Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) I've been really wanting a girlfriend now for many years. The only thing I've been able to get is the occasional once in a great while fling with a woman I felt zero real attraction to. I see guys all around me with attractive girlfriends, what the hell are they doing that I'm not doing? - I would consider myself at least OK looking, I've gotten compliments my entire life for being handsome, dressing well, etc... but figure worst case scenario maybe average. I work out 5 times a week - I am extremely successful. I kind of stumbled into this job that's allowing me to make more money than I could have ever hoped for. I have my own house and just live an awesome lifestyle. Very grateful honestly - I socialize and meet people all the time. I go out 3 times a week, go to sports events, concerts, nice restaurants, etc... etc... I have lots of great friends and I like talking to people. - I live in a city of about 140K people that's 45 minutes away from a huge city - I'm college educated and I can hold a pretty good conversation on any subject matter. - I'm looking for a girlfriend all the way. Sex by itself doesn't hold a lot of value to me I just cannot, for the life of me, find any decent looking women who really are attracted to me at all or who would open to me asking them out. What the hell is wrong with me? Picture of me if you guys are curious what I look like - apologize for not having any better ones, this is the only one I got right now - http://s24.postimg.org/cxg7vhibp/2015_02_24_17_11_19.jpg I'm going for decent looking women my age who are also in decent shape. Am I trying to bat out of my league? Should I stick to overweight women or other women I'm not really attracted to? Edited February 25, 2015 by Agalloch7
Echo74 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Well you look like a good looking guy. From what you state you are financially stable and open to doing things. I can only speak to what attracts me, someone who is confident but humble, patience, integrity, sincerity, someone who is a gentleman, I am NOT a feminist so I like a guy who will open the door for me and seat me when dining out. I also like someone who can be creative and romantic. That said, maybe you just haven't found the person who can appreciate you and what you offer. Just be patient and be confident (but humble). Good luck!
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Well you look like a good looking guy. From what you state you are financially stable and open to doing things. I can only speak to what attracts me, someone who is confident but humble, patience, integrity, sincerity, someone who is a gentleman, I am NOT a feminist so I like a guy who will open the door for me and seat me when dining out. I also like someone who can be creative and romantic. That said, maybe you just haven't found the person who can appreciate you and what you offer. Just be patient and be confident (but humble). Good luck! I'm definitely a gentleman. I like treating people well. I would love to have a GF to spoil (assuming of course she's not a gold digger, I want nothing to do with gold diggers) and I am patient, but damn, I've been waiting for a long time now
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 What have you done so far to find that special lady?
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 What have you done so far to find that special lady? I try to go out and talk to people as much as I can I tried online dating a few years ago and it was just an absolutely miserable failure
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I try to go out and talk to people as much as I can I tried online dating a few years ago and it was just an absolutely miserable failure Nowadays if you are single and refusing to be online you are denying yourself the biggest pool of single women. You're a good looking man, stable, articulate, active, no reasons for you to fail at online. You need good pictures though, not that one lol, you're not even trying to crack a smile. 1
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Nowadays if you are single and refusing to be online you are denying yourself the biggest pool of single women. You're a good looking man, stable, articulate, active, no reasons for you to fail at online. You need good pictures though, not that one lol, you're not even trying to crack a smile. I tried online dating before with pictures that everybody said I looked very handsome in - much better pics than that one obviously, a profile that everybody said was well written and messages tailored specifically to women's profiles Out of the 60 messages I sent, I received 1 response and it went nowhere (wasn't even a lady I was all that into). I understand dating is a numbers game and I would have been okay receiving maybe say 10 responses and a few dates out of it but to get nothing was just incredibly frustrating. I hate to say it but it damaged my confidence as well online dating seems to only be an option for men who want to go way, way below their league in dating. Average looking women on there seem to want perfection. The cute ones want a movie star or something Edited February 25, 2015 by Agalloch7 1
fitnessfan365 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 1) It's great that you have confidence and self esteem. But even though you're a legend in your own mind, it doesn't mean that's how others perceive you. 2) If you go into things with a "I want a girlfriend" mentality you will come across as too needy and pleasing with women. Be more indifferent and keep things simple. Approach a woman you're interested in and get her number. Make plans and take it one date at a time. You're only mindset should be to go out, have fun, and hook up. If the connection is there, she'll reach out more and things will get more serious naturally. But you can't have a "relationship" mindset before you build sexual attraction and just enjoy each other's company on a regular basis. 3
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I tried online dating before with pictures that everybody said I looked very handsome in - much better pics than that one obviously, a profile that everybody said was well written and messages tailored specifically to women's profiles Out of the 60 messages I sent, I received 1 response and it went nowhere (wasn't even a lady I was all that into). I understand dating is a numbers game and I would have been okay receiving maybe say 10 responses and a few dates out of it but to get nothing was just incredibly frustrating. I hate to say it but it damaged my confidence as well online dating seems to only be an option for men who want to go way, way below their league in dating. Average looking women on there seem to want perfection. The cute ones want a movie star or something Dear, online dating will not give you an instant girlfriend. Sometimes people have to be at it for 2-3-4 years. Also you said you tried it years ago, now you are older and the women you are aiming at are also older and more mature as well. If you absolutely do not want to try online then book yourself into groups, meet-ups, sports, tell everyone you know, family, friends, colleagues, that you are looking in case they know someone. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 It sounds like you socialize a good amount. Do your friends have girlfriends? If so, how did they get them? Also I would think sometimes it could be the city you're in. If you are in a big city (140K) outside a major metro area, sometimes that's code for suburbs. Which is not a bad thing in itself but probably not the easiest for dating. Use the big city near you more. That's my first recommendation. Tell us more specifics and we will give more advice.
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 1) It's great that you have confidence and self esteem. But even though you're a legend in your own mind, it doesn't mean that's how others perceive you. Who said I'm a legend in my own mind? I said "I would consider myself at least OK looking, I've gotten compliments my entire life for being handsome, dressing well, etc... but figure worst case scenario maybe average." That's a legend in my own mind to call oneself maybe average looking? 2) If you go into things with a "I want a girlfriend" mentality you will come across as too needy and pleasing with women. Be more indifferent and keep things simple. Approach a woman you're interested in and get her number. Make plans and take it one date at a time. You're only mindset should be to go out, have fun, and hook up. If the connection is there, she'll reach out more and things will get more serious naturally. But you can't have a "relationship" mindset before you build sexual attraction and just enjoy each other's company on a regular basis. I totally get that but I meant to say that I'm not just looking to get laid I'm all about quality, don't care about quantity
londonlady82 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Adopt the mentality that you're not looking for a relationship; you're looking for the right person.
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Dear, online dating will not give you an instant girlfriend. Sometimes people have to be at it for 2-3-4 years. So you have to send out 5000000000000 messages to get one date? If you absolutely do not want to try online then book yourself into groups, meet-ups, sports, tell everyone you know, family, friends, colleagues, that you are looking in case they know someone. I don't mind trying online dating if I was to know that I would have a fairly reasonable success rate. Sending out a million messages to get nothing is incredibly frustrating, and yes, it does eat at your confidence and psyche everything else you talked about there, I've pretty much tried (except for meet up groups, but that has very mixed feedback)
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 It sounds like you socialize a good amount. Do your friends have girlfriends? If so, how did they get them? They met them through work, friends of friends, going out, etc... all the avenues that I try and fail miserably at Also I would think sometimes it could be the city you're in. If you are in a big city (140K) outside a major metro area, sometimes that's code for suburbs. Which is not a bad thing in itself but probably not the easiest for dating. Use the big city near you more. That's my first recommendation. Tell us more specifics and we will give more advice. it is suburbs but there are a good amount of younger people here as well
londonlady82 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I understand how demoralising it is not receiving messages back on dating sites. I've had that happen to me loads of times What did the messages you sent used to say exactly?
fitnessfan365 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Who said I'm a legend in my own mind? I said "I would consider myself at least OK looking, I've gotten compliments my entire life for being handsome, dressing well, etc... but figure worst case scenario maybe average." That's a legend in my own mind to call oneself maybe average looking? I totally get that but I meant to say that I'm not just looking to get laid I'm all about quality, don't care about quantity Your entire post was listing off your accomplishments and why you feel you should be attracting women. As I said, I think it's cool that you actually have self esteem and confidence in yourself. But my point was that nothing ever guarantees success with women. Since they're emotional creatures, you have to be able to communicate the right way with women and push their buttons. That has nothing to do with looks, the way you dress, your income, or where you went to school.
losangelena Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Is this you? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/515681-should-i-go-exclusively-go-after-ethnic-black-women http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/515354-real-reason-why-i-m-terrible-dating I feel like we keep giving you the same feedback, but I'm guessing it's not what you want to hear, given that you keep making new accounts but essentially ask the same questions. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Ok well just hang in there a minute. First of all, I know you are telling us your frustrations so some leeway is allowed for being open and frustrated at the moment. But in general, you have to BELIEVE that this person could be just around the corner. It's a subtle shift but very important. If you focus on all the can'ts and all the disappointments, in some way, even with all your accomplishments, feeling that way shows through. There's also something about feeling more in the moment that in your own way makes you more the life of the party--even if you are not dancing on top of tables. It's just a love of your own life that will attract people toward you rather than when you feel like you're missing something (this girlfriend) people feel that part and it pushes them away. I think you should do stuff with your guy friends and their girl friends more often--EVEN if you are the 3rd or 5th wheel. Girls are the best dating service you ever wanted. They will think: he's this cute guy who is successful and want to help one of their girl friends out and will bring along before some point. You can even ask one of them to set you up as you all get to be closer friends. I'm just going to guess this part so forgive me if I'm wrong. I would guess that you are a focused person. Like when you're working, you're 100% focused and driven during that and when you are looking for a girlfriend the same. A lot of these "life" moments happen when you least expect it. So I would say loosen up a little bit. Gym is not just for gym, work is not just for work, starbucks is not just for coffee, etc. And DATING is JUST for fun. I know i'm speaking in kind of vague terms but I think if you can apply some of these things to your life, she is not far off. Good luck 1
Macattack Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 OP the odds are against you. I guess you have to be patient or you will have to date over weight women. Go to the very bottom to look at the numbers. Overweight and Obesity, Women's Health USA 2011
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Ok well just hang in there a minute. First of all, I know you are telling us your frustrations so some leeway is allowed for being open and frustrated at the moment. But in general, you have to BELIEVE that this person could be just around the corner. It's a subtle shift but very important. If you focus on all the can'ts and all the disappointments, in some way, even with all your accomplishments, feeling that way shows through. There's also something about feeling more in the moment that in your own way makes you more the life of the party--even if you are not dancing on top of tables. It's just a love of your own life that will attract people toward you rather than when you feel like you're missing something (this girlfriend) people feel that part and it pushes them away. I think you should do stuff with your guy friends and their girl friends more often--EVEN if you are the 3rd or 5th wheel. Girls are the best dating service you ever wanted. They will think: he's this cute guy who is successful and want to help one of their girl friends out and will bring along before some point. You can even ask one of them to set you up as you all get to be closer friends. This is all good advice but I already do everything you're talking about. I've asked them to set me up with their friends but the friends usually end up liking someone else in our social circle There's like some sort of an invisible boundary around me where no decent looking woman ever wants to come near me I'm just going to guess this part so forgive me if I'm wrong. I would guess that you are a focused person. Like when you're working, you're 100% focused and driven during that and when you are looking for a girlfriend the same. A lot of these "life" moments happen when you least expect it. So I would say loosen up a little bit. Gym is not just for gym, work is not just for work, starbucks is not just for coffee, etc. And DATING is JUST for fun. I know i'm speaking in kind of vague terms but I think if you can apply some of these things to your life, she is not far off. Good luck I'm definitely very focused and very analytic in a lot of ways but I can loosen up and have a lot of fun too... especially when I go out and I have 2 or 3 drinks, I'm all about having fun and I'm in a great mood
Echo74 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Another thing, be approachable. Smile or at least keep your mouth in a slight smile so you have a happy confident "resting" face. I've been practicing that for years because I think with age I can be perceived as unapproachable. Maybe you can try a different online dating site, eHarmony looks good if you haven't tried it yet. They seem to have tons of questions for matching people. Oh, and don't do things, even when with your friends, to make girls think you're a "player". That would ward me off to a guy. Edited February 25, 2015 by Echo74
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Another thing, be approachable. Smile or at least keep your mouth in a slight smile so you have a happy confident "resting" face. I've been practicing that for years because I think with age I can be perceived as unapproachable. I'm very approachable... I'm extremely nice to everyone I smile all the time and I'm generally in a good mood. Maybe you can try a different online dating site, eHarmony looks good if you haven't tried it yet. They seem to have tons of questions for matching people. Oh, and don't do things to make girls think you're a "player". That would ward me off to a guy. I'm debating trying e-harmony. It's just so much damn work to go through all the questions and considering that's it's online dating, I imagine the odds of success are still astronomical. With regular dating, at least you're not wasting that much time on something that's about the same chance as winning the lottery for men Edited February 25, 2015 by Agalloch7
Author Agalloch7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 I understand how demoralising it is not receiving messages back on dating sites. I've had that happen to me loads of times who are you messaging? Brad Pitt or Tom Brady? or maybe Channing Tatum? I kid I kid
darkbloom Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 when you stop looking is when you will find her. 2
BluEyeL Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Online dating works, but like Gaeta said, it takes a couple of years or so. Not 60 messages. You look good, but maybe you're short. That would be a disadvantage. Maybe you're personality is not too attractive. Who knows? You also don't take advantage of online dating. Even if you have to send hundreds of messages, there is an infinite supply of women there and you have nothing to loose.
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