PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Met in October. He's 56 and I am 15 years younger. His dating history consists of mostly short-term relationships lasting under a year, and that makes me weary. He's sucessful, wealthy and handsome, but very level-headed and clinical. In November (after one month of dating), it was revealed that I was dating other men. I told him I didn't want to assume we were in a committed relationship because things were still ambiguous/new and wasn't sure how he felt about being exclusive. He said he figured I was dating other men because he checks my online profile and sees when it's active. I said, "Why wouldn't you just ask me!?" He said, "Sweetheart, it's none of my business." I told him I like him a lot and I am only intimate with him, no one else. Even though I am dating others, I prefer to be only dating him. He said he enjoys my company too, but his priority is his health, he is in pain, and we will revisit this when he's rehabilitated (he has several surgeries lined up). He thanked me for being honest, and said as long as both of us are open and honest, there shouldn't be any problems. Now we are in February and absolutely nothing has changed. He has been consistent with once-a-week dates since Day 1, (I don't think he gives a crap if I"m dating others or not, and that hurts.) He initiates 90 percent contact and dates except for a blip when he was sick. I rarely initiate anything, but he doesn't seem to mind. There has been NO mention of a long-term committment. He did say he wasn't sleeping around.....however our profiles are still up and active (my rule is I won't take mine down unless I know for sure we are bf/gf). Recently I've been seeing him online more and more frequently, adding photos, and this is making me nervous. I feel like we are at a Mexican standoff. I haven't invested in this relationship any more than he has because I do not want to chase and it's the only way I can protect myself as an over-giver. It's been a little over three months and he has not asked me to stop dating others or to be his gf. I prefer to let things unfold naturally, but he is in physical pain with multiple surgeries and lengthy rehabilitations planned in the upcoming weeks. If it weren't for the surgeries, would the relationship progress??? I can't initiate the "what-are-we talk"...the last thing I want to do is appear needy and insecure while his surgeries are pending, adding stress to an already stressful situation. Thoughts on where this might be headed or what I should do?
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Hmm. 5 months and no headway's been made towards establishing exclusivity? Not a good sign. Mexican standoff? Sounds like it. I think he'd be as noncommittal irregardless of the surgeries he has scheduled. He sounds like the consummate bachelor. Sorry to hear that. What do you want to do? What does your intuition tell you?
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Hmm. 5 months and no headway's been made towards establishing exclusivity? Not a good sign. Mexican standoff? Sounds like it. I think he'd be as noncommittal irregardless of the surgeries he has scheduled. He sounds like the consummate bachelor. Sorry to hear that. What do you want to do? What does your intuition tell you? It's 3.5 months (end of oct to beginning feb). My gut says he likes me but he's got his health to worry about and can't offer me more.... and/or he's too old to give a crap about titles, or, really, to progress this relationship. Some thoughts that are running through my head: Am I just "Miss Right Now," and as soon as he's healed, he's moving on? Is he testing me to see if I'll bail or stick around during his time of need? Is he giving me the freedom of not being tied down to an invalid? Or is this low-level interest on his part? Is he too old to give a crap about titles?
blueskyday Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 How about telling him that you have decided you only want to continue sleeping with him if you are exclusive and monogamous? His response will tell you all you need to know. Personally, I wouldn't want to sleep with a guy who still had a dating profile up. For me, it's heart and penis out at the same time! Hehe..I need both! Maybe you do, too. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 How about telling him that you have decided you only want to continue sleeping with him if you are exclusive and monogamous? Why won't he say it first????
stillafool Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I don't think he is that in to you TBH. It's clear that you really like him. Is this the doctor? No matter what age or condition, they can always get women. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I don't think he is that in to you TBH. It's clear that you really like him. Is this the doctor? No matter what age or condition, they can always get women. Yes, it is. Even with the consistent dates, him always initiating, he's not into me?
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Men date women for all kinds of reasons that don't actually involve liking the woman or being attracted to her. Sad to say but it's true. He could be dating you once a week for 3.5 months because you serve to fill a void in his schedule - especially since he's still actively doing the online dating thing with other women; updating his profile content and photos. It's why I call him the consummate bachelor. Even at 3.5 months, if I was dating a guy who chose not to be exclusive with me by that point, I'd turn my heels and run. blueskyday and stillafool are both right; it doesn't seem like he's that into you (1 date a week, still actively dating other women via online dating, he's in too much physical pain to make a commitment to you which is such b.s. dear lord), and heart AND penis need to be available to you at the same time. His heart isn't committed but his penis is. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they don't commit to you? (Sorry, just saw a commercial for the tv show COPS on tv). The answer for $100 Alex is, "Do I dump him because he won't commit?" Why yes. Yes, you do (or should consider it). Dont' be his slave anymore. Free yourself and date a man who makes himself 100% available to you in heart AND penis, to use blueskyday's words. 7
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 In my gut I think I have to break up. Just don't know if I should have a talk or do a slow fade or just stop saying yes. I'm really sad. 2
irresolute Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 He likes you, however (and this is important) not enough. You should leave this one go, specially if you still want to have a family. He doesn't seem very invested in you, to be honest. You're more like a good distraction to him. Find someone else, quick. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Even at 3.5 months, if I was dating a guy who chose not to be exclusive with me by that point, I'd turn my heels and run. I never asked him, but he never asked me. Should I bring it up before I make any type of decision? I'm guessing the outcome will be the same regardless.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 He likes you, however (and this is important) not enough. You should leave this one go, specially if you still want to have a family. He doesn't seem very invested in you, to be honest. You're more like a good distraction to him. Find someone else, quick. Neither of us want a family. Okay. I need to get my things from his place.... I feel horrible.
irresolute Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Alright. Just breathe now. Be sure that you really want to do that, do not act impulsively. Take your time, do not contact him. He seems highly unavailable and it also seems you want more than he's willing to give you. No long relationships in his history is a red flag indeed. But take it easy. Do not run into conclusions just because you read all this comments here. 2
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I never asked him, but he never asked me. Should I bring it up before I make any type of decision? I'm guessing the outcome will be the same regardless. I think you'd just waste your time if you asked him to be exclusive. If he wanted to be exclusive with you, he would have taken down his online dating profile, and asked you out more than once a week and not use his upcoming surgeries as an excuse not to see you more often. If it makes you feel better to bring up exclusivity, then do it. But lower your expectations so that you won't be disappointed when he again tells you that he doesn't want to commit to you. I know you really like him, but irresolute is right also; let this one go. He treats you more like a distraction than an actual girlfriend. There are plenty of other doctors out there who will commit to you. He'll just keep stringing you along, which takes you away from dating men who will commit to you much faster than 3.5 months without all the excuses. You deserve to be treated better. 4
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I won't do anything just right yet. He's planning a date for us later this week. I am not one to throw ultimatums, so I won't say exclusivity or else I'm walking. Not classy. I think something like this: "I can't see you anymore. Our goals aren't in alignment." I want to faint.
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I won't do anything just right yet. He's planning a date for us later this week. I am not one to throw ultimatums, so I won't say exclusivity or else I'm walking. Not classy. I think something like this: "I can't see you anymore. Our goals aren't in alignment." I want to faint. I know you feel bad, but you also recognize on a gut level that your connection with him is completely stagnant. It hasn't progressed in 3.5 months. And it is true that your goals and his aren't aligned if you want a relationship and he doesn't. That is a perfectly legitimate reason to end things. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Am I being a bitch for doing this right before his surgery?
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Am I being a bitch for doing this right before his surgery? No, you're not being a bitch. You can't put your needs second to his. I have a feeling since he's actively dating online, that he'll somehow find the strength to bounce back. I think he's a jerk, frankly, to string you along for 3.5 months. Doesn't matter that you didn't ask him for exclusivity first. He's a grown man. If he wanted to commit to you, he would have done so already. The fact that he has never had a long term relationship is a huge red flag too. He's the consummate bachelor methinks. Those kind of men never commit to a woman; or if they do, it's never for very long. In the long term, you'll see this as an blessing because now you can put yourself back on the market 100%, and not settle for anything less than an exclusive relationship. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I know you feel bad, but you also recognize on a gut level that your connection with him is completely stagnant. It hasn't progressed in 3.5 months. And it is true that your goals and his aren't aligned if you want a relationship and he doesn't. That is a perfectly legitimate reason to end things. I've never dated anyone this much older than I, so I kept thinking he's old-school and taking it slowly. He's in pain too. Then the whole technology thing is another story. He is a poor texter. I keep attributing these things to the lack of progression; but am I just making excuses? I do want to add that he's opening up emotionally leaps and bounds every time we see each other. Whether that's stringing me along....I don't know. I do know my gut is telling me this man is going to rip my heart out of my chest. Never married; all short-term relationships.
bathtub-row Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I think the hard truth is that he doesn't believe you'll stick around for the long-term. There's too much of an age gap between the two of you and he obviously isn't healthy. He knows that, at some point, you're going to get tired of dealing with him. He's also successful so he's probably somewhat arrogant, whether he acts like that or not. Overall, there's something about the way he's acting toward you that isn't jiving. To me, it feels like an "upper hand" type of thing. It's also possible that he just feels too bad physically to really care that much about a relationship. I think you're making a mistake by staying with him. Just remember that a lot of successful guys are used to having their way and they are very, very cunning -- which is why they're successful. I have no doubt that he knows you far better than you know yourself. If he's active on the dating site, I think this tells you everything you need to know. 5
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 No, you're not being a bitch. You can't put your needs second to his. I have a feeling since he's actively dating online, that he'll somehow find the strength to bounce back. I think he's a jerk, frankly, to string you along for 3.5 months. Doesn't matter that you didn't ask him for exclusivity first. He's a grown man. If he wanted to commit to you, he would have done so already. The fact that he has never had a long term relationship is a huge red flag too. He's the consummate bachelor methinks. Those kind of men never commit to a woman; or if they do, it's never for very long. In the long term, you'll see this as an blessing because now you can put yourself back on the market 100%, and not settle for anything less than an exclusive relationship. You are a sweetheart. You really are. Thanks for having my back. 1
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I've never dated anyone this much older than I, so I kept thinking he's old-school and taking it slowly. He's in pain too. Then the whole technology thing is another story. He is a poor texter. I keep attributing these things to the lack of progression; but am I just making excuses? I do want to add that he's opening up emotionally leaps and bounds every time we see each other. Whether that's stringing me along....I don't know. I do know my gut is telling me this man is going to rip my heart out of my chest. Never married; all short-term relationships. Your gut is always right. Listen to your gut. All we can do is speculate and help you clear your head so that you can articulate what you need to, to him when the time comes. Just don't ignore your gut. Collective experience from LSackers aside, your gut knows what we don't, so listen to it and trust it, and follow it. As Shakespeare said, "to thine own self be true." 2
irresolute Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I won't do anything just right yet. He's planning a date for us later this week. I am not one to throw ultimatums, so I won't say exclusivity or else I'm walking. Not classy. I think something like this: "I can't see you anymore. Our goals aren't in alignment." I want to faint. Wait, you don't need to give any f..ick in..g explanation to him. Since he agrees with the fact you multidate, and him as well, you're just free to not talking to him anymore without any explanations. 5
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I think you're making a mistake by staying with him. Just remember that a lot of successful guys are used to having their way and they are very, very cunning -- which is why they're successful. I have no doubt that he knows you far better than you know yourself. If he's active on the dating site, I think this tells you everything you need to know. But I am active too. I refuse to disable it until I know where we stand. Is he active because he sees me active and still believes I'm dating others? Is he not wanting to commit because he doesn't want to burden me with his health issues? there are so many things running through my head, but the bottom line is he's making no effort to move this forward. As someone who is older, wiser, made life-threatening decisions regarding patients and running a company, you'd think he could make a decision about me. He's not. I think I've woken up. 1
writergal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I think the hard truth is that he doesn't believe you'll stick around for the long-term. There's too much of an age gap between the two of you and he obviously isn't healthy. He knows that, at some point, you're going to get tired of dealing with him. He's also successful so he's probably somewhat arrogant, whether he acts like that or not. Overall, there's something about the way he's acting toward you that isn't jiving. To me, it feels like an "upper hand" type of thing. It's also possible that he just feels too bad physically to really care that much about a relationship. I think you're making a mistake by staying with him. Just remember that a lot of successful guys are used to having their way and they are very, very cunning -- which is why they're successful. I have no doubt that he knows you far better than you know yourself. If he's active on the dating site, I think this tells you everything you need to know. +1! Agree 100% with you bathtub-row. From Pumpkin's first post about him, I never liked the guy and suspected to be true, what you articulated in your post here much better than I could. It's spot on. Spot on. You are a sweetheart. You really are. Thanks for having my back. Thanks Pumpkin. I got your back! Always! 2
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