He proposed- And now doesn't talk about it anymore

[ArtsAndCrafts]

Maybe he's planning something special for valentines day, give it till next week.

 

No, please don't suggest this. All she'll do is jack up her expectations and be even more disappointedon Feb 15th. Her expectations are exactly the problem.

[Mr.D.E.B.T.]

He seems like he is the type of guy that doesn't like to make big deals about things unless he is sure it's going to happen, but who really knows. What you should pay attention to is his overall behavior. If you are not comfortable with him moving at his own pace despite your feelings, you may want to re-evaluate staying with him for the long run. I'm not saying he is wrong for being this way. What really matters is how you feel about him. Are you okay with him being this way throughout your marriage? Is his behavior just a minor nuisance or is it serious to you? No need to answer these questions publicly, just some food for thought.

[Poppygoodwill]

So now in addition to th conversation about the wedding, you've got to have a conversation about why you can't talk about the wedding :-)

 

You repeat that he has stopped talking about it for this many days and that many days, and reacted badly to your inquiry. But you haven't told us: what do you assume based on these facts?

 

What is it you think this means?

 

As much as we're trying to figure out what he's thinking, we should also figure out what you're thinking....and assuming...

[mrs rubble]

I was in a similar situation in my 20's, had been with my bf 3years, and we had a son together too, I wanted marriage. He didn't.

In the end I gave him an ultimatum, I remember to this day him saying "Really?? So I can tell everyone that we've split up because I won't marry you??" YES!! I told him, I've never regretted giving him that ultimatum. I'm glad I split with him, he's the most self centered person I have ever met.

I've been married (and divorced) since then and I've had 3 other marriage proposals too.

Hold out for a man who really loves you and wants to make you happy, I think this guy (your man) is more concerned about himself and money TBH.

[BlueIris]

Hello,

 

I’ve been with my boyfriend (30,I’m turning 27 in three days) for 2.5 years, we’re also living together and recently decided to buy a house together.

 

Wait. Stop there. DO NOT buy a house together. Why unmarried people do this these days I will never understand.

 

As to all of the rest, you two have communication issues. He needs to talk to you about things that are important to you and not be losing his temper.

 

But DO NOT buy a house together unless and until the two of you have been married and living together successfully for at least a year.

Edited February 11, 2015 by BlueIris

[siabe]

BlueIris, we haven't bought the house yet. I wouldn't buy a house if I wasn't married. We've just been talking about it and he seems really excited and serious about it (unlike the marriage stuff). But we've already been living together for more than a year, so we have that kind of experience.

 

Well, we just came back from my birthday trip (3 days at an amazing beach place) and no proposal, no marriage talk. Well, I didn't expect a proposal, but I was hoping he would bring up getting married again. He didn't, not even once. I also didn't. Needless to say I'm quite disappointed. Now we're back home and he has to work all day. So tomorrow I will bring it up a last time- If he gets angry again or says 'I dunno' or whatever, I guess I have my answer.

[sandylee1]

BlueIris, we haven't bought the house yet. I wouldn't buy a house if I wasn't married. We've just been talking about it and he seems really excited and serious about it (unlike the marriage stuff). But we've already been living together for more than a year, so we have that kind of experience.

 

Well, we just came back from my birthday trip (3 days at an amazing beach place) and no proposal, no marriage talk. Well, I didn't expect a proposal, but I was hoping he would bring up getting married again. He didn't, not even once. I also didn't. Needless to say I'm quite disappointed. Now we're back home and he has to work all day. So tomorrow I will bring it up a last time- If he gets angry again or says 'I dunno' or whatever, I guess I have my answer.

 

 

I personally would not bring it up again, but I agree don't buy a house with him.

 

At a certain time when I wanted to get married, if a guy seemed unwilling or non committal, I just ended it. I wasn't prepared for any time wasting.

 

When I was dating my H he wanted us to buy a house, see how things went etc. I just said if you're not sure, we should take a break and see how things go. He didn't like that idea at all. I was very prepared to leave the relationship right there.

Edited February 14, 2015 by sandylee1
clarity

[siabe]

But what's gonna happen if I don't bring it up again? I will feel bad, think about it constantly and secretly resent him for not talking to me about it. I don't think that's a good solution. Plus, I want to be able to talk about everything with him, even though at the moment I don't know if I can. But that's what I have to find out too. Isn't it better if I find out now than keeping quiet for an indefinite amount of time until I either explode or finally realize that he doesn't care about my feelings? I think that would be a waste of time.

[bathtub-row]

But what's gonna happen if I don't bring it up again? I will feel bad, think about it constantly and secretly resent him for not talking to me about it. I don't think that's a good solution. Plus, I want to be able to talk about everything with him, even though at the moment I don't know if I can. But that's what I have to find out too. Isn't it better if I find out now than keeping quiet for an indefinite amount of time until I either explode or finally realize that he doesn't care about my feelings? I think that would be a waste of time.

 

I think the suggestion was that you don't bring it up again and basically leave him if this issue continues, not to stay quiet about it indefinitely. I can tell you from experience that this guy is very self-centered and puts himself before you. This is not a good sign. And that's the way it will always be. I'm guessing that even the place he took you for your birthday was more a place that he wanted to go to than somewhere that you really wanted to go to.

 

You need to be very careful here. This relationship has serious problems and you're staying in it when you know you shouldn't. This is exactly why divorces happen -- people not willing to walk away when they have red flags flying all over the place while they're dating. You put yourself in a bad position by moving in with him and now you're stuck with having to find a place to live in order to end this relationship. That's not impossible to overcome, of course, but it creates a problem that could've been avoided.

 

This guy dangled marriage in front of you, did it in a very off-handed manner, and then shut you down when it became serious talk, and talk about what you wanted -- which, btw, was nothing that was beyond normal expectations. The real reason he doesn't want a ring is because he doesn't want to be identified as being married. You need to ask yourself how much longer you're willing to put up with this, and if you'd prefer to walk now, or wait until you've wasted more years of your life and end up in divorce court.

Edited February 14, 2015 by bathtub-row

[siabe]

I think the suggestion was that you don't bring it up again and basically leave him if this issue continues, not to stay quiet about it indefinitely. I can tell you from experience that this guy is very self-centered and puts himself before you. This is not a good sign. And that's the way it will always be. I'm guessing that even the place he took you for your birthday was more a place that he wanted to go to than somewhere that you really wanted to go to.

 

You need to be very careful here. This relationship has serious problems and you're staying in it when you know you shouldn't. This is exactly why divorces happen -- people not willing to walk away when they have red flags flying all over the place while they're dating. You put yourself in a bad position by moving in with him and now you're stuck with having to find a place to live in order to end this relationship. That's not impossible to overcome, of course, but it creates a problem that could've been avoided.

 

This guy dangled marriage in front of you, did it in a very off-handed manner, and then shut you down when it became serious talk, and talk about what you wanted -- which, btw, was nothing that was beyond normal expectations. The real reason he doesn't want a ring is because he doesn't want to be identified as being married. You need to ask yourself how much longer you're willing to put up with this, and if you'd prefer to walk now, or wait until you've wasted more years of your life and end up in divorce court.

 

 

No, it was a place I really wanted to go too. I mean I didn't know about that place actually, he suggested it on the day of my birthday. I loved it because that's the kind of vacation I like (beach, nature, active stuff like surfing). BUT that's also the kind of vacation he likes, so of course I cannot say that he only chose it for me.

 

With some things he isn't self-centred at all. For example, he has a motorbike and when he rides it with me he always gives me all of his protection stuff instead of wearing it himself. He also always offers me his food and doesn't mind paying for lunch or so. But I guess those are all things without much meaning, rather small things he would do for anyone.

 

You're right about many things you say. Sometimes I also think 'Maybe he doesn't want to be identified as being married'. On the other hand, all of his friends and family know about me and I wouldn't say that he's the type who's looking for other girls. He has never done anything that made me doubt his faithfulness and he also isn't the type of guy who likes going out alone or going to bars and clubs.

 

About the 'red flags all over the place' I dunno. It's actually just that, the marriage thing, which is indeed a huge red flag. Except of the getting married thing we never have problems, barely fight and live a very nice and harmonic life together (btw, I don't believe in not moving in together before marriage. IMO you need to live with someone first to see if they're marriage material).

 

Keeping quiet for a bit more and then just break up is very difficult for me. I'm a person who always wants to talk about things. And wouldn't it be too soon to just break up after 2.5 years of relationship because he hasn't officially proposed to me yet? On the other hand, he's 30 and wants to buy a house with me, so I should be good enough to marry too.

[d0nnivain]

You see the good qualities in him. We have never met him. You found value in this relationship for a long time & see the potential for marriage. Those are good things & can I understand why you want to preserve them.

 

 

Right now you are upset & frustrated. Also understandable since he's doing this half assed start thing, then stopping & not communicating.

 

 

Today is Valentine's Day. While I doubt he's going to get down on one knee & give you everything you want later today, being an optimist, I'll hold out the teensiest bit up hope for you. I will caution against raising the subject today or while you are in such an emotional state.

 

 

Take this week. Calm down. Use your logic. Marshall you arguments & then gently broach the subject with him next week. Start with I love you but I feel like we're in limbo. Can we please talk about the future & marriage in concrete terms so I know where you are on all of this & we can make decisions to go forward?

[siabe]

I don't expect anything for Valentine's day because he doesn't care about V-day at all. He thinks it's a stupid invention of American flower deliveries and hasn't done anything for the last three V-days together, so I don't expect anything today either. I'm fine with that because I don't really care about V-day either. If we were going to do something fine, if not, also fine. I don't need a special day to show my love with gifts.

 

I've been thinking about talking to him for more than a week now, I think I know what to say. The resentment might just get bigger if I keep waiting, I want to get this out. I'll try today if I feel it's the right moment.

[sandylee1]

I think the suggestion was that you don't bring it up again and basically leave him if this issue continues, not to stay quiet about it indefinitely.

 

.

 

This is exactly what I meant Bathtub . Not to just leave it, but to end the relationship if marriage is not what he wants. That also means, marriage soon, not in 5 years time.

 

You've made what you want clear. He had an opportunity to mention his proposal to friends. My personal worry would be if I kept bringing it up and we eventually got married.

Months or years down the line, he could throw it in my face and say 'I never wanted to get married, but you wouldn't let it go'. I'd hate to think that was true if such a thing was said. Maybe he's the committed kind and not the marrying kind.

 

A man should marry you because HE REALLY wants to. Every woman who wants marriage would want this to be the case.

[bathtub-row]

I don't expect anything for Valentine's day because he doesn't care about V-day at all.

 

I rest my case. It's all about what he likes and doesn't like.

 

I think you do care about Valentine's but you're too busy dumbing yourself down to be with this guy. And I'm also guessing that the reason the two of you don't argue is because you're constantly accommodating him in order to keep the peace. And that's ok as long as its not one-sided. Look, you know the situation better than we do but most of us here know the signs and the signs here are pointing toward a self-centered guy who shuts you down when you try to talk about important issues. If I'm wrong about that, then so be it. But I think you need to do some serious soul searching about this relationship because from where I'm standing, I'm not even remotely impressed with him -- for whatever that's worth.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Agree with this poster.

 

One of my closest friends has been with her bf, a highschool sweetheart, for over a decade. She's 35 and wants to be married to him and start a family. He does not. He tells me her that he wants to be with her forever but that he doesn't believe in marriage, thinks it's a piece of paper, yada yada yada.

 

Over the years, I've seen her sacrifice so much of herself for him and though he is fairly a good boyfriend, I have never seen him put her needs and wants over his besides small day to day gestures.

 

He also thinks Valentine's is a stupid holiday and she has let down her expectations and no longer cares for the day as well though deep down it still makes her feel sad and unappreciated. He never makes her feel like a special and desired woman. There is no romance.

 

It honestly breaks my heart to see. She has done so much for him, sacrificed and he has never put aside his feelings to satisfy hers.

 

She is so in love with him and will never leave him despite the fact that she may have to give up her dream of being married and having a child.

 

So many tears, heartache, frustrations and disappointment yet she doesn't have the heart to leave.

 

What is your limit, OP?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I rest my case. It's all about what he likes and doesn't like.

 

I think you do care about Valentine's but you're too busy dumbing yourself down to be with this guy. And I'm also guessing that the reason the two of you don't argue is because you're constantly accommodating him in order to keep the peace. And that's ok as long as its not one-sided. Look, you know the situation better than we do but most of us here know the signs and the signs here are pointing toward a self-centered guy who shuts you down when you try to talk about important issues. If I'm wrong about that, then so be it. But I think you need to do some serious soul searching about this relationship because from where I'm standing, I'm not even remotely impressed with him -- for whatever that's worth.

[sandylee1]

I don't expect anything for Valentine's day because he doesn't care about V-day at all. He thinks it's a stupid invention of American flower deliveries and hasn't done anything for the last three V-days together, so I don't expect anything today either. I'm fine with that because I don't really care about V-day either. If we were going to do something fine, if not, also fine. I don't need a special day to show my love with gifts.

 

I've been thinking about talking to him for more than a week now, I think I know what to say. The resentment might just get bigger if I keep waiting, I want to get this out. I'll try today if I feel it's the right moment.

 

 

Don't settle for less than you want. If he's romantic at other times of the year then I'd let it go but if he is someone who tends not to show his affection and that is something that you would like, then you need to think about it seriously.

 

I often see marriages collapsing because the woman (or the man) says the other party is not romantic or something along those lines. When in actual fact they were like this all along. Sometimes it's the little things that keep us happy.

 

I just sense that you've lowered your expectations so much with this guy. Let us know if you manage to speak to him.

[siabe]

I rest my case. It's all about what he likes and doesn't like.

 

I think you do care about Valentine's but you're too busy dumbing yourself down to be with this guy. And I'm also guessing that the reason the two of you don't argue is because you're constantly accommodating him in order to keep the peace. And that's ok as long as its not one-sided. Look, you know the situation better than we do but most of us here know the signs and the signs here are pointing toward a self-centered guy who shuts you down when you try to talk about important issues. If I'm wrong about that, then so be it. But I think you need to do some serious soul searching about this relationship because from where I'm standing, I'm not even remotely impressed with him -- for whatever that's worth.

 

 

Sorry but I'm not into Valentine's day. I've been honest this whole thread about what's important to me, but V-day just isn't. Why would I lie on a forum where I'm seeking advice? I honestly do not care about V-day if me SO is showing me the rest of the year that he loves me. BUT I stay with my point that it bothers me like hell that he's not bringing up again getting married and that he shut me down before.

[siabe]

Don't settle for less than you want. If he's romantic at other times of the year then I'd let it go but if he is someone who tends not to show his affection and that is something that you would like, then you need to think about it seriously.

 

I often see marriages collapsing because the woman (or the man) says the other party is not romantic or something along those lines. When in actual fact they were like this all along. Sometimes it's the little things that keep us happy.

 

I just sense that you've lowered your expectations so much with this guy. Let us know if you manage to speak to him.

 

 

I wouldn't say he's very romantic, but he shows me his affection a lot by hugging, kissing and wanting to spend a lot of time with me. He also surprises me sometimes with little things.

 

But yea, the marriage thing is still the elephant in the room. He's still at work so I hope I can talk to him tonight.

[siabe]

Agree with this poster.

 

One of my closest friends has been with her bf, a highschool sweetheart, for over a decade. She's 35 and wants to be married to him and start a family. He does not. He tells me her that he wants to be with her forever but that he doesn't believe in marriage, thinks it's a piece of paper, yada yada yada.

 

Over the years, I've seen her sacrifice so much of herself for him and though he is fairly a good boyfriend, I have never seen him put her needs and wants over his besides small day to day gestures.

 

He also thinks Valentine's is a stupid holiday and she has let down her expectations and no longer cares for the day as well though deep down it still makes her feel sad and unappreciated. He never makes her feel like a special and desired woman. There is no romance.

 

It honestly breaks my heart to see. She has done so much for him, sacrificed and he has never put aside his feelings to satisfy hers.

 

She is so in love with him and will never leave him despite the fact that she may have to give up her dream of being married and having a child.

 

So many tears, heartache, frustrations and disappointment yet she doesn't have the heart to leave.

 

What is your limit, OP?

 

 

The story of your friend sounds terrible. I know I would never go that far. I would never give up my dream of having children and I do know he wants kids, too. The problem is the marriage issue. If he can tell me that he doesn't want to get married and that it doesn't matter enough that I do wanna get married, it's time for me to leave.

[siabe]

UPDATE

 

It is just crazy- I still haven't managed to talk to him. I planned on talking to him on Saturday, but then I suddenly got sick and started throwing up all day and night. I felt absolutely terrible. No idea if it was food poisoning or a bad flue. Since today I felt really bad.

 

So today I wanted to talk to him when he gets home- I let him eat and relax a bit and bring it up later, since he said he's not gonna sleep til midnight or so anyway. He was in a pretty good mood. Then, suddenly, from a moment to another, his mood seemed really changed. He didn't smile, barely talked to me, seemed pretty pissed about something. I asked him twice if he was okay and if he wants to talk about something. Both times he said no, he's perfectly fine, but said that in that cold not very interested voice that was telling me that clearly something was wrong. I just don't get what. He seriously changed his mood in five minutes, from cuddly-lovey-dovey to pretty much ignoring me. Since ha hasn't told me what's going on and keeps saying he's fine, I just stopped asking. I'm in bed now while he's in the other room organizing boxes and his bicycle, saying he just has to organize some stuff before going to bed (which he could clearly do on another day too. And since I have nothing to do anyway he could just ask me to join him, but he hasn't. I went to the room once and he barely talked.)

 

 

 

It seems jinxed Don't know what's going on. I hate that he's shutting me out. Or maybe that's just the way he is sometimes and there's really nothing wrong. I'm sure tomorrow morning he will be fine. But that's another day that has passed without talking to him. Now it's been two full weeks since I brought it up the last time.

[bathtub-row]

Again, it's all about him.

 

Even when you manage to have the conversation with him, you know it isn't going to go well. Look around you. How many people get engaged or talk about marriage, and then drop the subject or get stonewalled? Not many. He's avoiding and hoping you'll drop it.

[stillmind]

Bathtub is right. When people get engaged they talk about it and make plans, they don't drop it and never speak of it again. I think he brought up marriage in the first place to appease you and is now regretting it and hoping you'll forget about it.

[martaldn]

did you only start talking about marriage now, right?

I think you need to give him a bit of time to settle with the idea without put any more pressure on him. He said he wants to do the marriage... so let him get there on his own time..

i give you an example. my cousin and her BF are together for over 10 years and she wants to get married. he knows that because we joked about the marriage proposal ( that wasnt coming ) at lot of times... he never said he wanted to get married but he never said he didnt. however she never put any pressure on him because he was doing a lot of other things for her that were showing his commitment and his love for her.

however last month they went to Paris for holiday to celebrate his birthday and out of the blue he proposed!! she didnt expect that! but probably, even if he didnt talk about IT he was still thinking and planning the whole proposal.

now Im not saying that you have to wait 10 years but if you only started to consider the marriage few weeks ago i think you should wait...U said he loves you and he wants to spend his life with you so, will be this worth the wait? to me yes plus you never know he might come up with the ring when you never expect!

 

good luck OP!

[BlueIris]

The four indicators of break-up according to researcher John Gottman are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. (He calls it the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of Marriage. Google it.)

 

It sure sounds like he’s stonewalling you. It seems from your prior posts that he’s also been critical and defensive when certain topics come up.

 

You’re right that something is very wrong. I really would talk with him. Ask questions about how he’s feeling. If he’s not ready and eager to marry, you need to know that. If he shuts down when upset and shuts you out instead of turning to you, you need to know that too.

[siabe]

After he seemed weird and pissed yesterday and said everything was okay, he came to the bedroom 15 minutes after I posted it and seemed completely normal again. Maybe I was interpreting too much? I dunno.

 

 

And yes, I finally talked to him. I sat him down and told him we needed to talk about this and asked him if he still wants to get married because he never ever mentions it. He said that he still wants to get married, that he just didn't really think about it and that he thought I would come to him to tell him what I want for the wedding. I told him I don't want to force him into stuff he doesn't want. He said don't worry. I told him I want rings. He said he's fine with that. He said for him the concept of having rings is pretty unnecessary ('Why pay so much money for a piece of jewelry?'), but if I want them we can go buy them.

 

At first he didn't say much. But then we actually really started talking about it and he didn't get angry or anything. He even asked me things, like if I want a big wedding or just the two of us etc. We both agreed that we don't want a big wedding because we don't see the point in spending a ton of money with which we could travel the world for a month or two for buying booze for people for one single day. So right now we're thinking if we just want to elope (I find that kinda romantic, but I know my parents would be so pissed) or if we invite family (and some friends maybe). He even suggested a venue he has heard of that's supposed to be nice. Still haven't decided in what month we wanna do it though.

 

So yea, right now my feelings are a bit mixed. I'm happy that he reacted differently than I expected and that I could actually have a nice conversation with him about it and he really seemed to be interested in planning the wedding. On the other side I'm still disappointed that he's not into rings and that he's not as super excited about getting married as I would like him too. But that's a thing I cannot change I guess...