Real Reason Why I'm Terrible At Dating

[JimmyBucket]

I've tried to analyze myself over and over again over last couple of weeks to try figure out what's wrong with me. What it comes down to is that I just cannot put myself out there and take the risks required to have any success in dating. A combination of fear of failure, a little bit of fear of success (I've made myself almost believe sometimes that I'm not worthy of being loved) and a fear of being judged is what kills me. I feel like being rejected is a direct judgement and reflection of my competence as a man. I also don't feel worthy of being loved because I feel like I have to be impossibly perfect beyond perfect for a woman to like me. There is no amount of positive emotions that I feel about myself that makes me feel like I have enough to attract women, I still feel like I have to be the greatest thing to ever live in the world for a cute girl to like me I know these thoughts are irrational but getting rid of them is so damn hard. I go out with my friends all the time and trying to force myself to make a move on a girl I like is almost like pulling teeth without anesthesia. I also feel like approaching women is extremely annoying to them. In my mind, no woman ever wants to get approached or talk to men anywhere.

 

It's funny, a lot of this is what has fueled me so hard to make the absolute best of myself in every other area of my life. I've long hoped that excellence in every other area would help lead to some reasonably easy opportunities but it just hasn't worked out like that. I'm just not quite good looking enough or white looking enough (that's my real flaw, I look great for my race but women all like white men for most part) to get those natural opportunities that really great looking men get. The thing is that I still have a good enough personality where if I talked to 20 women with a great attitude, at least one of them would want to date me. I know I'm likable, I'm intelligent, friendly, caring, ambitious, driven and I do lead a great lifestyle.

 

I kinda know what I have to do but I still find it impossibly difficult for myself. I almost have a mental block similar to someone who has been struggling with an ailment for 10 years, where mentally it's just very hard to snap out of it

Edited February 13, 2015 by JimmyBucket

[losangelena]

It's not uncommon, what you're feeling. It's also, thankfully, not indicative of reality.

 

No one is perfect. The right woman will not expect you to be perfect—nor will any woman worth being with.

 

However, dating IS a risk. It's a huge risk. But you have to think that if so many millions of people—people who are less successful, less charming, less intelligent, less good-looking, less white-looking, can do it, so can you.

 

I've heard before, and I agree that, the attitude of, "I'm so unworthy of love," is arrogance turned inside out. It's the opposite side of the same dirty coin. Instead of saying, "I'm so special because I'm better than everyone else," it's, "I'm so special because I'm worse than everyone else." I'm not saying you're arrogant, and it's not meant to insult you, or to say that's how you feel, it's just an interesting thing I've read, and have seen in my own life, actually and is something I've had to work to get over.

 

The fact of the matter is that you and I are not better than anyone else, or worse than anyone else. You, all of you, your good aspects and bad, are worthy of love. And those guys who make it look so easy, it's probably not for them either. They're just more willing to TAKE those risks that are inherent in dating. They could be shaking in their booties, but you'd never know.

 

I think this kind of self awareness will take you far, OP. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

[JimmyBucket]

It's not uncommon, what you're feeling. It's also, thankfully, not indicative of reality.

 

No one is perfect. The right woman will not expect you to be perfect—nor will any woman worth being with.

 

However, dating IS a risk. It's a huge risk. But you have to think that if so many millions of people—people who are less successful, less charming, less intelligent, less good-looking, less white-looking, can do it, so can you.

 

I've heard before, and I agree that, the attitude of, "I'm so unworthy of love," is arrogance turned inside out. It's the opposite side of the same dirty coin. Instead of saying, "I'm so special because I'm better than everyone else," it's, "I'm so special because I'm worse than everyone else." I'm not saying you're arrogant, and it's not meant to insult you, or t'''o say that's how you feel, it's just an interesting thing I've read, and have seen in my own life, actually and is something I've had to work to get over.

 

The fact of the matter is that you and I are not better than anyone else, or worse than anyone else. You, all of you, your good aspects and bad, are worthy of love. And those guys who make it look so easy, it's probably not for them either. They're just more willing to TAKE those risks that are inherent in dating. They could be shaking in their booties, but you'd never know.

 

I think this kind of self awareness will take you far, OP. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

 

 

I don't think I'm worse than anybody, I actually have a very high opinion of myself

 

I just have it convinced in my mind that no woman wants to talk to men at all and no woman will like me because they all want the greatest man to ever exist. I'm so defeatist about it, so unrealistic

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

It's normal to feel down about rejection, or failed success, but coming here isn't going to help you unless you're asking for advice on how to improve.

 

 

Our pity or sympathy isn't going to help you - quite the contrary in fact.

 

 

You can either sit there and wallow, or ruck the **** up and carry on. You sound likable enough - you're already ahead of most guys. If you're worried about your physical image, join a gym and bust ass - that will boost your confidence levels sky high.

[JimmyBucket]

It's normal to feel down about rejection, or failed success, but coming here isn't going to help you unless you're asking for advice on how to improve.

 

 

Our pity or sympathy isn't going to help you - quite the contrary in fact.

 

Not looking for sympathy

 

I just gotta find a way to rewire my brain

 

 

You can either sit there and wallow, or ruck the **** up and carry on. You sound likable enough - you're already ahead of most guys. If you're worried about your physical image, join a gym and bust ass - that will boost your confidence levels sky high.

lol, I got that part covered bruh

 

 

Edited February 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Filling your GAP]

Using some physiological triggers could really serve you! You seem like you are a lot more self-aware than a lot of people walking this earth! It sounds like perhaps you have some "life decisions" that are not serving you, and if you could do some exercises that "blow them up", you could change the little voices that are sabotaging you! It is not easy, but when you can do this for yourself, it truly will change your life because you will create this new trigger, and anytime you start to slip back into that negativity, you use your trigger to snap it right back!! You are definitely on the right track with the gym as well. When we are physically in good shape, our confidence goes up, our emotional shape goes up, and we just perform better in every aspect.

[slizl]

Maybe not all women want to talk to men, but most women (and men) like an ego boost. The way that I look at talking to women is that worst case, I made them feel a little better about their day.

 

At my last job, I worked with a super sweet woman in her mid 40s. One day during her lunch break, she was hit on by a younger man and she was floored! She literally said that it made her day and that she couldn't wait to tell her husband!

 

Moral of the story, worst case, as long as you are not super weird or creepy, look at it like making someone's day.

[JimmyBucket]

Maybe not all women want to talk to men, but most women (and men) like an ego boost. The way that I look at talking to women is that worst case, I made them feel a little better about their day.

 

At my last job, I worked with a super sweet woman in her mid 40s. One day during her lunch break, she was hit on by a younger man and she was floored! She literally said that it made her day and that she couldn't wait to tell her husband!

 

Moral of the story, worst case, as long as you are not super weird or creepy, look at it like making someone's day.

 

 

Good perspective

[preraph]

If you continue to achieve things for yourself, that will help build up your self-esteem. But what might be nice is to find out who tore it down to begin with and talk through that in therapy. Working on yourself is the best thing to do. A woman can't make you whole or make you love yourself.