Middle-age daters...What is he waiting for?

[michellew]

I haven't read other comments yet, but my initial thoughts are, "if his health is his priority right now, how does he find so much time for updating his profile, his photos, and potentially finding other dates?" I think the surgeries and his health are an excuse.

 

If you aren't ready to completely end it, maybe you should pull away slowly and become less available for you weekly dates.

[Gaeta]

In another of your thread I explained to you he's from another generation. He's from the generation of men don't cry and men don't talk about their feelings. Don't go all emotional on him, keep it simple and open a door.

 

Also, a trick I learn, don't ask him how he 'feels', ask him what 'he thinks'. It's much less threatening. Most men his age if you ask them how they feel they will go hide in a hole. They were not brought up to talk about feelings. They were brought up to be tough, do their job and provide.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Hi! You have really been all over the place in this thread, I think you ought to reread it and see, you went from wanting to convince him what a good girlfriend you'd be all the way to pulling the rug out from under him by disappearing!! I agree with rester, I think there are only 2 appropriate things to say to him, either or both: I care about you a lot, etc. as rester suggested, and #2: Tell him honestly that you are looking for a real relationship and partner so you have to let this go. I think it's interesting how you ALWAYS bring up his age in your thread titles, well it's another generation for sure but even old guys know how to make a woman see that he is really serious. Also REALLY don't keep underestimating his history, he has given you no reason to believe he is ready for ANYTHING and the way it's going with you is probably the way he has conducted his relationships with women all his life don't you think??

[bathtub-row]

Goddamn Bathtub, you're a genius at negotiating.

 

Do you play poker or something?

 

I believe this is the best response in this whole 7-page thread.

 

Lol! :laugh:

 

Thank you. That's a great compliment, Pumpkin. I actually do just that -- negotiate deals. But I also believe in keeping the door open and I know that human nature is not always what it seems. It's only when you're willing to walk away from the deal that you have any bargaining power. If you're too attached, the deal suddenly becomes lopsided and the other party knows they can "name their price", so to speak.

[beyondcrushed]

I would wait until after he is rehabilitated. Then tell him u care for him and would like an exclusive relationship. Then leave it at that. If he doesn't reciprocate through actions, then u get ur stuff and leave without a word.

[travelbug1996]

Wow..that brought tears to my eyes. I DO care about him, but it's so hard to express that when he's not letting me in.

 

Thanks, Rester.

 

 

Please don't do this. You will probably be even more hurt than you already are. You are a woman and should not have to say these things to a man that has already shown his limited interest (beyond once a week) in you.

 

Your heart is already over invested and you have to protect your heart. You owe this man nothing. Remember he's still cruising the net for other options. Drop him and move on. He will know why. Trust and believe that.

[travelbug1996]

You both have done a good job at guarding yourself and after 3.5 months you have nothing to show for because of it. Someone has to come forward and be vulnerable a little and open a discussion. It does not need to be heart wrenching just tell him you'd like to spend more time together.

 

If you want to know great love again you've got to take great risk. That is being alive and grabbing life's opportunity. If it doesn't end the way you'd wished then you'll survive and you'll move to next. Heartbreaks don't kill, they are part of life!

 

 

I agree that someone has to do it but he is the man. Let him lead.

[travelbug1996]

What did you leave at his house?

[Pinkdisney]

Did you see him Christmas Eve, Christmas, NYE? What about Valentine's Day next weekend, did he mention making plans yet? I mean, right there are huge markers. Did you spend the holidays without him? If that's the case you pretty much have your answer and I am sorry.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

What did you leave at his house?

 

Some very expensive things that I am not willing to part with.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Did you see him Christmas Eve, Christmas, NYE? What about Valentine's Day next weekend, did he mention making plans yet? I mean, right there are huge markers. Did you spend the holidays without him? If that's the case you pretty much have your answer and I am sorry.

 

Holidays - out of state to be with parents. NYE - worked.

 

We did spend Thanksgiving (alone) together after I was with my family. He also took me out for my b-day.

 

Also keep in mind we only started dating the very end of October, so that is too soon to spend the holidays together, in my opinion.

 

His operation is middle of this month so not expecting anything for Valentine's day.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Sorry... still not sure what to do yet.

Edited February 6, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin

[kaylan]

What you do? You (wo)man up. Ask him if he sees things progressing past casual dating. If not, don't make a big deal, tell him you understand, collect your things, and go no contact.

[fronk]

I just read the entire thread and I think there is some pretty good advice here.

 

I hate to say it but I have kinda been in his shoes so I will give you my opinion. From what I can read it's likely that all he wants from the relationship is a once a week date, dinner etc. It sounds like he likes the companionship but is maybe not seeking anything more.

 

On the other hand I could be wrong as everyone is different and I don't think there is anything wrong with you telling him what you want from the relationship when you see him next. People can surprise you.

 

I also wouldn't let the fact that he is in pain or needing surgery weigh in your decision. Those are just excuses.

 

May I ask what type of physician he is? As certain types of physicians are much busier than others and are often on-call several days a week. I'm not making excuses for him but it may be a factor.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I've been thinking about this! I wanted to come back to say that I hope you don't feel bad when people are saying "he's not that into you," you blew it by "mirroring" him, etc., I am pretty sure it's not about you at all, he may be as into you as he is capable of being into any woman at all. Sounds like he has been quite consistent in showing you what he is willing to give, I think that is all he has or is willing to offer to anybody. So don't be feeling that you are not enough or you should have done something different, it is this guy and how he handles relationships in his life, not what you are looking for!!

[Divasu]

In November (after one month of dating), it was revealed that I was dating other men. I told him I didn't want to assume we were in a committed relationship because things were still ambiguous/new and wasn't sure how he felt about being exclusive.

 

He said he figured I was dating other men because he checks my online profile and sees when it's active.

 

I said, "Why wouldn't you just ask me!?"

 

He said, "Sweetheart, it's none of my business."

 

I told him I like him a lot and I am only intimate with him, no one else. Even though I am dating others, I prefer to be only dating him.

 

He said he enjoys my company too, but his priority is his health, he is in pain, and we will revisit this when he's rehabilitated (he has several surgeries lined up). He thanked me for being honest, and said as long as both of us are open and honest, there shouldn't be any problems.

 

He was honest with his intentions (as noted above), and so were you.

 

His priority is his physical health... What is YOUR priority?

 

It is horrible that he has to deal with what seems like, major health issues. And, he should not be punished for that.

 

Your well being is important too - and remaining in an undesirable romantic situation for too long is the easiest, and quickest way to lose yourself.

 

Disappearing without saying a word is not the solution. Nonetheless - it is quite evident that you're on different paths.

[stillafool]

Please don't do this. You will probably be even more hurt than you already are. You are a woman and should not have to say these things to a man that has already shown his limited interest (beyond once a week) in you.

 

Your heart is already over invested and you have to protect your heart. You owe this man nothing. Remember he's still cruising the net for other options. Drop him and move on. He will know why. Trust and believe that.

 

I agree with the above. He is probably use to women breaking it off with him when they see that they cannot make him commit. He probably knows it's coming anyway that's why he's trolling the sites for new ladies.

[rester]

I can't believe the advice of just up and leaving without saying a word. That's so wrong in my opinion. Pumpkin doesn't want to split up, so disappearing is only pretending to not want to be together. It's more game playing. And this guy has been around the block long enough to know better than to chase a woman that doesn't want to be with him, so why pretend to not want to be with him?

 

He doesn't treat her poorly as far as I can tell. Unless I'm missing something, his biggest crime is not being available enough and being active on a dating site that Pumpkin is ALSO ACTIVE ON. It's only been three and half months and they see each other once a week. He has told her he is not sleeping with anyone else. What's so wrong or unusual about this? It's only wrong and unusual because she wants more but he doesn't know that because she won't say anything.

 

She's making it way too easy for him to call the shots. She's not acting like his equal so she's not going to be treated as such. Three and half months and he still initiates 90% of the time? Why would he move things further if she doesn't show more interest than that? He's got a great deal here, really. A once a week date and sex from someone that will never speak her mind or rock the boat. Not the type of woman that I prefer, but if I was a busy 56 year old bachelor with health problems it'd probably be the shlit. I forget if he has kids or not, but that would fill up his week pretty quickly. Three and a half months isn't even really that much time for people to be spending more than once a week together, as long as both people are happy with it.

 

This entire situation would be different if Pumpkin was speaking up and this guy still wasn't getting it, but it hasn't gotten that far yet. She is over-compensating for her over-giving nature and until she balances that out a little this isn't going to go well.

 

I agree that this might not go any farther and that all he wants is a once-a-week thing, but disappearing on the guy without a conversation makes no sense to me whatsoever. It's very conflict-avoidant and guarantees without a doubt the one outcome Pumpkin doesn't want.

[BlueIris]

I can't believe the advice of just up and leaving without saying a word. That's so wrong in my opinion. Pumpkin doesn't want to split up, so disappearing is only pretending to not want to be together.

 

I don't know about that- that she wants him. He's annoyed her since month 1. It seems to me that her gut says "no" but he seems on paper like he ought to be a good catch, so she's been trying to talk herself into it, or puzzling and confused as head and gut battle. He's not a strong solid guy. The guy's 56, never been married, aloof and noncommittal, still looking online, has casual sex without wanting commitment from either of them, and her friends and family don't like him. I don't think she really wants him. It's just annoying her.

[rester]

I don't know about that- that she wants him. He's annoyed her since month 1. It seems to me that her gut says "no" but he seems on paper like he ought to be a good catch, so she's been trying to talk herself into it, or puzzling and confused as head and gut battle. He's not a strong solid guy. The guy's 56, never been married, aloof and noncommittal, still looking online, has casual sex without wanting commitment from either of them, and her friends and family don't like him. I don't think she really wants him. It's just annoying her.

 

While I don't disagree with any of this, Pumpkin is also having casual sex without a commitment, and she is also "playing" aloof and noncommittal. That's the problem.

 

I just think the guy deserves one conversation. I agree that this is a poor situation for Pumpkin to be in and he's probably not the right person for her.

[BlueIris]

While I don't disagree with any of this, Pumpkin is also having casual sex without a commitment, and she is also "playing" aloof and noncommittal. That's the problem.

 

I just think the guy deserves one conversation. I agree that this is a poor situation for Pumpkin to be in and he's probably not the right person for her.

 

True, and agreed.

 

Personally, I'd drive to his place, get my stuff, and have a brief conversation, more like telling, while getting my stuff. Something like, "You're a great guy and I've really enjoyed spending time with you, but I just don't think we have long-term potential. I really wish everything good for you. So, I guess I'd better collect my things." I don't leave stuff at guys' houses for this reason.

[carhill]

^^^^ scanned the thread, love this closing.

 

What are middle-aged men waiting for? As a middle-aged man, and knowing a middle-aged man like this man, my opinion is he's waiting for the perfect lady and is happy to enjoy the attentions of others until that happens because, wait for it, he can.

 

All the canaries in my coal mine died so I'd simply be efficient in explaining, gather items and move on. Resist being drawn into a conversation. These guys love that kind of stuff, especially the smooth talkers. Oh, boy.

 

Good luck on your date Sunday. Very blessed you are. Peace.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I can't believe the advice of just up and leaving without saying a word. That's so wrong in my opinion. Pumpkin doesn't want to split up, so disappearing is only pretending to not want to be together. It's more game playing. And this guy has been around the block long enough to know better than to chase a woman that doesn't want to be with him, so why pretend to not want to be with him?

 

He doesn't treat her poorly as far as I can tell. Unless I'm missing something, his biggest crime is not being available enough and being active on a dating site that Pumpkin is ALSO ACTIVE ON. It's only been three and half months and they see each other once a week. He has told her he is not sleeping with anyone else. What's so wrong or unusual about this? It's only wrong and unusual because she wants more but he doesn't know that because she won't say anything.

 

She's making it way too easy for him to call the shots. She's not acting like his equal so she's not going to be treated as such. Three and half months and he still initiates 90% of the time? Why would he move things further if she doesn't show more interest than that? He's got a great deal here, really. A once a week date and sex from someone that will never speak her mind or rock the boat. Not the type of woman that I prefer, but if I was a busy 56 year old bachelor with health problems it'd probably be the shlit. I forget if he has kids or not, but that would fill up his week pretty quickly. Three and a half months isn't even really that much time for people to be spending more than once a week together, as long as both people are happy with it.

 

This entire situation would be different if Pumpkin was speaking up and this guy still wasn't getting it, but it hasn't gotten that far yet. She is over-compensating for her over-giving nature and until she balances that out a little this isn't going to go well.

 

I agree that this might not go any farther and that all he wants is a once-a-week thing, but disappearing on the guy without a conversation makes no sense to me whatsoever. It's very conflict-avoidant and guarantees without a doubt the one outcome Pumpkin doesn't want.

 

You've summarized this perfectly. This is pretty much the situation spot on.

 

No, he has never treated me poorly. Always been a gentleman. And I don't think its all about sex either. He always says we don't have to do this...and the first time we did, he made sure I was ready by checking in verbally. There have been times when we hung and and sex did not happen. So yeah, I feel safe around him. I am comfortable in his house and he is nice to me. Rester is right. this whole post is true and spot on.

[elaine567]

While I don't disagree with any of this, Pumpkin is also having casual sex without a commitment, and she is also "playing" aloof and noncommittal. That's the problem.

 

I just think the guy deserves one conversation. I agree that this is a poor situation for Pumpkin to be in and he's probably not the right person for her.

 

Yes, Pumpkin is playing it very cool too and therefore the relationship is doomed, IMO.

He is moseying along quite happily it seems with his once a week date and sex, and she just complies.

Somehow they got into this rut, and unless one of them shows a bit of gumption and stirs the relationship up a bit, then once a week date and sex it is forever.

Perhaps he would be a different man without the surgery and chronic pain hanging over him though, but perhaps not.

There is just no fire here, no real passion and no sense of urgency, no momentum, it just sounds a stale, old and boring relationship to tell the truth, not a relationship that is only 3 months old.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I've been thinking about this! I wanted to come back to say that I hope you don't feel bad when people are saying "he's not that into you," you blew it by "mirroring" him, etc., I am pretty sure it's not about you at all, he may be as into you as he is capable of being into any woman at all. Sounds like he has been quite consistent in showing you what he is willing to give, I think that is all he has or is willing to offer to anybody. So don't be feeling that you are not enough or you should have done something different, it is this guy and how he handles relationships in his life, not what you are looking for!!

 

This js very sweet. Thank you for the kind words.