Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 On the other side I'm still disappointed that he's not into rings and that he's not as super excited about getting married as I would like him too. But that's a thing I cannot change I guess... You do understand you're marrying someone who doesn't believe in marriage in general and a marriage to you in particular ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Siabe, if marrying this man is what you really want, LOCK IT DOWN GIRL! Get eloped and have a small ceremony and reception with the family a little later. Your bf wasn't gung ho about marriage from the beginning. I can only imagine how turned off he may get during the planning stages of the wedding. Something to consider.... Edited February 17, 2015 by seekingpeaceinlove Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Some men don't care about the wedding. My husband didn't care much about the planning. I set it all up, asked if this was OK with him & moved forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Some men don't care about the wedding. My husband didn't care much about the planning. I set it all up, asked if this was OK with him & moved forward. And that didn't bother you at all? My guy has also told me he's okay with the things I suggest and he knows it's important to him. I also told him I want an engagement ring (additional to the wedding rings) and he really didn't get why I need that. I don't even know how to explain why I 'need' (I'd rather say want) that.. I just know I do, I always did. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Siabe, it sounds like you have a confusing mix of unconventional vs. conventional ideas about weddings/marriage, and I wouldn't be surprised if your BF has a tough time keeping track. On the one hand, you don't seem like the traditional romantic type. You don't see the point of a big wedding with guests, you're cool with eloping, and you'd already been living/making house-buying plans with your BF before officially embarking on the marriage path. On the other hand, you need your rings (two of them, I guess?), you quietly want for this to be moving at a quicker pace than it is, and you seem to want more sentiment and romance involved in the process. My guess is that your BF has taken you for the more nontraditional type, and that it's one of the reasons why he's comfortable with you -- since he clearly is not a sentimental romantic himself. His view of marriage is obviously practical, not sentimental. You've seen that you have to be pretty explicit with him in pointing out the things that are important to you with this engagement. I think you should assume this will have to continue. He's not going to be able to read your mind, and he needs guidance from you. I think you two will work it out just fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siabe Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Siabe, it sounds like you have a confusing mix of unconventional vs. conventional ideas about weddings/marriage, and I wouldn't be surprised if your BF has a tough time keeping track. On the one hand, you don't seem like the traditional romantic type. You don't see the point of a big wedding with guests, you're cool with eloping, and you'd already been living/making house-buying plans with your BF before officially embarking on the marriage path. On the other hand, you need your rings (two of them, I guess?), you quietly want for this to be moving at a quicker pace than it is, and you seem to want more sentiment and romance involved in the process. My guess is that your BF has taken you for the more nontraditional type, and that it's one of the reasons why he's comfortable with you -- since he clearly is not a sentimental romantic himself. His view of marriage is obviously practical, not sentimental. You've seen that you have to be pretty explicit with him in pointing out the things that are important to you with this engagement. I think you should assume this will have to continue. He's not going to be able to read your mind, and he needs guidance from you. I think you two will work it out just fine. You're right, I'm a mix of both. I don't need (or even want) a big wedding because I want it to be a day that's about us, not about entertaining guests (and I find the idea of just the two of us more romantic anyway). I also wanted to live together before getting married because I think it's a terrible idea to marry someone you haven't even lived with yet. I know that some would disagree. Having a dress and rings are important to me. It's rather an emotional thing than a rational. I always pictured my wedding in a white dress and with rings, therefor I would feel that something is missing if I didn't have rings. I do get his point that rings are expensive and a waste of money- I also rather travel the world for a month or two than spending it all on a ring. I don't need a diamond. But a ring has symbolic value for me and I want one I like, even if it's a cheap one. I hope he will be okay with all of that, somehow I really have problems to 'just tell him what I want and we'll do it' even though that is basically what he's telling me. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I hope he will be okay with all of that, somehow I really have problems to 'just tell him what I want and we'll do it' even though that is basically what he's telling me. Well, I think it's more about guiding him through your mindset. There are a couple of sentimental details that are important to you, even if you can acknowledge they're only symbolic and can understand your boyfriend's (very practical) viewpoint on them. From everything you've written, there's no risk of you becoming a bridezilla here. You sound pretty low-key, and your "list of demands" is tiny and reasonable. Don't feel guilty about expressing them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 And that didn't bother you at all? Not in the slightest. The difference is DH wanted to get married. He proposed as a surprise. He wanted to be married. He just didn't care about the mechanics of how that got accomplished. He wanted his family there. He also wanted to wear a kilt beyond that they were just details Here your BF doesn't believe in marriage (which is a crock btw). However, he knows it's important to you & is therefore willing to do it. Unfortunately you aren't going to have a partner in planning. You are going to have to set everything up & basically give him veto power which I expect he won't care enough to use unless there are huge budget issues or you want to do something out there, like get married in a hot air balloon knowing he's afraid of heights for example. If you want him to be excited about this, you got the wrong guy. So the Q becomes what do you want more, him? to be married? or to have him be all gun-ho? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Not in the slightest. The difference is DH wanted to get married. He proposed as a surprise. He wanted to be married. He just didn't care about the mechanics of how that got accomplished. He wanted his family there. He also wanted to wear a kilt beyond that they were just details Here your BF doesn't believe in marriage (which is a crock btw). However, he knows it's important to you & is therefore willing to do it. Unfortunately you aren't going to have a partner in planning. You are going to have to set everything up & basically give him veto power which I expect he won't care enough to use unless there are huge budget issues or you want to do something out there, like get married in a hot air balloon knowing he's afraid of heights for example. If you want him to be excited about this, you got the wrong guy. So the Q becomes what do you want more, him? to be married? or to have him be all gun-ho? Yeah. I agree with this. I pretty much planned our whole wedding . I would show him things like the wedding cars, ideas that I had, but he wasn't fussed about the details like colour schemes, wedding favours etc. I knew what I was doing so I was quite happy plan it all. Having said this, he was happy to be getting married and he was excited. He just wasn't into detail like I am. I wanted the 'perfect ' wedding and worked in the hospitality industry so I was well tuned in. He knows I'm good at planning events and even now leaves planning to me and I let him know the cost. Works great for us. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Not remembering the whole story here, isn't he the guy who got really mad whenever you brought up getting married? I don't know, I think he's just appeasing you again and figures that getting angry won't work every time. He sounds very volatile and moody to me. Has not living with him taught you that? Or has it only served to make you feel like you should stay? Just asking because you seem to have to tiptoe around his moods a lot, never really sure how he's going to react. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 siabe, something bugs me about this scenario: It's not the fact that your boyfriend doesn't want marriage. I get that there are people who want commitment & a life together but are totally opposed to the ceremony. The problem, for me, is that your boyfriend apparently claimed that he was open to something that he knew you wanted really bad, opened up a discussion that you wanted to have, then shut it down unilaterally. And now he wants you to shut up and not bring the discussion up because he doesn't want to talk about it. In other words, as somebody else pointed out, you can only have this discussion on his terms. That's not how relationships are supposed to work. Then there's the bigger picture: you absolutely want to get married, he absolutely doesn't. There's really no halfway meeting point there. Either he gives in and gets married, or you give in and accept commitment without marriage. If neither of you is willing to change your mind, then sooner or later, you have to part ways. So it's occurred to me that maybe your boyfriend is being non-communicative because he's realized that neither of you is willing to budge, and he's trying to postpone the inevitable breakup by not having the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Having a dress and rings are important to me. It's rather an emotional thing than a rational. I always pictured my wedding in a white dress and with rings, therefor I would feel that something is missing if I didn't have rings. I do get his point that rings are expensive and a waste of money- I also rather travel the world for a month or two than spending it all on a ring. I don't need a diamond. But a ring has symbolic value for me and I want one I like, even if it's a cheap one. Hmm, so you are marrying for emotional reasons? You would like the ceremony and the event as a symbol of your love together? Tell him that you don't need a legal marriage, and that it is only important to marry in ceremony. If you tell him that he might go for it, I know I would:D As soon as a woman wants to make it LEGAL with me, with laws of the state being enforced: Absolutely not, no no, never...I don't care if you are my soulmate and I have not seen you for a thousand years. I will not marry legally. The number of men who think like me are increasing btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I think men are generally socialized to believe that they don't have much to say about their own wedding. It's considered the purview of women, and they expect to just go along. ie. you have had a picture for a while of what you'd wear on your wedding day; he says he's never really thought about it. Pretty normal I think. It's no wonder you have more opinions on it than he does. I think that would go for the majority of men; they dare not have opinions about weddings, lest it conflict with those of women. :-) He clearly wants you to take the lead, so do it. Tell him what's important to you. Ask what's important to him. Maybe it's the car you arrive in, or how big it is. There will be something. Engage him in things he's naturally interested in, ie. perhaps he wants to organize the honeymoon trip? Or get involved in the food? or organize the music and venue? Meet him where he is, rather than expect him to be where you want him to be. You're learning a valuable lesson about marriage already. Compromise. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 A wedding ring is mandatory in a marriage any man who wouldn't wear one would make me think he didn't want to broadcast the fact hes indeed married a wristband? common op you know somethings not right it sounds like he likes the idea of marriage but doesn't want to totally commit for some reason.. Link to post Share on other sites
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