solid ground and wish us both the best.

[Riptide91]

Isn't it nice once you get to a point of clarity? One day I woke up and realized I won't waste anymore of my life over someone who doesn't even want me in theirs. The cherry blossom story hits home with me as about a week ago I took a drive down some dirt backroads and it was a beautiful day. I pulled my truck over, got out, and just enjoyed the sunshine and breeze. I thought to myself, "Life is good." Glad to hear you are doing well, keep it up.

[stillafool]

Dude, for a guy in NC, you seem to run into your Ex a LOT!

 

 

I strongly urge you to avoid places that you know she might frequent. Lessen your chances of running into her. Start hanging out at new places. Establish new haunts. And do more positive changes. Take a fun class that will keep you away from those places, like a cooking class or a photography class or become dive certified, or sign up for cross fit! Then, TRAVEL! Go places and see NEW things. New people and different cultures. Pick a place you've always wanted to see; plan, save and GO!!! Get away from familiar surroundings! Get away from things that are going to remind you of your Ex! Take that time to decompress and re-energize.

 

I completely agree with the above. You have to drop all of your volunteer work where your ex will be. You constantly running into her is setting you back whether you realize this or not. It is keeping her on your mind. In a way your friend did you a favor by telling you what your ex said about never coming back to you so now you shouldn't expect it. You really need to make some new friends and find new places to hang out. You will never heal if you continue on like this. TBH,your ex isn't all that great. She left you for a MM. Is this the type of woman you want to marry?

[Bing]

Stillafool, I agree that it is a slower path to healing. Even though I'm not touching the hot stove, standing next to it isn't a great idea either. Not making excuses, but it's really tough to just detach completely since I've been involved in our shared organizations longer than she has- but I'm also hyper-aware of my own feelings about things and have resolved to back away more (or completely) if it feels like a bad fit. Just taking it day by day and making plenty of time for myself, new friends and new experiences. I've probably scaled back 80% from what I used to do that would be considered 'shared' activities/places/people, and have thrown myself into new situations with completely different crowds. I've cut contact with a lot of friends, and can revisit those relationships down the road. And if I have to take the nuclear option of dropping out of sight completely it's always on the table- but I'm hoping that won't be necessary.

 

Oh, and that 'little bird' dropped in again last night while I was out with some friends. I politely ignored him. I refuse to engage with him any further on personal matters, but won't be a jerk unless forced to.

 

The day I described above wouldn't ever have happened while I was in the relationship, because I was depressed/hung up on old beliefs that I didn't deserve to just go do something to enjoy myself...and the BU kicked me in the a$$ to make my own happiness and fulfillment a priority. I am honest enough with myself now to know if I'm doing something because of my (dwindling) attachment to her, or if it's something I'm doing for myself. I think a lot of that is the therapy/self work I'm doing, and being able to ask myself 'what do I need right now'? and making a healthy choice for myself.

 

And I more or less agree about your estimation of her. She's not evil, and I don't think her actions were malicious, but I feel they were they were selfish and cruel (intentional or not). And I 'dodged the bullet' of asset sharing/kids etc. and am thankful that she had the guts to finally nuke it if she was so miserable. Whatever she does is her choice now, not my job to worry anymore. Every day that passes we become strangers to each other, and I'm feeling ok about that. The longer we don't speak or interact, the less likely we are to hurt each other further, and one day in the not too distant future I'll look back and smile.

 

I really appreciate all the replies. I'm using this as a sort of journal to check my progress, it's cool to see some of the other threads and people reflecting on their own journeys- I'm re-reading my stuff from a month ago and it's great to see how my perspective has changed and how I've dealt with bumps in the road. Thanks for all the advice and feedback.

[Bing]

Almost 3 months out, it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I actually FELT the betrayal I'd been denying for so long. For the past few months she's been haunting me like a phantom limb, but a few events that happened toward the end sort of 'clicked' in my head and things started to make sense. She had been cheating for a while, and was looking for an argument to blow it up, and gaslight me into thinking it was all my fault. I was so trusting and naive that I couldn't wrap my brain around it.

 

I've read similar stories and had people try to tell me this, but to actually have it connect in my brain- i broke down again. All of the idealization of her and the devaluing of myself is starting to drop away. Denial is a hell of a thing. It felt like getting dumped all over again, and it's probably not the last time I'm going to feel this way but it's almost a relief to actually feel myself healing and grieving instead of distracting and fooling myself that she was 'the one'.

[Chi townD]

Welcome to your first step in real healing.

 

 

Always remember that her cheating wasn't your fault. It was her choice and you have nothing to do with that.

 

 

Use this site as a safe place to vent anytime you want. People will be here to listen.

[Bing]

After a great visit with the T, finally sat down last night and started the unsent letter I've been putting off. I've written the weepy ones, the flowery apologetic ones, the hurt ones- but last night, I finally wrote the one where you just let 'er rip and write out all the angry, hateful stuff. I had to stop because my hand was cramping up. Stuff I didn't realize at all during the r/s coming out on the page- everything from the little boundary-pushing tests, to the big stuff-the distancing, the emotional withholding, the temper tantrums. Her immaturity, impulsivity and irresponsibility getting thrown back on me as being 'scared' and 'afraid'. She wasn't only a crappy girlfriend, she was a bad friend. Despite my flaws, I was doing all the work and thinking about US when she was just taking and thinking about herself.

 

If you're healing/recovering, this unsent letter is a must-do. Wish I'd done this months ago. Smash that pedestal with a sledgehammer.

 

Today is the day I stop feeling like a victim, and that I have to hide or be ashamed. I accept my part in the breakdown of the relationship, and am working on myself to be the man I want to be for myself, and if I'm lucky, share that with a mature, emotionally healthy partner in the future. I don't have to be afraid or worry when I'm in public. I deserve better and demand better in my life. I hope she never contacts me again, so that I don't have to compromise myself to dignify her with any response.

[Bing]

I've had a really hard time concentrating at work since the b/u, and realized today that since I work in an office by myself, it's easy to sit and ruminate. Feel like having that much alone time is hindering my healing. Had a good convo with a coworker who grieved the loss of a parent, and described the process as replacing the things that hurt over time with things that bring you peace and joy. Trying to practice self-validation when I catch myself getting depressed, but it's hard to stop when you start replaying the tapes in your head.

 

Been thinking a lot about personal integrity and character, and wanting to develop these things in myself. I've spent much of my life trying to make others happy and expect the same (and set myself up for disappointment), but realizing the best path is to be a strong person and only accept others into my life with the same strength of character. Living my core values. Showing up, being consistent and making sure I express myself through action. Bending whichever way the wind blows got me into this mess.

 

As I've started to make new friends and get out more, it's weird to see red flags in people now that I wouldn't have picked up on before. I have a new friend that I think I may have to 'dump' because she cannot stand to share my attention with others. She's fun to be around, but recognizing that I'm still vulnerable to toxic people means I need to really consider who I choose to keep company with. Interesting times. Got some fun social stuff and some 'me' time scheduled for the weekend so I don't mope around too much. I can't wait to meet the new 'me' a year from now.

[dreamingoftigers]

It gets better.

 

Just be so glad that you can go NC with your cheater.

 

Imagine if you got married, had kids and then he became stepdaddy and you got to be every-other-weekend Dad.

 

Wouldn't that just be frigging awful?

[Bing]

Overall, a good weekend. I've found those are the hardest times to be with myselfsince that's when I have the most time on my hands to let my mind wander. Slowly acclimating to not having a presence in my life that I believed I could rely on, and trying to be that for myself. A friend mentioned that he bumped into my ex over the weekend and it knocked me back- politely asked him not to mention details ever again, but was surprised what an effect just being reminded of her had on me.

 

Spent a lot of time walking around and reading a book on codependency, and reflecting on my experience with setting boundaries. Also realized that so much of the pain from her leaving and jumping into something else comes from a strong fear of abandonment, and that had a lot to do with the baggage I brought into the r/s. I think a lot of my need to be loved/accepted/cared for caused friction in the r/s, and she didn't know how or wasn't capable of dealing with it- and at the time, neither was I. Old hurts coming to the surface. I want to forgive her and myself and let go of the anger and fear. Not sure how to get there on an emotional level.

 

As I've been connecting the dots to all the times I've felt abandonment in my life, I'm finding that the waves of grief have become more intense. Not sure if I'm getting better or worse in my healing, it's been 3 months now and I still feel numb.

 

Trying to do more 'self-love' activities but that mainly consists of long walks (&analyzing/ruminating), coffee and reading, and as many social dates as I can schedule. I feel like I don't know who I am or what I like to do, and I'm afraid to go back to old habits and things that brought me comfort/diversion because I feel 'the old me' was the guy wasn't good enough to maintain a healthy relationship or be strong/aware enough to leave an unhealthy one, and I don't want to be that person anymore. Anyone else have this experience? If so, how did you deal with it?

[Chi townD]

What you need to do is plan fun things to do on the weekend. Go online and look. You may find out that they have a musical festival happening two towns over! Or jump a train and go to the closest big city near you and catch a baseball game or something.

 

 

Set yourself up with something fun to do, then it gives you something to look forward to instead of dread you may feel for the coming weekend.

[dangerbang]

You're doing well and it sounds like you have a good social network, you should consider yourself lucky for that. As people get older a lot of people don't have many options that way as everyone else is settled down.

I think you could do with working on thinking too much. Try meditation. Look up a book called "Stop thinking, start living". It's really helped me.

[Bing]

I wouldn't have seen her if she hadn't reached out and grabbed me. I was walking to meet up with someone when I feel a hand on my arm. She tried to do the 'hey how are you thing' and I was curt and brief with her before moving on. I know we're supposed to smile and be light during these chance encounters, but I've never been good at hiding what I'm feeling. She must have seen the hurt and anger on my face.

 

After a few days to think about how I wanted to move forward, I sent a final text. telling her that I wasn't ok with things, and I didn't appreciate getting sucked into polite chit chat- and to leave me alone. So I guess that's that.

 

I hate having to show my hand, but I'm still working through all my own stuff as well as getting over the r/s ending and I just can't be around her at all without getting knocked back a few steps.

[Tone Loc]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, I can relate to that on a level. You're already on track, keep up with NC (no more emails, texts, calls or smoke signals please) and move forward. This is your life, you're still a young man and you've got your life ahead of you. Don't let her ruin your life because she's not worth it. Any woman who gives herself away to another man so easily and cheats on you is not a woman worth having, you must remind yourself of this. She chose another man over you, and there's absolutely no chance that you should ever try to get back with her. Don't beat yourself up too much about whatever mistakes you think you made or things you could have done differently. Don't let her make you feel guilty about your choices or actions, what's done is done and now she's history. Do yourself a massive favour and never contact her again, it's the only way you'll heal. And you will find a good loving woman who's also self-respecting and knows a thing or two about common decency and values so she won't give herself away to another man. Just be patient, she'll come. In the meantime, don't put your life on hold on account of a woman who cheated on you and left you for another man. She did you a favour, you were ready to marry her and move in with her yet she clearly wasn't on the same page as you...yeah you dodged a bullet, she's someone else's problem now and she'll cheat on him as well and run him into the ground. Hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson. Don't feel guilty of upset, this wasn't your fault, there's no way you could have seen this coming. Move forward with your life my friend and don't look back. You're better off without that nasty piece of work.

[EgoJoe]

What you did was very strong. You were dismissive of a nuisance and you set a boundary. Good job.

[Bing]

Overall, my life is so much better 4 months post b/u. I've hit my fitness goals, have gotten into a groove with new friends and new activities, work is good and I'm starting to work on some new career goals. I've taken a lot of time to learn about self-care, boundaries, attachments and validation and feel like I'm looking at all the relationships in my life differently. I'm still triggered by the sight of her, which fortunately hasn't been much of an issue since I'm able to avoid her for the most part. Being aware of and practicing healthy boundaries is a huge thing, as it's something I've not been aware of before.

 

I've continued to date and have had some good experiences, even though most of them were non-starters- I was able to be honest with myself and with them about where we are and where things might be heading. It's all been fun and low pressure, which is nice.

 

I bumped into the OM/her current partner this week and shot him a mean look...haven't seen him since things blew up and it brought up a lot of anger. He knew me before I dated my ex, and he knew we were in a r/s when they hooked up. Every time I think I'm really healing, something like this pops up and reminds me that I still have some work to do to get past it.

 

To those of you that were cheated/dumped, how did you get past the anger toward the OM/OW?

[Chi townD]

Takes time dude. The pain and anger will lessen in time. Maybe when you reach your career goals you might want to think about a transfer? New town or city, new people....a fresh start.

[Bing]

It's been a while since I posted, I've been busy with work and social activities. I re-engaged with a couple groups I'd been avoiding since the B/U and in general have been feeling like my 'old' self pre-r/s. Taking a stand to get some distance really helped speed up healing, as I wasn't worried about my ex popping up and wanting to talk/ease her guilt/whatever. I've definitely grown and changed in a lot of positive ways. Dating, active, in great shape, emotionally healthier, taking care of my own needs and generally enjoying life again.

 

Since we both are still involved with the volunteer org and I pretty plainly stated that I wanted her to stay away from me a month ago, I've seen her on a couple of occasions basically thinking on it, I decided to reach out and let her know that I accepted everything as it was, I needed space to process my emotions and now I'm going to be showing up at the org more, and that I'd like to get to a neutral place with her regarding that business. didn't seek any further conversation, but wanted to clear the air.

 

I'm tired of the mutual avoiding among mutual friends, and have gotten to a place where it feels like it takes more energy to stay angry than it's worth. telling her to stay away isn't going to change the past or teach her a lesson, and it's not my job to illustrate how much of an a-hole she's been. she'll either get it or she won't, and I want to take that energy and give it back to myself. I feel like I'm ready to do the civil 'smile and wave' and not have people texting one of us if the other is in the vicinity. I'm ok with the breakup, still not ok with the cheating, but ready to move past it and get on with my life. My involvement with the org is more important than a grudge over old business that I can't change.

 

⬇Here's where you all tell me I'm a fool for breaking NC.⬇