Should I keep trying or move on? Male POV required

[toffeecream77]

Hi Silver 88

 

This guy is selfish and manipulative. I can see it a mile off. He does not have your interest at heart and I don't think he wants to get back together with you. Instead, he prefers this new life that gives him everything he wants but without any commitment. And I wish you could see all this and want better for yourself. I think, in time, you will.

 

My main question to you: are you having much time to yourself? Can somebody look after the kids on a weekend so you can do the things you enjoy? Can you get out one evening per week? Are you meeting with family or your friends?

 

Keep up the good work on the counselling by the way.

[Silver88]

Hi Silver 88

 

This guy is selfish and manipulative. I can see it a mile off. He does not have your interest at heart and I don't think he wants to get back together with you. Instead, he prefers this new life that gives him everything he wants but without any commitment. And I wish you could see all this and want better for yourself. I think, in time, you will.

 

My main question to you: are you having much time to yourself? Can somebody look after the kids on a weekend so you can do the things you enjoy? Can you get out one evening per week? Are you meeting with family or your friends?

 

Keep up the good work on the counselling by the way.

 

 

Thanks

 

I just can't get my head round it. Despite my opinion of his recent actions, he is intelligent and his maturity would positively surprise me at times. And then all of a sudden, this.

 

While I am aware his opinions on whether or not he can be a good dad away from his kids most of the time, hoe can he not see how damaging and confusing it is for them if he just carries on with meals together etc, without actually having a relationship with me? He wouldn't do all these things if he was with someone else, is he really this shortsighted? Not to mention he had a change of heart - very briefly - 3 times since the split. Does he think he can carry on with the nights out forever and see his kids for a few hours here and there and the kids will not resent him for the broken home and rejecting their tears and begging? It is like he is a different person.

 

If he doesn't love me anymore, fair enough- but why does he carry on being nice directly to me with all the texting and wanting my attention, how can a 33yo man with own business behave this way?

 

It is like having a million questions and the only person who could answer them, doesn't seem to know himself.

 

I do go out almost every week for an evening, be it seeing some friends oe going to the cinema, I also work Mon to Fri part tome in an office, so have plenty of chatting there. If I was a suicidal, sobbing mess begging him for second chance, I could understand his ways, but I'm not (or try not to be) yet he still thinks his life is better without me (while being jealous if I even hint a date)...

[Simon Phoenix]

First of all, why are you talking to him about anything but the children? Stop sharing your dating life with him and stop asking him (or at least talking to him) about his dating life. He's the father of one of your children, that's it. You need to stop hoping for and passive-aggressively trying to force more. It's clear he does not see you as a long-term, romantic option, so stop talking about anything related to that. Except for the child you two have together, there's nothing more to discuss.

 

You're confused because you are willingly confusing yourself. He's been completely clear about how he perceives you -- you just refuse to believe it. He acts that way because you stupidly indulge it. Stop!

 

I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, but dude....

[Silver88]

First of all, why are you talking to him about anything but the children? Stop sharing your dating life with him and stop asking him (or at least talking to him) about his dating life. He's the father of one of your children, that's it. You need to stop hoping for and passive-aggressively trying to force more. It's clear he does not see you as a long-term, romantic option, so stop talking about anything related to that. Except for the child you two have together, there's nothing more to discuss.

 

You're confused because you are willingly confusing yourself. He's been completely clear about how he perceives you -- you just refuse to believe it. He acts that way because you stupidly indulge it. Stop!

 

I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, but dude....

 

Haha thanks. And I need harsh if it helps me stop feeling in limbo!

 

See, if he just stopped texting me about his day, talking to me about it, doing little nice things, agreeing to spending time together and all that, it would have been so easy to make an amicable, clean cut.

 

Doing those things keeps me hoping, I think it is just the natures way to make women hang onto man to increase chances of survival lol. So we cling onto the tiniest of signs, or make them up in our heads even.

 

Although since not going out together (again, hope that can lasts) for the last couple of weeks (just handovers in the doorway) I don't have to listen to him anymore and feel like I reclaimed a tiny bit of my dignity back now that he doesn't come to my house. Still, whenever I text him about kids arrangements regarding kids, he would thrown in something casual in, it is hard to not get pulled into the chit chat but I have managed so far. Still makes me wonder though.

 

O never asked him about his dating life, he would casually mention it whenever he felt like making me jealous in the past. I never told him about my dating life mostly because I still don't - apart from that past time when I lied to see the reaction I get- childish I know, but I felt desperate, if he was fine with it, it would be easier to assume to move on.

 

Oh and whenever I would go for an evening he would make nasty comments like "Don't forget the condoms" even though I was seeing friends or whatever.

 

So there's that as well really, I worry about the repercussions of me letting go.

Because as soon as I appear uninterested, he turns a bit rude. He threatens to reduce the maintenance, apply for the kids to live with him (which is another way of him controlling me at the moment, his place is still a building site with mice and I just cant let kids go there for me to be able to go out past 7 or 8pm. It had been like this for almost 6 years and ironically he is a builder).

 

Damned if I do and damned if I don't... I know plenty of single parents deal every day with worse things from their exes but I keep thinking I should just suck it up, stay single and sacrifice own sanity to keep it sort of normal for the kids, without major fights, him introducing them to other women, badmouthing me to them etc, keeping him sweet so to speak, even though I have no guarantee that it would last like it did for the last year

[Simon Phoenix]

There's nothing to wonder about. He's not into you as a romantic partner. Stop getting distracted by the white noise and stop letting him manipulate you. I mean, look at all you typed. All that is is you clutching on to straws instead of accepting the reality. You can choose to not get sucked into this.

[Silver88]

There's nothing to wonder about. He's not into you as a romantic partner. Stop getting distracted by the white noise and stop letting him manipulate you. I mean, look at all you typed. All that is is you clutching on to straws instead of accepting the reality. You can choose to not get sucked into this.

 

I know, it is pathetic. If my daughter's we're in this situation, I would be like "Ruuuuunnn!!!" And be disappointed for their lack of self esteem.

 

It is just so difficult with my 9yo still begging and sobbing one year on (even though I haven't cried in front of her.. Or at all, in fact) and the 2yo crying "Daddy stay" whenever he drops them off. I can be all strong and have a million reasons to not want him back, then I see my kids not coping and I crumble, I start all over again doing everything I can to make him want the family back.

 

It is heartbreaking to see them like that, despite the conversations I have with them to cheer them up.

 

We have a nice girly life and go out places and all, yet still something is missing for them. I would love for them to have a complete home with a dad who lives with them and is there in the morning or bedtime, but I am scared my next relationship will turn out the same- my ex wasn't like this to start with, he was this mature person liking activities with kids and taking well to living together, wanting to get married and all. And ran away years later.

 

[Simon Phoenix]

They'll understand in time. I mean, I'm a child of divorce. It wasn't pleasant at first, but I realized as I got older that it needed to be done and I have great relationships with both. And I remember how much it hurt to see my parents fighting with each other. Once they separated and became happier, it helped me become happier.

 

A child doesn't need a dad to be there all the time to feel loved (or a mom if the situation is reversed). Trying to force a partnership "for the kids" can be more harmful to the kids than being apart. My mother was psychologically scarred for years because her parents tried to force an unloving marriage. Kids pick up on that, so stop using that as an excuse to suck up to this guy. You are their female role model -- you tip-toeing and undermining yourself to try to keep something together that's not healthy gives them a horrible example of how an adult woman should carry themselves.

 

You are the adult, not them. You make the decisions, not them. You are their role model -- you have to be strong. They might not understand it now, but they'll thank you for it later. You have to stop sabotaging yourself for their sake, if not yours.