Need a different perspective on dealing with a former other woman [Updated]

[Mal78]

She is a "bunny boiler" aka obsessive aka loose cannon.

 

She clearly isn't comprehending the cards that are laid so clearly in front of her.

 

Generally I would not suggest seeking out the BS and telling him, however I would

 

A) give him the facts as you know them and include the clear boundaries that were set to not contact unless work related (give dates)

 

B) send copies of emails/texts/whatsup...ect to back it up.

 

It's time to focus on solidify your marriage and not the OWs feelings when she is clearly manipulative and is purposely trying to stick a wedge between your H and you with the things she says about you.

 

To be honest, she may have shot her own foot off by doing so. Your H clearly loves you, your life and that you he admires your Mothering abilities. By bring that up in their little fantasy dates she has burn her chances for anything further.

[justabw]

Thanks again to everyone who gave advice.

 

The good news is that me and my hubby are doing very well indeed.

 

The bad news is that unfortunately the former other woman has not stopped. Just today she sent an email through the office service asking my husband if they could meet up to talk because "there's something I want to talk about with you" My husband didn't bite and she then sent a stroppy follow up mail.

 

At this point we agree that we have got to tell her husband - she is so fixated on my husband that she is obviously not going to have an epiphany any time soon and work on her own mamarriage.

 

We're just deciding how to go about it. My husband wants to write to him himself, apologise profusely and offer to meet him to show him the stored chats and answer any questions. I think it'd be better coming from me because although I know my husband is very sincere in his remorse, I would have felt humiliated if I was told by the other woman.

 

If anyone has any opinion on this or further suggestions on how to break this news I'd really appreciate it

Edited March 6, 2015 by justabw

[HereNorThere]

Personally, I think you need to do instead of your husband. Males are aggressive towards other males, especially when they find out they've been gettin it in with their wife. I think you would be able to empathize/sympathize with him in a way that your husband couldn't.

 

Otherwise, you could have a fistfight or worse on your hands. I'm not a violent person, but if another man came at me with that stuff, there's no telling what might happen.

 

 

And THIS is why you ALWAYS expose. ALWAYS.

Edited March 7, 2015 by HereNorThere

[BetrayedH]

Hmm. I tend to agree that it would likely be better received coming from you.

 

In some cases, the willingness of the WS to do the telling is an important milestone. But I don't get the impression in your case that it's really a needed requirement for your recovery. So...then the question gets down to what is best for the other BS. And if that's the question, I'd tend to think that the message would be better received coming from another BS rather than from the AP. BSs can support one another.

 

And as HereNorThere mentioned, there's less chance of a fist fight.

 

Kudos to your WH for his willingness but I think it's best coming from you.

 

And if it hasn't been mentioned or stressed, be sure to bring actual proof. Most BSs will believe their spouse over some random person, especially if their spouse paints you as crazy. Handing over hard-copies (if they want them) is a good idea. Make sure the guy gets the whole truth. His wife will try a lot of gaslighting. I'd suggest being open to one (and only one) more Q&A session if he ends up needing it.

[Mr. Lucky]

We're just deciding how to go about it. My husband wants to write to him himself, apologise profusely and offer to meet him to show him the stored chats and answer any questions.

 

Don't think you OR your H should meet with OW's husband in person. Emotions are high, too many unpredictable things could happen. The whole thing can be done via phone/email...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Thanks again to everyone who gave advice.

 

The good news is that me and my hubby are doing very well indeed.

 

The bad news is that unfortunately the former other woman has not stopped. Just today she sent an email through the office service asking my husband if they could meet up to talk because "there's something I want to talk about with you" My husband didn't bite and she then sent a stroppy follow up mail.

 

At this point we agree that we have got to tell her husband - she is so fixated on my husband that she is obviously not going to have an epiphany any time soon and work on her own mamarriage.

 

We're just deciding how to go about it. My husband wants to write to him himself, apologise profusely and offer to meet him to show him the stored chats and answer any questions. I think it'd be better coming from me because although I know my husband is very sincere in his remorse, I would have felt humiliated if I was told by the other woman.

 

If anyone has any opinion on this or further suggestions on how to break this news I'd really appreciate it

 

You both go meet him face to face and talk to him about his wife and her unhealthy obsession with your husband.

 

That OW has serious issues and boundary problems, soon she will have to deal with her own husband so hopefully she'll leave your H alone and stop the contact. But, if not, consider an RO because she does have to potential to break down emotionally and react out.

[1040]

You better do something soon, because a nutbar like this might come over and kill both of you.

 

I'd contact the cops and ask for their advice also.

 

Your H should not go over alone to talk to the other H. Bad idea. It should be you. But you should have done this a long time ago; now he's liable to be pissed at all 3 of you.

[SoleMate]

My advice still stands:

 

1) Send ex-ow a registered letter telling her not to contact him except for strictly work-related things (drafted by an attorney if possible, and of course, keep a copy with proof of mailing)

 

2) Advise HR that he is being repeatedly bothered by a coworker after asking her to stop

 

Both of the above are preferable to getting involved in the ex-ow's marriage in any way. OP, have you accomplished both steps above?

[spookysonata]

My advice still stands:

 

1) Send ex-ow a registered letter telling her not to contact him except for strictly work-related things (drafted by an attorney if possible, and of course, keep a copy with proof of mailing)

 

2) Advise HR that he is being repeatedly bothered by a coworker after asking her to stop

 

Both of the above are preferable to getting involved in the ex-ow's marriage in any way. OP, have you accomplished both steps above?

 

That's good advice, except for the last bit. Again, this woman had NO PROBLEM getting involved in OP's marriage. She didn't ask to be betrayed and neither did the other spouse. He has a right to know and she should be the one to tell him if his wife won't.