writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 But I am active too. I refuse to disable it until I know where we stand. Is he active because he sees me active and still believes I'm dating others? Is he not wanting to commit because he doesn't want to burden me with his health issues? there are so many things running through my head, but the bottom line is he's making no effort to move this forward. As someone who is older, wiser, made life-threatening decisions regarding patients and running a company, you'd think he could make a decision about me. He's not. I think I've woken up. Ignore the thoughts of self-doubt, that question his motives or decisions. Pay attention to what you wrote, that I bolded. That's the truth. That comes from your own gut. Trust your gut. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I never liked the guy and suspected to be true, what you articulated in your post here much better than I could. It's spot on. Spot on. No one likes this guy. My ex-bf's mother can't stand him (she is a surrogate mom) My two best friends don't like him. My boss doesn't like him. My ex-bf doesn't like him. And now Writergal doesn't like him. They say he's shifty, older, and being slick with a younger inexperienced woman who's been in a long-term relationship for the majority of her life (me). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 If you look back at your other threads about your relationship with him, I think you will see that they are all basically saying the same thing - it seems that this relationship with you is exactly where it works, for him. I'm sorry!! If you try to ask for exclusivity or whatever he might even agree, but would you want it when he has never made any moves to advance your relationship himself, at all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 No one likes this guy. My ex-bf's mother can't stand him (she is a surrogate mom) My two best friends don't like him. My boss doesn't like him. My ex-bf doesn't like him. And now Writergal doesn't like him. They say he's shifty, older, and being slick with a younger inexperienced woman who's been in a long-term relationship for the majority of her life (me). Take those people out to dinner and send me the check! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Take those people out to dinner and send me the check! It should be I who is taking you out to dinner! (Is that proper grammar??) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It should be I who is taking you out to dinner! (Is that proper grammar??) Ha, ha! Um, nominatively-speaking I think your grammar is correct. I think...gosh I'm terrible! Back on topic...I hope this situation sorts itself for the best. (That was *terrible* grammar btw) Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Next time maybe no sex before monogamy *patti stanger ringing in my head* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I was going to suggest you at least have a conversation with him before you did anything, but then I read the thing about no one liking him. If that's the case, forget it. I dated a guy last year and no one told me at the time, but after the fact, my mom and my gay bff were practically ready to start a "we hate you ex-BF" club. No one liked him, and I had no idea! Everyone likes my current BF, and are happy to tell me so, all the time. Listen to what your friends and family tell you, they can often see things we can't. All that being said, your situation sounds like a term I once heard—the principle of least interest, whereby two people in a relationship refuse to be the first one to be vulnerable. You don't want to appear needy by saying what you want (exclusivity, I suppose?), and while you're expecting him to do all the work in that area, the relationship dies a slow death, because maybe he's waiting for you to come around and say something, too. No one says anything, and it's over. Generally, I'd say there's great power in stating what you want. Yes, in a perfect world, the guy would be the one to come after us and do all the emotional escalating. But sometimes guys don't realize that's what it is we want. Have you ever verbalized what you want of him? If you want to be exclusive with him, why not say it? Why not take your profile down and say, "you're the only one?" Hearing that from a person can change someone's mind. I don't know what you want from this particular relationship, I'm just speaking in generalities. I think cutting this one loose sounds totally legit. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I was going to suggest you at least have a conversation with him before you did anything, but then I read the thing about no one liking him. Listen to what your friends and family tell you, they can often see things we can't. I think they don't like him because they're hearing everything from my point of view and he is unlike anyone I've ever dated before...older and not very forthcoming. They never met him in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 All that being said, your situation sounds like a term I once heard—the principle of least interest, whereby two people in a relationship refuse to be the first one to be vulnerable. You don't want to appear needy by saying what you want (exclusivity, I suppose?), and while you're expecting him to do all the work in that area, the relationship dies a slow death, because maybe he's waiting for you to come around and say something, too. No one says anything, and it's over. Generally, I'd say there's great power in stating what you want. Yes, in a perfect world, the guy would be the one to come after us and do all the emotional escalating. But sometimes guys don't realize that's what it is we want. Have you ever verbalized what you want of him? If you want to be exclusive with him, why not say it? Why not take your profile down and say, "you're the only one?" Hearing that from a person can change someone's mind. This is a great piece of advice. He has very high self-esteem and almost too regal to talk about where this relationship is going, like it might be beneath him. And I have too much pride to state what I want...you're right. I don't want to appear needy. So nothing is ever discussed. Also my biggest fear is and probably the truth: He won't want to commit. And so I avoid the talk and just accept how things are. At this point, I don't know if I want to be exclusive with a man that needs coaxing. I will not decide for him. He is a leader and knows what he wants. You should see his house. Everything has a place and every piece of furniture is all well thought out. If I am someone he cares about, he would have made a place for me in his heart after 3.5 months. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 This is a great piece of advice. He has very high self-esteem and almost too regal to talk about where this relationship is going, like it might be beneath him. And I have too much pride to state what I want...you're right. I don't want to appear needy. So nothing is ever discussed. Also my biggest fear is and probably the truth: He won't want to commit. And so I avoid the talk and just accept how things are. At this point, I don't know if I want to be exclusive with a man that needs coaxing. I will not decide for him. He is a leader and knows what he wants. You should see his house. Everything has a place and every piece of furniture is all well thought out. If I am someone he cares about, he would have made a place for me in his heart after 3.5 months. Verbalizing what you are looking for in a romantic relationship and what are your expectation is not needy or coaxing - on the contrary it's being confident and assertive. It takes a lot of character to come up to someone you don't want to lose and say 'these are my expectation after 3.5 months what do you have to offer?' and if what he offers is not satisfactory you walk away. That is how everything in life is negotiated, your mortgage, the price of your new car amount other things and you will be considered smart for shopping till you find the right price, why would it be being needy when it comes to a romantic relationship? Not verbalizing your needs and expectations and still staying in an unsatisfactory relationship IS being needy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I said, "Why wouldn't you just ask me!?" He said, "Sweetheart, it's none of my business." I told him I like him a lot and I am only intimate with him, no one else. Even though I am dating others, I prefer to be only dating him. He said he enjoys my company too, but his priority is his health, he is in pain, and we will revisit this when he's rehabilitated (he has several surgeries lined up). He thanked me for being honest, and said as long as both of us are open and honest, there shouldn't be any problems. I am reading your answer right here. If a man told me it's none of his business if I see other men I would interpret it as it's also none of my business if he dates other women. Notice when you told him you were intimate only with him and you preferred only dating him he did not reciprocate? He said he enjoys your company but.......(the rest if bs reason). If I were you I would go back hunting for the right man. He gave you the go ahead to do so. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 But I am active too. I refuse to disable it until I know where we stand. Is he active because he sees me active and still believes I'm dating others? Is he not wanting to commit because he doesn't want to burden me with his health issues? there are so many things running through my head, but the bottom line is he's making no effort to move this forward. As someone who is older, wiser, made life-threatening decisions regarding patients and running a company, you'd think he could make a decision about me. He's not. I think I've woken up. It doesn't work comparing your behavior to his. Unless you plan to propose to him or be the aggressor in this relationship, you know that it's better to let him take the lead in terms of moving the relationship further. If he's not taking that step, then you have your answer. If a man is truly nuts about you, he will not do things to risk losing you. Most people know how they feel about someone within a month or two. Honestly, if he has never been committed to anyone before, he has a reason for that. Don't try to analyze him. You talk about being classy. Well, a classy girl knows when to walk away without a whole lot of discussion, with her head still held high. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 A man in pain still knows his own mind. He told you he is not worried about you sleeping with or dating other men. Any man who saw this relationship as more than just a FWB, would be distraught if you were seeing other men. Even men who are in FWB arrangements or who are players, tend not to like their women seeing other men at the same time. The fact he is not fussed says a lot actually, but he may be picking up that laissez-faire attitude from you. Almost a month has gone by since you last posted about this relationship, nothing appears to have changed. You still have not even had a proper exclusivity talk. You have to ask yourself what do you actually bring to this relationship? You seem to be entirely passive here. He asks you out, you are the perfect partner, you have sex and then you wait like some little puppy for his next command. You say he is highly organised, his house is immaculate, his life is in order. What do you actually bring to his party, apart from sex on tap? Why does he need YOU in his life? You need to get more assertive if you want a proper relationship with him. He may not want you in that way, but at least you tried. If you do not want him, then tell him, end it, and move on. As it is, you are just treading water, you are going nowhere fast. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 This guy is in his 50s and never learned to connect to women emotionally. What makes you think that he will be different with you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 This guy is in his 50s and never learned to connect to women emotionally. What makes you think that he will be different with you. OR never wanted to connect with women emotionally. OR was hurt in the past OR never met "the one" OR just doesn't want the hassle of relationships OR doesn't want to connect specifically with the OP OR a mixture of those and other reasons. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 At this point I would find it embarrassing to have the exclusivity talk. That's not what he wants from you....for whatever the reason. It doesn't matter. By now he should want only you and he doesn't. That's okay too. His loss and you are free to move forward and find a man that puts you first and has eyes for no other woman except you. Next time hold off on the sex until you know what he wants, especially when you know you may want a relationship down the line. Best wishes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 This guy knows exactly what to say and how to say it if he wanted this relationship to go further and he isn't saying it. He doesn't want more from this relationship than he's getting now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Wow ladies, thanks for all of your insight. Valuable stuff here. He texted last night asking to get together Saturday, and I said sure. When I see him, I am not going to ask for exclusivity or put an ultimatum on him (NOT CLASSY). I'm going to simply say that the longer I continue in this relationship, I'm losing focus of my ultimate goal, which is to build a partnership with someone I love. The past three months have been wonderful, but it's an unsustainable relationship for me. Then I will state what I want out of a relationship, whether it's with him or anyone else....(at which point I will paint a beautiful fantastic picture of all the things I want and what I am able to offer. I won't bore you with the details.) I will say, "If that sounds like something you want, then great. If not, let me know. We can decide together and be supportive of the path each of us decides to take. It's okay if you don't want anything more from me. I want you to be happy. It's your life, it's my life. Life is short..." Thoughts, ladies? Anything I need to add? Edited February 5, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Meh, it's too much. You're practically begging him to choose being with you. Especially if you're going to sit there and tell him all of the amazing things you will bring to a relationship. He knows these things already, he's had the benefits of a relationship with you for the past few months without the downsides of an actual commitment, and he still doesn't have any drive or desire to pin you down and make sure no other guy snaps you up first. If he wanted to be your partner, then he would have asked you out by now. I wouldn't waste nearly four months on casual dating before establishing exclusivity. Nor would I bring sex into the mix, unless I wasn't into the guy too much (paradoxically haha). You say that you're not going to put an ultimatum on him, but that's exactly what you are planning to do, if you sit and say you want to be with him, 'please consider me!', and make it clear that either he goes all in, becomes your boyfriend, or the arrangement ends. That's essentially an ultimatum, and while I admire that you're going to bring it to a head, I don't think you even need to go there. It's enough to just tell him 'I'm looking for someone to commit to exclusively, unfortunately I can tell we're not heading in that direction so I think it's best we back off a little so we're free to meet someone else'. If for whatever reason he's magically and quietly smitten with you and wants to be with you, he will make it clear of his own accord, don't worry about that. But I really don't think that's going to happen, and it's going to be really embarrassing to sit there and say what you have planned, only for him to give you the 'I'm in too much pain to commit' line. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I agree with acrosstheuniverse. You said earlier you do not want to coax him so don't. Listing to him the things you have to offer is exactly that: trying to coax him. He knows your value. He chose to not buy and continue shopping. You told him already you only want intimacy with him and only want to date him. No point repeating yourself. He declined your invitation to act the same with you. You are not in an exclusive relationship. Go back online get a new date for Saturday, then call him and tell him you can't make it Saturday cause you've got a date with a serious prospect. I BET YOU he will reply: Ok have a good date. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Meh, it's too much. You're practically begging him to choose being with you. Especially if you're going to sit there and tell him all of the amazing things you will bring to a relationship. He knows these things already, he's had the benefits of a relationship with you for the past few months without the downsides of an actual commitment, and he still doesn't have any drive or desire to pin you down and make sure no other guy snaps you up first. NO...No no no...this is all wrong. He has NO idea what I'm able to offer or what I want. It has never been discussed. The past few months have been nothing but movies, eating, banter, giggles and sex. I've pretty much mirrored his actions up to this point. He's online, I'm online. He makes me a salad, I'll cook him one dinner. He comes to my house, I'll go to his house. He texts once, he gets one response. Why this way? I am terrified of over-investing, so I stay within the boundaries of what he's shown me. Even when he was sick with flu, I didn't make him soup. I bought it from a store. No way will I waste an entire day cooking homemade soup over someone who has not committed to me. I am not his caretaker. He has NO idea what I can do. He's only seen snippets. This is why I want to take the opportunity to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 You are not in an exclusive relationship. Go back online get a new date for Saturday, then call him and tell him you can't make it Saturday cause you've got a date with a serious prospect. I BET YOU he will reply: Ok have a good date. I need to get my stuff out of his place first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Also I want to reiterate that the conversation about me dating other men where he was okay with it was only four weeks into the relationship. It seems like you all think this was a recent conversation. It's now 3.5 months and he has told me since then he is not sleeping with other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 He has NO idea what I can do. He's only seen snippets. This is why I want to take the opportunity to tell him. You don't tell these things you show them. That is why many of us told you to stop this silly game playing. Mirroring someone's actions is the stupidest game playing. Dating is about showing yourself with gestures. Monkey see Monkey do will get you nowhere. Do you understand that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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