Author Stercrazy Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 A picture stuck out in my head that's on my FB. Its me holding up a funny shirt while we were shopping. I think that was the day I felt her disconnect. It was about 2 weeks or so before the BU. Even though she's not in the picture I know she took it. I think I might just go ahead a delete it as it reminds me of her and how I felt the disconnect. Link to post Share on other sites
sabd Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Good on you for doing a hard No Contact. I know it's not easy. But it sounds like your head is clear. Rooting for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 I do have one question. She brought over a telescope that her ex-husband was not using. After the BU I told her I can just drop it off when she wasn't home. She declined and said it was a gift. So now I have this thing that reminds me of her. Should I give it back? I would do it when she's not home. Its a good telescope and I would feel bad just throwing it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 Of course I know the answer. I'll post my feelings in a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 OK so logically there is no need to drop off the telescope. TBH I could care less and I'm sure so could she. After talking about it with a friend (who is a therapist....so am I) he thinks that I'm not letting go yet. He also explained that it sounds like I want to insight a response from her....just so she knows I have blocked her on everything. She can't call or text even. And what I really want is for her to work at getting my attention. Now I understand there is very little chance of that. She went back to an ex so is it a possibility.... Yes but I think her wanting to get in touch with me is very slim. Now the question is why am I having a hard time letting go? I have my strong moments and my weak moments are becoming less frequent. The relationship itself was.......OK. She wasn't the best GF in the world. She had some issues that also contributed to the BU. She was attractive but not stopping traffic attractive. So why is a part of me hanging on? Wish I had that answer....lol. Link to post Share on other sites
whatcanitellyou Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 My feeling is that you're emotionally unavailable and she got tired of it. You can't be all in with a relationship if you're still on the "i don't want to get hurt" train. Being fully present in a relationship requires us to risk getting hurt, and since you're not ready to risk that you're never fully present. And you subconsciously require her to jump through all kinds of hoops to show you she won't hurt you, but nobody can guarantee that, including you. We all the best we can and sometimes things don't work out. When you're out of that mindset you'll be ready for something more serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 My feeling is that you're emotionally unavailable and she got tired of it. You can't be all in with a relationship if you're still on the "i don't want to get hurt" train. Being fully present in a relationship requires us to risk getting hurt, and since you're not ready to risk that you're never fully present. And you subconsciously require her to jump through all kinds of hoops to show you she won't hurt you, but nobody can guarantee that, including you. We all the best we can and sometimes things don't work out. When you're out of that mindset you'll be ready for something more serious. Yes I was somewhat emotionally unavailable.... And her issue was insecurity and emotionally needy. These were the issues in the relationship. I was very open and honest about why at times she might feel me emotionally pull back. I think when I broke up with her....because of her needyness she was very angry about that after we got back together. She wasn't one to fully express herself....which was also an issue. My question to myself is why haven't I let go of an "OK" relationship? Why do I want her to work for my attention? That's really what I'm asking. We both held back important aspects that a solid relationship needs. After I said NC back in early November..... I was pretty good. I did call her for her bday (end of Nov.) And then NC until she wished me a happy bday (Feb). She did wish me a merry Christmas but I didn't respond. I was really good until her friend texted me in early Feb to see if I would respond to her......like sonar on a sub. There was no REAL reason for her text. And since then I have had a problem letting go and I don't know why. Link to post Share on other sites
whatcanitellyou Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Yes I was somewhat emotionally unavailable.... And her issue was insecurity and emotionally needy. These were the issues in the relationship. I was very open and honest about why at times she might feel me emotionally pull back. I think when I broke up with her....because of her needyness she was very angry about that after we got back together. She wasn't one to fully express herself....which was also an issue. My question to myself is why haven't I let go of an "OK" relationship? Why do I want her to work for my attention? That's really what I'm asking. We both held back important aspects that a solid relationship needs. After I said NC back in early November..... I was pretty good. I did call her for her bday (end of Nov.) And then NC until she wished me a happy bday (Feb). She did wish me a merry Christmas but I didn't respond. I was really good until her friend texted me in early Feb to see if I would respond to her......like sonar on a sub. There was no REAL reason for her text. And since then I have had a problem letting go and I don't know why. But her neediness may have been the result of your unavailability. Nobody wants to get hurt but if you've got one foot out the door emotionally it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. It's not fair to get involved when you're not going to be fully present, because you'll hold the power and the relationship will be on your terms. She probably wanted things to work with you but got tired, and maybe from time to time she wonders if you're emotionally available yet. FYI, you think you're protecting yourself but you're not. All you do is deprive yourself of real intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 But her neediness may have been the result of your unavailability. Nobody wants to get hurt but if you've got one foot out the door emotionally it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. It's not fair to get involved when you're not going to be fully present, because you'll hold the power and the relationship will be on your terms. She probably wanted things to work with you but got tired, and maybe from time to time she wonders if you're emotionally available yet. FYI, you think you're protecting yourself but you're not. All you do is deprive yourself of real intimacy. True on my part....which I was openly honest about. She was honest about her neddiness and where it came from though. Long before she met me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 (edited) I also think it was possible I was a rebound for her. I said that during our breakup. She denied it though and pointed out another short relationship that she had was a rebound. Yet she goes back to her ex....although never really identified him as her BF during our last contact. Said she "wanted to see where it goes", " the timing was wrong", "I'm currently happy", " I love you but not in love with you", "are you dating?"..... just trying to wrap my head around this. Edited March 6, 2015 by Stercrazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) OK so I know NC is the standard on the forum and for the most part it works in healing. For my situation I felt I needed having the last convo with my ex as I was stuck holding on to something that wasn't there. During NC from the beginning of November until her bday at the end of November was a little rough. Then NC from the end of November until mid Feb. was going pretty good however when her friend texted in the beginning of February that's when things got bad for me. I knew her friend and we spoke a lot after the breakup. She would tell me things like "she's having regrets...trust me", " you still have a chance"....ect. So when her friend texted me in early February I knew it was nothing more then to get a response from me. From that point on until my ex wished me a happy bday she was all I could think about. Then my bday. 2 days after that I broke NC leading to our last convo. For me I think it helped to heal a little better and start to move on. Now.....for the first week it wasn't so good but it has helped really put things into perspective. I have had some good days and some bad ones. But I think breaking NC has forced these feelings out and I can honestly say I'm thinking more positively. Even went out on a lunch date recently. No I don't think I'm going to pursue anything with this woman as I'm not really attractive to her but it was important for my confidence. Today I'm ready to let go. Thinking of my ex isn't so painful now. I do deserve better as my clear thinking has really made me look at that relationship. So I guess I want to say that sometimes.....not all the time but sometimes breaking NC is a good thing. If a last convo helps a person move on then it's a good thing. I did want to get back together with her and now I don't. I am becoming indifferent to her. Thinking of her going back to her ex really doesn't negatively effect me as much as when she first told me. If I ever ran into her I would probably keep it short and casual.....maybe just a smile and wave. Kind of like "I remember you".... and that's pretty much it. There are so many more important things in life then being depressed about a breakup. It happened....its over....lesson learned....time to move on. Time to love again. Edited March 11, 2015 by Stercrazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 OK......so.......re-orginizing things in the house after some home improvement. Found last year's Bday card. Nothing "special" written inside. She didn't even put my name on the envelope. All it said was "To my boyfriend" and ended "wishing you all the best always......love her". Not sure why it hurt when I found it. Didn't seem like she was " all in" either. Wish I could figure that out. Wish I could find my forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 (edited) And so tonight she sent me a message via FB messenger that said "Hola! Apparently I'm not blocked so I would like to take this opportunity to say hello. (My daughter) looks so grown up and beautiful! We (her and her kids) often remember you guys.. Hope all is well (smiley face)." No I haven't responded nor accepted the message. Edited April 13, 2016 by Stercrazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stercrazy Posted April 20, 2016 Author Share Posted April 20, 2016 So I responded with "Yup.....all is well. Thanks. Take care." She responded with "ok...lol." I think that speaks volumes as to where I am. I'm doing me. Being single and embracing it. Am I over her? No. I was in love however what I know is my value to her wasn't much and I will love again. I deserve better. I'm not "plan B" and no one else should be either. It does get better but everyone is different. It does get better though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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