What do I do?!

[Lostfairie]

I'm stuck between two guys and I'm really confused.

 

Several months ago, I needed to make a change in my job. My then bf, who is a doctor and one of my employees, debated for months whether to come with me. We had a solid relationship... But a couple relatively big problems. I wanted kids, he wasn't sure (but much more on the no kids side) and he wouldn't wholly commit to me (he kept saying he debated whether or not to marry me). He was kind and our relationship was happy though. We had a true partnership.

 

So after a few months of debating, he decided to come with me. So, I moved... He was coming 2 months later. Near the end of our time apart, I found out that he was cheating on me for at least a few weeks... Maybe longer?

 

So, I forgive him almost immediately. Because I love him, but also bc my work was depending on him and we had signed a very expensive lease... And bc I was scared of the whole move by myself. And bc I know if we had never spent that time apart it never would have happened...

 

Fast forward a few months. We're okay. We've never fought and that didn't change, but I'm having a hard time believing our happiness, bc I thought he was happy before. I just don't feel secure in the relationship anymore.

 

Another guy tells me he has feelings for me. I'm his boss as well. This gave me enough guts to actually talk to bf about my concerns... I ask about having kids... About commitment... He waffles for about a week, at some points even almost breaking up with me. He talks about not knowing about us really being in love, about not being able to picture me in the future, etc... So, finally I break up with him. Almost instantly he professes his love. Commits to having children. Says that he's so sad that it took me breaking up with him to realize what he wanted was me.

 

Meanwhile, I start dating guy B. He is so loving... Crazy smitten... He's so passionate... Puts every romance in movie to shame... He says he's in love with me... Promises to never take me for granted. Never stop being romantic. Says he wants to marry me now. Will start having kids today. Will give me the world... He's SO incredible. I've never been loved like this in my life... He's every little girls fantasy. I can almost believe that he will be this way (or some variation of it), forever.

 

Problem: I still live with boyfriend and still love him. He's now being everything I've always wanted from him. We have the shared history and so much love for each other... He's also so broken right now... In the past few weeks he's lost at least 20-30 lbs... Has to drink whiskey just to fall asleep (he normally never drinks at all)... I do believe he would try and be everything I need from him... But, how can I know?

 

And then I have guy B who has never shown me anything but perfectness (albeit it's only been a few weeks)... He adores me and loves me like no one ever has. He makes me feel like a person I never have before. He is also 10 years younger than me:-/ and another employee (which causes all sorts of problems)... We also come from different worlds and can't provide as much security as bf (this really isn't a big problem bc in both relationships I'm the bread winner, but I'm afraid that if anything happened to my income and we had a child, what would happen then?)

 

I am 34. I need to have a child soon. I'm so torn. They are both wonderful. What do I do?

[HTS1977]

1st off, your not being fair to either individual, let alone yourself. Anyone who is trying to find out who is "better" for them, has personel issues they need to focus on before involving others in a relationship. The fact is, you have looked elsewhere outside of your relationship with your sig other...I feel bad for him entirely knowing he is basically 2nd fiddle to your new guy.

 

My suggestion, take time for yourself...you are going to hurt both people, and then feel guilty for it. Or end up with the wrong person all together, your looking for someone to tell you what to do when only you can do that yourself. You are 34yrs old, if you havnt figured out you cant act like your 22 anymore and play with people's emotions you never will.

[Lostfairie]

First of all, I appreciate your reply.

 

Second, maybe I wasn't clear. I broke up with bf. I have not given him any indication that I'm going to get back together with him. I left him before I started dating the other guy. The other guy is so very aware of my conundrum as I have been completely honest with him.

[Lostfairie]

Also, I told the second guy that I could not commit to him until I figured this out. I have asked him to date other people and to not in any way count on me.

[Lostfairie]

I would really love a little more input. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this...

[lylat333]

I'm concerned at how fast you forgave the first guy's infidelity, to me that's a red flag. It seems to be a situation where maybe you are more in love with the idea of him, who you think he could be rather than who he really is.

 

I don't think you should continue living with him, either. I know that's easier said than done, but I think some time apart could do you a world of good. I know patience is hard to come by when you want to get things figured out (I'm "only" 27 and feel like I'm running out of time) but I feel just 1-3 months of space could give you so much more clarity. You will find out the answers to questions like - does Guy 1 bail once he's out or does he realize he really wants to be with you (and have a kid, etc.)? Do you even want to be with Guy 1 by that point? Does Guy 2 still come off looking so well after some time or is it infatuation?

 

I do agree that it's not fair to play with their emotions, either. Don't do anything to/with them you wouldn't want someone doing to you, physically, emotionally, etc.

 

If patience is an issue... I know you're not getting any younger, but I would much rather meet a 35-year old who was willing to take time to step back and do the right things than a 34-year old who tried to solve them overnight.

Edited August 21, 2013 by lylat333

[Lostfairie]

Thank you so, so much for your thoughtful reply.

 

Yeah, I was pretty concerned with my quick forgiveness as well. I'm sure that there is always another solution, but at the time I felt kind of trapped. We were making a tremendous move that depended on us both going. We were a package deal at our new place of employment, we had/have a really expensive lease that I couldn't get out of (which I did try)... It was literally a week before he was supposed to move and he wouldn't have come if we broke up. Also, honestly I was also terrified. I think that if things were under normal circumstances, I would have broken up with him. I may or may not have forgiven him, but at least I would have broken up with him.

 

All this being said... I really don't think I'm in love with idea. Up until that moment, I had no doubts. I never tried to change him and never nagged him about anything. I was even ok with not having kids (although not ideal) bc I felt confident in our relationship and believed that if he ended up not wanting them, he was enough for me. However, when he cheated on me, that was a wake up call that I needed to focus on me, which has led me to this point.

 

I really want for us to not live together. I've talked to him about this and he's said that he will look, but he really can't afford it. The truth is, is that I can't really afford it either, but I'm more terrified of the damage it's doing to both of us.

 

I worry so, so much about hurting anyone in this situation. I've tried my darnedest to be honest and create boundaries with all involved. I do always follow the golden rule in my life...

 

When I continue to tell guy B to move on, he gets really upset with me...

Last night, after telling him for the umpteenth time, I got this response:

 

"Don't say that. I'm in this because I love you. I will never give up. No matter what I have to go through to be with you. I don't want to be without your love. I will wait forever.

 

I want you by my side until the end. I want to be part of your history in this life and the next. You are my dreams come true. I feel that now I understand what it really means to love.

 

At the beginning my heart and mind were fighting. I was telling myself to not fall in love. To forget you, that I would never have you. But I just couldn't, from that first night and kiss you broke through all the locks I used to close off my heart. I gave up on trying to fight it, my heart was right. I've never felt such an intense and beautiful love. As strong as the sea during the worse of storms.

 

Your love makes my life seem more beautiful and sweeter. It's good for my soul. Your love controls me, I gives me life and at the same time I feel it can take it away. Your love elevates me, your love keeps me tied to shore and keeps me from getting lost with the currents. You are my queen, my goddess, you are my religion.

Your love makes me fall at your feet every time you kiss me. Please don't ask me to move on. My life is nothing without you. "

 

I don't know how to make things better:-/

[lylat333]

You're very welcome. I'm no expert, but I try to offer honest, sympathetic help.

 

OK, so... the living situation sounds tricky, but I would keep looking for a way to get out of it. Even if it results in a downgrade in where you live or if you have to move in with someone else temporarily. Not only does it look wrong from the outside looking in, but you seem to be confirming that living together is not a good thing. It even impacted the aftermath of the infidelity.

 

As for guy 2, woah mama. I consider myself a very sensitive hopeless romantic at times but what he's saying seems like a bit much! I don't know how much of a bond you really have, but those are not words to be taken lightly. I get a very strong codependent vibe which I would find alarming. It may be refreshing though if it's so different than what the other guy is bringing to the table, but to me it does sound at least a bit unhealthy. e.g. "you are my religion" or "My life is nothing without you".

 

Good to hear that you are trying not to hurt anyone and be honest, that's great. I hope you can find a way to get some space and breathing room for the situation - you've got a lot going for you, and you don't want it all to consume you!

 

Definitely stay honest and realistic with Guy 2, (temper his eagerness?) I think if you give him an inch he'll want to take a mile... like he could get carried away very easily as he's completely head over heels for you.

[Lostfairie]

Thank you again for talking with me... I've been feeling SO alone in this, and just being able to talk to someone means the world to me:-)

 

I'm more than happy to downgrade... The biggest problem is the year lease... I could probably manage (uncomfortably, but still manage) if he moved out, but I know right now he couldn't do it. I will continue to try and persuade him to move. I'm certain we'd both benefit from a little space to clear our heads.

 

Second guy... Right?! It's crazy. The amazing part is that he doesn't seem crazy or codependent at all. He seems totally well balanced, never needy... Just insane amounts of love and romance ooze from him. That email was kind of tame. And, yes, absolutely I love it because its different from other guy. He was never much of a romantic. Honestly, I truly thought that guys like this didnt even exist. That they were just a figment of hollywood's imagination. I wonder sometimes if it's bc of his culture (he's hispanic, I'm caucasion... I've never dated anyone outside of my race before)... Or because he's 24 and hasn't been jaded to love yet. I worry a ton about his age as well... I've never dated anyone younger than me.

 

I work hard to tame his eagerness, but he is so determined. I don't even have to give him an inch for him to take a mile. But he's never aggressive about it either. Argh!

[lylat333]

Maybe as he continues to get the feeling you genuinely don't want to live with him, he'll find a way to make something else work. I have no idea, but I hope you all can figure something out.

 

Haha, well, I would say telling someone you are their religion comes off as needy, but I hear you. And yeah, about his age I was going to mention he sounds like someone who hasn't had his heart truly broken... that's just not something you say to someone before you're ever in a relationship imo.

 

He sounds like quite the sweet talker, and I'm not saying he's a bad guy or anything but I personally would stay a bit wary. To play a little devil's advocate, a passion that can fire up so fast and intense can be a double-edged sword. You don't want him to go from "telling himself not to fall in love with you"... and then doing it... and then using that same line and over-the-top thinking with someone else. Again, I'm not saying this is him but I also know there are guys who really have no filter or restraint when it comes to saying what it takes to get whatever they want.

 

You're a successful woman who means well, I would think you've got your pick from a lot of guys and you may not even realize it. I feel pretty strongly that some much-needed time and space away from options tugging at your heart strings would really clear your head. Wishing you the best.

Edited August 21, 2013 by lylat333

[Lostfairie]

Yes... Sweet talker. That's exactly what I tell him.

 

The truth is is that I have had a really hard time believing that he's real. Jaded in love me can't possibly think that anyone could be so incredibly sweet and awesome. But, he really and truly has me believing that this is real. Not just that, but now I wonder sometimes if the rest of it was real... Does that make sense? I believe with all of my heart that if you put him up against a firing squad of a hundred of the most cynical people regarding love, he would have a believer out of all of them. That being said, I do worry about months from now... Years from now... When real life kicks in, will he feel like he got gipped? If he believes so strongly that love can be so intense and earth shattering, what happens when love goes to the next stage? I do talk to him about this and he responds by researching how to make love last and communication exercises and stages of relationship growth... Then talks to me about how we are going to handle life's ups and downs... I try to share all of my "bad" qualities with him, hoping he'll realize that he can't possibly know how he'll react. He responds by putting together a dissertation on how he will respond to each of these. He is so committed to me... I've never had anyone be so certain of me... I'm not even certain of myself.

 

Bf(for lack of better name), on the other hand, knows me. Knows all of my faults and loves me in spite of them.

 

Right now I think I'm about as alone as I can get right this very second. I'll keep trying for more...

[Lostfairie]

Also, btw, remember, I'm his boss, so... He knows if he's playing me, I'll fire his butt;-)

 

(Totally kidding btw)

[lylat333]

I think it's very possible to be incredibly sweet and awesome, and sincere about it. It's just my very personal opinion that I would be on guard with him as to me it seems like too much, too soon. Infatuation can blind a person, and it feels so real when you're in it.

 

Reality will set in, and true love is what carries people through the rockier times.

 

My advice is to err on the side of caution, don't do things that are going to put you in an even trickier situation. The fact that you're their boss seems like it makes this all way more complicated... If something happens between you and guy 2 it seems like you would be left in such a tough spot.

[Lostfairie]

Caution... Got it. Yeah, that's where I'm trying to be now... Do you have any suggestions to try and get him to simmer down a little?

 

I'm so worried that maybe I like him so much bc he's so romantic and sweet, which I've never experienced before. Then, when the newness wears off what will be left of us? He swears that he will always be this way if I just give him a chance to show me, but really? Who could possibly maintain that? No foul to him, just seems like human nature to me...

 

BF on the other hand has never really done any of this. I would beg him to only give me one gift for Christmas and Bdays... A card. Something where I could actually hear how he felt about me. I think he would have rather gotten me jewelry, but he succumbed to my pleas and twice a year I got to revel in his softer side.

 

So, I had something really weird happen last night... I'm curious about your take on it. I received a package in the mail. It was addressed to me, had my address, seemed to be sent from china (assuming ordered online), and had the area code and exchange for my phone number printed on the bag... The last four digits were wrong. Anyway, it was a dress. The weird thing is that only four people have my address. My mother, father, BF, and guy 2. All of them swear that they didn't send it. I have my old address which is 900 miles away from where I currently live on everything, including my work. I live in a high rise which has crazy amounts of security, and no one could just follow me up to the condo and get the number. The only people who could possibly have it are delivery drivers, people that work at the building and the two other people that live on my floor. I'm SO confused! Guy 2 says maybe it's BF, trying to freak me out thinking that I have a stalker to make me run back to his arms. I really don't think that's the case... He seemed pretty irritated when he saw that someone had sent me something... I'm 200% certain it wasn't guy B and mom and dad said no. It's driving me crazy! I'm sure it's probably nothing awful, but it is so strange... Also that it came since I'm newly single... Any thoughts?

[lylat333]

Caution... Got it. Yeah, that's where I'm trying to be now... Do you have any suggestions to try and get him to simmer down a little?

 

I would just explain to him that you've got a lot going on now and aren't ready to jump into an intense new relationship. He said he would be willing to wait 'forever' for you and seems more than willing to be respectful to your wishes... shouldn't be a problem for him, right?

 

when the newness wears off what will be left of us? He swears that he will always be this way if I just give him a chance to show me, but really? Who could possibly maintain that? No foul to him, just seems like human nature to me...

 

It is human nature. Even hopeless romantics go through hills and valleys.

 

That said, not all guys are like your BF. (but you broke up, right?) It's not unrealistic at all to expect to find a guy who enjoys getting you sentimental things or sweet gifts, even years in the future.

 

As for the package, the only thing that makes any sense is guy 2 even though you said you're 200% sure it's not him. You didn't accidentally order it, right? If I had to guess it seems like some weird elaborate gesture on the part of guy 2. Maybe he wants to see how you react to it, and if you like it surprise you with the fact that yes, it was him. I don't know... he just seems like the type of person that for better or worse you can't put much past him. I don't know the guy so I don't want to incriminate him but if I was going to bet on it he's the only person I would consider.

Edited August 23, 2013 by lylat333

[Lostfairie]

I keep telling guy 2 how much I'm going through... Doesn't seem to help one bit... Only seems to encourage him, and of course make him sad.

 

Yup, I broke up with BF... I should probably call him something else...

 

You don't really trust guy 2 do you? Not that I blame you... I think if someone told me about him I'd probably be a little wary myself. He swears he's never been this way about anyone before and I do tend to believe in him. This is what I think has got him so smitten: I'm his boss, he looks up to me crazy amounts irrespective of the romance... I hope that this doesn't sound narcissistic, but I've done a ton of soul searching to figure out how anyone could possibly adore me this much? The only thing I can come up with I'd that it's like a little boy crush on a celebrity. I don't think he's come across any pretty, successful, smart women in his life and I seem like a rare gem.

 

I mention this bc I cannot imagine he could ever think that much into some plot... He's probably the most innocent creature I've ever met in my life... If he wanted to get something for me, he'd get it, plan some huge romantic venture around it and present it on a bed of roses... Naked... ;-) he's like a studly child who's got every one of his favorite foods, cars, wishes, dreams and hopes all in one sitting... Argh! That sounds awful:-/ I think more than anything I just don't deserve him. He's way too good for all of us.

[lylat333]

LOL. I'm glad there are some posts on LS that start to bring a smile to my face...

 

"Trust, but verify" is my mantra on this. I don't mean to make guy 2 to be a manipulative, nefarious person. He may very well completely genuine and sincere... even still I say be very wary.

 

Haha, no one is too good for us all, are they? I think you should give yourself more credit. If you are pretty, successful, and smart... I said earlier I would think you have your pick out of a lot that you probably don't even realize.

 

I'll be curious to find out if you ever get the scoop on where the dress came from. Are you really OK w/ the idea of dating someone who works for you? Granted it's a sad state of affairs when occupation complicates a potential relationship, but maybe you would have a far less stressful life if you didn't.

 

I think if someone told me about him I'd probably be a little wary myself.

 

Crazy thing about love and when you're in an emotional state... everything is so truly skewed. Things can look so much different to everyone on the outside looking in. What scares me is if I ever come across stuff I said to someone when I was in an emotional state in the past... I'm like, "oh man, I was off my rocker." But you're a different person when you're in it, and I understand. I don't mean to sound so negative or a naysayer about everything, just genuinely concerned about the situation and would hate for you to jump from one sticky situation to another one.

[patience-patience]

Hi Lostfairie,

 

I have a quick question for you. What could your (ex) boyfriend do to get you back? Lots of us are in his situation so having your perspective would help us a lot!

 

Thanks

[Lostfairie]

As far as someone being too good for all of us... Hmmm... Probably not, but he gets pretty close...

 

I really am trying to be cautious... I'm picking the possibility of us being apart far more than I ever have or would have in the past. For a ton of reasons, but more than anything, bc he does work for me... And so does guy number 1! Argh! What a mess!!!

 

Yes. Working with someone, especially in an employee/employer relationship is really tough... Border lining on awful. Not necesarilly bc we work together, but bc of all of the possible repercussions. So, here's my biggest weakness in life... Seriously, if I were to change this I would be pretty awesome... I fall in love with people I work with... Guy 1 is not the first doctor that's worked for me that I've been in a relationship with... Also a nurse... Now a manager:-/... Only one has ended disastrously... But it is NEVER good. So, I know you are thinking, why in heck do you do it?! How much of an idiot can you be to do it again?! You know what they say about doing the same things over and over and expecting different results being the definition of insanity? Sometimes I think that's me... But... Here's my thing...

 

I have a really hard time dating people until I get to know them... I'm really passionate about my career and I love people who are equally passionate about their careers... But if we're both passionate about the same career... Wow! That's a turn on... Also, I don't do any of the standard ways of meeting people for a bunch of reasons, including that I work quite a bit and I'm not big into bars and big social things... And last but not least (and the biggest problem by far and away), I cannot control myself when it comes to my feelings... Especially when I have to see them every day. I mean, for example, guy 2 has his office next to mine and it takes every bit of my will power not to call him in and have my way with him when he stares at me with his little puppy dog eyes and sends me texts about his undying love... Yes. I know this makes me weak, but it is pretty much my only big one... It's just a really bad one:-/

 

But there are a ton of other issues also that I'm concerned about... His age, for one. I've never had any desire to date a younger man. I've always wondered how women can do that... When I'm 50 and he's 40 and every girl between here and Mars is throwing themselves at him and I'm in menopause?! Geesh! How can I possibly compete with limber young things who throw theirs legs behind their heads and think he's a god?! He swears that every day he'll love me more, but how can he possibly know that? I've never been insecure, and I don't think I ever would, but... Who wouldn't given those circumstances?

 

Stability is another concern. I love taking care of myself... I love taking care of my significant other... That will never change. But , if we were to have a child and something happened to me? To my income? What would we/he do? I feel awful thinking this though:-/

 

Yeah, I'd really love to find out who sent the dress... I'm thinking at this point that it's either a stalker or some type of identity theif... Neither is very appealing, but I don't think I'll ever know unless if they do something else... Such is life!

[Lostfairie]

Patience,

 

Hmmm... I think that's changed from day to day... I really do think that NC is the best in most situations... But, specifically for me? He could ask me to marry him. Like, not "yeah, we can get married," but the whole nine yards... I'm not even saying that I would say yes immediately, but I wouldn't say no. It would probably be the factor that put me over the top. But for our situation, my problem was his lack of commitment... (And a few other things, but that was the big one)... And much less so, lack of feeling loved (so, romance)...

 

BUT, at this point, it's been several weeks... I'd have to say probably NC. If he would have done it immediately, I would have responded positively (not that I would respond negatively now), but now I'm in the process of processing a lot of information and trying to figure out what I want... So I need to do that...

 

Why did y'all break up? Does she know you are committed to her?

[patience-patience]

Thanks for your reply, Lostfairie.

 

My (ex) girlfriend and you are apparently in the same situation, and I am in the shoes of your (ex) boyfriend. Same age, she also wants a child soon. We had a long term relationship, and she met guy #2 at work, when she moved to a new country (I was going to follow a few months later). She broke up with me to be with the other guy, although I know that she is having second thoughts. There is also a large age difference between her and guy #2 (he is 12 yrs older), and he is also apparently passionate and does everything for her (she called this refreshing). To continue with the similarities, I am like your bf, I have lost quite a lot of weight over this, and I also drink whiskey to fall asleep! The only difference is that I've not cheated on her. Her reasons for leaving me are similar to yours: lack of strong commitment and not enough romance/affection.

 

How are the conversations with your boyfriend these days? Do you still often talk about your relationship? Do you know exactly what he wants? To his defense, I think that, as guys, there are things that we only understand when we get dumped. I read a great book about this called "make up, don't break up", which explains how a temporary break up can be a strong wake-up call for guys. Does he want you back?

 

Regarding your question "Does she know you are committed to her?" - yes, she knows. A few weeks after she broke up with me, I actually flew transatlantic to tell her that it was clear to me now that I wanted to marry her and have kids together. She was touched and at some point I felt like she was really 50/50 between coming back with me and trying things out with guy #2. We have been in low contact for the last few weeks. Why do you think no contact is a good idea to make you lean towards your (ex) boyfriend instead of the new guy?

 

This isn't an easy situation for anyone. I understand your confusion between keeping/restarting a stable relationship with your boyfriend, although it's wasn't perfect, and trying something new with guy #2, knowing that by doing this, you would totally lose your boyfriend. If your boyfriend has made it clear that he understood his mistakes and wants to work on your relationship, maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. You probably know him enough to see if he is sincere or not. A new guy will always be more exciting at the beginning, and he is probably going the extra mile because he knows that your boyfriend is still in the picture.

 

Would you consider breaking up with guy #2 to spend time alone? Spending a few weeks/months single could bring some clarity to your situation ... although then, there is always the risk to lose both.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Lost...

I think the problem is you are trying to chose between them. That is not at all the right thing to do.

 

Here's why...you are so new in the relationship 2 that you are still seeing everything through the new relationship chemical fog. That will dissipate in a couple months no matter what.

 

So pretend R2 is not in the picture...at all. Because frankly, it is an untested relationship.

 

Just deal with R1. What I got from what I read was this (I like lists)

1. Long term relationship, no real problems you were happy. Sticking point is wanting children

2. He cheats. You rug sweep.

3. Cheating, whys and wherefores not addressed. You forgive due to external pressures.

3b. You come as a package at work. (He works for you)

3c. you cannot afford your apartment alone.

4. After you break up he realizes he loves you.

5. He is now "willing" to have kids.

6. The relationship...in looking back has other areas of compromise (think carefully to determine if you are re writing history now.)

7. If no work/financial issues you would likely have broken up over the cheating?

 

when I write it like this...I think the issue is that R1 is mortally wounded. And before you cover it with a nice shirt, you need to go back and address the cheating. It's possible you cannot forgive. It's also possible that you can and a real assessment of that relationship will determine its viability.

 

Deal with R1. No more R2...in fact, you need to go LC no more, feelings talk until you have dealt with R1.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[MrE_UK]

But there are a ton of other issues also that I'm concerned about... His age, for one. I've never had any desire to date a younger man. I've always wondered how women can do that... When I'm 50 and he's 40 and every girl between here and Mars is throwing themselves at him and I'm in menopause?! Geesh! How can I possibly compete with limber young things who throw theirs legs behind their heads and think he's a god?! He swears that every day he'll love me more, but how can he possibly know that? I've never been insecure, and I don't think I ever would, but... Who wouldn't given those circumstances?

 

Hi Lost,

 

Because you were cheated on, you now fear it. That fear and worry, then turns into anxiety (something I struggle with too!). You then experience the "flight or fight" feelings, and leave...or he does. You'll ask millions of questions, be distrusting, keep a distance, get angry at his responses to your requests for reassurance, monitor him, read into things through distorted views, and make life miserable for both of you.

 

Here's an aside: "What if that doesn't happen?" Just because you think he's a god, doesn't mean everyone else does, and also doesn't mean he's a cheat either. You should give him reasons not to...this thinking would push him away. How many 25 year olds do you see walking around with 45 year olds?

 

I would deal with the cheating first and seek some relationship counselling to deal with it. Heal from the first if you do/don't want that relationship, then move on afresh. Healthier for you, and others. If #1 is over, explain to #2 you need to heal after the hurt, and need to work on you; but, keep it casual and fun for now.

Edited August 24, 2013 by MrE_UK

[Lostfairie]

Patience... Sorry it took me so long to reply...

 

First, yes. That is eerie how similar our situations are. Good news for you if she and I are similar people... I get closer to want to take him back every day.

 

In answer to your questions...

 

How are the conversations with your boyfriend these days?

I guess they are ok... We don't talk a ton, but we live together. I'm thinking we're both trying to give the other distance. The first few days he tried to get back together with me, but since then he just shows his misery.

 

Do you still often talk about your relationship?

See above... Not really. He'll make little comments here and there...

 

Do you know exactly what he wants?

I think so... I'm pretty certain at this point he wants me back. I'm not certain how long that will last though. He does seem more in love with me than ever.

 

To his defense, I think that, as guys, there are things that we only understand when we get dumped. I read a great book about this called "make up, don't break up", which explains how a temporary break up can be a strong wake-up call for guys. Does he want you back?

See above. I agree.

 

So, as far as NC and why I think it's a better move at this point?

Bc I guess I am in a similar situation to your ex. I would have wanted you to make some grand gesture to begin with... Since that was something you (apparently) wouldn't have done before. But since you didn't, I need to be able to make my mistakes on my own. Living without you is the only way for me to completely miss you... And come back... That is, only IF she knows completely that you are committed this time. Have you made that clear to her? Bc if you haven't, even if she does realize the err of her ways, she may logically think nothing is going to change. NC will most likely be the thing that gives her that final push in your direction.

 

As far as being alone... Yeah, I'm trying to get there. It's really hard given that I work with both of them.

 

I have to run to work now... If you want to chat I'll try and be much more timely in my replies...

[patience-patience]

Thank you for your detailed answer, Lostfairie

 

I hope you and her are wired the same way ;-) What is making you lean towards your boyfriend? Feelings or more logical/practical reasons? Does he know it? I guess not.

 

May I ask you how often you see guy #2? Do you see him just at work, or do you also spend evenings and weekends with him? I guess you don't bring him home since your boyfriend also lives there. I know that my girlfriend sees him outside of work 2 or 3 times per week so I worry that she may start seriously moving towards him. Do you compare the 2 guys? It's a weird situation.

 

Regarding the grand gesture, well, I didn't show up on a white horse and ask her to marry me no, but I flew across the ocean, showed up unexpectedly at her doorstep, professed my love for her, and told her that I had understood my mistakes, wanted to marry her and have kids. It may not have been grandiose enough? She was definitely surprised and it made her shift from "I am certain it's over" to "you're right, I am not sure about my decision".

 

Regarding commitment, yes, she knows that I am totally committed ... we have been in a committed, although not married, relationship for 6 years, mostly living together, and we never cheated on each other. I shouldn't have waited so long to propose to her but I clearly told her that the breakup made me realize that it's what I wanted. She is afraid that it's a temporary reaction to the breakup. She is also afraid that in the long term nothing will change regarding romance/affection, i.e., she will always want more than what I naturally provide. So, you're right, she probably logically thinks that nothing is going to change.

 

After 1 month of long discussions, and me trying to convince her to come back, we are now in low contact (1 email every ~10 days for the last 4 weeks). She says that she misses me and that a lot of things make her think of me but the last time we talked about the relationship she said she doesn't want me back *now*. I am wondering if these are breadcrumbs or if she is still totally confused. Do you think low/no contact is still the best way to go at this point? Or should I remind her of my commitment at some point? My psy says that I should make it look like I am done with her. How would you react if your boyfriend was moving out of the apartment and start living his own life?

 

Well, thanks again for your input, it's nice to be able to talk to someone who is in the same situation. If your boyfriend is like me, he is probably just waiting and wondering when you'll come back to him, not really knowing what he can do to ease the situation. After a while the crazy love feelings (i.e., I would do anything to get her back) seem to diminish but the deeper love doesn't go away, and I would still take her back immediately. I always thought that if she left me for someone else it would be the end of things for me, but love is stronger ... and I don't think my deep feelings for her will change anytime soon.

Edited August 27, 2013 by patience-patience