Has Anyone Dealt With a Disappearing Spouse?

[Mal78]

It can't possibly get better until you make those hard choices you know you need to do.

 

AL-Anon is a great first step and many have programs for children.

 

In your post you gave the alcohol all the excuses why he is not *contacting* you. Imagine a life where you don't have to be consumed by this. Where you can be free from the burden of his alcoholism. That is *not* your burden nor is it your daughter's to carry. He needs to come to the realization that you will not enable it any longer.

 

Many women live their whole lives with alcoholic husbands going through the vicious cycle for years! You hope/wait for it to change and get better.... but it doesn't. Don't do that!

[SJS]

I grew up with a father that's like your husband, albeit not as extreme. At 10 years old, your daughter sees and knows way more than what you give her credit for and is old enough now that she WILL remember. And she may seem like she's over it, but she's not (at 37 I can still give specific moments of how and when I was let down, and the feelings I had at that moment). I was that kid that wished on first stars and birthday candles that my parents would get divorced so that way my dad had specific times that he would HAVE to see me...how sad is that?

 

 

Of course it hurts, and you're going to miss his hugs and whatever else. Maybe it's time to make a list of all the pros and cons of being in a relationship with him and then decide if he is worth the heartache you're feeling right now.

 

 

Oh and BTW...my dad is in his 70's now. Still an alcoholic, still leaves my mom sitting there wondering...the only difference now is she's by herself with no kids around to keep her company. Sound like a great way to live?

[bathtub-row]

I'm trying to figure out exactly how YOU have failed your marriage.

 

Seriously, could he have found a more willing victim than you? Let me put this into perspective, the day my spouse disappears for one night would be followed by a day that I file for divorce. I'm shocked that anyone would put up with such nonsense, and make excuses for him.

 

So, where is it that you think he stays when he's not with you? And what do you think you're teaching your daughter other than how to let a man mistreat you, and that it's normal for a husband not to come home every night?

[Mr. Lucky]

I really feel ashamed having to go here. I thought my self-esteem and strength were enough to deal with the situation.

 

 

But my self-esteem is very low.

 

Every person who struggles with this with a spouse, child or family member feels that way. "This happens to other people, not people like me...".

 

You learn that going to a support group is a sign of strength, not weakness. That hearing others similar stories helps remove the shame, isolation and self doubt we feel when our loved ones choose drugs or alcohol over us. It's such a relief that my advice for your first meeting is - bring kleenex...

 

Mr. Lucky

[QueenElsa]

It can't possibly get better until you make those hard choices you know you need to do.

 

AL-Anon is a great first step and many have programs for children.

 

In your post you gave the alcohol all the excuses why he is not *contacting* you. Imagine a life where you don't have to be consumed by this. Where you can be free from the burden of his alcoholism. That is *not* your burden nor is it your daughter's to carry. He needs to come to the realization that you will not enable it any longer.

 

Many women live their whole lives with alcoholic husbands going through the vicious cycle for years! You hope/wait for it to change and get better.... but it doesn't. Don't do that!

 

 

I think he's more addicted to feeling powerless and rotten about himself than the alcohol itself. Like he has to prove that he "just can't" be a husband and father.

 

 

It isn't getting better. I think that there are these small, gradual changes, but the truth is the whole relationship has been eroding for years.

 

 

I have been trying to bail out the Titanic.

 

 

I love him very much but he just won't (for whatever reason) stop throwing us away. He doesn't stand up for himself constructively often. He's either losing his temper or just imploding.

 

 

The times he does assert himself and tell me what he's feeling and what he wants, he gains a lot of traction. But there has been so much damage to the relationship and our family that it's hard to even remember to do that with such a long history of dysfunction.

 

 

This kind of love hurts.

 

 

Extricating myself will be painful. And lonely.

 

 

I miss him still. But I don't expect him back soon. For some reason I really don't expect him back at all. There's so much stress with us. It's hard to see what is past that if you are an addict.

 

 

I think the only way he would get better is in a facility. And that's about the last place that he would go.

[QueenElsa]

I grew up with a father that's like your husband, albeit not as extreme. At 10 years old, your daughter sees and knows way more than what you give her credit for and is old enough now that she WILL remember. And she may seem like she's over it, but she's not (at 37 I can still give specific moments of how and when I was let down, and the feelings I had at that moment). I was that kid that wished on first stars and birthday candles that my parents would get divorced so that way my dad had specific times that he would HAVE to see me...how sad is that?

 

 

Of course it hurts, and you're going to miss his hugs and whatever else. Maybe it's time to make a list of all the pros and cons of being in a relationship with him and then decide if he is worth the heartache you're feeling right now.

 

 

Oh and BTW...my dad is in his 70's now. Still an alcoholic, still leaves my mom sitting there wondering...the only difference now is she's by herself with no kids around to keep her company. Sound like a great way to live?

 

 

She's five and will remember this. I know that she will. She has my memory.

 

 

And I really didn't want her to have to go through this.

I remember being suicidal at age 7 because of how miserable my parents were and my grandmother who had taken care of me just up and left.

I really didn't want her to suffer through the abandonment.

 

 

I can't believe that he didn't come home for Valentine's or Family Day. But if you want to convince yourself you are a "bad father or bad husband" I guess that you wouldn't show up on those days.

 

I have such a hard time with divorce. But I just talked to a very close friend tonight and it really does seem like the most spiritually healthy thing I can do would be to leave.

 

 

I am so disappointed in myself that I married an alcoholic. I feel like such a crap mom.

[QueenElsa]

I'm trying to figure out exactly how YOU have failed your marriage.

 

Seriously, could he have found a more willing victim than you? Let me put this into perspective, the day my spouse disappears for one night would be followed by a day that I file for divorce. I'm shocked that anyone would put up with such nonsense, and make excuses for him.

 

So, where is it that you think he stays when he's not with you? And what do you think you're teaching your daughter other than how to let a man mistreat you, and that it's normal for a husband not to come home every night?

 

I know that he stays in motels and in his car.

 

 

He might be seeing someone. Maybe. But I doubt it. He's so unstable. I just don't see him being able to make the hook-up and keep that a secret. He's so crappy at covering his tracks. I am guessing I would have found evidence of that by now. He's totally hooked on porn though. I figure that's what he's doing. He has a bunch of fake vaginas and everything. He really flipped out when I found those.

[QueenElsa]

Every person who struggles with this with a spouse, child or family member feels that way. "This happens to other people, not people like me...".

 

You learn that going to a support group is a sign of strength, not weakness. That hearing others similar stories helps remove the shame, isolation and self doubt we feel when our loved ones choose drugs or alcohol over us. It's such a relief that my advice for your first meeting is - bring kleenex...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess I also feel that he wouldn't have chosen alcohol and porn over me if I was special enough.

 

 

So I must have been lacking in some way. I have felt like I lacked something my whole life. My weight doesn't help that.

[Emerald_11]

Queen Elsa - If you want this to get better you have to get tuff with him. Tell him it is not working for you since you get so worried and stressed out when he does not come home. There has to be consequences. Like if you keep doing this I cant be your wife & then it would be his choice what happens next. Try to go to a meeting & reach out for support even if he doesn't go too. It is not fair for your daughter to wonder when the next time she will see him is. What if something really does happen to him and you are so used to it that you don't think to file a missing person report until days later.

This can be overcome! HE has to want it though!!

My husband used to go out to bars almost everyday after work. He started coming home later and later. Sometimes he wouldn't even see our kids all week long because he came home after they were asleep. Of course he blamed me & said he would want to come home if I wasn't such a nag etc....ALL lies!! It was never my fault...Its not your fault either!!

It is hard to stay married to an alcoholic. He only drinks at home now which I feel is an ok compromise.

 

 

Even if you have a weight problem its no excuse. You still deserve better. Best of luck to you!

Edited February 17, 2015 by Emerald_11

[Cinnimon]

I guess I also feel that he wouldn't have chosen alcohol and porn over me if I was special enough.

 

 

So I must have been lacking in some way. I have felt like I lacked something my whole life. My weight doesn't help that.

 

NO NO NO

So with all you are having to deal with because of him, why aren't you an alcoholic too?

You disn't choose an alcoholic, you chose a man, he chose the alcohol. Please reach out for help, counseling, friends, get some help, let others help you see what you obviously can't see right now. Your daughter will mimic you. You seem to have low self esteem understandably when it comes to your marriage to an alcoholic but there is nothing wrong with you. This is about him!

[QueenElsa]

Queen Elsa - If you want this to get better you have to get tuff with him. Tell him it is not working for you since you get so worried and stressed out when he does not come home. There has to be consequences. Like if you keep doing this I cant be your wife & then it would be his choice what happens next. Try to go to a meeting & reach out for support even if he doesn't go too. It is not fair for your daughter to wonder when the next time she will see him is. What if something really does happen to him and you are so used to it that you don't think to file a missing person report until days later.

This can be overcome! HE has to want it though!!

My husband used to go out to bars almost everyday after work. He started coming home later and later. Sometimes he wouldn't even see our kids all week long because he came home after they were asleep. Of course he blamed me & said he would want to come home if I wasn't such a nag etc....ALL lies!! It was never my fault...Its not your fault either!!

It is hard to stay married to an alcoholic. He only drinks at home now which I feel is an ok compromise.

 

 

Even if you have a weight problem its no excuse. You still deserve better. Best of luck to you!

 

 

I think one of the hardest parts will be when I deliver the consequences and he doesn't care at all.

 

 

The rejection is going to be as bad as it is now.

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

I am starting to think just because of the time away that it's quite probably a hook-up or affair. He has tried before. I don't effing get how he can treat me like I am just some single Mom whose place he crashes at every now and then.

 

 

I mean it's one thing to say "well you allow it." But I just wouldn't treat someone else this way if they "allowed it." I wouldn't treat anyone this way. Especially not my daughter.

 

 

It makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed.

[QueenElsa]

NO NO NO

So with all you are having to deal with because of him, why aren't you an alcoholic too?

You disn't choose an alcoholic, you chose a man, he chose the alcohol. Please reach out for help, counseling, friends, get some help, let others help you see what you obviously can't see right now. Your daughter will mimic you. You seem to have low self esteem understandably when it comes to your marriage to an alcoholic but there is nothing wrong with you. This is about him!

 

Because instead of booze, I eat cake!

 

 

I did choose a man and he wasn't drinking for the first 5 years we were together. I miss that.

 

 

He may think he's "smart enough to handle the booze" but booze just makes you so stupid! He really has very low impulse-control.

 

 

I just think that there must be something wrong with me to get treated like this and to have picked someone that treats me this way.

 

 

And even to feel like I miss him so much when he does this instead of getting angry and getting rid of him.

 

 

It's like I am missing the angry part until he just refuses to talk to me. Then I get really mad.

[SJS]

I guess I also feel that he wouldn't have chosen alcohol and porn over me if I was special enough.

 

 

So I must have been lacking in some way. I have felt like I lacked something my whole life. My weight doesn't help that.

THIS is why you need Al-anon or counseling. This was the type of self talk I had anytime something didn't work out in my life. I wasn't good enough to keep my dad home, why should my spouse/child/friends stick around either? But that's the thing...it wasn't me or you, it's the addict. There is something wrong with them.

 

 

Your weight is a reflection of your unhappiness....eating is comforting, and brings temporary happiness (hello ice cream!).

 

 

Love yourself enough to have your daughter see you as something other than a doormat. Be strong for her...soon enough you will surprise yourself at how strong you really are, and how much more you deserve.

[Cinnimon]

Because instead of booze, I eat cake!

 

 

I did choose a man and he wasn't drinking for the first 5 years we were together. I miss that.

 

 

He may think he's "smart enough to handle the booze" but booze just makes you so stupid! He really has very low impulse-control.

 

 

I just think that there must be something wrong with me to get treated like this and to have picked someone that treats me this way.

 

 

And even to feel like I miss him so much when he does this instead of getting angry and getting rid of him.

 

 

It's like I am missing the angry part until he just refuses to talk to me. Then I get really mad.

 

I've been there done that trust me! My husband wasn't an alcoholic when I met him either. Do I think I made him one, hell no.

I tried and tried and tried to talk to him but you can't talk to a drunk.

Of course you miss him, you love him. I loved my husband too but I hated my alcoholic husband.

They have poor impulse control because they are addicts. Mine was fired from his 25 year career over alcohol.

I know you are hurting, you are afraid of leaving him because you are afraid of hurting more but let me tell you from my experience it does not hurt as bad when your not worrying yourself sick wondering when and if he's coming home, waiting for a phone call, watching out the windows for headlights, mind screwing yourself with wondering if he's cheating or asking what it is you can do to MAKE HIM BE BETTER. He has to hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is being faced with losing everything you've got over a bottle. I feel for you, I do, but something's got to give and I'm hoping it's not your sanity.

Take care of you.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I did choose a man and he wasn't drinking for the first 5 years we were together. I miss that.

 

 

He may think he's "smart enough to handle the booze" but booze just makes you so stupid! He really has very low impulse-control.

 

 

I just think that there must be something wrong with me to get treated like this and to have picked someone that treats me this way.

 

 

And even to feel like I miss him so much when he does this instead of getting angry and getting rid of him.

 

You are codependent, happens often with addicts and alcoholics. How much of this fits?

 

Commonly cited symptoms of codependency are:

 

intense and unstable interpersonal relationships,

 

inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone,

 

chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness,

 

subordinating one's own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved,

 

overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection,

 

external referencing,

 

dishonesty and denial, and

 

low self-worth.

 

 

Al-Anon has the ability to show you a way to end this cycle. It's not about fixing him, it's about getting you to a better place. But you have to take the first step...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

just a quick technical point. if you want him to call you, turn your phone back on

[Daisy2013]

You need to tell him to leave and then get help regarding your co-dependency. The longer you allow this the longer it will go on and be harder to leave. It's difficult, I know. I'm codependent and put up with garbage for years and said "If only I...." That doesn't work. Make a better life for you and your daughter starting now. Get into counseling and work on your self esteem etc. if you don't, you will stay where you are. Good luck!

[anika99]

Hello Queen, I haven't read this whole thread but I just want to echo the couple of posters who I see have recommended Al-anon to you. Besides being married to an alcoholic you were raised by an alcoholic, which means you likely had a codependent personality before you even met your husband. In a way you were sort of groomed to wind up with an alcoholic.

 

 

Go to Al-Anon. They will help you to set boundaries and separate yourself from your husband and his alcoholism. Not physically separate although you may end up deciding to do that later, but mentally and emotionally separate yourself from him. At first Al-Anon may not seem like they're all that helpful and their message may sound kind of trite and silly. Like they will tell you that you cannot control this and you have to accept your husband as he is, alcoholism and all. You may think, "well how the hell will that make anything better? Won't my acceptance just condone his drinking and encourage him to do it even more?" They will tell you that you can be happy in spite of your husbands alcoholism and that your happiness is not dependent on your husband and whether or not he is drinking.

 

 

I was with an alcoholic for almost 8yrs and when I finally looked up Al-Anon my life had become misery and I felt like everything was completely out my control but I was still doing everything I could to get control and I was turning into a crazy person. My whole sense of self worth and inner happiness had become totally dependent on my alcoholic bf and whatever he was doing or not doing in the moment. We would have a couple of good days and I would be hopeful and then he would disappear (yes I had a disappearing alcoholic too) and I would spiral into despair knowing that he was gone on a drinking binge. I would worry myself sick about his safety, about how much money he was spending, about how long he was going to be gone for and at the same time I would feel rejected, unlovable, and hopeless.

 

 

Over time I eventually became the most toxic person in the household. My bf sometimes got drunk at home and on the rare occasion drunk and belligerent but he did most of his drinking away from the house so his drinking didn't really have all that much of an effect on my kids. He just wasn't home and my kids didn't much care about that. On the other hand they had to put up with a sad depressed joyless and hopeless mother and that's what really hurt them. I was 25 pounds underweight, I felt like a shell of a human being and I was never fully present and engaged with my children because I was letting all of my feelings and attention be dictated by my alcoholic bf's behavior. Like a puppet on a string just twisting in the wind.

 

 

When my bf would finally come home, drunk and broke, I would cry to him and harp on him and tell him over and over again how much he hurt me, how irresponsible he was, how much he was destroying me and my life. He would become defensive and verbally attack me back and then a huge yelling fight would ensue. He would have been happy to just come home and just act like nothing was wrong but I wasn't about to let him think I was going to be okay with his behavior so I would start the fight and my kids had to listen that sh*t too. I had become more toxic than my bf.

 

 

When I went to Al-Anon I was broken and I wanted someone to tell me what to do to make my bf realize he was alcoholic and get help, so I thought thier ideas were pretty stupid at first but in desperation I kept going back and little by little I was slowly able to change how I behaved and reacted. When my bf disappeared instead of wallowing in my pain and fear I made myself make my own plans and follow through on them. If he was part of those plans I just accepted that since he was drunk or not home he would not be participating and I would do whatever we had planned anyways. I started taking my kids out and practiced giving them my full attention even when I was hurting and angry on the inside. When he would come home drunk or come home after being drunk I would greet him politely and ask him how he has been. If he was moody and trying to pick a fight with me I would remain calm and excuse myself from the conversation. Whenever I wanted to go somewhere or do something new I would ask him to join me and if he chose drinking over spending time with me I would accept that and go without him.

 

 

At first it was all forced actions on my part. But after awhile I noticed that I was starting to feel happier and calmer. His drinking wasn't my problem anymore and I didn't have to carry that burden any longer. Once I wasn't so focussed on his every action anymore I started to pay attention to myself and think about what I wanted. I had been working crappy jobs for crappy pay for my whole life and I started wondering what I could do about that. I took out a student loan and went to school for a year to learn computer skills and office administration skills. Taking the loan was scary because I thought I might just be digging myself a bigger hole but I screwed up some faith in myself and took the leap. All the while my bf was drinking to his hearts content and I barely even paid it any attention anymore. My relationships with my sons and my immediate family were getting better all the time and I felt so much peace and calm. After a year of schooling I got a job and it was a better paying job than I had before but not that much better however I was determined to keep applying myself and keep getting better.

 

 

By now about 2yrs had gone by since the very first time I went to Al-Anon and my bf was still exactly where he had always been. He hadn't changed one iota but I had grown in leaps and bounds. We were leading separate lives. He had become sick and had quit his job but he wasn't drinking any less and he was away from the house more than ever. When he was home he was angry and miserable and I just stayed out of his way and lived my life. His drinking wasn't making him happy anymore but he still refused to give it up but he was full of anger and self loathing. Now he was the angry and miserable one. I still loved him but it became apparent that we were no longer a couple, we had nothing in common and we weren't even good friends, so the day came for me to say goodbye to him. It didn't happen overnight, it was more drawn out. It started out with us agreeing that we shouldn't live together anymore so I got my own place. We still saw each other for a while but if he was supposed to come over to my place he would often stand me up and if I went to his place he was always drunk and obnoxious. So I stopped inviting him to my place and I started going to his place less and less. I stopped calling him on the phone all the time. Soon I would go days at a time without seeing him or talking to him and it didn't bother me.

 

 

Eventually it dawned on my bf that I wasn't around anymore and he suddenly became curious about what I was up to. He came to see me and I had to tell him that it was over. I had grown up, moved away and I wasn't coming back. As much as I had become strong and independent that conversation was still heart wrenchingly painful. He cried and I cried. There was a brief period of time where he pursued me relentlessly and constantly begged me to reconsider all while doing nothing to address his drinking and his other issues. I was torn up with guilt and sadness but remained firm in my decision. I never went back and I never regretted my decision and that was 13yrs ago.

 

 

I also don't regret meeting my alcoholic bf because prior to him I had been codependent in all of my relationships due to being raised by drug addicted parents, but my codependence was less pronounced because my prior bf's hadn't been addicts. In being with my alcoholic bf I became sick enough to realize I had to get help. I went to Al-Anon and it changed my whole life. I still have my issues and my faults but I have never again sunk as low as I was all those years ago.

 

 

I hope you will consider giving it a try.

[CrystalShine2011]

I don't have much advice besides get out of that relationship. I hope it works out for you...

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I can't see this being my fault past last night.

 

 

My daughter bawled her eyes out last night and I really resent him for doing that to her.

 

 

By leaving, doesn't that mean she will be crying more often because her Dad will be around even less?

 

No by leaving you are shielding her from seeing him at his worst. Giving her the much needed stability and safety she needs right now. Her dad is not capable of being a father to her at the moment and until he gets help, and stops drinking, the best thing you can do for her and for yourself is, leave. Doesn't mean divorce, but separation. This is messing her up! And you as well.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I also feel that he wouldn't have chosen alcohol and porn over me if I was special enough.

 

 

So I must have been lacking in some way. I have felt like I lacked something my whole life. My weight doesn't help that.

 

NO!!!!!!!!!!!! This is NOT your fault. Your husband is not well, he's an alcoholic and that is a disease. Stop blaming yourself, nothing you did or said caused this.

 

You are special. Don't ever feel like you're not. Your H right now is messed up and is making really bad choices, all that have nothing to do with you.

[hotgurl]

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. It was no picnic.

 

It is very damaging. I had a hard time as a teen, very angry and resentful.

 

Sometimes I don't know who I am more angry with my mean drunk of a mother(sometimes she was nasty sometimes she was nice, you never knew) or my co dependent dad.

 

Because you see there was no one in that situation who put me first, who protected me, who got me away from that situation. I was a child and I was alone and I knew it and nobody did anything to change it. And to this day I still resent it.

[hotgurl]

Did your husband ever show up?