ggas Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 About a year and a half ago I met my ex at a musical festival. We hooked up and it was all very romantic. Due to my previous abusive relationship, I was quite indiferent towards her so after one month she broke up with me. It didn t matter that much but two months later she started texting me again and we hooked back up. Again I was quite indiferent towards her but decided to give it a chance. Sure there were some things that I didn t like about her like her being super jealous or her using stereotypes and generalities as debate arguments or me having to drag her out of the house to go out and make friends but then again no one is perfect myself included. However there were some other things that made me reluctant like the fact that she wanted to move things very fast. We basicaly moved in together although i still had my own place. We took trips together partied and had a really good time. Things were moving very fast with her seemingly very emotionally dependent on me. Until the first BOOM. She mentioned at some point about an ex who she claimed was very judgemental, jealous and manipulative. They were together in our home country (we are both expats) but they lived in different cities. They were also highschool mates. Anyway after trying to convince him to come to her, he almost accepted but refused last minute. She was depressed until she met me. Anyway last summer after we were together for 6 months she met him at their highschool reunion. They talked, just the two of them and said things like "i miss you", "my heart will pump harder when I ll see you", "I feel safe knowing you ll be there" etc I was shocked but I was like "good thing I found out before getting more attached". So I moved in with the breakup but since they didn t work anything out she started crying and begging me not to leave. She was like "you re the one I love and I don t feel anything for him". Anyway she pleaded and pleaded and in the end I renounced my apartment and officialy moved in with her. Things started again even faster as in so fast that it scared me to the point I wanted to break up. I asked my friends if I am crazy and they all said "she is great. Don t be crazy". I convinced myself that I should follow her rhythm. Relationship was great or so it seemed. We were having fun, good sex. I had my own things that made me happy and my own friends but also we were doing things together. She doesn t have friends where we live (only some of my friends) and she also has some issues with her boss at work. He is also her uncle.Anyway everything was awesome with her saying that she is soo happy and that I am all she is looking for in a guy. Until mid december. I came home from work and found her crying. She couldn t explain why. I asked "is it about your ex" and she answered "you re only making it worse". I dropped the subject. Xmass comes and we both go to see our families. She sees him again and they talk and this time around he deletes her from fb and tells her it is too hard for him to see her with me. We met to go to new years together and i suspected something was wrong because she was very aggresive and argumentative with me from very small things. She even hit me once while I was driving because I was defending my point. At new years she was very cold with me always checking her phone always waiting for something. Next day she started a conversation telling me that she is not always happy with me and can t connect with me sometimes. I said we should stop playing games and I decided to leave. Again she cried and convinced me to stay. However I felt anxious and quite sad all the time. One week later her bday. I go to our home and sure enough I watched on my laptop a live conversation between her and her ex saying things like "you re my last happy reference" "I m thinking about you so much" "I dreamed about you" "i m afraid that only I want something that doesn t exist" to which he reciprocated "I miss you too" "we should ve found a solution" etc. I was devasted. I went to her bday after confronting her. She was all over me crying and saying "she is so stupid for losing me". We caried on until the 11th of jan when we started talking about what happened and said she needs a break cause she has doubts and that she needs a leader and she is afraid our kids would be weak people (...). I packed my stuff wanting to leave but she jumped on me and we had great sex. We decided to make it work. I started changing some things being a bit more pushy with the things that she was not doing right and which caused her frustrations (like work, gym social life). In the end the same conversation started again one week later. Again I packed. We made out but this time I left for good. Next day I picked up the rest of my things. She told me she is again talking to her ex (what a shocker). It s been Nearly 2 weeks. I took a trip to thailand but still feel like ****. The thing is I feel so much guilt. What if I could do things differently? What if I should ve judged her more and push her more (i was always very supportive but never bossed her around). Was there something I could ve done differently? Or was this relationship dead before it even started regardless of what I could ve done. I don t initiate contact with her. But should I delete her from FB and my life entirely or is that mean/immature/weak? I am still in such a shock that I ask myself all these BS questions and they haunt me. The thing is the desire to erase her from my life is huge but it is opposed by my great love for her, the fact that she is an awesome girl and the fact that she might be like "whatever". What did I do wrong? Whenever I didn t like sonething I would point out constructively. I tried to take the lead and improve her social habits... I guess I ****ed up... I have so many questions "was there anything real in this relationship?" "Did she ever love me?" "Did she do anything wrong?" "Where did I mess up?" "Had I been there when she saw her ex would things be different". Anyway after the breakup she said that regardless of what people think she still considers this a break and doesn t want to renounce the idea of us. What do I do now? Erase her from my life? Keep her in but avoid contact and try to move on like this? How do I shake the thought that she might find a job for her ex here and bring him here? How do I shake this feeling of guilt? Please help. ANY advice and opinion is most welcome Share
Trimmer Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I just can't read that wall of text. It would really help if you would copy it, paste it into another reply in this thread, and separate it into sensibly organized paragraphs.
Author ggas Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 About a year and a half ago I met my ex at a musical festival. We hooked up and it was all very romantic. Due to my previous abusive relationship, I was quite indiferent towards her so after one month she broke up with me. It didn t matter that much but two months later she started texting me again and we hooked back up. Again I was quite indiferent towards her but decided to give it a chance. Sure there were some things that I didn t like about her like her being super jealous or her using stereotypes and generalities as debate arguments or me having to drag her out of the house to go out and make friends but then again no one is perfect myself included. However there were some other things that made me reluctant like the fact that she wanted to move things very fast. We basicaly moved in together although i still had my own place. We took trips together partied and had a really good time. Things were moving very fast with her seemingly very emotionally dependent on me. Until the first BOOM. She mentioned at some point about an ex who she claimed was very judgemental, jealous and manipulative but whom she loved very very much. They were together in our home country (we are both expats) but they lived in different cities. They were also highschool mates. Anyway after trying to convince him to come to her, he almost accepted but refused last minute. She was depressed until she met me. Anyway last summer after we were together for 6 months she met him at their highschool reunion. They talked, just the two of them and said things like "i miss you", "my heart will pump harder when I ll see you", "I feel safe knowing you ll be there" etc I was shocked but I was like "good thing I found out before getting more attached". So I moved in with the breakup but since they didn t work anything out she started crying and begging me not to leave. She was like "you re the one I love and I don t feel anything for him". Anyway she pleaded and pleaded and in the end I renounced my apartment and officialy moved in with her. Things started again even faster as in so fast that it scared me to the point I wanted to break up. I asked my friends if I am crazy and they all said "she is great. Don t be crazy". I convinced myself that I should follow her rhythm. Relationship was great or so it seemed. We were having fun, good sex. I had my own things that made me happy and my own friends but also we were doing things together. She doesn t have friends where we live (only some of my friends) and she also has some issues with her boss at work. He is also her uncle. Anyway everything was awesome with her saying that she is soo happy and that I am all she is looking for in a guy. Until mid december. I came home from work and found her crying. She couldn t explain why. I asked "is it about your ex" and she answered "you re only making it worse". I dropped the subject. Xmass comes and we both go to see our families. She sees him again and they talk and this time around he deletes her from fb and tells her it is too hard for him to see her with me. We met to go to new years together and i suspected something was wrong because she was very aggresive and argumentative with me from very small things. She even hit me once while I was driving because I was defending my point. At new years she was very cold with me always checking her phone always waiting for something. Next day she started a conversation telling me that she is not always happy with me and can t connect with me sometimes. I said we should stop playing games and I decided to leave. Again she cried and convinced me to stay. However I felt anxious and quite sad all the time. One week later her bday. I go to our home and sure enough I watched on my laptop a live conversation between her and her ex saying things like "you re my last happy reference" "I m thinking about you so much" "I dreamed about you" "i m afraid that only I want something that doesn t exist" to which he reciprocated "I miss you too" "we should ve found a solution" etc. I was devasted. I went to her bday after confronting her. She was all over me crying and saying "she is so stupid for losing me". We caried on until the 11th of jan when we started talking about what happened and said she needs a break cause she has doubts and that she needs a leader and she is afraid our kids would be weak people (...). I packed my stuff wanting to leave but she jumped on me and we had great sex. We decided to make it work. I started changing some things being a bit more pushy with the things that she was not doing right and which caused her frustrations (like work, gym social life). In the end the same conversation started again one week later. Again I packed. We made out but this time I left for good. Next day I picked up the rest of my things. She told me she is again talking to her ex (what a shocker). It s been Nearly 2 weeks. I took a trip to thailand but still feel like ****. The thing is I feel so much guilt. What if I could do things differently? What if I should ve judged her more and push her more (i was always very supportive but never bossed her around). Was there something I could ve done differently? Or was this relationship dead before it even started regardless of what I could ve done. I don t initiate contact with her. But should I delete her from FB and my life entirely or is that mean/immature/weak? I am still in such a shock that I ask myself all these BS questions and they haunt me. The thing is the desire to erase her from my life is huge but it is opposed by my great love for her, the fact that she is an awesome girl and the fact that she might be like "whatever". What did I do wrong? Whenever I didn t like sonething I would point out constructively. I tried to take the lead and improve her social habits... I guess I ****ed up... I have so many questions "was there anything real in this relationship?" "Did she ever love me?" "Did she do anything wrong?" "Where did I mess up?" "Had I been there when she saw her ex would things be different". Anyway after the breakup she said that regardless of what people think she still considers this a break and doesn t want to renounce the idea of us. What do I do now? Erase her from my life? Keep her in but avoid contact and try to move on like this? How do I shake the thought that she might find a job for her ex here and bring him here? How do I shake this feeling of being replaced so so so fast? Or that her narc ex/current will all of a sudden change and they'll get married and I will hve to witness that? I know it's pointless to think like this. But from what she told me her ex is really a narc that is very judgemental/possesive/controlling/jealous/dissappears days on end after an argument etc but he would also give her super high moments of happiness. So yeah people. Please help me. I'm at the point where I feel like I want to erase her from my life knowing that maybe this is the fater way to heal but something in me is pushing this back saying that what if we could work something out at some point? Such an unhealthy thought...
towardthefuture Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 any thoughts? please please? ANY? I read it. I think it honestly has nothing to do with you. People can be complicated. You might have been a pleasant pit stop on her road to 'the one'. There aren't any mind readers around. I don't think she rejected you so much as you got caught up in her complicated history. If I were you I'd just be a gentleman about it.
Chi townD Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Dude, in this relationship, it's never been just the two of you. It feels like she was just cooling her heels with you while trying to reel this other dude in. And that's not fair to you at all. It feels like she always had one foot out the door from this relationship. You were her security blanket while she tried to work this other angle with her Ex. Dude, you deserve a girl that will be 100% dedicated to you and no one else.
Author ggas Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Well I was a gentleman about it. i moved out. I wished her well. I thanked her for the amazing year we had together and i said it's not fair to consider this a break since we don't know if we will ever get back together or not and it is best to consider this a breakup. I haven't talked to her since. She hasn't said one word either. I feel completely lost tortured by a million questions and all I can do is take one day at a time.
Author ggas Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 I thought the same thing. I'm beginning to think that this relationship was more like a message she wanted to send to her ex. During the summer thing she was going towards him. Now again going towards him. Maybe she never loved me. In the back of her head I guess she always hoped to reconcile with her ex. I don't know why but I can't remember a moment when we were unhappy together. We never got bored, the attraction was there. I don't know what happened...
leafsfan1967 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 ggas, I've been there, just recently actually. Was going out with someone for a few months (which were very intense) and then suddenly one day she just jumped ship and I found out a few weeks after she left me she went back to her ex of 5 years (met me 3 months after they broke up). It undoubtedly hurts like hell, and I'm left wondering if I was just used a rebound, as a ploy in some game to make her ex jealous or make him wise up and change? I don't have any advice because I'm still in the thick of it with you. But I just want you to know you're not alone. Others are with you.
Author ggas Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 I read your story bro. What can I say? It is very sad indeed. But your ex is 23 still young and imature. I'm prety sure she will breakup with that guy again but I have to say that I don't think she will come back to you since she probably want more fun and drama and not a secure thing. In my case my ex is 29. She rushed things in our relationship not me. My mistake was that I went along with it. I should've never accepted this super fast rhythm. My ex got cold all of a sudden. But yeah. I do feel your pain. Count your losses. It's been only 3 months. In my case I lived together for a whole year with this girl. So sad and unfair some things are....
leafsfan1967 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Thanks ggas. I hear what you're saying about your ex rushing things. That's exactly how it was with my ex. She intensified things so fast, and I went along because well I was into her and just thought why not? It felt right at the time, but in hindsight was probably another red flag. I practically was living with her (spending 4-5 nights a week with her). I also agree I don't think she's going to come back and I'm just working on accepting that. It's like she wanted to like a guy like me or the idea of a guy like me, but just couldn't do it. At least at this stage in her life.
Author ggas Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I was checking my email and I saw an old email from her (we broke up 3 weeks ago). This email was 2 month before BU. I was working late and she sent me a video telling me that she is home waiting for me and she prepared dinner and to come home faster cause she's all alone and she gets bored. the video ends with her telling me I love you with her cute voice. It brought me down. It completely brought me down. 1 month before BU there was another email from her with her favorite pictures of us. few weeks later her ex pops in and destroys everything. I am so so so lost and sad. I didn't contact her or anything. I will not even after this. Because I know she is now all thinking of him. Why did this have to happen? I don't understand. We were so happy. Why? ((( help 1
Jessie1231 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I know the feeling. I had to get rid of all the sweet things there were. I wanted to save it because I always thought what if we get back together and it's gone? But if we had gotten back together we could make new memories so why did I need the old stuff? I did hang on to some pictures from some really fun trips, but I have only recently gotten to the point where I can look at them and feel ok about it. If you must save those things, hide it from yourself somewhere where you won't accidentally come across it. Like make a new email you don't actually use, forward everything there then delete it from the main email. That way, if you do absolutely need it one day you can find it, but it's not so easy to access now. Good luck.
Familia Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Hang in there mate I know the feeling all too well. 7 year relationship and now 8 days of NC and heard nothing nor can I contact her (blocked etc) so I have not even tried any more. I am going through the same things, from clothes she has bought me to letters and cards I am finding around the house, including a book I got for Christmas where she had wrote look forward to 2015 and being together forever and just think and now I am here, I have since packed the book away and everything else I can visually see on a daily basis. Mate it hurts and bad but we need to be strong, we cannot make them come back or love us any more
Author ggas Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I can't remember a moment when we were unhappy. We were so happy together. He pops in and everything is ruined. I don't understand. We were not bored with each other we had the atraction. I just don't understand (((
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You got played, dude. It wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve that. You stated that you didn't contact her or anything. But, you still broke NC. You need to remove her from every facet of your life. By holding onto those emails only set you back and got you posting here! Dude, you need to delete everything and block her from everything.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You'll never know why, and if you insist on knowing why, you'll be completely dissatisfied. I know how you feel... you can't believe it. You were completely blindsided by this, and you can't imagine how things could turn so quickly. The ugly truth about this whole thing is that you are a victim of your emotions right now. You can't turn them off, you can't change them, and they are pretty much in control of you. The same is true for her. Whatever happened to trigger her response, she felt for him the same way that you feel for her. She was compelled, beyond her own power to resist, to do what her heart demanded that she do, you be damned. I'm sure she's not happy about what she did to you, but when it boils down to a choice between hurting you and satisfying her heart, you lose. That's pretty much the way it goes. Part of you is probably feeling like you can never trust her again. There is an important lesson in this, and don't make the mistake of seeing this in terms of trust. You can't really trust anybody's feelings, not even your own. They are beyond peoples' control. You can only decide to risk, or not to risk. Despite the best intentions, people change. It happens all the time. This time, you risked, and it didn't work out. If you're young, that's pretty typical. Maybe you thought you two had something special. You didn't. Your story has been told a million times before, and will be repeated a million times again. Don't worry about why... just worry about what. Take a few days off, feel bad and cry or punch your pillow or whatever. Get it out, or at least, open the floodgates and get the drain started. Read all those old emails, look at all the old pics and videos, and desensitize yourself to them. Rob them of their power over you. Then, after you've watched them as much as you can stand them, delete them all. They are not helpful to you. Get rid of the physical stuff too. Post here when you feel like talking to her. Get it out. You have a long road ahead of you. Do your time wisely, and come out better on the other end. Good luck.
Kinetica84 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I was checking my email and I saw an old email from her (we broke up 3 weeks ago). This email was 2 month before BU. I was working late and she sent me a video telling me that she is home waiting for me and she prepared dinner and to come home faster cause she's all alone and she gets bored. the video ends with her telling me I love you with her cute voice. It brought me down. It completely brought me down. 1 month before BU there was another email from her with her favorite pictures of us. few weeks later her ex pops in and destroys everything. I am so so so lost and sad. I didn't contact her or anything. I will not even after this. Because I know she is now all thinking of him. Why did this have to happen? I don't understand. We were so happy. Why? ((( help I am sorry to hear this mate but you have to hang in there and push on without her. The one thing we ALL have to accept with relationships they will all end one day. Either a break up or death will take it and either can happen at anytime. My relationship went bad so rapidly i didn't even know what day it was. We went from moving in together to a house a bought, to trying for family and and to splitting up all within 5 months. 5 months after moving in it was over. My point is, you can have your future mapped out, everything can seem great between both parties then one day things can change over night. Sometimes it is a symptom of a much bigger problem but it can happen just as quick. Can i ask why you guys broke up? I am in the process of erasing my ex from my life. She brought so much into my home and decorated it. My place looks bare right now because i am stripping it bare and starting again. In short, erase her from your life in every way possible. It's the best way to move on.
Author ggas Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 We broke up because she saw her ex and she said she has unsolved issues with him. Even after she saw him we kept having sex until the day we broke up. Basicaly after she saw him they kept talking rehashing their "happy" relationship although he is a superjealous guy and superpossesive and critical and all their arguments were huge with him disapearing for days. However their good times were intense but ours were too. We traveled a lot, we shared responsibilities. It was great. She saw him and then 180 degree turn. I did not break NC nor do I intend too. I will never get my questions answered or proper closure. To make things worse she insisted this is just a break but I said that it s not fair to take a break just to see if she can work things out with her ex. She said she doesn t want to be in something that is toxic for her and she just wants to solve some issues and that she needs a leader. I don t know what that means because I was never needy or clingy and I was always encouraging her. I was not controling her like her ex. I believe in constructive conversations not things like "do that or that".... I don't know. I feel very lost. We could ve been so good together. So so good...
neowulf Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 She said she doesn t want to be in something that is toxic for her and she just wants to solve some issues and that she needs a leader. I don t know what that means because I was never needy or clingy and I was always encouraging her. I was not controling her like her ex. I believe in constructive conversations not things like "do that or that".... I don't know. I feel very lost. We could ve been so good together. So so good... She wants what she wants man. If you try to reason it out, you'll only hurt yourself more. There is no reason. It is what it is. I'm sorry for your pain.
Author ggas Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 The toxic part was about her ex/current
Hija77 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Maybe a controlling jerk is what she wants! I agree that closure is a MYTH. It does not exist. Saying she wants a break, so she can try to make it work with another dude, is not only heartless and disrespectful, but entirely selfish. Who wants someone who fits such a foul description? You're lucky to be rid of her. I know your emotions are running high. Break ups suck, BUT no one deserves to be put on a shelf so that their significant other can play the field. I appreciate that you're wondering how things could've been, but it didn't play out that way. Spending time thinking about that is a fool's errand. It will only hurt you more. Good luck to you! Stay strong.
Nolan 93 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 we are in the same boat man, we will get through this together. It sucks but this is what our exe's want. We cant change their mind.
Author ggas Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 I haven't begged or anything. Keeping my distance and regrouping. I'm curently apartment hunting. I want an awesome place I can call my own and I'm trying to learn a new language (german). I will also be pressing harder to finish my PhD faster and start working ASAP. Other than that, I don't know. I kind of want to try again with another girl to see if I still have any love to offer. I was dumped 3 times already and every single time I suffered. But this last one was particularly hard since the relationship was good, plans were made and the replacement was SUPER FAST! As in SUPER FAST! Still trying to shake this desire to get back together because I know it's unhealthy and I know it wouldn't work now anyway. Will try to update you guys on how I'm doing. Anyone interested in a focus group? I could arrange Skype conferences. I guess talking in person with someone from LS would benefit both people.
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