Anger Towards AP

[GoldieLox]

Rainbowlove, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. Though yours and my stories are completely different, so much of what you write in this thread resonates with me. I find myself reading what you wrote several times over. Thank you again, and keep being angry.

 

And much to DKT's dismay, Judas Priest rocks

[jbrent890]

Rainbowlove, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. Though yours and my stories are completely different, so much of what you write in this thread resonates with me. I find myself reading what you wrote several times over. Thank you again, and keep being angry.

 

And much to DKT's dismay, Judas Priest rocks

 

Goldie how is your marriage going btw if you don't mind me asking? We never got an update in that department.

[GoldieLox]

Goldie how is your marriage going btw if you don't mind me asking? We never got an update in that department.

 

I don't really want to thread-jack Rainbow, so I'll keep it brief. I'm trying to decide whether I want to be in the marriage anymore. It's a long, drawn out process of trying to figure it and myself out. I'm trying to get back in with my old IC from years ago because she knew me the best and was the most effective.

[goodyblue]

Rainbow, I was born and raised Mormon. Although I find it farcical now, I can understand why she would be angry with you. If you know anything about Mormons you know that the church teaches if you live a gay lifestyle you will never be able to be in the presence of God when you die. Certainly that could not be HER fault! She had to blame someone, you just happened to be in the crosshairs. Kinda sad.

 

Just know you didn't make her do one thing. She needs to be responsible for her actions and if she can't, NOT your problem. Take care of YOU.

 

Good luck sweetie.

[Rainbowlove]

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

I try to imangine life, 20 years from now and wonder if they will still be so deeply embedded in our minds and hearts. Or of it will be like any other past relationship, just a distant memory.

 

I think they will be like other relationships that end and eventually, after we do all our healing work, fade away.

 

I absolutely refuse to stay in a stuck place emotionally, mentally and spiritually with my XAP.

 

In that letting go of her and her fading away remains all the lessons learned from the experience with her, though.

 

Those things I'll hold on to forever.

[Mal78]

My therapist has told me you see more clarity through anger. Anger is the best emotion to get through healing.

 

She has also suggested that I write "hate/anger notes". Gosh... I could write pages (they were just notes!! Point form) and when I was done I was to tear them up and throw them away.

 

At first I thought it was silly, then I was upset that I could literally write for 2 hours and then just throw that way... that it was a waste. Then, I found it VERY helpful! Every vile, horrible bits of anger can come out. It's just you writing/reading it.

 

I hope this is it for you and you can soon find peace.

[Confused48]

I was never angry. Disgusted by both of us but never angry. Even when he threw me under the bus I never got angry. It wasn't an important step for me. We were both to blame. He owed me nothing. I find I was more disgusted with him than myself when he tried to reignite the a. But then that made me more disgusted with myself because I had got involved with him. Soooo... Still no anger.

 

Now, as I hear of him cheating once again and then her cheating in revenge I feel pity for them and the life they choose to lead. And thank the gods I'm no longer around them

 

(I felt anger towards his BS so I do get anger)

 

This seems odd. I could see if you wanted to end up with the AP and the BS did something to stop that. However you have said many times that yours was not an exit A. Why the anger for the BS?

[Chasing_mya]

It's not a bad thing to be angry with her. This is all a process and you need to go through the motions in order to heal. You did what was right for you, if she wants to be childish and not take responsibility for her part in the affair-that's on her. She has alot of maturing to do. You did the right thing and in time you'll feel a relief, like a weight has been lifted because you made the right decision. Wishing you much peace on your journey.

[Rainbowlove]

It's not a bad thing to be angry with her. This is all a process and you need to go through the motions in order to heal. You did what was right for you, if she wants to be childish and take responsibility for her part in the affair-that's on her. She has alot of growing up to do. You did the right thing and in time you'll feel a relief, like a weight has been lifted because you made the right decision. Wishing you much peace on your journey.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm SO ready to be at the end of this journey, but....not there yet.

 

I keep taking each day as they come. I'll feel it until I feel absolutely nothing from the thought of her.

 

I have been sharing my anger with my wife. She said, it's about time. I was surprised by that.

 

There's a fine line of what to share with my wife and not to share with my wife. Some days I don't know where the balance is...

 

This sucks.

[GoldieLox]

This sucks.

 

Indeed.

 

Rainbow, while we're on the subject of anger, here's a question for you. Do you ever get angry at yourself for putting yourself in this situation to begin with? Yes, we're all human and we all make mistakes... but this is a hell of a one to make. I'm struggling with some anger at myself right now for putting myself here in the first place, because I know it all could've been avoided had I had some better willpower and boundaries.

[Rainbowlove]

Indeed.

 

Rainbow, while we're on the subject of anger, here's a question for you. Do you ever get angry at yourself for putting yourself in this situation to begin with? Yes, we're all human and we all make mistakes... but this is a hell of a one to make. I'm struggling with some anger at myself right now for putting myself here in the first place, because I know it all could've been avoided had I had some better willpower and boundaries.

 

Yes, I get really angry with myself for choices I've made in the affair.

 

I hurt a lot of people. I hurt people I love. I sometimes relive things I said/did and wonder why I couldn't walk away from my XAP before I did.

 

I really F'd myself up with my affair. My head is messed up. My heart is messed up. My marriage is messed up. It's hard not to be angry with myself because everyday is a struggle to move past it.

 

It's has been easier to be mad with myself more than my XAP.

 

One just has no idea how affairs really F people up until you are in one.

 

All we can do now is deal with what we've done to ourselves and hope a day comes where life feels normal again.

 

I look forward to feeling free again.

 

Be gentle with yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Once that anger gets less, focus on forgiving. Yourself and the OW. Having anger in your heart and looking backwards is not good for your future with your wife. Forgiving OW is more for your own peace of mind.

 

Have faith and just know as time goes on things will get better.

[GoldieLox]

Yes, I get really angry with myself for choices I've made in the affair.

 

I hurt a lot of people. I hurt people I love. I sometimes relive things I said/did and wonder why I couldn't walk away from my XAP before I did.

 

I really F'd myself up with my affair. My head is messed up. My heart is messed up. My marriage is messed up. It's hard not to be angry with myself because everyday is a struggle to move past it.

 

It's has been easier to be mad with myself more than my XAP.

 

One just has no idea how affairs really F people up until you are in one.

 

All we can do now is deal with what we've done to ourselves and hope a day comes where life feels normal again.

 

I look forward to feeling free again.

 

Be gentle with yourself.

 

Thank you for your candid answer, Rainbow. I think that's what I'm struggling the most with, is the fact that my choices led me to feel so F'ed up right now. I hurt myself and I hurt people I love. I don't believe it's fair that xMM gets to go on with his life like everything is fine, while I'm the one left feeling sad, hurt and confused. But that's the nature of affairs. I'm just so angry all around at the whole situation I guess.

 

Again, thank you for sharing. It helps to know a lot of us are in the same boat in one way, shape or form.

[Confused48]

Yes, I get really angry with myself for choices I've made in the affair.

 

I hurt a lot of people. I hurt people I love. I sometimes relive things I said/did and wonder why I couldn't walk away from my XAP before I did.

 

I really F'd myself up with my affair. My head is messed up. My heart is messed up. My marriage is messed up. It's hard not to be angry with myself because everyday is a struggle to move past it.

 

It's has been easier to be mad with myself more than my XAP.

 

One just has no idea how affairs really F people up until you are in one.

 

All we can do now is deal with what we've done to ourselves and hope a day comes where life feels normal again.

 

I look forward to feeling free again.

 

Be gentle with yourself.

 

Thank you for your candid answer, Rainbow. I think that's what I'm struggling the most with, is the fact that my choices led me to feel so F'ed up right now. I hurt myself and I hurt people I love. I don't believe it's fair that xMM gets to go on with his life like everything is fine, while I'm the one left feeling sad, hurt and confused. But that's the nature of affairs. I'm just so angry all around at the whole situation I guess.

 

Again, thank you for sharing. It helps to know a lot of us are in the same boat in one way, shape or form.

 

Thank you both for your posts, not just these but all of your posts. It is helpful to me as a BS to see what a repentant WS thinks.

 

As a BS, one can't really trust what one's own WS says to them. So it is good to see that the same words, word for word, come out here where there is no intent to do damage control. Funny that bc I don't know you, then what you say, anonymously via the internet, means more to me that what my own WS says to my face.

[violet1]

Rainbow, I was born and raised Mormon. Although I find it farcical now, I can understand why she would be angry with you. If you know anything about Mormons you know that the church teaches if you live a gay lifestyle you will never be able to be in the presence of God when you die. Certainly that could not be HER fault! She had to blame someone, you just happened to be in the crosshairs. Kinda sad.

 

Just know you didn't make her do one thing. She needs to be responsible for her actions and if she can't, NOT your problem. Take care of YOU.

 

Good luck sweetie.

I also was raised Mormon. Unfortunately, I know of strong Mormon families who disown their children for being gay or leaving the church. The treatment is pretty bad. You are considered the black sheep if you break away.

 

 

I left the church when I was 18 or 19 and my family temporarily disowned me. It sucked, but I did what was right for me. I felt immediately judged by a community that my life was basically revolved around. I do not regret leaving. I will never forget this. A few years ago I ran into an old class mate who I hadn't seen in at least ten years. The first thing she asked was, "It's been so long. How are you? Are you married?" I told her yes. Next question was "Is he Mormon?" When I told her no she shunned me and walked away with her 5 children in tow. I just rolled my eyes at her.

 

 

Your ex will toughen up and the rejection she's feeling will fade. My guess is she's feeling completely rejected, alone and judged. She can be angry all she wants, but this is in no way your fault. You seem like such a caring person, but you don't need to worry about her. She will be fine. I don't know why, but for some reason I feel like I need to say that to you.

 

 

I think your therapist is right. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. She needed someone to push her into an honest way of living. She wasn't strong enough to do it herself. You did that for her and you have every right to feel angry. I really enjoy your posts. I can tell you are a good person. You continue to work on you and enjoy your family.

[Rainbowlove]

I also was raised Mormon. Unfortunately, I know of strong Mormon families who disown their children for being gay or leaving the church. The treatment is pretty bad. You are considered the black sheep if you break away.

 

Thank you very much for your words. I appreciate you reaching out.

 

I know more about Mormons now than I ever wanted to in my life. I didn't fully understand the religion when we initially became friends. I knew the Mormon churches stance against gay rights, but I had no clue of the actual life Mormon's lived daily until I met her. I didn't know anything about Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, church life, celestial beliefs, garments, Temple, excommunication, missionaries, the push to marry young and to have many children. When we met, I studied the religion hard, I wanted to understand her world.

 

I found a dissertation written by a woman from The University of Utah. Her study was on lesbian Mormons. She figured out that there's 86 thousand lesbian Mormons in the world. I would joke with my XAP and say...now there's 86,001...

 

I left the church when I was 18 or 19 and my family temporarily disowned me. It sucked, but I did what was right for me. I felt immediately judged by a community that my life was basically revolved around. I do not regret leaving. I will never forget this. A few years ago I ran into an old class mate who I hadn't seen in at least ten years. The first thing she asked was, "It's been so long. How are you? Are you married?" I told her yes. Next question was "Is he Mormon?" When I told her no she shunned me and walked away with her 5 children in tow. I just rolled my eyes at her.

 

I knew what leaving her would mean for her, which is why I stayed with her as long as I did. I remember sitting in MC with my wife and me saying to my wife and our counselor, I am not leaving this woman now. If I do, I will destroy her.

 

Gay and Lesbian Mormons have the highest suicide rate. This was a real concern of mine. She wasn't strong enough. I knew, she would be left with no one. No church, no husband, no community, no family, no after-life, no god. She would then have to face the battle of coming out, the battle to navigate her way out of the church, the battle to divorce her gay husband and the battle to build a new life.

 

I walked with her as far as I could. I hope there comes a day when she sees that on some level.

 

Your ex will toughen up and the rejection she's feeling will fade. My guess is she's feeling completely rejected, alone and judged. She can be angry all she wants, but this is in no way your fault. You seem like such a caring person, but you don't need to worry about her. She will be fine. I don't know why, but for some reason I feel like I need to say that to you.

 

Thank you. I do think she's okay now or getting there. Her life, like mine, is very much day to day.

 

It's nice to have the perspective from someone who left the Mormon church and who has found strength and peace in leaving. It gives me hope for her.

 

I think your therapist is right. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. She needed someone to push her into an honest way of living. She wasn't strong enough to do it herself. You did that for her and you have every right to feel angry. I really enjoy your posts. I can tell you are a good person. You continue to work on you and enjoy your family.

 

Thank you. I'm doing just that...working on being a better partner, person and mother.

Edited February 24, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[goodyblue]

I also was raised Mormon. Unfortunately, I know of strong Mormon families who disown their children for being gay or leaving the church. The treatment is pretty bad. You are considered the black sheep if you break away.

 

 

I left the church when I was 18 or 19 and my family temporarily disowned me. It sucked, but I did what was right for me. I felt immediately judged by a community that my life was basically revolved around. I do not regret leaving. I will never forget this. A few years ago I ran into an old class mate who I hadn't seen in at least ten years. The first thing she asked was, "It's been so long. How are you? Are you married?" I told her yes. Next question was "Is he Mormon?" When I told her no she shunned me and walked away with her 5 children in tow. I just rolled my eyes at her.

 

 

Your ex will toughen up and the rejection she's feeling will fade. My guess is she's feeling completely rejected, alone and judged. She can be angry all she wants, but this is in no way your fault. You seem like such a caring person, but you don't need to worry about her. She will be fine. I don't know why, but for some reason I feel like I need to say that to you.

 

 

I think your therapist is right. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. She needed someone to push her into an honest way of living. She wasn't strong enough to do it herself. You did that for her and you have every right to feel angry. I really enjoy your posts. I can tell you are a good person. You continue to work on you and enjoy your family.

 

Total t/j

Violet, my family did the same. Thankfully they loved me any way. It is tough to come back from. I have a good relationship with my family now. I hope you do as well

[Selfish]

This seems odd. I could see if you wanted to end up with the AP and the BS did something to stop that. However you have said many times that yours was not an exit A. Why the anger for the BS?

 

She harassed my H. Told a lot of lies and generally made life miserable. At first there was sympathy from both of us and then a lot less. The situation is interesting because her and her H were trying out an open relationship. She knew about us. she was okay with us. And then she wasn't. xMM told me it was because she hadn't been able to find anyone (not the norm and she did before and later when she actually cheated). I didnt believe that I just felt the open marriage on a broken marriage wasnt working. We hooked up one more time the day after she said stop behind her back to say good bye.

 

I touched on it in another post. But she also feels that it is the woman's job to keep men faithful. She felt and let me know that her cheating with single men was much better than mind with married man. In fact she did nothing wrong!

Edited February 25, 2015 by Selfish

[Casa]

My therapist has told me you see more clarity through anger. Anger is the best emotion to get through healing.

 

She has also suggested that I write "hate/anger notes". Gosh... I could write pages (they were just notes!! Point form) and when I was done I was to tear them up and throw them away.

 

At first I thought it was silly, then I was upset that I could literally write for 2 hours and then just throw that way... that it was a waste. Then, I found it VERY helpful! Every vile, horrible bits of anger can come out. It's just you writing/reading it.

 

I hope this is it for you and you can soon find peace.

 

 

Actually I feel more clarity after a glass of wine

[violet1]

Total t/j

Violet, my family did the same. Thankfully they loved me any way. It is tough to come back from. I have a good relationship with my family now. I hope you do as well

Yeah it's been a good 15 years. Things are fine with my family now. I don't think the LDS religion is a bad thing at all. There are a lot of good teachings that have stuck with me, but the church is just not the right fit for me.

[Noproblem]

You know

I always hate when people have an affair

 

and then they leave their partner and return to their unhappy marriage

 

this is like the ultimate betrayal to me

 

So, I think she has the right to be angry at you

 

You left her, no you shouldn't leave your son and I understand that

but you left her and chose your wife + son

 

You can always have your son, but you chose your marriage and left her, why wouldn't she be angry at you..

 

It's true she made her choices and not all of these things are because of you, but she has the right to be angry at you..

 

Simply because: You left her...

[purplesorrow]

You know

I always hate when people have an affair

 

and then they leave their partner and return to their unhappy marriage

 

this is like the ultimate betrayal to me

 

So, I think she has the right to be angry at you

 

You left her, no you shouldn't leave your son and I understand that

but you left her and chose your wife + son

 

You can always have your son, but you chose your marriage and left her, why wouldn't she be angry at you..

 

It's true she made her choices and not all of these things are because of you, but she has the right to be angry at you..

 

Simply because: You left her...

 

Where did she say her marriage was unhappy? Many of her post great love for her wife and thankfulness to have her back. I do agree on one point... I hate when people have affairs.

[road]

I didn't know where to put this, so I'm placing it here.

 

I find this forum much more supportive to the OW/AP experience than the Infidelity forum.

 

Looking for insight.

 

I see so many written threads with anger towards OM/OW/AP, but I haven't experienced one ounce of anger towards my AP at all.

 

That is...not until now.

 

I'm angry with her and I have to say, it feels kind of good. I've been moping around blaming myself for ending the affair. I've been feeling like a lousy person for leaving her behind. I've been blaming myself for the end of her marriage, for her coming out later in life, for her having to leave the Mormon church...

 

But...those were her choices, not mine.

 

She chose to divorce her gay husband, b/c he's gay...but also because she's gay.

 

She chose to be part of the Mormon church her whole life. I did not choose her god for her.

 

Why did I waste 15 months feeling bad about this?

 

I own my part. What I did was wrong. I made my choices in the affair. She made her choices in the affair.

 

She wants to blame me for where her life is now. I do not blame her for where my life is now. I did this to me. I did this to my marriage - not her.

 

Now, after 15 months I'm finally angry with her. For expecting me to leave my son, who was at the time, 2.5 years old.

 

She was a mother of 5. Could she have walked away from one of her babies at that age? I never asked her. Why? Because I knew the answer was NO.

 

So why could she expect that of me? Why would she ask that of me? Why would she then call me awful names for ending the affair and returning to my family and son.

 

Maybe I'll get bashed for this post. I'm not normally an angry person, but I'm sick and I'm on steroids. They are bringing out some real raw emotions that feel freeing in a way.

 

I'm finally mad with her. 15 months later. I'm finally mad. Is this a good sign? Is this the final step to healing for me?

 

God I hope so.

 

 

 

 

So you are mad at her for being mad at you. That is just grand.

 

 

So who started the affair?

 

 

Why did you end the affair?