thummper Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Bama, was your wife engaged in an EA or a PA? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 For the record, did you actually use the word "whore" with your children? I don't even think the biggest of the exposure fundamentalists would agree with using that word with children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Your actions point that you are stressed, and sometimes it's good to follow your instincts, and your instinct told you to expose. There's nothing wrong with it and and you shouldn't care about her opinion abou it. . You should take care of your self, including your hurt ego. You needed to gain some control of your life and by exposing her you indeed took some control. The only thing you should try to avoid is involving your children. leave them out of your battle with your wife. I don't judge you, you improvised and that's the result. But you can fix it by keeping them out of everything. You can even tell her that you're sorry you exposed it to your children that way, and offer her to sit together, you, her and the children and have a family talk, and show them together that you both love them, and always will, that dad and moms problems are things between grown up people. Maybe you should both have a session with a professional therapist who will advise you how to talk to your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) People, get off this guys back. Sure, he told his kids. But you know what? He'd of had nothing to tell if his skank of a wife didn't have an affair. You have an affair? Exposing your affair is fair game. She might not like it, but then the guy doesn't like being cheated on either. Even worse, I can get some posters saying he shouldn't of told the kids. But saying he had no right to inform the boss is Bull with a capital B. He has every right. This happened with a co-worker. Lesson here? Don't have an affair with a co-worker. He had a knee-jerk reaction, but people harped and harped on that instead of the true guilty party here: his wife. Would I of told the kids? Not right now, but I'd of damn sure made sure they knew the type of person their mother was once they are older. Would I of told the boss? OH HELL YES. She f*cked a co worker, sorry, it's fair game to tell the boss. Shouldn't of banged a co-worker then. If she uses your actions as an excuse to "hate" you it just goes to show you are better off without this trampy woman in your life. Any person with a shred of integrity would of realized "yeah, my actions played a HUGE part in why this happened" but your wife won't see that, because trash never does see themselves for what they are. Also people? Make no mistake: this man did not involve his children, the wife did. There would of been nothing to tell if she hadn't spread her legs for a co-worker. Actions have consequences, even though I know part of being a cheater is being so utterly selfish you don't realize this, but they have consequences. The husbands reaction wasn't perfect, but there would of been nothing to react to if the wife had..acted like a decent person and how a wife is supposed to act. If she wants to know who is responsible for her kids finding out she just needs to look in the mirror. His reaction wasn't right, but then again you can't expect a man just finding out about the worst betrayal ever to be acting rational afterwards. I give him a kudos, maybe I wouldn't of told the kids right away, but telling her family and her boss? You get a friggin gold star. Cheaters should be exposed to as many people as possible. Hey if they didn't want exposure they shouldn't of cheated, nobody can expose you for cheating if you never actually cheat. At least now her boss and her family know the type of person they are dealing with. Edited February 24, 2015 by Spectre 11 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Road, does it sound to you like the OP gave timely thought to making his children aware of what was happening or rather that he impulsively pushed his agenda onto them? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Just google Dr. Harley. IMO, a total quack. Dr. Harley preaches that the only way to survive infidelity is to expose, expose, expose! So we have even doctors who think exposing is good. Yet..people still harp on this guy for exposing the shady sh*t his WIFE did. I mean..I have no kids, but here is my thing: if I do have kids and I act like a big piece of sh*t to them and show utter disrespect to my family then that family has every right to be informed what a big heaping pile of dung I am. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Make no mistake: this man did not involve his children, the wife did. Spectre, that is nonsense. That's saying "I didn't shoot X, the gun did." The wife had a responsibility to her children. She failed that. The husband had a responsibility to his children. He failed that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) Spectre, that is nonsense. That's saying "I didn't shoot X, the gun did." It's not nonsense. There would of been nothing to tell if she hadn't been banging other dudes. Even if you want to say it wasn't 100% on her, to act like none of it falls on her? Is damn ridiculous. She cheated, she banged a co worker, she did this to her family, not anyone else. Also no, don't get it twisted. They BOTH had a responsibility to their children and they BOTH failed, period. When you have kids and you bang other dudes you are not just cheating on your husband. People who don't realize this should not ever have children or get married. Your gun analogy falls very flat. A gun is an inanimate object. It CAN'T MAKE ITS OWN CHOICES. This guy and his wife are both capable of making their own choices. So nope, part of this is on her shoulders, not just hubby's. Edited February 24, 2015 by Spectre 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 OP Ignore these people taking swipes at you . You have s totally unremorseful wife who is ass deep in the betrayal of your marriage , who left her phone where your child found evidence . Your kids are calling the OM asking for him to leave your wife alone and people are beating up on you.? Ridiculous. None of this would have happened without her affair. Where is the outrage at her behavior. I guess they expect you to beg her to stop , lie to your kids, and make sure she is comfortable At work so that her affair can go on without interruption. You do whatever you need to do to knock her ass either off the fence or out of your house. And don't you leave . You are not the cheater here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 All she has to do is leave. I've asked to leave on numerous occasions but she won't. Therefore, I'm going to do everything in my power to fight for my family. For goodness sake just put her out! Your family is your kids. That will never change. Your wife does not want you anymore, please take her at her word and prepare to move on with your family without her. You don't need her to be a family. Your kids are your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 It's not nonsense. There would of been nothing to tell if she hadn't been banging other dudes. Even if you want to say it wasn't 100% on here, to act like none of it falls on her? Is damn ridiculous. She cheated, she banged a co worker, she did this to her family, not anyone else. Also no, don't get it twisted. They BOTH had a responsibility to their children and they BOTH failed, period. When you have kids and you bang other dudes you are not just cheating on your husband. People who don't realize this should not ever have children or get married.Correct, if she hadn't had an affair, there'd be nothing to tell. She created a problem that was directly transferred to the husband. He created a problem that was directly transferred to the children. You won't convince me that those children's best interests were in mind when he came screaming and carrying about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I would have exposed it to everyone as well. I feel bad for you. It really sucks going through this. If you have your kids with you I personally just suggest you file for divorce and for full custody. I know as hard as that is to hear your better off in the long run not having her in your life or your kids lives. I am not saying she shouldn't get visitation but the kids are so much better off with someone that doesn't intentionally hurt them. You can try to save your marriage but ask yourself what kind of a life will you live after you do that. Wil it be worth it wondering what games she is playing now. Your kids deserve better. Sadly not all people are decent people and your best to just move on and teach your kids they deserve better. I went through this and in the end I kicked my xW out. I kept the kids. There is not a day that goes by that I regret that decision. My life is better and so are my kids lives. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 As a responsible adult, the husband(father) should have taken it upon himself to usher the children into this confusion in a timely and sensitive way. The fact that one of the children lashed out at him and that a child called the OM gives us a pretty strong sense of how unbridled emotions were. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Correct, if she hadn't had an affair, there'd be nothing to tell. She created a problem that was directly transferred to the husband. He created a problem that was directly transferred to the children. You won't convince me that those children's best interests were in mind when he came screaming and carrying about. I never said it was their best interests. What I'm saying is, the wife is responsible. She spread her legs, so her hubby spread the truth. It sucks, but hey..that is why you don't cheat. She wants to know who is to blame for this mess? She needs a mirror. Also nope, the problem she created was transferred to her entire family, not her hubby. You don't get to cop out by saying it doesn't effect the kids, so nope, she spread this to not only her hubby, but kids. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Bamawsp I feel for you. Been down that road years ago but luckily without kids. The emotions you are feeling are so strong and you just don't know which way to turn. I don't think you did anything wrong apart from exposing divorce. You should have also exposed her affair. For those castising you, I would ignore. You did what you felt you needed to do in a situation brought on by your wife. I hope you realise your wife is not worth any of your time and effort. There is life after divorce, I can assure you. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 As a responsible adult, the husband(father) should have taken it upon himself to usher the children into this confusion in a timely and sensitive way. The fact that one of the children lashed out at him and that a child called the OM gives us a pretty strong sense of how unbridled emotions were. Sorry if he wasn't behaving like a responsible adult, but he'd just found out his wife was a whore and that she wasn't behaving like a responsible adult, wife, or mother. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Kids are certainly not stupid. They probably figured out Mommy was having an affair before the OP knew. With everyting they see on TV these days I'm sure the 12 year old had it figured out in no time and shared with her siblings. They have a right to know why their home is being split up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bamawsp Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 For the record, none of the children lashed out at me. The kid privy to the text messages lashed out at her mother. You may continue the bash fest......... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Also nope, the problem she created was transferred to her entire family, not her hubby. You don't get to cop out by saying it doesn't effect the kids, so nope, she spread this to not only her hubby, but kids.Who uncovered the affair? The husband. He opened that Pandora's Box. He then erratically unleashed the contents of that box onto his children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Who uncovered the affair? The husband. He opened that Pandora's Box. He then erratically unleashed the contents of that box onto his children. Um, he didn't open Pandora's box. Finding out the truth about your skanky wife betraying you isn't opening Pandora's box. It's looking for the truth you DESERVE. Pandora's box was someone looking for something they weren't supposed to ever actually look into. So now, please sit there and tell me his wife having an affair isn't something a husband should look into. You must believe that, otherwise this nonsense about Pandora's box would not be here. I repeat: there. would. not. of. been. a. box. to. open. if. she. had. not. cheated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 He had it in his (adult) power not to disclose this painful, hurtful and damaging information to his children. Put aside all this "skank" "whore" talk for a moment, please. It just showcases your own bias. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 As a responsible adult, the husband(father) should have taken it upon himself to usher the children into this confusion in a timely and sensitive way. The fact that one of the children lashed out at him and that a child called the OM gives us a pretty strong sense of how unbridled emotions were. The problem with this is that you are guessing the kids don't already know whats up. They do know something serious is going down. I would tell my kids and I would also reassure them that I am there and I love them. I told mine. The amazing thing is there mother continued to lie after all these years. Now what do you think is more damaging? The kids being told the truth or being lied to for years? Clay 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I don't think anyone thinks that the children should be kept totally in the dark, but as a responsible adult the father needs to put the needs and wants of his children first. They are young and innocent and the more I read about complex PTSD and the fact that emotional trauma in childhood impacts who we are in adult life, the more I am aware of how these knee jerk emotional reactions affect children's emotional well being, and why it is essential that parents need to think first, before they let their own emotional dramas damage their children. He is the adult here, he should be protecting his children, not using them as a tool to bash his wife over the head with. I agree with Sycamorecircle - "She created a problem that was directly transferred to the husband. He created a problem that was directly transferred to the children." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 The problem with this is that you are guessing the kids don't already know whats up. They do know something serious is going down. I would tell my kids and I would also reassure them that I am there and I love them. I told mine. The amazing thing is there mother continued to lie after all these years. Now what do you think is more damaging? The kids being told the truth or being lied to for years? ClayI never said don't tell the children. See some of my previous posts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 There are gentler ways to discuss the subject with younger children. However kids (even 7 year olds) are not unaware or stupid. They would sooner or later know mommy has another man, so I see nothing wrong with explaining this - in a simplistic and basic way. introducing this OM is not on you - it's on your spouse because that is HER new partner, not yours. it would be awesome if people could actually forget about their bruised ego for a minute and explain everything to their children together. you telling your kids about this OM because you're afraid they'll like him more than you? no bueno. no reason a kid should know what goes on in their parents bedroom. none at all. i understand the OP's pain very well but a good parent is able to see through that pain, get themselves together and put their kids 1st. stressing them out about "a bad mommy" is not the way to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts