Left in limbo... Cheating, drugs, depression.., affair fog?

[LoveMyCat]

You can drive yourself crazy wishing another person would behave better or give you what you feel you deserve. A decent, caring person would not put another person in your situation, so not sure why you cling to hope that he will "see the error of his ways" and come back. More likely, if he comes back, it will be because his new freedom/life did not work out the way he wanted.

[ally2015]

You can drive yourself crazy wishing another person would behave better or give you what you feel you deserve. A decent, caring person would not put another person in your situation, so not sure why you cling to hope that he will "see the error of his ways" and come back. More likely, if he comes back, it will be because his new freedom/life did not work out the way he wanted.

 

I agree with you... i just want him to feel the weight of what he has done... he has given up someone that loves him despite all his flaws, his young child, goals he wanted to achieve in life and for what drugs and a young girl? And he doesnt care at all... ideally i want him to fall apart to be sorry, to cry, to hurt, to miss, to regret and to blame himself for all of it. realise he is the one that has ruined his life when he could of had it all. Im not saying i would take him back but i want him to feel the weight of his actions and give a damn as he is messing with not only his life but mine and our childs.

 

i just find it a joke that he is using no contact on me! What does that achieve? He doesn't get to see his child and if we end up in court everything he is doing is actually going against him... thats why i believe something is seriously not right.

[beach]

I understand what your saying I REALLY do but its is so hard to just walk away.. as you know. i love him and we were a family. I know the person he can be. yes he has issues and i think if he actually got them dealt with he could have a happy life. With the drug use in the past i should have made him go to rehab/classes, i did tell him to and said id come with him and he said he can do it himself...which he did and passed the drug testing. But the issue is in his mind so it needs to be dealt with. It is just heartbreaking to see someone you love completely change and turn there back on what was most important to them. he is on a downward spiral and i hope for his sake that he wants to save himself before its too late.

 

You can't save him.

 

You CAN help yourself though - and your child - by getting him far away from you.

 

I'm wondering what drugs he uses?

 

Either way, he has already chose the drugs over you and you can't change that. But you can make healthy choices that don't allow him to ruin your life too.

 

File for child support and supervised visitations based on drug testing.

 

The old him is long gone, the drugs are covering up what used to be great about him. Until he's clean and unaltered for a long time - don't expect the old him to surface.

 

Get on living and being happy without him - you deserve that.

[beach]

I agree with you... i just want him to feel the weight of what he has done... he has given up someone that loves him despite all his flaws, his young child, goals he wanted to achieve in life and for what drugs and a young girl? And he doesnt care at all... ideally i want him to fall apart to be sorry, to cry, to hurt, to miss, to regret and to blame himself for all of it. realise he is the one that has ruined his life when he could of had it all. Im not saying i would take him back but i want him to feel the weight of his actions and give a damn as he is messing with not only his life but mine and our childs.

 

i just find it a joke that he is using no contact on me! What does that achieve? He doesn't get to see his child and if we end up in court everything he is doing is actually going against him... thats why i believe something is seriously not right.

 

Drugs make everything look different.

 

An al anon meeting might help you focus on what's best for you.

[LoveMyCat]

He may feel it, much later, when he is clean and possibly grown-up. But you can't make him do that (either one). And you can't worry about what he is missing. In reality, your child is probably not suffering much, i.e better to have one loving, present parent than two, if one is not interested in all it takes to be a parent. He may want to reconnect with his child someday and it will be his job to prove to the courts he is worthy.

[ally2015]

i would also be interested to know what drugs he is using... i havent seen him in almost 6 weeks but have been told by others that have seen him that he has lost a lot of weight (he was already a small build), looked very pale (he is tan complexion) glassy eyes, appearence is just awful and a few people have seen him have public outbursts of rage for no reason, yelling, swearing and threatening violence unprovoked.. to me that screams a serious/heavy drug use... This is why i stopped offering contact, and will be refusing him to see our child until he proves he is clean and is mentally stable.

 

I dont want that crap around myself or my child. he has the potential to be a great person and all the choices he is making are the wrong ones... not just because he left me but he is destroying his life and i honestly dont think he truly realises it. I know i have to let it all run its course and keep my daughter away from him until the courts say otherwise.

 

i am going to look into attending a drug rehab center to ask questions and see if anything stands out to them. I feel sorry for my ex if drugs are causing all of this for him because he is losing everything and no one cares enough about him to help or tell him to help himself. its really sad. because if and when he gets help he will have lost everything.

 

i am thankful my child is young and that if he continues down this path that she will simply forget him and he has no one to blame but himself for that. No doubt he will say i am keeping her from him well yes of course i am...why would i just hand her over when you have made no contact for 3 months? Doesnt work like that buddy, you cant chose when you want to be a parent... your all in or your out.

[No Limit]

The only person who can help him is himself. Sadly, only very few people overcome addictions because that inner fight is missing.

 

And whatever he takes must be pretty strong if it not only changes his appearance but his personality too. A good reason for you to never leave your child with him unsupervised in case he comes back sometime.

[ally2015]

The only person who can help him is himself. Sadly, only very few people overcome addictions because that inner fight is missing.

 

And whatever he takes must be pretty strong if it not only changes his appearance but his personality too. A good reason for you to never leave your child with him unsupervised in case he comes back sometime.

 

Its scary what drugs can do.... he is like unrecognisable.. this appearance is basically i dont care what i look like anymore... doesnt shave, looks so sickly thin, looks like a junkie... the times i have seen him he looked awful but i wasnt really looking at him and in saying that i havent seen him in nearly 2 months but back then he was kinda like a zombie, looked awful and looked depressed... people have seen him recently and it just seems like it has gotten worse and i am stressing about seeing him again in that state.

 

I will not be letting him see our child until i know he is clean and stable in his mind... even if we got back together tomorrow i wouldnt leave her alone with him or let him take her anywhere.. thats just irresponsible. His personality has changed dramatically and his mental state... drugs are awful and i am hoping to find out off professionals what they believe he could be using as i know he will not disclose the truth at any point he will just say it was weed which i know for sure it would be a lot more then that.

[No Limit]

Its scary what drugs can do.... he is like unrecognisable.. this appearance is basically i dont care what i look like anymore... doesnt shave, looks so sickly thin, looks like a junkie... the times i have seen him he looked awful but i wasnt really looking at him and in saying that i havent seen him in nearly 2 months but back then he was kinda like a zombie, looked awful and looked depressed... people have seen him recently and it just seems like it has gotten worse and i am stressing about seeing him again in that state.

 

Chances are he's taking crystal meth - and once you're on that drug, there's no way out. One use causes addiction, and the fallback rate after therapy is 95%. Just google "meth" and you'll find plenty of before - after pictures, I think you'll recognize the changes he made on the photos of all those poor people.

 

 

edit; found this: http://www.sobernation.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/long-term-effects-of-meth.png

If you can check off a few of those things regarding your ex... I'm sorry, he's gone.

Edited February 15, 2015 by No Limit

[ally2015]

Chances are he's taking crystal meth - and once you're on that drug, there's no way out. One use causes addiction, and the fallback rate after therapy is 95%. Just google "meth" and you'll find plenty of before - after pictures, I think you'll recognize the changes he made on the photos of all those poor people.

 

 

edit; found this: http://www.sobernation.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/long-term-effects-of-meth.png

If you can check off a few of those things regarding your ex... I'm sorry, he's gone.

 

 

He has a few of these characteristics based on what others have seen of him, i REALLY hope its not this! He needs help, and it breaks me to know i cant be the one to help. its so sad..

[catdance62]

no one can "help" and addict to get clean except the addict. Until they really want to get clean, and I mean REALLY WANT TO get clean, they won't. YOu have to leave them to make that decision on their own. There are TONS of resources out there for addicts, it is up to them to utilize them and get into a program. Unfortunately, like was mentioned previously, many times the issues that got them using drugs aren't addressed (psychological issues), often leading to incomplete recoveries or simply moving on to another type of addiction (sex, food, video games, etc)

[jimmy1968]

Hey I know your situation very well.

 

I had a horrible abusive wife and tried to continue the relationship after I asked her to leave. I know now she will always be the same person. I have to change myself and live in a world I deserve full of love and compassion. I will never get that from her. She was really messed up and will always be.

 

I had two choices to make. Fix her or fix myself. I choose to fix myself.

 

It comes down to self-esteem. Do you really think your a good person? Do you really think you deserve more? Do you feel ok being alone?

 

Start living your life girl! Go see a therapist and fix yourself! If I can do it anyone can.

 

I have friends, woman that are interested in me, I can be mindful with my children.

 

I still have obsessive thoughts about her, but they will get less and less. Be grateful he dissapeared. Wish mine would of, but she texts me all the time and plays games around our daughter. You got it alot easier.

 

Go out and have some fun, don't be so hard on yourself.

[GoBroncs1983]

even if we got back together tomorrow i wouldnt leave her alone with him or let him take her anywhere.. thats just irresponsible.

 

No, what's irresponsible is getting back with this guy at all, which it seems like you would do tomorrow if he showed up at your door and simply said "sorry."

 

I'm sure he made you very happy at one point. But he isn't that guy anymore. Think about this - what have you spent more time thinking about in the last few days, him, or YOU? Do you really feel like this guy is the best possible relationship option you will ever have? It certainly looks as if you feel that way.

 

It seems that you are ready and waiting for this loser to come back to you as soon as he's done having his fun, because "he can change". And he will do it to you again. And again. It hope for you and your child's sake, you come out of it (yes, it will have a final ending) unscathed.

[ally2015]

It comes down to self-esteem. Do you really think your a good person? Do you really think you deserve more? Do you feel ok being alone?

 

Yes i am a good person (this is apart of the reason why i want to help him with his issues, not just leave him to suffer with it BUT I realise its not my place especially after him treating us like this). Yes myself and my daughter deserve better then this and he could have been a better partner and father when we were together. Yes i can cope being alone, i do miss him and my family with him but i can do it alone.

 

I still have obsessive thoughts about her, but they will get less and less. Be grateful he dissapeared. Wish mine would of, but she texts me all the time and plays games around our daughter. You got it alot easier.

 

He has disappeared now...but he will forever be apart of my life and as people keep saying when he does come back around his actions may be more destructive then what he is doing now. Thats what i have been thinking about lately... IF he comes back and I am done with him... what his reaction and actions will be if he is still unstable?

[ally2015]

No, what's irresponsible is getting back with this guy at all, which it seems like you would do tomorrow if he showed up at your door and simply said "sorry."

 

No way! If he showed up tomorrow saying 'sorry' he would have the door slammed in his face. As ive said IF he comes back he has A LOT of work ahead of him for him to even get an opportunity to see us. And in saying that if he does all that work and I give him a chance doesnt mean after a week i cant say its not working out and end it properly. My friends and family all angrily say "i see him getting another chance" "i can see him working his ass off for you guys when he realises what he has done and gets help" they then say "it will either work out OR we see it being you that ends the relationship...not him"

 

As you know you have been in this situation back and forth for many years and i appreciate your advice as you have lived this...and i know its more then likely if he does come back things wont get better well atleast until he helps himself

 

what have you spent more time thinking about in the last few days, him, or YOU? Do you really feel like this guy is the best possible relationship option you will ever have? It certainly looks as if you feel that way.

 

To be honest i have been focusing on myself and my child.... he of course is a thought during the day but i am focusing on my daughter. I have had a rough run with relationships in the past and i am only 24... a brief recap... the man i was with before my ex i was with him for 5 years... then he up and left me only to marry someone else 2 months later... an arranged marriage... that destroyed me as that man was abusive (emotionally, physically, sexually) but you dont see how bad things are until you get out... a lot of other things went on in that relationship but anyway so when i met my ex i was seriously not looking for love, i was honestly scarred from relationships but he changed my mind and he pulled me into a positive and happy life. So he was the best possible relationship option... ive been through a lot, a lot of hurt and pain and i am young.

 

It seems that you are ready and waiting for this loser to come back to you as soon as he's done having his fun, because "he can change". And he will do it to you again. And again. It hope for you and your child's sake, you come out of it (yes, it will have a final ending) unscathed.

 

Im not waiting for him to come back, i ideally want him to come back to be hurt. I want to see him fall apart, to cry, to be sorry, to have regret, to hurt, to feel the full weight of his actions. He has lost the 2 best things that have ever and will ever happen to him and he doesnt care. i want him to care and realise it. I know that sounds cruel but we deserve that after all he is putting us through without a care. People are certain he will return and i am beggining to prepare myself for that using councilling and accesses drug rehab clinics. So i can be strong enough to stand my ground and say you need to help yourself then you can come and speak to me until then i am not interested in having anything to do with you basically

[beach]

Im not waiting for him to come back, i ideally want him to come back to be hurt. I want to see him fall apart, to cry, to be sorry, to have regret, to hurt, to feel the full weight of his actions. He has lost the 2 best things that have ever and will ever happen to him and he doesnt care. i want him to care and realise it. I know that sounds cruel but we deserve that after all he is putting us through without a care. People are certain he will return and i am beggining to prepare myself for that using councilling and accesses drug rehab clinics. So i can be strong enough to stand my ground and say you need to help yourself then you can come and speak to me until then i am not interested in having anything to do with you basically

 

Prepare yourself for him using for years and years. You can't make him get help! The drug is much bigger than you are.

 

My step son has been in that meth fog for 20 years...not showing signs of wanting to change a thing.

 

Don't let him in your house! They steal everything that's not bolted down. Learn about what meth and heroin does to the users. You need to be highly educated about how bad it gets for the loved ones of the users.

[ally2015]

Prepare yourself for him using for years and years. You can't make him get help! The drug is much bigger than you are.

 

My step son has been in that meth fog for 20 years...not showing signs of wanting to change a thing.

 

Don't let him in your house! They steal everything that's not bolted down. Learn about what meth and heroin does to the users. You need to be highly educated about how bad it gets for the loved ones of the users.

 

I wont be letting him anywhere near me until he goes and get help and if he doesnt want to then he can stay away. I am preparing myself for when/if he wants to come back. I actually changed my number so he can only contact via email (so everything is in writting) and i will hopefully be moving soon and i will not be telling him my new address.

 

I am sorry that your step son is going through that, must be awful. i am going to go and speak to a drug and alcohol councillor and ask what they believe he is using and learn more about it so when and if he returns i know how to handle myself

[No Limit]

Another reason not to let him into your house is the "shake and bake" method from meth users for those who can't cover up having a secret drug lab at home. They basically put the ingredients in a bottle and shake it for a few minutes - but the bottles can explode (!) if the mixture is wrong.