irresolute Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Wow isn't this post redundant? You need to realize he doesn't give a s.hit about your motives. The most he'll miss is the sex you're giving him for free, wich I'm sure he can get very easily (for free or not). Why are you losing your time thinking and overthinking? I'm sorry you still care for him, it's obvious he doesn't give a s.hit about that. You are convenient and he'll replace you in a blink. You are no special. If you were, he'll for sure try to keep you for himself, which it's not the case.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Wow, you paint a really cold picture of him. Moving onward..I need to play out hypotheticals so I'm prepared for this. I don't want to present him with closed-ended statement like "I can't see you anymore because you don't care about me." I think it's more effective to say something like this isn't working for me right now, and I'm looking for something more meaningful. His responses could be: A. Okay. See ya. B. What do you want? Most likely he's going to ask B, and that's where I'll F-up and start crying. I gotta write this crap down. It's making me have a stomach ache. I don't know why this has to be so hard.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 You know, I think whatever I do or whatever I say, the outcome will be the same. So it doesn't matter. I just want to get my stuff out of his house.
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 How about you just tell him: You know what? I would like it if we'd spend more time together, what do you think? 1
bathtub-row Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 The relationship has NEVER been discussed. Ever. Only when it was four weeks in where he told me he's in pain etc, and that was a three-minute conversation at best. But you're right. I'm only going to say I'm losing focus of my goals, it's not healthy or effective achieving what I want the longer I stay in this relationship. Personally, I wouldn't even get that detailed. Something like "I think we just want different things" would suffice, if you insist on saying something. To be perfectly honest with you, though, NO conversation would be even better. Remember what I said about actions? Just fade from his life as you would with anyone you've lost interest in. A conversation suggests negotiating or coercing, fading suggests disinterest and lack of desire to negotiate on any level. I'm sure the dr. guy has lots of women beating his door down. And, as you already know, it's usually the one that walks away without a word that blows a guy's hair back. Doc needs to be taken down a few notches, if you ask me. 5
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 To be perfectly honest with you, though, NO conversation would be even better. And, as you already know, it's usually the one that walks away without a word that blows a guy's hair back. Doc needs to be taken down a few notches, if you ask me. As of now, your option is the best choice. I'm all the huge impact with little force, and walking away without a word is not only priceless, but probably the most attention grabbing. :love: 2
bathtub-row Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 As of now, your option is the best choice. I'm all the huge impact with little force, and walking away without a word is not only priceless, but probably the most attention grabbing. :love: And it doesn't completely close the door. He may want you back and that's when you tell him what you expect out of a relationship (and trolling dating sites isn't one of them). That's the time to find out if he's willing to offer you the type of relationship you want. If he doesn't try to get you back, then you will know for sure you did the right thing for yourself. Easy-peezy. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Okay....Saturday. Have fun, secretly round up my belongings, and don't even have a talk. Make the date shorter than usual. Don't spend the night. High-tail it out of there and disappear. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 And it doesn't completely close the door. He may want you back and that's when you tell him what you expect out of a relationship (and trolling dating sites isn't one of them). That's the time to find out if he's willing to offer you the type of relationship you want. If he doesn't try to get you back, then you will know for sure you did the right thing for yourself. Easy-peezy. Goddamn Bathtub, you're a genius at negotiating. Do you play poker or something? I believe this is the best response in this whole 7-page thread.
stillafool Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 One more thing, people, that's been ignored. The fact that he's in pain, facing multiple surgeries with extensive rehabilitation, can barely walk, and takes 10 minutes to get from one part of the house to the other, should I just completely ignore that component when telling him I'm outta there? I feel like a beeeyotch bringing this up while he's stressed enough already. I DO care about him, you know. My goodness, if I were in his condition and some young man was acting the way you have been I would be so grateful and so in love I would definitely want to be in a locked down relationship with the guy. If he is in such poor condition why is he going out on Saturday night and for that matter why is he still on line looking for other women? 1
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Okay....Saturday. Have fun, secretly round up my belongings, and don't even have a talk. Make the date shorter than usual. Don't spend the night. High-tail it out of there and disappear. I don't understand what you want. I also don't understand how you work. You said you liked him, cared for him, you never had a real conversation with him about your relationship expectations, you don't want to abruptly end it or give him an ultimatum, etc etc. Then you decide to up and go with no word of explanation. sigh.... 2
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I think you are all about game playing. You did it your whole relationship with mirroring his actions and you will play a last game with this leaving early without a word. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 I don't understand what you want. I also don't understand how you work. You said you liked him, cared for him, you never had a real conversation with him about your relationship expectations, you don't want to abruptly end it or give him an ultimatum, etc etc. Then you decide to up and go with no word of explanation. sigh.... I DO care about him, but I care about me more. Sitting there and explainging and babbling like a fool trying to explain how I feel is not going to work with this man. He's been dating for 40-plus years and has probably heard it ALL. I think walking away seeing what happens is THE most effective way. It shows I've got self-respect and makes him scratch his head wondering what the hell happened. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 I think you are all about game playing. You did it your whole relationship with mirroring his actions and you will play a last game with this leaving early without a word. It's not a game. It's a protection. If I didn't mirror him, I'd be baking cookies every other day, cooking him dinner, lying in bed watching movies and inviting him out every other second. I have to mirror. I am an over-giver by nature.
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I think walking away seeing what happens is THE most effective way. It shows I've got self-respect and makes him scratch his head wondering what the hell happened. In the past 3 months all you did was mirroring his actions which means you showed nothing of your true self to him. You presented to him a woman that is luckywarm about everything, with no spunk and spontaneity. Same date, same day, weeks after weeks after weeks, you never surprised him, you never got him off balance with something unexpected. The way I see it you were pretty boring. Not that you are, but that is the picture you presented to him by mimicking his actions and not showing your true self. He's not going to look back twice when you leave. 1
rester Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I don't understand why you would want to sabotage something by going ghost on the guy. For all he knows, you are perfectly happy with this once a week date arrangement. You don't complain about it because you don't want to sound needy, and you don't have relationship conversations with him because you are afraid of his reaction. I don't know how you're ever going to deal with another relationship if you can't bring yourself to tell anyone what you want out of the relationship. People in here are always so quick to "next" someone, but I think you owe YOURSELF a conversation with him to see how he feels about things. You might not get the answer you want, but at least you won't be wondering what could have been, all because you were too afraid to have a normal relationship conversation with the guy. I agree with Gaeta...why not just tell him you'd like to see him more often? If you don't like his answer, that's when you break it off with him, like an adult with your words. I think it's incredibly cowardly to just disappear on someone after dating them for 3.5 months, and it's not even what you want to do. From what I've read in your last 3 threads, you've shown extremely little interest in him because of your game playing. I'm surprised he's still around. I know I would have been gone a long time ago. 4
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 In the past 3 months all you did was mirroring his actions which means you showed nothing of your true self to him. You presented to him a woman that is luckywarm about everything, with no spunk and spontaneity. Same date, same day, weeks after weeks after weeks, you never surprised him, you never got him off balance with a surprise. The way I see it you were pretty boring. Not that you are, but that is the picture you presented to him by mimicking his actions and not showing your true self. He's not going to look back twice when you leave. Nah... I may have mirrored his actions as a guideline, but he saw snippets and glimpses of me. I'm funny as hell in person and have him rolling on the ground laughing. I've said great ideas, helped him with stuff, cooked for him a few times, vice versa. He knows my character, but he doesn't know the depth of it...that's the sad part.
rester Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I DO care about him, but I care about me more. Sitting there and explainging and babbling like a fool trying to explain how I feel is not going to work with this man. He's been dating for 40-plus years and has probably heard it ALL. I think walking away seeing what happens is THE most effective way. It shows I've got self-respect and makes him scratch his head wondering what the hell happened. I don't think walking away without saying a word shows anything but that you are afraid of conflict. I'd wonder what happened but would not have much respect for you after that. Maybe this man is different, but I prefer a woman that can speak her mind. I think you are only liking this idea because you are in fact afraid of the discussion and not that you think it's a good idea. It's not a game. It's a protection. If I didn't mirror him, I'd be baking cookies every other day, cooking him dinner, lying in bed watching movies and inviting him out every other second. I have to mirror. I am an over-giver by nature. I can understand the over-giver part. That's not good, either. It sounds like you need to find a balance between being an over-giver and being completely dishonest about what you want. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 , you've shown extremely little interest in him because of your game playing. I'm surprised he's still around. I know I would have been gone a long time ago. He's shown limited interest in me...telling me it's none of his biz if I date others, going online still, being vague about monumental days like NYE or the superbowl. This is why I'm slow to reveal my cards. YES, I care about him a lot, but why would I be the fun spontaneous girl I am with someone who is keeping me at an arm's distance?
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 I I think you are only liking this idea because you are in fact afraid of the discussion and not that you think it's a good idea. I'm actually terrified of his history. He's got to be a pro at dating. Rich and handsome?? Never been married? Yes, I am afraid, very afraid of him. 15 years younger and two very long-term relationships. He's heard it all from all sorts of women, I'm sure of it. So why explain anything? He probably knows what I'm going to say before I say it. The key to this man's heart is being unique and different. I know that much about him....by his belongings and the choices he's made.
rester Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He's shown limited interest in me...telling me it's none of his biz if I date others, going online still, being vague about monumental days like NYE or the superbowl. This is why I'm slow to reveal my cards. YES, I care about him a lot, but why would I be the fun spontaneous girl I am with someone who is keeping me at an arm's distance? Have a real conversation with the guy for once. Tell him you care about him a lot. What do you have to lose? Nothing. If you keep pretending you're happy being his once-a-week booty call that's all you're ever going to get. You have nothing to lose here by having the conversation. You might not get what you want, but if you disappear you're definitely not going to get what you want. I wish you the best. 5
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Have a real conversation with the guy for once. Tell him you care about him a lot. What do you have to lose? Nothing. I wish you the best. Wow..that brought tears to my eyes. I DO care about him, but it's so hard to express that when he's not letting me in. Thanks, Rester.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Wow I'm just a mixed bag of emotions right now. I'm sad it could be ending, I'm scared for him because of his surgery, I'm irritated because he's so guarded.
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You both have done a good job at guarding yourself and after 3.5 months you have nothing to show for because of it. Someone has to come forward and be vulnerable a little and open a discussion. It does not need to be heart wrenching just tell him you'd like to spend more time together. If you want to know great love again you've got to take great risk. That is being alive and grabbing life's opportunity. If it doesn't end the way you'd wished then you'll survive and you'll move to next. Heartbreaks don't kill, they are part of life! 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 You both have done a good job at guarding yourself and after 3.5 months you have nothing to show for because of it. Someone has to come forward and be vulnerable a little and open a discussion. It does not need to be heart wrenching just tell him you'd like to spend more time together. If you want to know great love again you've got to take great risk. That is being alive and grabbing life's opportunity. If it doesn't end the way you'd wished then you'll survive and you'll move to next. Heartbreaks don't kill, they are part of life! You're an angel, Gaeta. Not very good at making myself vulnerable esp. with a man who is like him. Thank god I have two full days to think this through. So emotional right now. I think I'm getting my period.
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