any thoughts on this?

[ggas]

About a year and a half ago I met my ex at a musical festival. We hooked up and it was all very romantic. Due to my previous abusive relationship, I was quite indiferent towards her so after one month she broke up with me. It didn t matter that much but two months later she started texting me again and we hooked back up. Again I was quite indiferent towards her but decided to give it a chance. Sure there were some things that I didn t like about her like her being super jealous or her using stereotypes and generalities as debate arguments or me having to drag her out of the house to go out and make friends but then again no one is perfect myself included. However there were some other things that made me reluctant like the fact that she wanted to move things very fast. We basicaly moved in together although i still had my own place. We took trips together partied and had a really good time. Things were moving very fast with her seemingly very emotionally dependent on me. Until the first BOOM. She mentioned at some point about an ex who she claimed was very judgemental, jealous and manipulative. They were together in our home country (we are both expats) but they lived in different cities. They were also highschool mates. Anyway after trying to convince him to come to her, he almost accepted but refused last minute. She was depressed until she met me. Anyway last summer after we were together for 6 months she met him at their highschool reunion. They talked, just the two of them and said things like "i miss you", "my heart will pump harder when I ll see you", "I feel safe knowing you ll be there" etc I was shocked but I was like "good thing I found out before getting more attached". So I moved in with the breakup but since they didn t work anything out she started crying and begging me not to leave. She was like "you re the one I love and I don t feel anything for him". Anyway she pleaded and pleaded and in the end I renounced my apartment and officialy moved in with her. Things started again even faster as in so fast that it scared me to the point I wanted to break up. I asked my friends if I am crazy and they all said "she is great. Don t be crazy". I convinced myself that I should follow her rhythm. Relationship was great or so it seemed. We were having fun, good sex. I had my own things that made me happy and my own friends but also we were doing things together. She doesn t have friends where we live (only some of my friends) and she also has some issues with her boss at work. He is also her uncle.Anyway everything was awesome with her saying that she is soo happy and that I am all she is looking for in a guy. Until mid december. I came home from work and found her crying. She couldn t explain why. I asked "is it about your ex" and she answered "you re only making it worse". I dropped the subject. Xmass comes and we both go to see our families. She sees him again and they talk and this time around he deletes her from fb and tells her it is too hard for him to see her with me. We met to go to new years together and i suspected something was wrong because she was very aggresive and argumentative with me from very small things. She even hit me once while I was driving because I was defending my point. At new years she was very cold with me always checking her phone always waiting for something. Next day she started a conversation telling me that she is not always happy with me and can t connect with me sometimes. I said we should stop playing games and I decided to leave. Again she cried and convinced me to stay. However I felt anxious and quite sad all the time. One week later her bday. I go to our home and sure enough I watched on my laptop a live conversation between her and her ex saying things like "you re my last happy reference" "I m thinking about you so much" "I dreamed about you" "i m afraid that only I want something that doesn t exist" to which he reciprocated "I miss you too" "we should ve found a solution" etc. I was devasted. I went to her bday after confronting her. She was all over me crying and saying "she is so stupid for losing me". We caried on until the 11th of jan when we started talking about what happened and said she needs a break cause she has doubts and that she needs a leader and she is afraid our kids would be weak people (...). I packed my stuff wanting to leave but she jumped on me and we had great sex. We decided to make it work. I started changing some things being a bit more pushy with the things that she was not doing right and which caused her frustrations (like work, gym social life). In the end the same conversation started again one week later. Again I packed. We made out but this time I left for good. Next day I picked up the rest of my things. She told me she is again talking to her ex (what a shocker). It s been Nearly 2 weeks. I took a trip to thailand but still feel like ****. The thing is I feel so much guilt. What if I could do things differently? What if I should ve judged her more and push her more (i was always very supportive but never bossed her around). Was there something I could ve done differently? Or was this relationship dead before it even started regardless of what I could ve done. I don t initiate contact with her. But should I delete her from FB and my life entirely or is that mean/immature/weak? I am still in such a shock that I ask myself all these BS questions and they haunt me. The thing is the desire to erase her from my life is huge but it is opposed by my great love for her, the fact that she is an awesome girl and the fact that she might be like "whatever". What did I do wrong? Whenever I didn t like sonething I would point out constructively. I tried to take the lead and improve her social habits... I guess I ****ed up... I have so many questions "was there anything real in this relationship?" "Did she ever love me?" "Did she do anything wrong?" "Where did I mess up?" "Had I been there when she saw her ex would things be different". Anyway after the breakup she said that regardless of what people think she still considers this a break and doesn t want to renounce the idea of us. What do I do now? Erase her from my life? Keep her in but avoid contact and try to move on like this? How do I shake the thought that she might find a job for her ex here and bring him here? How do I shake this feeling of guilt? Please help. ANY advice and opinion is most welcome