Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 I don't know about that- that she wants him. He's annoyed her since month 1. It seems to me that her gut says "no" but he seems on paper like he ought to be a good catch, so she's been trying to talk herself into it, or puzzling and confused as head and gut battle. He's not a strong solid guy. The guy's 56, never been married, aloof and noncommittal, still looking online, has casual sex without wanting commitment from either of them, and her friends and family don't like him. I don't think she really wants him. It's just annoying her. This is also true but since month one, I've grown to know his habits and custkms and they are not as annoying anymore. He's older and set in his ways, and sometimes I find his fussiness endearing now.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Yes, Pumpkin is playing it very cool too and therefore the relationship is doomed, IMO. He is moseying along quite happily it seems with his once a week date and sex, and she just complies. Somehow they got into this rut, and unless one of them shows a bit of gumption and stirs the relationship up a bit, then once a week date and sex it is forever. Perhaps he would be a different man without the surgery and chronic pain hanging over him though, but perhaps not. There is just no fire here, no real passion and no sense of urgency, no momentum, it just sounds a stale, old and boring relationship to tell the truth, not a relationship that is only 3 months old. Truthfully I've had other relationships there are loads of passion and Fire. With him, he's slow and steady and yeah kinda boring. But not necessarily a bad thing. I don't know of that comes from a different generation or lack of enthusiasm for me. Or maybe women have used him for his money previously and now he's just much more cautious at 56.
Divasu Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Perhaps he would be a different man without the surgery and chronic pain hanging over him though, but perhaps not. In all fairness, he could not have been in that much pain physically if he and OP had sex (which from the sounds of it, they did). So, I think it would be safe to say that when sex was on the table, his physical health wasn't such a priority. 4
BlueIris Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) This is also true but since month one, I've grown to know his habits and custkms and they are not as annoying anymore. He's older and set in his ways, and sometimes I find his fussiness endearing now. I think you’re being too accommodating and think men my age are more old school, charming, sensitive or chivalrous than they necessarily are. Some are. But they/we came of age in the 80’s and I’m seeing stuck-in-the-80’s guy here. The 80’s wasn’t pretty. I know- cold and harsh of me. Like the 80's. But it's your call. I just don't think he's a sweet warm guy or a commitment guy who's been hurt. Edited February 6, 2015 by BlueIris 3
GemmaUK Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 My question still stands. What is it that you actually want LP? What do you want him to do? Why do you resist being yourself? He doesn't know you because you are not being you. What do you expect? I'm not being offensive..just curious because this scenario baffles me. 2
RedRobin Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Nine pages here... and a lifetime of working around all men... a lot of them like this guy... I guarantee he isn't thinking about you when you aren't together. I guarantee he feels no guilt about sucking you dry emotionally as long as you will let him. Your continued presence is all the green light he needs. A polite and expeditious exit is all that is required. Do it ASAP without tears or more conversation. For god sakes, no conversation. Just get your stuff and GTFO. That's what I did with my last BF. The one who was doing sex webcams while dating me. He tried to tempt me by telling me his kids weren't there... what a beautiful day it was.. blah blah. I just got there.. asked him to bring it down to the garage that I had the code key for. Left the car running, grabbed my stuff then got the hell outta there. He forgot to include the pair of shoes on his top shelf... had to go back upstairs for that.. hugged me, and thought about kissing me on the cheek, then decided against it. Yea. Deal is over f*ck face. Is what I thought. Girl, grow a spine and kick this soul sucker to the curb. My question to you though is... what is going on in your life that you feel the need to chase a guy nearly old enough to be your dad who claims to be in ill health (um, when its convenient...). I guess he doesn't have kids and work to blame for his inability to commit. It's always somethin' with those guys, lol. Why aren't you listening to the advice of those who care about you when it comes to this guy? Isn't that the point of introducing him to your friends/family? 2
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I am sure looking forward to Sunday's update. There is a lot of assumptions in this thread, from OP and from posters. I wonder how many relationships never got off the ground because of those assumptions. 3
fronk Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You need to tell him what you want from this relationship and stop playing games (I don't mean to be harsh). I was in a nowhere relationship for 3+ years because neither of us could tell the other what we wanted from the relationship for whatever reason and it ended up badly. He may tell you that he doesn't want anything more but you cannot assume that about him. Life is too short to regret never asking or taking that chance. I think everyone on this board should know that at this point. 4
RedRobin Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) I am sure looking forward to Sunday's update. There is a lot of assumptions in this thread, from OP and from posters. I wonder how many relationships never got off the ground because of those assumptions. Oh please. He's a grown ass man. Not some shy twenty something. A life time of never committing. If he's never hit bottom with his BS by now, he never will. No way in hell should the OP need to s-p-e-l-l it out for him. No way in hell could she hide her anxiety about this even if she tried. The guy is completely clueless or just doesn't give a shyte. Doesn't matter either way. Even if the big conversation did yield fruit... she'd have to mommy him through every other subsequent conversation. Edited February 7, 2015 by RedRobin 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 In all fairness, he could not have been in that much pain physically if he and OP had sex (which from the sounds of it, they did). So, I think it would be safe to say that when sex was on the table, his physical health wasn't such a priority. There are some, ahem, alterations that have to be made. Other than that, he's like a 17-year-old boy. Better, actually.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 I am sure looking forward to Sunday's update. There is a lot of assumptions in this thread, from OP and from posters. I wonder how many relationships never got off the ground because of those assumptions. We're seeing each other tomorrow, not Sunday. So you guys better help me come up with something pretty damned clever to say before then!! So far the advice has been all over the map, to disappearing vs. telling him I really care about him vs. cooking him a meal. I know the choice is up to me, and really, whatever I chose, I believe it won't change his feelings about anything. The results will be the same no matter what I do.
RedRobin Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I'll never understand women who need to accept crumbs instead of the real deal. All I can say, is that this doesn't seem to be about this guy. There are other reasons you are tolerating all this crap. Money, status, something you don't feel you can get any other way than put up with this. That I can understand... but to me that's just motivation to get that stuff on my own. Not piggy back off someone (even short term). Because this is what you end up with. Making tradeoffs that really don't meet your needs... and you compromising your self respect at the same time. "I know the choice is up to me, and really, whatever I chose, I believe it won't change his feelings about anything. The results will be the same no matter what I do." Damn right. My vote is to choose whatever helps you reclaim your self respect.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 I'll never understand women who need to accept crumbs instead of the real deal. All I can say, is that this doesn't seem to be about this guy. There are other reasons you are tolerating all this crap. Money, status, something you don't feel you can get any other way than put up with this. That I can understand... but to me that's just motivation to get that stuff on my own. Not piggy back off someone (even short term). Because this is what you end up with. Making tradeoffs that really don't meet your needs... and you compromising your self respect at the same time. I haven't done anything to compromise my self-respect. I haven't done one thing I didn't want to do. I like him. He's smart and safe and comfortable. I just don't know where this is headed with so much aloofness and surgeries and age difference, etc. 1
Divasu Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 There are some, ahem, alterations that have to be made. Other than that, he's like a 17-year-old boy. Better, actually. Who huh what#! A 17-year old boy What exactly is that supposed to be like?
Gaeta Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I'll never understand women who need to accept crumbs instead of the real deal. All I can say, is that this doesn't seem to be about this guy. There are other reasons you are tolerating all this crap. Money, status, something you don't feel you can get any other way than put up with this. That I can understand... but to me that's just motivation to get that stuff on my own. Not piggy back off someone (even short term). Because this is what you end up with. Making tradeoffs that really don't meet your needs... and you compromising your self respect at the same time. You are missing one important detail. Pumpkin has gone along with what he wanted since the beginning and never spoke up about what she'd like. Maybe this man is happy with things as they are and he's cruising along with it because OP never mentioned she'd like to take it to the next level. Maybe he'd be happy seeing her more often and make it officially exclusive with the profiles coming down. She is under the impression he does not want more MAYBE he is under the impression SHE does not want more. She is getting crumbs because she has shown him since beginning she's pretty happy with crumbs! 2
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 We're seeing each other tomorrow, not Sunday. So you guys better help me come up with something pretty damned clever to say before then!! So far the advice has been all over the map, to disappearing vs. telling him I really care about him vs. cooking him a meal. I know the choice is up to me, and really, whatever I chose, I believe it won't change his feelings about anything. The results will be the same no matter what I do. I thought you were seeing the other Dr for a date on Sunday. 1
fronk Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 We're seeing each other tomorrow, not Sunday. So you guys better help me come up with something pretty damned clever to say before then!! So far the advice has been all over the map, to disappearing vs. telling him I really care about him vs. cooking him a meal. I know the choice is up to me, and really, whatever I chose, I believe it won't change his feelings about anything. The results will be the same no matter what I do. You don't NEED anything clever. Just tell him the TRUTH and what you want from the relationship. If he doesn't want the same and you aren't OK with that then you walk. Simple as that. 4
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 Damn right. My vote is to choose whatever helps you reclaim your self respect. ????? This has nothing to do with self-respect or accepting breadcrumbs. Really, he's accepting breadcrumbs too! I haven't done anything beyond what he's done for me. And I have not done any begging or crying or coaxing. for 3.5 months, I've just been enjoying my time with him, getting to know him. (And I probably enjoy the sex more than he does cuz I'm not in pain.) 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 I thought you were seeing the other Dr for a date on Sunday. Yes...I am. I thought you meant this one. It's another doctor. It's soooo weird. He messaged me on the site awhile ago, and since then small messages back and forth. After seeing No. 1 browsing the sites, I said F that, I'm going to meet No. 2. It's just coffee.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 Who huh what#! A 17-year old boy What exactly is that supposed to be like? Always ready to go. I have never had sex with someone that old before. I was scared at first, but now it's great.
writergal Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Pumpkin - whatever you decide to do with Doctor #1 and Doctor #2, just stay true to who you are. As long as you do that, you'll be fine. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 She is getting crumbs because she has shown him since beginning she's pretty happy with crumbs! One woman's crumbs is another woman's lemon meringue pie. Honestly, why are these crumbs? Date once a week with an older intelligent handsome man, great sex, good food, beautiful house? Safe? Warm? He's kind. And if he ever became violent, he can't run. So I can outrun him. 1
Gaeta Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 One woman's crumbs is another woman's lemon meringue pie. Honestly, why are these crumbs? Date once a week with an older intelligent handsome man, great sex, good food, beautiful house? Safe? Warm? He's kind. And if he ever became violent, he can't run. So I can outrun him. I was not supporting the crumbs comment, I was responding to other poster by using same vocabulary as him. 1
Gaeta Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I was not supporting the crumbs comment, I was responding to other poster by using same vocabulary as him. I was mirroring him, ;-) 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 I was mirroring him, ;-) Be careful. You'll get stuck in a rut with nothing but breadcrumbs to nibble on. 2
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