Middle-age daters...What is he waiting for?

[PumpkinLumpkin]

BTW, since my post last night, I already have a date planned for Sunday. It's strange...HE contacted me, and guess what? He's a doctor too. It would be scary if they knew each other.

[Gaeta]

Also I want to reiterate that the conversation about me dating other men where he was okay with it was only four weeks into the relationship. It seems like you all think this was a recent conversation.

 

It's now 3.5 months and he has told me since then he is not sleeping with other women.

 

I don't know about the others but for my part I was under the impression he told you this lately.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I don't know about the others but for my part I was under the impression he told you this lately.

 

 

No, no, no. Read my original post, dear Gaeta..... This was way back in November where he said it's none if his business if I chose to date others.

 

In Dec. he told me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else.

 

Now we are in Feb.

 

I guess it doesn't matter. He still hasn't brought it up and I still see him online.

[elaine567]

NO...No no no...this is all wrong.

 

He has NO idea what I'm able to offer or what I want. It has never been discussed. The past few months have been nothing but movies, eating, banter, giggles and sex. I've pretty much mirrored his actions up to this point. He's online, I'm online. He makes me a salad, I'll cook him one dinner. He comes to my house, I'll go to his house. He texts once, he gets one response.

 

Why this way? I am terrified of over-investing, so I stay within the boundaries of what he's shown me. Even when he was sick with flu, I didn't make him soup. I bought it from a store. No way will I waste an entire day cooking homemade soup over someone who has not committed to me. I am not his caretaker.

 

He has NO idea what I can do. He's only seen snippets. This is why I want to take the opportunity to tell him.

 

OK you may be mirroring him, but has he made any effort to step things up? Is he asking you to stay the week end? Is he calling you midweek to invite you to events unexpectedly? Is he texting you good night or good morning?

Have you met any of his friends? Does he speak about his life outwith the time he spends with you?

OR is everything with you just happening in the rigid structure of "the date"?

[PumpkinLumpkin]

You don't tell these things you show them.

 

That is why many of us told you to stop this silly game playing. Mirroring someone's actions is the stupidest game playing. Dating is about showing yourself with gestures. Monkey see Monkey do will get you nowhere. Do you understand that?

 

I'm not so sure about that. For example, with past boyfriends I was an avid cook, cooked dinner daily, but that's because I knew I was in a committed relationship.

 

With this man, there's no F-ing way I'm going to be cooking for someone who keeps me at an arm's distance. I'll only allow myself to go as far as he will go.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

OK you may be mirroring him, but has he made any effort to step things up?

 

Not really.

 

Is he asking you to stay the week end?

 

No.

 

Is he calling you midweek to invite you to events unexpectedly?

 

Sometimes.

 

Is he texting you good night or good morning?

 

Sometimes.

 

Have you met any of his friends?

 

No.

 

Does he speak about his life outwith the time he spends with you?

 

Yes.

 

 

 

OR is everything with you just happening in the rigid structure of "the date"?

[GemmaUK]

I have read this thread and to be honest I don't quite know what it is that you want.

 

 

He is initiating 90% of contact and asking you on dates.

Neither of you are seeing anyone else from the sound of it.

 

 

You are mirroring him so he will only see that as you being happy unless you say something which you seem too scared to do from your posts here.

If you mirror someone they will never get to know you and will likely lose interest and feel like you are there just for ..well, no apparent reason.

 

 

Communication and equally listening, respect and understanding are the crux of a relationship - any kind of relationship.

It seems like you are missing most or all of these elements.

 

 

What is it that you actually want?

[Ruby Slippers]

He has NO idea what I can do. He's only seen snippets. This is why I want to take the opportunity to tell him.

I know this sounds harsh, but... he doesn't care what you can do. You've had "nothing but movies, eating, banter, giggles and sex" because that's exactly what he wants from you, and given his dating history, probably any woman. He wants a once-a-week date with a woman for food, fun, and sex. That's all he wants and it's all he's offering.

 

Don't lower yourself by delivering him a monologue about how wonderful you are. He's already seen how wonderful you are, and he still just wants to have fun with you once a week.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I'm getting diarrhea I'm so anxious.

 

There's a part of me that wants to see him on Saturday, tell him briefly what's going on, grab my stuff, and leave.

 

I don't know how to approach this.

 

Go on the whole date and then say it?

 

Say it up front and then leave?

 

Say it in the middle of the date?

 

I guess I have to get a "feel" for how things are going first.

[Timshel]

Ok here goes opinion. At first I thought shallow. You are not. Let things be. Get off line. No one can be in a relationship on line. He cares for you in a shallow way. You have to get off line.

 

He is facing illness. He can still court you. You should have brought him home ade soup.

 

What are you afraid of? You hope that he will love you and make an effort. He does love you but you are the one who is afraid.

 

Sorry for disjointed. There it though.

[bathtub-row]

You're going to make the classic mistake that a lot of women make -- talking too dang much, discussing "the relationship", and trying to prove your value.

 

I strongly recommend leaving it alone. The only thing men really understand are actions. Your actions tell him everything about how much BS you'll put up with and he's not impressed.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I know this sounds harsh, but... he doesn't care what you can do. You've had "nothing but movies, eating, banter, giggles and sex" because that's exactly what he wants from you, and given his dating history, probably any woman. He wants a once-a-week date with a woman for food, fun, and sex. That's all he wants and it's all he's offering.

 

Don't lower yourself by delivering him a monologue about how wonderful you are. He's already seen how wonderful you are, and he still just wants to have fun with you once a week.

 

Wow..I think you're right.

 

He can get that from any woman.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

You're going to make the classic mistake that a lot of women make -- talking too dang much, discussing "the relationship", and trying to prove your value. .

 

The relationship has NEVER been discussed. Ever.

 

Only when it was four weeks in where he told me he's in pain etc, and that was a three-minute conversation at best.

 

But you're right. I'm only going to say I'm losing focus of my goals, it's not healthy or effective achieving what I want the longer I stay in this relationship.

 

Scratch the pretty painted picture.

 

I'm all about simplicity.

[Diezel]

I feel like we are at a Mexican standoff.

 

It's definitely NOT a Mexican standoff, because he is getting exactly what he wants out of the relationship and you aren't. It's only a standoff if two people aren't getting what they want and one has to be the inevitable one to pull the trigger. His trigger already pulled. He's giving you his best shot.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

One more thing, people, that's been ignored.

 

The fact that he's in pain, facing multiple surgeries with extensive rehabilitation, can barely walk, and takes 10 minutes to get from one part of the house to the other, should I just completely ignore that component when telling him I'm outta there?

 

I feel like a beeeyotch bringing this up while he's stressed enough already.

 

I DO care about him, you know.

[darkmoon]

he is facing multiple surgery

 

in not giving a damn, as in you only mention surgery in passing, some would see the wisdom of keeping options open

 

i do not think you the victim, he is, you are being treated as a booty call for a reason, beware

[Ruby Slippers]

If I were you, I would meet him this weekend, tell him I enjoyed spending some time with him, wish him luck with his surgeries and recovery. Then I'd tell him I'm looking for a more meaningful romantic connection than we have, tell him I won't be seeing him any more, and make arrangements to get my stuff back.

 

Be prepared for him to try to retain you in the position of his once-a-week fun girl.

[rester]

If you care about this guy and want to make something work, you need to stop playing these strange mirroring games and have an honest conversation with him. Tell him exactly what makes you unhappy (without blaming) and then see how he reacts to it. I think you're afraid of his reaction so you play games and avoid being honest with him, but the end result will be the one you fear anyway if you keep doing this.

 

I think Diezel is right. He's probably not bringing up moving the relationship along because he's fine with it where it stands. This doesn't mean that he's unwilling to move it forward, it's just that he's not necessarily going to push it if you're not. If you're the one that wants to see him more often or whatever it is that you want, you need to communicate this to him. It doesn't sound like he's even aware you are unhappy because you let him do all the initiating and are barely showing that you yourself care about him. If he doesn't know you are unhappy, he's never going to change. At least if he knows what makes you unhappy he has the power to change it, or not.

 

And please don't try to convince him of everything you can offer. That is very off-putting and awkward.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I. I think you're afraid of his reaction so you play games and avoid being honest with him, but the end result will be the one you fear anyway if you keep doing this..

 

THIS 1000x. You pegged me.

 

 

And please don't try to convince him of everything you can offer. That is very off-putting and awkward.

 

Love your advice.

 

 

I'm not convincing or selling myself to anyone. I am going to tell him what I WANT, which goes hand in hand with what I can offer.

[Gaeta]

Talk is cheap.

 

Instead of telling him what kind of relationship want SHOW HIM.

 

Invite him over to a home-cooked meal. He's injured and in pain, bring him homemade soup and Sheppard pie. Open up to him, show your true selfe, show him what's underneath.

 

Give him a couple of weeks of who you really are!! and show what you want by giving it !! If you get no reciprocation after a couple of weeks then move on.

[Ruby Slippers]

He's probably not bringing up moving the relationship along because he's fine with it where it stands. This doesn't mean that he's unwilling to move it forward, it's just that he's not necessarily going to push it if you're not.

He's stated clearly that he's unwilling to move things forward. From the first post in this thread:

 

He said he enjoys my company too, but his priority is his health, he is in pain, and we will revisit this when he's rehabilitated (he has several surgeries lined up).

 

And then there's this:

 

Recently I've been seeing him online more and more frequently, adding photos, and this is making me nervous.

 

And let's not forget:

 

No one likes this guy. My ex-bf's mother can't stand him (she is a surrogate mom) My two best friends don't like him. My boss doesn't like him. My ex-bf doesn't like him. And now Writergal doesn't like him.

 

They say he's shifty, older, and being slick with a younger inexperienced woman who's been in a long-term relationship for the majority of her life (me).

 

And the most important point of all:

 

At this point, I don't know if I want to be exclusive with a man that needs coaxing. I will not decide for him. He is a leader and knows what he wants. You should see his house. Everything has a place and every piece of furniture is all well thought out. If I am someone he cares about, he would have made a place for me in his heart after 3.5 months.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

He's stated clearly that he's unwilling to move things forward. From the first post in this thread:

 

 

 

And then there's this:

 

 

 

And let's not forget:

 

 

 

And the most important point of all:

 

Ruby, all of that "seeing other men/pain stuff" was only four weeks into dating. Since then, he's revealed he's not sleeping with anyone else.

 

He could just be browsing the sites because he's bored. I have no idea. I doubt he is hobbling around meeting women, but hey, I don't know for sure because we've never discussed it.

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds to me like you're making a lot of excuses for him. I get it, I've been there.

 

I agree with you that you don't have to coax a man who really cares about you to progress the relationship in a natural way.

 

In any case, he's made it clear he's not willing to do that until he's recovered from his surgeries. If you keep pushing for it, it's going to start to look and feel desperate. So at least until he's recovered, it seems to me that you'll have to accept things the way they are now, or not.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

So at least until he's recovered, it seems to me that you'll have to accept things the way they are now, or not.

 

That's pretty much what I've been doing, but I am tired of it.

 

Feels like I am in limbo. That's why I posted here. Not sure if I'm making a mistake by sticking around; if I'm being a bitch for leaving right before his surgery; if he's not bringing up commitment for what reason....etc etc etc.

 

It's a very blurry picture when you're smack in the middle of it and your emotions are tied up with logic.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's a very blurry picture when you're smack in the middle of it and your emotions are tied up with logic.

I understand that! Those of us outside the situation are not emotionally involved and can be objective.

 

That's pretty much what I've been doing, but I am tired of it.

I think your intuition is telling you something, and you're tired of it for good reason.

 

Feels like I am in limbo. That's why I posted here. Not sure if I'm making a mistake by sticking around; if I'm being a bitch for leaving right before his surgery; if he's not bringing up commitment for what reason....etc etc etc.

I don't think the surgery is a reasonable excuse for putting off a commitment to exclusivity. It's not a proposal - just agreeing not to date or have sex with anybody else. The topic came up naturally, and he put it off. After 3 1/2 months, he's deflecting exclusivity, and he's active and posting new pictures on the dating site. I think he's making his stance perfectly clear.

 

You're only in limbo because you're going along with his undesirable terms.

 

It doesn't seem you've ever really "been there" for each other in any meaningful way, so why do you feel so obligated to "be there" for him through his surgeries? You've had nothing but fun, giggles, etc. Your only obligation here is to look after yourself and be true to yourself.