fitnessfan365 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 1) Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. You were a willing partner in a one night stand with her so don't be a hypocrite. 2) The past is the past. If she is clean and monogamous, that's all that should matter. Plus, you probably love how great she is in bed right? It takes practice to get good at something. 3) Pay attention to her actions. If she introduced you to her parents, she legitimately cares about you. Be in the moment and appreciate the loyalty she has for you. Honestly, I think it shows a lack of confidence on your part to doubt what type of woman she is based on her past. If you're confident and believe in her, the present is all that should matter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Wow, totally different answer compared to the previous ones. My brother told me I should confront her about what I had seen in her phone, but, at the same time, it could be just harmless stuff: chatting with old classmates, collegues and stuff with no intention whatsoever. Asking her to prove her loyalty to me by showing these messages truly shows I don't trust her. It could ruin it forever. Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) OP I get your situation but I'm surprised that you're 30. When I was about 19-20 I dated this really hot party-girl that sounds just like yours. I was also the first guy she ever introduced to her mom (her parents divorced, she lived only with her mom). Actually the "acting jealous" situation was similar to mine as well. She once told me that she was going to sleep after dinner on Facebook but when I called her to give a goodnight call she was at a nightclub! Suddenly one of her friends said "leave her alone!" on her phone. Long story short it means that her friends want her to be single and slutty just like they are. Also I also experience the humiliation feeling of going to a club and seeing many guys know her a little too well — when we went to any nightclub in her city all the bouncers knew her too well. After her I never allowed any woman to make me feel like garbage. I'm 26 now and I'm distant friends with that ex (she's 24-25 I think) and she matured a lot over the years but she still parties a lot, her friends once mentioned that they would still party when they're really old. Bear that in mind, girls like that never grow up. Like others said, why be in a relationship that you don't enjoy and deprive yourself of the many gf-material girls out there? I understand its tough to break up from the sex but is it really worth it? Do you enjoy feeling like a loser that decided to gf-up the club slut? Just text her and say that you don't think you are a match, that you're looking for someone more mature and hope all the best for her. Edited March 3, 2015 by wb1988 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I still think it's funny how you question if she's relationship material when you had a one night stand with her. She could easily wonder the same thing about you. Also, it's a lame double standard. If you love how good a woman is at sex, you can't judge her for her past. It obviously took experience to get good at it. That's why as long as she's clean and faithful to me, I could care less about her past. Now obviously you don't want a girl that's so used it's like flying into the grand canyon. But sexual experience equals more fun for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Oh yeah I wanted to also say to add "I'm sure you will find someone better than me" at the end of the breakup text. I used it once and I'm sure it was the reason why I got a few booty-calls after. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Haha, yes that is exactly how I feel: I fell for the club slut! It did not give me a confidence boost, that's for sure. I remember last month I was invited at her parents house and at some point we were discussing astrology and I asked her stepfather what star sign he had and he answered: "something your girlfriend is definitely not" (meaning, virgo or translated in my language 'virgin'). Like, even the familiy was surprised she took a boyfriend with her... Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I remember last month I was invited at her parents house and at some point we were discussing astrology and I asked her stepfather what star sign he had and he answered: "something your girlfriend is definitely not" (meaning, virgo or translated in my language 'virgin'). Like, even the familiy was surprised she took a boyfriend with her... Are you serious haha, that's the crimson red flag right there! Again, I totally know how hard it is to break up with a girl like that, it's like breaking up with the popular girl in HS that you totally don't deserve and other guys hate on you for. At the end it aint worth it and it's depriving you of someone better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 I feel you too, fitnessfan. Your stance and the others: it's really a conflict at the moment. If I just 'trust' and discard all the paranoia, despite the red flags, I still see a future. But yeah.. most of the time I just don't trust this girl and I'm not enjoying it. There should be borders. I don't feel good asking her about what she does on messenger: it's her privacy, right? I don't want to invade her privacy and then find out I was just a paranoid insecure prick... Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I feel you too, fitnessfan. Your stance and the others: it's really a conflict at the moment. If I just 'trust' and discard all the paranoia, despite the red flags, I still see a future. But yeah.. most of the time I just don't trust this girl and I'm not enjoying it. There should be borders. I don't feel good asking her about what she does on messenger: it's her privacy, right? I don't want to invade her privacy and then find out I was just a paranoid insecure prick... If it was just the lots of male friends on messenger issue I feel you would be over reacting asking to see her chat history, but with the other party good time girl indicators its just another log on the fire for your doubts, and LOTS of guys would be feeling the same. In your own word you say you are not fully enjoying this relationship, so I cant see things changing for the better unless you can ease some of the doubts and to me that means seeing what she gets up to online. You have given her some stability in her life and she likely really loves you and thinks your great guy but I'd be surprised that she has left her old ways behind fully. She likes to get pissed when she drinks, her inhibitions go down & libido goes up and her close gfs are slutty and she's very friendly with quite a few guys at the clubs - well I doubt she will be the chaperone for the night when she wants to go out for girls nites out, and your mind will be churning then. As her first serious bf, you will be a learning experience for her as she transitions from party girl. I'm not sure how far ahead you see a future with her, but I'd enjoy it as a STR . I think you can risk losing her by quizzing her a little next time she is on FB as to who all these dudes are that are constantly in touch with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Well, you have only known her 6 weeks, and already you know she has a couple of problems: 1) She's an alcoholic. 2) She gets drunk and can't say "no" to other guys. To be a catch, she has to have integrity... be trustworthy and responsible. You can only love someone as much as you can trust them. If there's not enough trust, there is not enough love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Be careful.who you date/befriend directly affect you/your league. Don't lower your class by being in a relationship with a lower class whore, if you ever want to up your class later on in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soithascometothis Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 OP, I'm around your age (32), and I've recently begun to think that all this kind of relationship drama and mental anguish isn't really necessary. All of this is a sign that you aren't with the right person. I've been (all guys have) been in your shoes. It's nice to be with a girl who likes you, you find attractive, you are having fun most of the time, and getting regular sex. You don't want to give it up and start at square one again. I totally get it. The perspective from the outside looking in though is that this is doomed. Either get over all this stuff and love her for who she is, or move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
venusishername Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I think at your age you can easily find a non-party girl. There are countless girls who would value a relationship more than what your gf show's go for one of them. Even tho it's her first serious relationship anyone with common sense knows flirting with other men is a no no to have to need to do the talk with her shows me her intent is to do so until you complain and it's going to be that way with various other things as well. OP, I'm your age. I personally never date younger than me for this reason. When I was 25, I was so much different than I am now. At 30, you can find a girl past her party years and club friends. Trust me. The fact that all her friends are the way they are, and taunting you about being jealous..... who the hell has time for that?!?? You seem leagues away from this girl. Don't lower your standards. I can't imagine any of my friends acting the way her friends did, btw. But, recently she was scrolling through her facebook messenger when lying next to me in bed and I saw all these guys (male friends, collegues I suppose) that she was messaging with. I didn't really see what kind of stuff it was: it is none of my business and it could be very harmless: especially because she has put her relationship status on being with me so they'd all know. But still it kind of disturbs me... and what makes me more suspicious is that she is online at messenger a great amount of time (80% of the times I check my FB) but never posts anything on her wall. She also mentioned an old classmate (guy) she met at the gym who she tries to put together with her roommate, and a guyfriend who is coming back from abroad that wants to have a drink with her. Another thing: I was drunk the other night and one of her friends called me "acting jealous" while I wasn't doing anything! So I called my gf on that and she did not understand where that came from, because, so she said, I never acted that way. Not sure how to act on all this, so I remain stoic. The idea of losing her is painful, but my gut you know... not sure if I'm becoming paranoid or if I'm truly with the wrong one. I AM having commitment issues due to a very traumatic past, which resulted in feeling depressed from time to time. She might be seeing I'm avoiding the relationship sometimes, my instability might have turning her off (while I never acted needy or something, just cold and distant and, once, angry), and doesn't feel very secure in it so keeps other options open? Not sure. Your gut is screaming at you to listen, and I think you've known that all along that something is wrong. If you're having these nagging doubts a month or more into it, and the red flags, or so many things that bother you (apart from the good stuff)... it's not working out. Listen to your heart... because it's always true to you. I didn't read the entire thread but I hope you've come to some conclusions and closure. I think although she may genuinely like you... she's still too immature to be in a real relationship and obviously doesn't see things the way you do. As far as the FB messaging... just a social butterfly and maybe attention seeker... that won't necessarily change if part of her personality. I think it has a lot to do with her immaturity too. The friends claiming you're jealous is so immature I can't wrap my head around it. I'm sure at 30, you don't want that kind of crap in your life. Maybe when you were 18-22 in college, but you're more mature now. I hope that you cut ties with her and find someone on your maturity level! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Well, thank you very much for your replies. I think it all comes down to three things: 1. I don't trust her because of her past, her drunk behaviour and because she is chatting with other guys. 2. I don't feel happy in this relationship, but that could be because of trust issues and also because of low self esteem/depression 3. I should trust and accept who she is (like many of you said; immature), or move on The thing is: it all could be because of my lack of trust, my suspiciousness and I'm just afraid of ruining something that could be beautiful. Edited March 4, 2015 by Lateralus84 Link to post Share on other sites
MJAlex Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 If you would like it to be a serious relationship, I'd have a chat with her and ask whether or not she wants a commitment. It may be difficult to bring up, as you may not want to hear the answer, though it's better than getting strung along for some time. It seems like she's willing to give this relationship a try, and that means something. If she just wanted to sleep around, she wouldn't be in the current relationship. Here's the other thing. It's clear that you don't trust her. Trust is a major aspect of a relationship that must be present for it to work in the long term. If you can't see trusting her in the future, it will be hurtful for both you and her to stay together. Communicate with her, connect on a deeper level, and see if that trust will develop. If not, it may be time to bid her good-bye. I hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 If you love how good a woman is at sex, you can't judge her for her past. It obviously took experience to get good at it. Non-Sequitur. You could be "good" at sex naturally. In fact most people probably just "are good at sex", meaning they're compatible with certain partners. Some people need kink to get off and when you're with a complete slnt who has great BJ and anal experience but hates kink, what are you going to do? Sex will suck in comparison to sex with someone who's on the same kink. This argument bears no relevance on this thread. Quality of sex is too complex a concept to measure it in # partners or years active. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 OP, I really just see two options: Enjoy the ride with all her hotness and the respect that it'll earn you with certain people, but at the same time don't put any more eggs in that basket, keep it light, ensure that you don't invest into this RS more than her.Or, when you decide that you're actually looking for something stable, realistic, serious and long term, break up with her. No drama, no self pity ("Hope you find someone better"). Just move on to be in a more happy, relaxed RS while appreciating the experience gain. Live and let live, you're not to reform her, but that doesn't mean you have to become a wreck of a man with no self respect. Also consider that a really bad outcome of this RS could curb your enthusiasm / natural trust in future relationships. If she turns out to be a manipulator or worse, a cheater, while you develop strong feelings, she will seriously damage your prospects after a break up. Your healing time will increase considerably. Link to post Share on other sites
Confusedcarl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 This girl you're seeing sounds a lot like one I became involved with at one time. I am about the same age as the girl you're seeing and I don't even find that type of behavior appealing so I don't think age can be an excuse. Constant drinking and partying almost never leads to morally correct or valued decisions. IMO it show lack of commitment that one has to a relationship. Insecurity might not effect you at first, but it will slowly creep into your relationship and plague you with wonder. Then it will crumble at the very foundation. You should communicate whole heartedly and with complete honesty. Express your concerns and if her retort is anything less than what you desire than you have to be prepared to put yourself first and carry on. That way you're available for what actually suits your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Yesterday she went out with her friends until the pubs were closed. No problem: I go out with my friends every now and then too. But the next day (today) she went for a beer again at 1 o clock noon and 8 hours later she is still there. This stuff bothers me, because I'm really getting beyond this whole sitting/chatting/partying/drinking stuff, sitting at home at the moment working on some serious stuff. On the one hand I would like to keep things light and enjoy her company while it lasts, on the other hand I'm starting to see it as a burden. The thing is: I'm in love with her and breaking up would definitely result in major heartbreak and me avoiding the scene completely (cannot think about her making out with someone else, brrrrr). Love sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Sorry but you are one desperate fool. Get some self worth, you know you can do better than this....you just haven't realized it yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lateralus84 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Yeah, I feel low making this thread longer that it probably should be. Thanks anyways for your feedback Link to post Share on other sites
bu2002 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 No matter how sweet she is, I just keep having this bad feeling in my gut. Nothing more needs to be said. Listen to your gut. Action speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
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