We got back together but she's still there.

[Begin again]

I just want to vent.

 

Maybe I should post this in another section?

 

My bf and I have been together ~ 4 years. We lived together three of those years. Now we are long distance... That's where the story comes in.

 

He cheated on me with a girl half his age. I forgave him bc we were going through a lot and then we moved to another state together and I had an EA about 4 months after I found out about him and his girl. We broke up (well, I broke up with him) when I realized that he was never going to marry me. (So much more to this story, but I'm trying to keep it super short. Then we moved about 150 miles from each other.

 

Fast forward a year, we got back together, and have now been together since the reconciliation for ~ 6 months. Things are good... No. Things are great. Honestly, they always were (other than the obvious). We never fight. We're very supportive of each other. We pursue our passions and dreams looking in the same direction...

 

Except... Of course there's an except... The girl he cheated on me with. They ended up getting together for a few months after we broke up. I know that it never meant anything to him... Nothing real at least, but her existence and the probability that they still talk on occasion, (I know she's still kind of obsessed with him), even if it means absolutely nothing to him, really upsets me. I know that he dated other people in the year that we were broken up that meant far more to him than her, but it's her that bugs me... No one else.

 

I've asked him to at least tell me if he does speak to her. He says he will but he has no interest. I know that he does though. I think it's pretty rare though.

 

Argh! It's just driving me nuts.

[Buddhist]

I'm not quite understanding of your situation. So the OW is still 'here'? Where? Living with him, working with him....? She's going to keep existing for a while, you can't do anything about that. It's not her existence that bugs you, it's the fact this still isn't water under the bridge and I suspect you haven't finished dealing with the betrayal and grief aspect of it. To be honest, if you've both cheated and yet you still want to be together, it's going to take more than just time to mend those wounds. It will be quicker though with professional help, either as a couple or alone.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I just want to vent.

 

Maybe I should post this in another section?

 

My bf and I have been together ~ 4 years. We lived together three of those years. Now we are long distance... That's where the story comes in.

 

He cheated on me with a girl half his age. I forgave him bc we were going through a lot and then we moved to another state together and I had an EA about 4 months after I found out about him and his girl. We broke up (well, I broke up with him) when I realized that he was never going to marry me. (So much more to this story, but I'm trying to keep it super short. Then we moved about 150 miles from each other.

 

Fast forward a year, we got back together, and have now been together since the reconciliation for ~ 6 months. Things are good... No. Things are great. Honestly, they always were (other than the obvious). We never fight. We're very supportive of each other. We pursue our passions and dreams looking in the same direction...

 

Except... Of course there's an except... The girl he cheated on me with. They ended up getting together for a few months after we broke up. I know that it never meant anything to him... Nothing real at least, but her existence and the probability that they still talk on occasion, (I know she's still kind of obsessed with him), even if it means absolutely nothing to him, really upsets me. I know that he dated other people in the year that we were broken up that meant far more to him than her, but it's her that bugs me... No one else.

 

I've asked him to at least tell me if he does speak to her. He says he will but he has no interest. I know that he does though. I think it's pretty rare though.

 

Argh! It's just driving me nuts.

 

 

Remember, you FORGAVE him for his infidelity with another woman (her age, unless she's under 18, doesn't matter). You chose to take him back TWICE and enter into a relationship with him again. According to you, things are "going great" between the two of you. Apparently, they're not going so "great", at least not for you...because you're STILL upset at the fact that this woman he CHEATED on you with MIGHT still be lurking around somewhere, waiting to communicate with him again or try to creep back into his life...

 

See, this is the negative thing about forgiving (and taking back) a significant other when they HAVE SEX with ANOTHER person while being in a monogamous and supposedly COMMITTED relationship with you.

 

Even if he never cheats on you again - you'll NEVER EVER know for sure! You'll ALWAYS be wondering if the woman he cheated on you with will re-enter his life again...you'll ALWAYS remember the betrayal that he did to you....and you'll ALWAYS wonder if he will develop an interest in communicating with her again or - worse - an interest in HAVING SEX with her again. I mean, he did it behind your back before; it's possible that he could (and would want to) do it again, and this time, cover his tracks better so that you'll NEVER find out.

 

ALL of these things, including the fact that the woman/whore he cheated on you with is alive and breathing, will be things that you'll ALWAYS be dealing with...for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Unless, you change your mindset and learn to LET GO of obsessing over the whore he cheated on you with; and learn to MOVE ON with your life and enjoy how "great" things are going between you and your boyfriend.

 

I, personally, would NEVER EVER EVER forgive (let alone take back!) a man who EVER cheated on me - I don't care what his excuse was or what he was going through in his life at that time. I could NEVER trust a man who cheated on me ever EVER again! And, it doesn't sound like you completely trust your boyfriend either (not that I blame you).

 

Either let go of these maddening thoughts of the whore he cheated on you with - or be prepared to live with it for a lonnnggg long time. It's entirely up to you. Good luck, OP. You're going to need it.

 

.

[newmoon]

more power to women who forgive cheaters because i never could and never have. you'll experience exactly what you are going through. although things may seem 'on-track' the negative thoughts will always be there, and the doubts. it's like a cup you've glued back together - it's cracked, once broken, and will shatter into even more pieces if dropped again. it's not perfect anymore and never will be again. you forgave him, so you gotta live with these feelings now.

[Begin again]

Thank you for responding Buddist & Zombiegirl.

 

First, you are both right. I don't think that I'm entirely over the cheating, but probably not in the way you think... I feel extremely confident that no chance, no way would he be back together with her. If not for the 1000 miles separating them, he has left her when he was able to be together with her. We were not together, they gave it a try, and he left her. I know she's still very into him, and he still never got back together with her. What bugs me is that as much as I know that, I also know that if she writes him, and he's bored or trying to be nice, or whatever, he responds from time to time. And the fact that this relationship has even that tiny bit of existence, upsets me.

 

Btw, she was pretty close to being under 18.

 

Zombie, I wish I was as strong as you to say, no way no how. I beat myself up frequently for not being that way, but I definitely appreciate your perspective and it made me smile.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Thank you for responding Buddist & Zombiegirl.

 

First, you are both right. I don't think that I'm entirely over the cheating, but probably not in the way you think... I know she's still very into him, and he still never got back together with her. What bugs me is that as much as I know that, I also know that if she writes him, and he's bored or trying to be nice, or whatever, he responds from time to time. And the fact that this relationship has even that tiny bit of existence, upsets me.

 

Btw, she was pretty close to being under 18.

 

Zombie, I wish I was as strong as you to say, no way no how. I beat myself up frequently for not being that way, but I definitely appreciate your perspective and it made me smile.

 

 

I'm glad my post made you smile. Yes, I'm strong in the way that I'd NEVER EVER forgive a man for cheating on me, but it's not all about my inner strength; it's also about my NOT wanting to EVER feel the heartache of experiencing that type of betrayal. I've seen others go through it and I KNOW it's something that I will NEVER forgive a man for if I'm unfortunate enough to ever go through something horrendous like that. The trust would be COMPLETELY SHATTERED, which is akin to Newmoon's analogy of the porcelain cup that was broken and is now cracked.

 

 

I feel extremely confident that no chance, no way would he be back together with her. If not for the 1000 miles separating them, he has left her when he was able to be together with her. We were not together, they gave it a try, and he left her.

 

But see, their 1,000 miles of physical distance from each other is basically the only thing that reassures you that he won't be interested in hooking up with her again as well as the fact that HE left HER. Not to mention the fact that if your boyfriend is "bored" or is "trying to be nice", he WILL correspond with her - the woman he sexually CHEATED ON YOU WITH!!! Because of ALL of these aspects - as well as the fact that this ill-gotten "relationship" between them has even that "tiny bit of existence" - THIS is why you're UPSET about it. I have NO idea how you live with this negative and uneasy feeling each and every day. And, the fact that this teeny bopper whore exists a thousand miles away and you're UNABLE to control her actions with regard to your boyfriend, well....I just don't know how you do it, or how you deal with this!

 

All you can do now is just attempt to enjoy your life with your boyfriend...and you'll have to watch his actions like a hawk from here on out. Out of RESPECT and LOVE for you, he should NEVER EVER respond to or have ANY contact with that other woman (whore)...EVER. I don't care WHAT excuse he gives you - if he EVER texts her, emails her, calls her or snail mails her, well, then THAT'S when you should start to WORRY and that's when several RED FLAGS should wave right in your face.

 

You seem like a good person, a forgiving person, a caring person. And, for your sake, I hope he doesn't EVER cheat on you again or breaches your trust again. Honestly though...I think you DESERVE BETTER than your boyfriend.

 

 

.

[Gary S]

Well, I understand your pain. I'm glad you are back together again... not everyone can do that. I hope he has vowed never to cheat again. It's going to take some time to get over it, and for you to trust again. This is a good place to vent. Time is the great healer.

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope, nope, NOPE.

 

He should not be in contact with her at all if he's truly sorry and serious about giving your relationship a fighting chance. The fact that your feelings about this don't trouble him is a very bad sign. He's keeping that door open. It's very concerning that he has difficulty identifying this boundary.

 

Having said that, you chose to reconcile. Unfortunately, there are going to be serious trust issues to work on. You need to be 100% certain it's not you doing all the legwork. He needs to step up in a big way and show you he is willing to do whatever it takes to get the relationship back on track. His apparent inability to do so is a waving red flag.

[strawberrypancake]

I also think he should not be in contact with her at all, especially if he knows how much this bothers you.

I once took an ex back who had cheated on me and he ended up doing it again about 10 months down the road.

It's just not working for most people...

[Begin again]

Thank you Gary, Expat, and strawberry...

 

You are all right and definitely not saying anything that I haven't told myself a thousand times.

 

What I know? He loves me, he doesn't want to be with anyone else, and I probably can't trust him not to seek ego stroked from time to time.

 

What I also know? I'm not perfect either and I contributed to our breakup in similar ways that he did. Not the same, but I have a lot of empathy that people make mistakes that don't necessarily mean that they are not right for each other. Cheating is always considered the worst thing that one can do, but I can think of worse things that people forgive (and people expect for them to forgive) all the time.

 

That being said, I wish I could be stronger and put my foot down on all of these things (not that I haven't put my foot down, just that I'm obviously not following through).

 

What I personally believe makes the relationship fail after an incident like this is one person harping on the subject relentlessly. Whether they should or shouldn't is kind of beside the point if you have decided that this relationship is what you want and makes you happy in almost every other way.

 

So... I could spend my days telling him over and over to stop doing it and I'm sure eventually he would, or I can be determined not to let the little harpy (thanks zombie;-) ) stay in between us by trying to work out these issues on my own?

 

I have talked to him about it... Twice. The only way that I know that they talk from time to time is that I'll be on fb and I'll see her on chat then him, back and forth... It's really rare and lasts only 10-15 mins every once in a while (well, at least when I see it), and I haven't confronted him directly about those circumstances. It seems pretty lame and I'm sure he could defend it.

[katiegrl]

You shoudn't have to *tell* him...especially over and over again....to stop communicating with her.

 

Out of love and respect for you and your relationship... he should *want* to stop communicating with her....all on his own...without any prompting from you.

 

The fact he is still choosing to communicate with her speaks volumes! About how he feels about HER and how he feels about you and your relationship. And none of it sounds good.

 

And you would be very foolish to think otherwise.

 

I'm sorry..

Edited February 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[ExpatInItaly]

You shoudn't have to *tell* him...especially over and over again....to stop communicating with her.

 

Out of love and respect for you and your relationship... he should *want* to stop communicating with her....all on his own...without any prompting from you.

 

The fact he is still choosing to communicate with her speaks volumes! About how he feels about HER and how he feels about you and your relationship. And none of it sounds good.

 

And you would be very foolish to think otherwise.

 

I'm sorry..

 

This. OP, I realize you want it to work out. But he's making it very hard to do when he keeps her as part of his life. I think you're being far too permissive and passive about it. It's one thing to forgive past transgressions. But this isn't the past. As your thread title suggests, she's still here. It won't be possible to move forward unless and until he finally decides to cut her off. You need to be very wary about what their continued contact suggests about his priorities and commitment to you.

 

Are you still in contact with your emotional affair partner? If yes, why? And if not, ask yourself why you decided it'd be better to close that chapter. Then look at your boyfriend and ask yourself why he's not doing the same.

[Begin again]

Katie and Expat,

 

I totally agree... Obviously, or I wouldn't be writing on this forum. It's not that I think that he wants to be with her, it's that he isn't making me the priority regardless of how innocent his intentions. Let me clarify one thing though... The only way I know that he is talking to her is the facebook thing. That and some weird things she's posted or done in relation to fb.

 

So... It is possible though not likely that I'm wrong about this.

 

Expat... Yes, the EA partner... That's part of why I'm being as understanding as I am. No, I do not speak with him. And I chose not to speak with him bc I know that it would hurt my bf. But... It is hard sometimes, since I really don't have friends in this new place and it can get lonely. He was a great guy who is happy to be my friend. My bf is also in a new place where he doesn't have anyone and I know that he gets very lonely also... But... I made the choice and am sticking with it, so even though I understand the temptation (regardless of the fact that I have absolutely no interest in him), I don't really understand why he doesn't do the same.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Begin again
Grammar

[katiegrl]

How can you *possibly* be wrong when you have clear evidence that he is communicating with her via Facebook?

 

Can you clarify what you mean? As...on first blush...it doesn't make sense to me.

 

The proof is right there on FB...

[katiegrl]

So out of love and respect for your boyfriend... you choose not to communicate with your EA. THAT is the way it should be!

 

Why are you not expecting (demanding) the same love and respect from your boyfriend?

 

I don't get it. Are you afraid to be alone? What is it?

[katiegrl]

There is only one reason why he's not doing the same. He does not want to!

 

Pretty simple... and again it speaks volumes.

[Begin again]

Katie,

 

As on first blush?

 

I don't think I'm concerned about being alone... I actually enjoy being alone most of the time. Also, I did date in between, and I'm not really that concerned about finding a partner... For the most part...

 

I'm 35. I don't put a ton of stock in age, but there is a point where that has to be a consideration. Also, I'm pretty nostalgic. History counts for a lot with me (whether it should or shouldn't), and four years of history in a relationship that was 98% happy is worth more to me than it probably should. I am probably the most forgiving person I've ever come into contact with bc I empathize with everyone. I get that humans are flawed and I decided, long before this bf, that if you love someone, you love them bc of their flaws as much as any other part of them. Given the right circumstances, I believe that we all are capable of doing what he did/or continues to do, without it meaning anything more than it does.

 

This does not mean that I'm right, only that this is probably why I'm in the position that I am. Bc as much as everyone is probably right regarding him and him not changing. This innate flaw of forgiveness is part of me and I don't know that I could change it either.

[elaine567]

This girl at only 18 is going to be potentially hanging around for a long time, tempting your bf, and that is going to be uncomfortable for you for potentially years. While you and he head for 40, she heads for 22. Hmm!

10-15 minutes is actually a decent length of conversation for someone he is not in contact with.

I have a hard job believing that a 36 year old man would communicate regularly on fb with an 18 year old, unless there is the chance of a relationship/sex, or he is her dad or another family member, but I could be wrong there.

You need to start investigating and putting your foot down.

He has cheated once, whose to say he won't do it again? You need to start requesting more transparency from him, if he doesn't want to cut her off, or show you exactly what she is writing to him about, then that is not a good sign.

You say he is never going to marry you, and that is why you split up before, what's changed now?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

There is only one reason why he's not doing the same. He does not want to!

 

Pretty simple... and again it speaks volumes.

 

I'm thinking that the OP is being wayyyyyy too blase about the way her boyfriend is STILL communicating with the long distance whore. I'm noticing that with almost all of her posts, she makes excuses for him, and for herself.

 

So *bleeping* what if he's "lonely" because he lives in a "new place"??? So what if she "thinks" that he "doesn't want her anymore" because "he broke up with her"? So what if she "doesn't understand why her boyfriend 'won't do the same' " with regard to respecting her and loving her enough to NOT EVER contact the whore he CHEATED on her with?

 

The OP says "she's made the choice and she's STICKING WITH IT". I honestly think she's "sticking with it" and has forgiven her cheating boyfriend because she does NOT want to be "alone" and "lonely" in a new city. I also think she does NOT think she's worthy enough to have his love or respect. No self-respecting woman would behave (or react to what her boyfriend is doing) the way the OP is.

 

Moreover, no self-respecting woman who knows her worth and who values what she has to offer to a man would EVER forgive and take back a sexual cheater, let alone tolerating the cheater to CONTINUE to keep contact with the whore he cheated on her with via messaging on FB - even though "It's really rare and lasts only 10-15 mins every once in a while (well, at least when I see it)..."

 

No disrespect towards the OP, but I'm going to wash my hands of this thread. I can no longer post any more responses to a person who evidently doesn't care about herself and what she deserves from a relationship; possesses zero respect for herself...and would allow the man who cheated on her to have his "ego stroked" by the whore he cheated on her with on those "rare" occasions. Sorry, but I'm unable to wrap my brain around this situation any longer.

 

Take care, OP. Hope everything works out for you the way that you want it to.

 

 

.

[CrystalShine2011]

They live in the same city? His ex?

 

 

I would be careful!!

[katiegrl]

BlackOps...your last post, 100% agree. I'm with ya too about washing your hands of this thread.

 

She came here for advice...not sure why as virtually all her responses have taken a defensive posture... in essence justifying/defending her boyfriend's atrocious and disrespectful actions....as well as her own.

 

It's difficult if not impossible having respect for someone (i.e.. the OP)... if they don't respect themselves first!

 

Therefore, I'm also out.

 

Good luck OP..

Edited February 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[Begin again]

Katie & Zombie,

 

I'm sorry that you feel that way... I appreciate where you are coming from and also your advice has made an impact. I am sorry to see you go. Honestly, as much as I've heard you and appreciate what you are saying, I really came to vent. That being said, advice is always welcome... Especially on a forum such as this one...

 

Crystal, no, they live far away from one another.

 

Elaine, yes, it appears that he is commiting. I didn't get an official ring, but he calls me his fiancé to friends and family and we talk about plans to get married.

 

One other thing... I just found my original thread when I came here a year and a half ago, and we were breaking up... Just thought some might want background... Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/418098-what-do-i-do

[Zahara]

I forgave him bc we were going through a lot .

 

There is never a reason to cheat. Life's challenges doesn't justify cheating on your partner.

 

History counts for a lot with me (whether it should or shouldn't), and four years of history in a relationship that was 98% happy is worth more to me than it probably should. I am probably the most forgiving person I've ever come into contact with bc I empathize with everyone.

 

History also doesn't justify being in a relationship that isn't honest and forthright.

 

I think we often confuse empathizing and forgiveness with the inability to be emotionally strong and confident enough to walk the other way. The latter is harder to do.

 

I get that humans are flawed and I decided, long before this bf, that if you love someone, you love them bc of their flaws as much as any other part of them.

 

Cheating is not a flaw. It's a choice. And at some no matter how flawed, there's a limit and a boundary.

 

Not much with advice for your situation. Just noting your perceptions.

Edited February 22, 2015 by Zahara

[Begin again]

Zahara,

 

Thanks for writing. Short story, I agree with you.

 

Long story... We can never truly understand anyone until we walk a mile in their shoes. Here's what I believe to be the truth...

 

People, men specifically, will cheat if it serves some kind of purpose, they have the opportunity, and they believe can get away with it. Not all people/men do because they are missing some aspect of this. In saying this I'm not saying that all men/women are bad, because I don't believe they are. I just think that if a man has a woman, especially a young beautiful woman, completely throwing themselves at them (which in this case, was the case), I'd be hard pressed to find a man who would turn them down. There are exceptions to this, I'm sure, but I find it pretty unlikely.

 

Then, I believe, that as long as there are no hard feelings between them and she serves some kind of purpose (she assuages his loneliness, strokes his ego), and he thinks he can get away with it (he doesn't know that I know), that as long as that is present, any guy wouldn't completely ignore her. The reason that a guy would stop is bc he would be scared to get caught... But, here's the thing... If I tell him how I know, since we don't live together anymore, he, or any guy can just hide it better. The difference between me and someone else, is simply just the knowing part. Just reading on this forum alone, I always see that to some extent the OW and the MM continue to talk in some capacity, unless if the BS gets private eye on them.

 

So... What do I do? I end a happy relationship to end up with someone else who could easily be in a situation like this down the road? Maybe you think yes, and I respect that, and I envy your ability to believe that this could never happen to you... Heck, it might not... But it's not bc given the right circumstances it couldn't... Or, that it has/is/will happen, but you won't know about it.

 

Yes, cheating is a choice, but loving someone unconditionally is also a choice. So is understanding that things are not as black and white as we might want to believe.

[elaine567]

This 36 year old bf who had the affair with the 18 year old, is a doctor???