Trouble Forgiving Myself

[coryreply]

Hi OP. Along with others, I want to thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and candidness.

 

In the past, I have dealt with similar feelings you have expressed - feelings of guilt, unforgiveness, etc... I'm going to tell you what helped me. Maybe it will help you, maybe it won't.

 

My whole life changed when I began a relationship with Jesus Christ. He took my sin and shame and replaced it with His grace. I've never felt so loved in all my life. I didn't walk around with the burdens from my past anymore. I finally felt free.

 

I would encourage you to explore this more on your own. Like I said, this was the game-changer for me personally. Good luck to you!

 

Romans 8:1

[Chi townD]

Well, you can drop the "victim" card from here. The thing is, you made a CHOICE and that choice was to cheat. You had the power to say no and you didn't. So, you need to accept the fact that you're not a victim here. Your BF and the OM's GF are the victims here.

 

 

If you're serious about being with your BF then you need to show him that you deserve a second chance. I mean, even though he says that he wants to work things out with you and you state that this has happened a while ago, you're not off the hook. He could still end it anytime. Have you two even considered couples counseling? Because, it seems like your BF is trying to rug sweep this whole thing and pretend that it didn't happen. And sooner or later it's going to come to a head.

 

 

You might want to discuss this with him.

[Paenitentiae]

If you're serious about being with your BF then you need to show him that you deserve a second chance. I mean, even though he says that he wants to work things out with you and you state that this has happened a while ago, you're not off the hook. He could still end it anytime. Have you two even considered couples counseling? Because, it seems like your BF is trying to rug sweep this whole thing and pretend that it didn't happen. And sooner or later it's going to come to a head.

 

 

You might want to discuss this with him.

 

ChiTown, thank you, you bring up a good point. I guess I didn't really discuss what measures my BF and I have taken toward reconciliation. After D-day, our relationship status was in limbo for a few months. My BF was not sure he could ever forgive me, and I understood. He made it very clear that he would not be able to make a final decision about whether he wanted to stay in this relationship until I could show him that it might be worth another shot. We had many in depth, intimate conversations about what happened, what led me to make the decisions I did, what measures I would take to rectify the situation. I answered all his questions, let him read every correspondence between me and OM when he asked, he already had all my passwords to everything and continues to have access to it all, I had already been in IC at the time, and I have continued it, we did a few sessions of couples counseling and I would gladly continue if he wanted to. I know that we are not out of the woods yet; we have a long road and a lot of work ahead of us. I do still worry that he will one day change his mind or that he will come to resent me, and I know that he can end it at any time. We continue to have intimate discussions about the state of our relationship and about our future, and we have been much more communicative and open with each other since D-day, which I think has brought us closer. I don't thing he fully trusts me yet, but know that will take time, and I continue to do everything I can to prove to him that he can. I don't feel he has rugswept it, but rather that we dealt with it head on as soon as I confessed, and we continue to deal with it and work on our relationship every day. For anybody who has advice on what else I or we can do to better our relationship, I would love to hear what worked for you and your spouse/partner. I know average recovery time is appx. 2.5 years so I realize we are not nearly there yet, but I am prepared to do the work for as long as it takes and for as long as he is willing to give me the chance.

 

Thank you.

[Spectre]

Spectre, I'm sorry that I disgusted you. I disgust myself too. And I, like yourself, am surprised more people didn't react the way you did. I know that my BF deserves better. I would not blame him at all if he left me. I would completely understand. Fortunately for me, he has seen who I was before all of this happened, and for the other 8 years of our relationship, and he apparently believes that I can be that person again. I will do everything in my power to show him that I can be. Unlike the OM, who is a serial cheater, for whom this kind of behavior is a pattern, it was completely out of character for me to do this kind of thing. Like I said, I have never done anything remotely similar in nature. I understand why you said the things you did, and before I experienced anything like this, I probably would have said the same myself. I now understand that what I felt for the OM was based on fantasy, it was toxic and destructive, but what I feel for my BF is authentic, is based on our years of friendship, of mutual respect, of shared ideals, of being there for each other through laughter and tears. I beat myself up every day telling myself that I don't deserve my BF, but I am thankful every day that he has given me another chance. I came here to work through my issues and not to have my sense of self-loathing beaten further into my skull. It would be futile and absolutely non-constructive to argue each point with you. I would just like to thank those who have read my story without crucifying me for my sins. Whether I deserve it or not.

 

First off, nobody is crucifying you. The problem was nobody was pointing out any of the red flags in your story that just didn't add up at all. It's not crucifying you to point out everything in your story that is contradictory. Maybe saying I was disgusted was going a bit too far, but your entire story obviously played out like you would of preferred to be with this other guy, but he couldn't get his sh*t together so then you went back to your bf, who stupidly took you back.

 

I know you talked about him seeing you for the person you were, but the problem is whoever you were doesn't matter. It matters what you did, and your actions still contradict you. You didn't have a short fling, you had a 2 year affair, complete with you trying to get him to leave his gf and being upset that he hadn't.

 

It is painfully obvious to me that if this other man had actually dumped his gf for you that you would of went with him instead of going to your boyfriend. He is very obviously your back up. Go re-read your post. Notice how you suddenly have this change of heart and realize your boyfriend is the one for you...only AFTER the other guy repeatedly played with you and refused to leave his gf. You accused the OM of stringing you along..when you were doing the same thing to your bf.

 

You say all this was out of character, but you cheated for years. At one time it was out of character, but not anymore. Especially when you had bouts of going back to your boyfriend and then going back to this OM again. It BECAME your character once you repeatedly behaved like this over a period of a few years.

 

If you had actual authentic feelings for your boyfriend then you would of never been able to have sex with another man. Isn't that all that needs to be said though? Look, I don't care whatever type of fantasies you had in your head, but the point is if you truly loved him you would of never acted on them. They would of stayed in your head, but no..you manipulated your boyfriend into fighting a lot so you could break up. Then you went to another man, let him use you for sex, all the while hoping he would leave his gf. You then go back to your boyfriend..but then you decide to contact the OM again so you can "just be friends".

 

That right there is proof you never loved your boyfriend. You would of never broke no contact. If you loved your boyfriend it would not of taken this guy showing you his true colors for you to decide to go back. I wonder how much your bf actually knows. He knows you screwed this guy, does he know the only reason you came back to him is because this guy refused to leave his gf? If he doesn't, that is vital information he needs right away.

 

But regardless, how can you sit there and say you love this guy while at the same time admitting you had sex with another man behind his back for 2 years? I don't care if you had 8 good years, you negated them all the very first time you slept with this guy. Which, like I said, how is sex with you and this other man able to happen if you love your boyfriend? Doesn't matter if you were upset or fantasizing or anything like that. Your love for your boyfriend would of prevented you from taking that fatal step into cheating territory.

Edited February 21, 2015 by Spectre

[HereNorThere]

Some betrayed spouses can get over it, some can't. If your boyfriend can get over it and you're going to be the best person you can from here on, that's that.

 

Just don't ever, under any circumstances, ever talk to OM again. 2 years is an extremely long time to have an affair, so you can't say this is out of your character. Just know that you have this weakness and never, ever put yourself in this position again. If you're serious, change your phone number, email address, deactivate all social media accounts. No excuses - I don't wanna hear "but I need that email/facebook for my job." NO EXCUSES.

 

I know you think you're over cheating, but you don't have as much control over it as you think. If you did, you would have done it for TWO YEARS!

 

And the no contact thing should be for any person in your life that you've ever had any sort of attraction for. Recovering alcoholics shouldn't be at the bar.

 

And on the guilt, it's a little early to be relieved of it. Be happy you came to your senses and embrace the shame. You need it to help you stay clean.

 

Good luck and regardless of what everyone else says, I have faith in you. You're doing the right things now and that's all you can do. Just don't put yourself back into the "normal person" category just yet. If you had that much impulse control, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[Spectre]

Well yes, if your boyfriend isn't going to walk away, yes you need to have no contact. This doesn't just involve you not talking to the guy, it involves making sure he has no way to talk to you either. As someone else said: blocking all his phone numbers, emails, etc. Make it so he can't view your FB, make it so nobody can view your FB unless they are on your friends list. Do not attend any social gatherings with even the remote chance you might see the guy.

 

You said you met the guy in class, so if you have any classes with him in the future you need to drop the class or switch to a different one. I also think you still owe it to your boyfriend to make sure he knows every detail, every single detail you have told us? He should know. Specifically, the fact that you went back to him only because the OM told you he would never leave his gf for you. He deserves to know that, he deserves all the facts in order to make a true decision about staying with you. If you have made him aware of every single fact you have mentioned here then..kudos to you I guess.

 

One last thing, you realize that if your boyfriend does stay with you..that the no contact thing doesn't just apply to this other guy. What I'm saying is, since you broke his trust and did all this, it's not right for you to really have any male friends, or go out consuming alcohol around other dudes with your boyfriend not around, etc. I have no idea if you have a lot of guy friends or associate with a lot of dudes, but if you do, they all have to go. At least, in my opinion they would have to go. It would at least show your boyfriend you're serious.

[pheonixrisen]

I agree with spectre ...I read your post and the following responses and I was quite surprised to see the response nobody called you on how your post came across as you are with bf only coz the om refused to leave his gf so you realised after 2 long years how your bf is actually the one and only...it came across like at the end of this race your bf was not the trophy but the consolation prize...

 

How is it you did not come to this realisation the first time he dumped you??

You went back to your bf only to go back to the om. ...

 

You are lucky to have this guy who is willing to move forward with you in spit of your actions...wear your big girl panties on and work on your self and stop playing the victim how you cannot forgive your self ...I suggest you move forward by proving through your actions you are worth being in this relationship ....otherwise you constantly mentioning it and how you cannot forgive yourself ...is like a wound that you constantly scratch and it does not heal...

 

A question for you

 

You cannot forgive your self for what ? That after your appalling behaviour and the fact that the only reason you are with bf because the om refused to leave his gf ...and that's the only reason you came to the realisation your bf is the one ..If the om chose you , your bf would be discarded without a second thought ...and you cannot believe after all this he still wants to be with you.while you are with him by default ...so you live with guilt and are finding it difficult to forgive and move forward

[Paenitentiae]

Spectre:

I understand what you are saying. I really do. I realize that it appears I simply went back to my BF when the OM refused to break up with his GF, that my BF was my second choice, that he stupidly took me back without knowing the whole story, etc. I did go back to my BF and decide to fix things with him and finally cut the OM out of my life for good only after the OM rejected me. But it is not so simple nor cut and dry as that. There is most definitely such thing as the "affair fog," which prevents the participants from thinking clearly, from using good judgement, and from making good decisions. I think you will find a lot of people on this site who agree, although it is very difficult to explain/comprehend if you have not experienced it yourself. The best thing I can liken it to is being on drugs. During the fog, your brain is under the influence of chemicals that cloud your judgement and prevent you from thinking clearly, similar to the effect of mind-altering drugs. Your brain then becomes a one-track mind to do anything and everything possible to get its fix and keep the levels of those chemicals high. That is why people experience "withdrawal" when the affair is over. When a drug addict is using, they make poor decisions, ones that do not ultimately benefit them, ones that harm others that they truly care about, and ones out of character from what they would normally do when sober and with clear judgement. During my affair, I was truly torn. I thought I was in love with the OM, but I also felt I still loved my BF. One day I would convince myself that I wanted to be, needed to be with the OM, but then the OM would do something hurtful, like become distant or not be there for me when I needed a friend, and the logical part of my brain would ask why I would ever want someone who doesn't even treat me well over someone so loving like my BF who treated me like gold and was always there for me. Then I would turn to my BF and remember all the amazing things about him and why I ever started dating him in the first place, and I would think to myself/promise myself that I would forget about and get over the OM and be perfectly happy. Then the withdrawal would set in. Those chemicals started dwindling, I started missing the OM, thinking about him all the time, obsessing over him, and because I didn't understand the anatomy and physiology of an affair at the time, I convinced myself that this must mean I loved the OM more than my BF. Of course, when I was away from my BF, I wasn't going into withdrawal because the nature of our relationship was not that of an affair, it was not a drug addiction. This further convinced me that if I didn't miss my BF as much as I missed the OM, then surely I felt more strongly about the OM. So then, next time the OM would contact me, I would jump in like a junkie. I would misconstrue his contact as proof that he actually cared, when really, he was probably going through the same withdrawal and needed his own fix too. This cycle would repeat hundreds of times throughout the affair. The battle between the affair fog/need for the fix, and the logical part of my brain which told me that my BF was the better man, the better choice, the time-tested better fit for me, raged on constantly in my mind throughout the affair. The under-the-influence part of me felt I needed the OM and would do anything to be with him, but on some level, I also knew that if I could just cut the OM out of my life and survive the withdrawal, I would be able to get back to that former loving, fulfilling relationship that I once had with my BF and that I once thought was everything I ever wanted.

 

At the time of D-day, I had already been in IC for about 7 months, and I was coming to terms with this realization more and more each day. This, with the help of my therapist, is what led to me writing and sending the NC letter 3 weeks before D-day. When I wrote it, I thought that if only I could cut the OM out of my life completely, I could move on and get back to that happy place with my BF again. Of course, in the 3 weeks following the day I sent the letter, I went through terrible withdrawal, I relapsed and contacted the OM, and when he began saying things like how much he cared for me, how part of him wanted to run away with me, all those chemicals came rushing back, and it felt so good. I got my fix, and I begged him not to cut my supply short, i.e. to be with me for good. When he refused, of course I was upset, I was devastated. Of course I was angry. He had given me so much hope, built up those chemicals so much, and then tore it all away from me. I was so sick of the back and forth, the up and down, the emotional roller coaster. It was mental anguish, emotional torture, and I was inflicting it on myself like a masochist. I knew that I had chosen this, that I was actively participating, and I decided once and for all to stop subjecting myself to it. I knew that the only way to do so was to cut all contact, to go through the withdrawal, and to come out on the other side. I knew the only thing that would prevent me from relapsing was to confess to my BF and to get it all out in the open. Because as long as it was still a secret, I would always hold onto hope that it could work out, that I could have a little taste of my drug when I needed it, and then go back to being normal. Of course that's impossible for any addict. And so when I confessed to my BF, it was out of tremendous guilt and shame that I could not hold in any longer, but it was also with hope that once my cover was blown, once my addiction was out in the open, that would be the end, and I could finally take the correct steps to move on.

 

Like I said, it is difficult to fully comprehend for those who have not experienced the fog personally. If you could prove to me that there is nobody here who has cheated on a partner that they truly loved, who then realized what a huge mistake it was, and who then put in the time, the effort, the hard work to fix their relationship with their partner and who then came out on the other side in a happy, fulfilling relationship with that partner, then I would leave my BF to go find the happiness he deserves. I know the odds are against us, but I refuse to believe that with hard work, counseling, communication, attention to the relationship, and the love that I know we once had between us, that there is no hope for me and my BF based on my past mistakes. I think there are probably a lot of wayward spouses/partners who loved their betrayed partners, got caught up in the affair fog, made some horrible and hurtful decisions, and then came back to reality afterward and were able to truly reconcile with their betrayed partner. And as long as that's true for others, I am willing to do the work necessary to become one of those people.

 

As far as my boyfriend knowing the full truth, yes, he knows that the OM rejected me before I finally decided once and for all to go back to him and confess. He himself expressed concern that he may just be my second choice, which is partly why he had to contemplate long and hard whether to stay with me or not. After D-day, he did his own research on affairs, and I think he now truly understands the nature of the fog, which I'm sure influenced his decision to stay and work on our relationship. He is very smart, logical, understanding, and perceptive, which I think shows great strength and maturity in the way he handled this. Even though I didn't deserve the respect he gave me, the fact that he showed me that respect in the face of this beast makes me respect him more. He truly makes me want to be a better person.

 

As far as complete NC with the OM, I blocked him from every form of social media the day I sent the NC letter. All my profiles are private and he has no way of seeing them. After D-day, I blocked his number and all emails. Fortunately, I have graduated, so we are no longer connected through school. We now live 8 hours away from each other, so have no chance of running into each other, and there really is nothing else connecting me to the OM. As I said earlier, I have always been quiet and shy, and so I really have no male friends who I keep in touch with on a regular basis. I think that part of the appeal of the OM to me was that he was my only male friend, and was the only person besides my BF who I texted on a regular basis. I don't even text my girlfriends that much. I think that was part of why I formed such an emotional bond with him and why he had such significance in my life/ meant so much to me at the time.

 

I don't know if I would have been with the OM if he had actually broken up with his GF for me. Clearly, a large part of me wanted to be with him for a very long time. But when he told me that he actually had broken up with his GF, part of me was unsure also. I wasn't sure I could trust him, I was afraid that if I broke up with my BF again and left him for the OM that I would regret it immensely. I told him I couldn't break up with my BF to be with him at that time, and everything he did afterward just convinced me I made the right decision. He immaturely refused to have an actual discussion about it with me, he made no effort to prove to me that he actually cared about me and wasn't just using me, and he just got right back together with her as I expected. Unfortunately, after the withdrawal set in, I questioned whether I made the right choice, and went back to using when he contacted me again.

 

Now that I am out of the fog and thinking clearly, I know that even if the OM and I had gotten together and attempted a real relationship, it never would have lasted. We are both too alike, too selfish, too temperamental, we don't share the same ideals or life philosophies, I couldn't rely on him emotionally to be there for me when I needed him during our friendship or our affair, and we never ever would have been able to trust each other. It just never would have worked, and I'm glad I atleast dodged that bullet and have been saved the pain and loneliness of going through that.

 

HereNorThere:

Of course, I know that now that I have made the decision to cheat and have been through the affair, I will always be a cheater and an addict. An alcoholic who is not drinking is still an alcoholic, and should not be around alcohol. It was eye-opening for me to learn that I have such an addictive/obsessive personality, and that I lack impulse control, but now that I recognize it, I can take the steps necessary to avoid going down that slippery slope in the future, including maintaining NC with the OM for as long as I live. I think my guilt and shame will be tremendous tools in helping me to stay clean, and although I want to move on from this stage in my life, I hope I never forget how terrible, how awfully low and abysmal this affair made me feel so that I can always remember to avoid going down the same path in the future.

 

Thank you again to all those who have wished me well.

[Confused48]

Paen,

 

Your entire post was amazing as always. This part especially though:

 

Then I would turn to my BF and remember all the amazing things about him and why I ever started dating him in the first place, and I would think to myself/promise myself that I would forget about and get over the OM and be perfectly happy. Then the withdrawal would set in. Those chemicals started dwindling, I started missing the OM, thinking about him all the time, obsessing over him, and because I didn't understand the anatomy and physiology of an affair at the time, I convinced myself that this must mean I loved the OM more than my BF. Of course, when I was away from my BF, I wasn't going into withdrawal because the nature of our relationship was not that of an affair, it was not a drug addiction. This further convinced me that if I didn't miss my BF as much as I missed the OM, then surely I felt more strongly about the OM. So then, next time the OM would contact me, I would jump in like a junkie. I would misconstrue his contact as proof that he actually cared, when really, he was probably going through the same withdrawal and needed his own fix too. This cycle would repeat hundreds of times throughout the affair. The battle between the affair fog/need for the fix, and the logical part of my brain which told me that my BF was the better man, the better choice, the time-tested better fit for me, raged on constantly in my mind throughout the affair. The under-the-influence part of me felt I needed the OM and would do anything to be with him, but on some level, I also knew that if I could just cut the OM out of my life and survive the withdrawal, I would be able to get back to that former loving, fulfilling relationship that I once had with my BF and that I once thought was everything I ever wanted.

 

At the time of D-day, I had already been in IC for about 7 months, and I was coming to terms with this realization more and more each day. This, with the help of my therapist, is what led to me writing and sending the NC letter 3 weeks before D-day. When I wrote it, I thought that if only I could cut the OM out of my life completely, I could move on and get back to that happy place with my BF again. Of course, in the 3 weeks following the day I sent the letter, I went through terrible withdrawal, I relapsed and contacted the OM, and when he began saying things like how much he cared for me, how part of him wanted to run away with me, all those chemicals came rushing back, and it felt so good. I got my fix, and I begged him not to cut my supply short, i.e. to be with me for good. When he refused, of course I was upset, I was devastated. Of course I was angry. He had given me so much hope, built up those chemicals so much, and then tore it all away from me. I was so sick of the back and forth, the up and down, the emotional roller coaster. It was mental anguish, emotional torture, and I was inflicting it on myself like a masochist. I knew that I had chosen this, that I was actively participating, and I decided once and for all to stop subjecting myself to it. I knew that the only way to do so was to cut all contact, to go through the withdrawal, and to come out on the other side. I knew the only thing that would prevent me from relapsing was to confess to my BF and to get it all out in the open. Because as long as it was still a secret, I would always hold onto hope that it could work out, that I could have a little taste of my drug when I needed it, and then go back to being normal. Of course that's impossible for any addict.

 

Of course, I know that now that I have made the decision to cheat and have been through the affair, I will always be a cheater and an addict. An alcoholic who is not drinking is still an alcoholic, and should not be around alcohol. It was eye-opening for me to learn that I have such an addictive/obsessive personality, and that I lack impulse control, but now that I recognize it, I can take the steps necessary to avoid going down that slippery slope in the future, including maintaining NC with the OM for as long as I live. I think my guilt and shame will be tremendous tools in helping me to stay clean, and although I want to move on from this stage in my life, I hope I never forget how terrible, how awfully low and abysmal this affair made me feel so that I can always remember to avoid going down the same path in the future.

 

 

What a detailed and eloquent description of affair fog. I've never seen a better more engaging description of something so horrible. Anyone touch by a LTA, be they WS or BS should read this. Thanks.

 

I do so wish you well. You are so thoughtful and caring. If you can't make reconciliation work, no one can.

[Spectre]

You are so thoughtful and caring. If you can't make reconciliation work, no one can.

 

WTF? Did we just enter the Twilight Zone? Look, it's a nice description of affair fog, but she can write out as big a description as she wants. Fact is: you don't have sex with another man if you are in a relationship with a man you love. Nope,don't blame it on fog or anything, it's a person wanting their cake and eating it too. She treated her boyfriend horribly, she used him, she clearly only went back to him because he was a back up and her first choice bailed.

 

Then you come and say she is "so thoughtful and caring" ? Come on now, whatever you're smoking give me some, stat. You also say other things like "great post, as always". Yeah, he first post was super great. I loved the parts where she treated her boyfriend like utter dog sh*t, used him, screwed another man for 2 years, and then went back to him when the guy rejected her.

 

Have we reached a point where merely being eloquent suddenly warps the reality of this situation? Nope, it doesn't work like that. You saw an eloquent post, I saw nothing but a huge list of excuses. It was nicely done, but an excuse is still an excuse. You say everyone should read it, but I disagree. People should actually avoid this topic, lest anything going on in here rub off into other topics. We don't need people ignoring obvious red flags like this in other topics.

 

To the OP: Look, like I said, you had a nice eloquent post, but I fear it really just comes down to this. You made a choice to have sex with this other man multiple times. Every time you had sex with this guy you were still aware your boyfriend was..you know, a thing in your life. You were also aware he'd be crushed if you banged others. You did it anyways, and then you came..looked the boyfriend in the eye, and then went out and did it AGAIN. I'm sorry to tell you that is more then you feeling affair fog.

 

Here, one simple question: during this entire affair, was there ever a point where you told your boyfriend you loved him? I don't mean over the phone or anything, but was there ever a point you said, face to face, that you loved your boyfriend?

Edited February 22, 2015 by Spectre

[Friskyone4u]

Paen

 

The fact that you have truly dug deep and realized how hurtful your behavior was to others says a lot about your character and that you should forgive yourself . You are not one of these cheaters who comes onto these forums looking for more ego kin lee and congratulations on being successful at betrayal.

You r story should be encouraging to those who are struggling to stop blaming others for there poor decisions and who really want to get out of infidelity and all its negative consequences.

I hope you find peace and that what you have learned will stay with you in the future.

[jnel921]

You weren't married and had no children. Still doesn't make it any less painful. My WH still feels very upset with himself over everything he put me and our M through, his A was brief. But it still was powerful enough to break us at that time.

 

I believe he never thought he could hurt me that way. The though of losing me was too much to bear and for whatever reason he never thought of it when he was in it.

 

No one wants this as part of their history, or "love" story. There are things that I can never say about my M. Like I was my H's one and only after we married. He broke his promise to honor and cherish. Yet we forgave.

 

You have to one day learn to forgive yourself to. If you are genuinely in your relationship because you love your BF then work with that. I am sure you surprised yourself with your actions. But now that your mind is clear let the healing begin.

 

Good luck to you.

[Spectre]

Paen

 

The fact that you have truly dug deep and realized how hurtful your behavior was to others says a lot about your character and that you should forgive yourself . You are not one of these cheaters who comes onto these forums looking for more ego kin lee and congratulations on being successful at betrayal.

You r story should be encouraging to those who are struggling to stop blaming others for there poor decisions and who really want to get out of infidelity and all its negative consequences.

I hope you find peace and that what you have learned will stay with you in the future.

 

I'm just struggling with this. Her realizing how hurtful her behavior is means it says a lot about her character. Okay, but then what does the 2 year affair and all the shady sh*t that went down say about her character? It's nice and lovely if AFTER the fact a person suddenly decides "oh, well I want to stop being shady" but it doesn't change the shadiness that went down.

 

It's still obvious her boyfriend is a back up guy, painfully obvious. Until that changes, people need to stop patting her on the back. But it won't change, because not only has she convinced herself she feels love for this man, but we've had far too many members patting her on the back for it.

[Paenitentiae]

Spectre:

 

Look, there's obviously nothing I can say to make you even consider understanding where I'm coming from. And there's no point. You don't believe me, that's fine. I am the only person who knows how I truly feel and I know that I love my boyfriend. I made some horrible decisions and I hurt him tremendously, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. He knows that. I came here for advice so that I can work through this stage in my life and become a better person.

 

It seems that your sole intent in posting to this thread is to refute every word I say and to try to persuade others to do the same. You have not offered one piece of advice so far. I don't believe that there is no one here who has ever hurt someone they loved and then come to regret it afterward. If everyone who has ever had an affair so "painfully obviously" didn't love their betrayed partner, then why would anyone attempt reconciliation, and how could any post-affair reconciliation be successful? I think there are many people here, both wayward partners and betrayed partners, who have worked very hard to achieve a successful reconciliation after a situation like my own. I am willing to do that work, and I plan to continue to work toward a successful reconciliation until my boyfriend and I achieve that, or until he tells me he no longer wants to be in this relationship. So far, our reconciliation is going well.

 

The problem I am having is forgiving myself for betraying the man I love and for causing him so much pain. Continuing to point out that I treated my boyfriend horribly is futile. This is not news to me. It is, in fact, the reason that I'm here. I remind myself every day how atrociously I treated him, and that is why I can't forgive myself. If your advice is that I should never forgive myself because I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve forgiveness, then fair enough; I can't say I disagree. I got myself into this mess and I should face the consequences of my actions. I sure as hell don't deserve a second chance from my boyfriend, but by some miracle, he found it in his heart to give it to me and to trust that I won't hurt him that way again. As long as he is willing to give me that second chance, I will do everything in my power to prove to him that his undeserved faith in me will not be in vain.

 

For anyone else who has actually offered advice on how to forgive myself so that I don't counter-productively sabotage my and my boyfriend's attempt at reconciliation, I thank you again.