I Answered the Call

[Van Norden]

I don't know if I should be proud of my ex for being so mature with this or if I'm losing some important point. To those who are struggling with the notion of blocking or unblocking your exes, have you actually talked to them at how they are damaging both you and themselves in doing so? I mean, after I broke up she texted me asking for how was I coping, telling that she missed me so, that she would really keep things like they were, that she would love to kiss me at the moment but wasn't able to love me at the point, blah, blah, blah... After much thinking, and that was before reading all the recovery guides and finding this forum, I asked her to leave me alone. That I wouldn't conform to the friendzone and I wouldn't want to know anything from her part unless she truly wanted reconciliation. She went OK though expressed her sadness, which was natural and well-deserved imo.

 

Since then I haven't received anything from her. I phoned her for her birthday out of naivety (yeah, I know, won't happen again...) and when she used the greeting to try to chat with me I told her not to do so.

 

I know she's going to call me for my birthday soon (yeah, my fault again). I will skip NC that only day to tell her "thanks, hope everything's OK" and bye-bye. It will hurt, but not as it would do skipping the call and thinking at how insecure she would perceive me. I mean, hell, I want to heal, but I want to get her back at one point someday too, and I don't want to be rude to some action I've just done to her a couple of months before. I know some may disagree with me for not going "hardcore NC", but all in all she has done no bad to me other than breaking up for her own reasons that made sense. Not going to text the whole story again. Each situation is a world, and if s/he's been good (if that's a good term to be used in such situation), formalism is what s/he deserves. When s/he steps out of that line, take advantage of technology and block the hell out of him/her.

 

Hope I'm not alone on this.

Edited March 7, 2015 by Van Norden

[BC1980]

Today I did not answer the call' date=' and I don't feel bad. Part of me wants to ask him what is his motivation for calling, but I know whatever answer he gives won't be satisfying. I feel like he calls me just to show he cares.[/quote']

 

I don't think asking him for his motivation will yield any very insightful results. He probably just calls out of curiosity, and dumpers also have a hard time going completely cold turkey. Granted, he's not calling because he wants to get back together but because he's trying to transition to the future. My ex played these games too where he would text or call every few days like clock work. Sending me pictures and asking how I was doing. It's pointless really, and I only answered because I thought I could win him back by keeping him in my life.

 

I once asked him why he kept up the contact, and he said that he missed me as a friend and he wanted me in his life in some way. I also think that people like to keep you around as a backup plan. Most people aren't going to come right out and admit that, and they may not even be self-aware enough to admit that to themselves, but it's really the truth in a lot of cases. They are basically testing out the single life but keeping you around in case it doesn't work out.

[BC1980]

I turned my phone off this week just so I can get rid of that constant wondering of if he's going to call or text. I also turned it off so I wouldn't have to listen to my mom condoning contact with him. But I turned my phone on again yesterday, and of course my mom had to bring this up again.

 

This time, every time she brought up a remark on how much better I would be doing if I had responded or tried calling him sometime, I just said, "I feel suicidal after I'm in contact with him." She just kept talking, and to avoid not exploding on my mom, I just kept restating the phrase, "I feel suicidal after I'm in contact with him." I think after the 20th time I said, she finally gave up and said, "Well you do what makes you happy. We all have to live with our choices and it's only fair that the person who has to live with the choice at least makes the choice." Try having more subtlety, mom, why don't ya...

 

She was saying stuff like, "When you talk to him Cupid you feel better." And I kept trying to tell her that was not true. I just don't understand why a mother would want her child to believe that there is noway she could possibly be happy without communicating with someone who obviously doesn't want her. Then she tells me, "You don't know that, Cupid. You don't know what the future will bring." Um, yes I do. I think his saying, "You could never be my wife or mother of my kid," pretty much said my future was not with him. Sigh!

 

Your mom has serious boundary issues in this case. She is telling you how you feel, and you are the only one who knows how you feel. The last person who should be unsupportive is a parent. My ex actually did say something like the portion I bolded above. He told me he would never have a child with me because he would end up taking care of the child. He said I wasn't close enough to what he wanted to marry. Just awful things to say to someone you claim to love. Once my mom heard that, she said he was never allowed in their house again, and, if he so much as tried to call or talk to them, she would hang up on him.

 

I honestly don't know the motivation of a parent (or a friend or anyone else) to tell you to say in contact with a person who said the above and makes you feel suicidal. She is seriously putting her need above your own feelings. I don't even know what kind of advice to give you in this situation other than to keep asserting your boundaries. She is your mother, and you love her. But dang, she could at least be supportive of you in this case.

[Cupid's Puppet]

You have so much insight BC1980. I'm not just talking about my posts, but I read your posts in other threads too. Just very insightful.

 

I don't even think I want to get back together with him. So much time has gone by. We just never had an adult conversation about the breakup . Only he was allowed to ask questions and release his feelings. When I wanted to talk, he'd threaten to not talk to me again. And if I expressed any remotely loving words toward him, like sweet dreams, he'd ignore me all over again. Yet he was the one calling and texting me but acting like I was disturbing his life. He was playing games. Well game over.

 

So with my mom, a month ago I told her that when the breakup first happened she was pushing me to move on but now she is trying to keep me stuck. She basically said she didn't really want me to move on but she was so afraid I was going to kill myself so she said things to help me cope with the loss even though she really wanted me to fight for him back.

 

My mom's been with the same man for forty years and never went through a breakup. She doesn't really understand how no contact is actually better for my sanity.

[BC1980]

You have so much insight BC1980. I'm not just talking about my posts, but I read your posts in other threads too. Just very insightful.

 

I don't even think I want to get back together with him. So much time has gone by. We just never had an adult conversation about the breakup . Only he was allowed to ask questions and release his feelings. When I wanted to talk, he'd threaten to not talk to me again. And if I expressed any remotely loving words toward him, like sweet dreams, he'd ignore me all over again. Yet he was the one calling and texting me but acting like I was disturbing his life. He was playing games. Well game over.

 

So with my mom, a month ago I told her that when the breakup first happened she was pushing me to move on but now she is trying to keep me stuck. She basically said she didn't really want me to move on but she was so afraid I was going to kill myself so she said things to help me cope with the loss even though she really wanted me to fight for him back.

 

My mom's been with the same man for forty years and never went through a breakup. She doesn't really understand how no contact is actually better for my sanity.

 

Maybe you could tell your mom that it would be more helpful for her to be supportive instead of telling you what to do. I'd approach it like that because I'm sure she comes from a place of love. Even if her actions are not healthy, it sounds like she is somewhat clueless. Some people have dysfunctional ways of showing love.

 

All that stuff I bolded, it's a way to control the relationship. My ex did this too. He wanted to keep contact but on his terms. He got to decide what was appropriate. It's a way to keep you in their life but at arm's length. Actually, my entire 3 yr. relationship was like that, and it's honestly a terrible way to live. The only response is NC because you can't win at that type of game. You are dealing with someone who is playing an entirely different game than you. Something you don't even comprehend.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I hate to do this, but I think I will distance myself from my mom for a few months. I don't need her to continue to reaffirm negative thoughts I have for myself. I told her the other day that my ex called and I had the strength to not respond. Silly me thought I would have her support, but she panicked about the situation and felt the need to tell me I will regret it and some things I need to fight for blah blah blah.

 

My mom is acting like I am the dumper. She is acting like I am some stubborn woman who won't take him back when it is the other way around. I didn't appreciate the comments she made about my sister either. My sister was with this guy for 9 years, and he did not want to commit.

 

My mom said she knows my sister regrets that to this day because she hasn't been happy since. What bull! My sister made the decision for him since he couldn't. He ended up marrying someone else a year later after being with my sister for nearly a decade. Yet, my mom thinks that is something she regrets. And the implication is, "Don't be like your sister almost 50 without a ring and kids. If you don't go back to this guy, then you'll be miserable for the rest of your life like your sister." Gee, thanks mom. Because it's not like I don't already believe no one will ever love me again or that I can't find happiness in a life alone. Just keep reminding me that he is the one who got away because that does so much for my self esteem.

 

ETA: Even better is she has to bring religion in the mix. She said God spoke to her about my ex. That was a sly way of trying to make me feel like God inspired my ex to call me so we can get back together and we will live happily ever after. Well mom, why didn't God tell you I don't believe in a god?

Edited May 24, 2015 by Cupid's Puppet

[BC1980]

This is a situation where you don't need to talk to your mom about your ex or any relationships in depth. You can still have a relationship with your mom without talking about certain things. Guess what? If your sister had stayed with her ex, she would still be 50 with no ring and kids. Your mom has some seriously dysfunctional thinking.

[BC1980]

My mom said she knows my sister regrets that to this day because she hasn't been happy since. What bull! My sister made the decision for him since he couldn't. He ended up marrying someone else a year later after being with my sister for nearly a decade. Yet' date=' my mom thinks that is something she regrets. And the implication is, "Don't be like your sister almost 50 without a ring and kids. If you don't go back to this guy, then you'll be miserable for the rest of your life like your sister." Gee, thanks mom. Because it's not like I don't already believe no one will ever love me again or that I can't find happiness in a life alone. Just keep reminding me that he is the one who got away because that does so much for my self esteem.[/quote']

 

I don't understand that line of thinking. You have to have a ring and kids to be happy. Even if it means that you stick around with someone who doesn't want to commit to you. There are plenty of miserable people who have a ring and kids but stay for fear of being alone. I'd personally rather be single and happy, knowing that I'm not settling for someone who just keeps me around because no one better has come along.

 

I stuck around for 3 years until he eventually dumped me and went on to marry someone else. Best thing he could have ever done for me. Now, I can live my life knowing I won't settle for that type of garbage relationship again. I can find someone who actually wants to be with me and accepts me for me.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Thank you. I am so glad you stick around these forums. I wish you knew how much you helped so many of us. I ran out of ears to vent to, and it does so much to have someone just read my melodrama from time to time and get it.