My boyfriend hit me... I'm shocked and bewildered

[Missymay]

Emila, you are correct. Solid advisal . The OP needs to get to a safer area to reside and re-evaluate HER poor choices and behavior. As you stated, we are not in anyway siding with the "act" of physical harm, yet each side is responsible and accountable. Its absolutely being gleened over that this OP provoked and antagonized the scenario. I tend to think each side needs anger management classes...

 

Sometimes the person will tone down their actions to make the other appear guilty. I think the Fellow may have a different story to tell..

 

I am a human being who is entailed to feel and express my emotions. I am neither his slave nor his mother if I tell you to look for your belonging especially after I had but so disrespected I don't really feel like that's provoking the situation! I was edging to feeling like it was my fault but only for grabbing him not for what I said.

 

Also he doesn't have a different story to tell cos when he re-entered the room I told him that he put his hands on me for keys that were just under the bed. He replied saying he was sorry that the only reason he didn't look for it well is cos he thought I was hiding it. Cos he joking hid my purse the night before, he thought it was my revenge to hide the keys. Childish I know but Who says a 26yr old is fully grown.

[d0nnivain]

If you are smart enough to get into med school you have to be smart enough to know this is a bad situation for you.

 

Sell the blasted car. Who cares about a car? We are potentially talking about your life here! What are you going to do if he put you in a wheelchair or gives you brain damage & then your dream of being a doctor is flushed down the toilet?

 

THINK!

[Rainbowlove]

By all means do what you must do but next time give someone the keys when they ask first, don't play stupid games about how it 'fell under the bed' and how he should look for it. You should have given him the keys when he poured the water over you then thought about your options afterwards (ie leaving him). Why provoke someone already very angry with passive aggressive stuff? Not smart.

 

And before anyone says, no I'm not victim blaming or saying this is all the OP's fault. I just think allowing a bad situation to escalate isn't the smart thing to do. You need to learn how to handle conflict OP so that you don't put yourself in danger in the future.

 

And don't forget...don't wear your skirt too short, so you don't get raped.

 

And careful what you say....wouldn't want to make him angry so he shuts your mouth permanently next time.

 

LOL...solid advice.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Haydn]

Emilia is not defending the actions of this `Violent man` She is just saying that it could have been diffused. At some point in the OP`s RS, his true colours would have shown, no matter what.

 

OP, you should remove yourself from this RS.

[Rainbowlove]

Emilia is not defending the actions of this `Violent man` She is just saying that it could have been diffused. At some point in the OP`s RS, his true colours would have shown, no matter what.

 

OP, you should remove yourself from this RS.

 

I understand her point.

 

It's still blaming the OP for her BF's actions.

 

If the OP gets hit again, then we can blame her.

 

Now is the time to support her to leave him, not to make her feel badly about a choice to argue (albeit childishly) with her BF. Who isn't guilt of arguing with a BF or GF?

 

It's not her responsibility to diffuse him. He should be able to diffuse himself.

 

So my wife tosses a loaf of bread at me? I turn around and cold cock her. I'm justified? NO.

 

There is not good excuse to put your hands on someone else - unless it was self-defense.

 

He busted up her face. She couldn't leave her house. Stop blaming her, please.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[anika99]

By all means do what you must do but next time give someone the keys when they ask first, don't play stupid games about how it 'fell under the bed' and how he should look for it. You should have given him the keys when he poured the water over you then thought about your options afterwards (ie leaving him). Why provoke someone already very angry with passive aggressive stuff? Not smart.

 

And before anyone says, no I'm not victim blaming or saying this is all the OP's fault. I just think allowing a bad situation to escalate isn't the smart thing to do. You need to learn how to handle conflict OP so that you don't put yourself in danger in the future.

 

 

He had never physically abused her before and the OP had no idea he was going to assault her. Of course she became angry when he poured water over her. Who wouldn't? She didn't attack him, she told him she had dropped them on the floor and that he should find them himself. She had no idea at that point that he was capable of punching her in the face.

 

 

You are victim blaming. You are saying she provoked him and telling her what she should have done instead. If a bf of mine poured a cup of water on me while I was in bed and then started tearing my room apart I would react angrily too! Her reaction was normal. Now if she stays with this prick she will likely think twice before she stands up for herself again but hopefully she is done with him and never spends another second alone with him

[Haydn]

I understand her point.

 

It's still blaming the OP for her BF's actions.

 

If the OP gets hit again, then we can blame her.

 

Now is the time to support her to leave him, not to make her feel badly about a choice to argue (albeit childishly) with her BF. Who isn't guilt of arguing with a BF or GF?

 

It's not her responsibility to diffuse him. He should be able to diffuse himself.

 

So my wife tosses a loaf of bread at me? I turn around and cold cock her. I'm justified? NO.

 

There is not good excuse to put your hands on someone else - unless it was self-defense.

 

He busted up her face. She couldn't leave her house. Stop blaming her, please.

 

At what point did i blame her? There is no excuse for violence to a partner (Read my threads) I took it and stayed for too long.

 

I pointed out that Emilia was saying that you can diffuse situations rather than make the chance of bing `smacked` even higher. Yes the OP had no idea that she would be hit. And there is no excuse for that.

[anika99]

I understand her point.

 

It's still blaming the OP for her BF's actions.

 

If the OP gets hit again, then we can blame her.

 

Now is the time to support her to leave him, not to make her feel badly about a choice to argue (albeit childishly) with her BF. Who isn't guilt of arguing with a BF or GF?

 

It's not her responsibility to diffuse him. He should be able to diffuse himself.

 

So my wife tosses a loaf of bread at me? I turn around and cold cock her. I'm justified? NO.

 

There is not good excuse to put your hands on someone else - unless it was self-defense.

 

He busted up her face. She couldn't leave her house. Stop blaming her, please.

 

Exactly! The OP came here asking if this was really abuse or not and wondering if she should forgive him. This is not the time to start giving her reasons to excuse her bf's behavior by telling her she provoked him and that she should have handled the situation better. What a bunch of BS!

 

 

Of course in a perfect world we would all be 100% calm and level headed at all times and know how to expertly diffuse every situation, even in the face of being personally attacked, ie having water poured over our heads, but most of us are not that perfect. Most of us have had weak moments where we let our emotions take over and we fight back. Big freaking deal! The OP cannot be held accountable for her BF's lack of control and she should not have to spend every moment tip toeing around people just in case they might go psycho and freaking punch her in the face. There is never a good reason for a man to punch a woman in the face unless he fears for his life. That her bf made that choice is 100% on him and can not in any way be blamed on the OP.

[Haydn]

Exactly! The OP came here asking if this was really abuse or not and wondering if she should forgive him. This is not the time to start giving her reasons to excuse her bf's behavior by telling her she provoked him and that she should have handled the situation better. What a bunch of BS!

 

 

Of course in a perfect world we would all be 100% calm and level headed at all times and know how to expertly diffuse every situation, even in the face of being personally attacked, ie having water poured over our heads, but most of us are not that perfect. Most of us have had weak moments where we let our emotions take over and we fight back. Big freaking deal! The OP cannot be held accountable for her BF's lack of control and she should not have to spend every moment tip toeing around people just in case they might go psycho and freaking punch her in the face. There is never a good reason for a man to punch a woman in the face unless he fears for his life. That her bf made that choice is 100% on him and can not in any way be blamed on the OP.

 

I agree, but i still don`t see Emilia or anyone blaming the OP.

[Tayla]

I am a human being who is entailed to feel and express my emotions. I am neither his slave nor his mother if I tell you to look for your belonging especially after I had but so disrespected I don't really feel like that's provoking the situation! I was edging to feeling like it was my fault but only for grabbing him not for what I said.

 

Also he doesn't have a different story to tell cos when he re-entered the room I told him that he put his hands on me for keys that were just under the bed. He replied saying he was sorry that the only reason he didn't look for it well is cos he thought I was hiding it. Cos he joking hid my purse the night before, he thought it was my revenge to hide the keys. Childish I know but Who says a 26yr old is fully grown.

 

okay, thanks for clarifying

You are absolutely entitled to your emotions , No one here said you weren't.

 

Emilia and Haydn both seem to be fair and clear sighted...worth reflecting on when things are less hazy .

 

To Re-iterate- No one here is saying harming a person is acceptable. Take each issue categorically and understand your part in it. Its just something to think about and change if necessary...or not.

[elaine567]

Emilia is using a common victim-blaming statement as regards domestic abuse.

If she hadn't provoked him, she wouldn't have been hit...

 

Similarly, if she hadn't been wearing that short skirt, she wouldn't have been raped...

Read.

Avoiding Victim Blaming « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness

[Rainbowlove]

At what point did i blame her? There is no excuse for violence to a partner (Read my threads) I took it and stayed for too long.

 

I pointed out that Emilia was saying that you can diffuse situations rather than make the chance of bing `smacked` even higher. Yes the OP had no idea that she would be hit. And there is no excuse for that.

 

I wasn't referring to you, Hayden.

[pteromom]

Call the police and have them escort you to his place to retrieve your things.

 

Ignore him - BUT - if he contacts you and begs and pleads, tell him that you will consider talking with him about reconciliation if he goes into counseling and anger management. And that when his counselor feels it is safe for you to be around him, to have the COUNSELOR call you and bring you into a session.

 

That way, it puts the ball in his court. He knows exactly what he has to do if he wants another chance with you.

 

(And he won't do it anyway - they never do.)

[Els]

OP, I'm glad you feel comforted by our responses. You are correct, the blame for abuse is solely on the abuser. Unless you were explicitly threatening his safety (like, say, waving a knife at his face) there is NO excuse for him punching you in the eye. Regardless of how annoying and childish you were being, the appropriate response on his side would have been to dump you on the spot, not resort to violence.

 

But this doesn't address the main issue here.

Are you going to call the police and go NC with him???? That is the most important thing.

[Tayla]

Emilia is using a common victim-blaming statement as regards domestic abuse.

If she hadn't provoked him, she wouldn't have been hit...

 

Similarly, if she hadn't been wearing that short skirt, she wouldn't have been raped...

Read.

Avoiding Victim Blaming « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness

 

Agree- She did provoke the scenario.

Agree- She is NOT responsible for his actions.

Agree- BOTH persons were present and accounted for during the confrontation.

 

100% disagree that Emilia made any reference to victim blaming.

 

Hope this clears things up and the OP gets some help in sorting thru her part in this, sometimes we inadvertently create a problem and not a solution.

[elaine567]

Tayla, you are not really on board with the whole victim blaming concept.

 

"Example of Victim-Blaming Attitude: “She must have provoked him into being abusive. They both need to change.”

 

Reality: This statement assumes that the victim is equally to blame for the abuse, when in reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser. Abusers have a choice in how they react to their partner’s actions. Options besides abuse include: walking away, talking in the moment, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, breaking up, etc. Additionally, abuse is not about individual actions that incite the abuser to hurt the victim/survivor, but rather about the abuser’s feelings of entitlement to do whatever s/he wants to his/her partner.When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse and say that both people need to change, they are taking away responsibility from the perpetrator, thereby colluding with/supporting the abusive partner and making it less likely that the survivor will seek support."

[Satu]

"Now look what you've made me do."

 

[anika99]

Agree- She did provoke the scenario.

Agree- She is NOT responsible for his actions.

Agree- BOTH persons were present and accounted for during the confrontation.

 

100% disagree that Emilia made any reference to victim blaming.

 

Hope this clears things up and the OP gets some help in sorting thru her part in this, sometimes we inadvertently create a problem and not a solution.

 

 

Telling the victim that she/he provoked the attack is the very definition of victim blaming. Look it up.

[Rainbowlove]

Agree- She did provoke the scenario.

Agree- She is NOT responsible for his actions.

Agree- BOTH persons were present and accounted for during the confrontation.

 

100% disagree that Emilia made any reference to victim blaming.

 

Hope this clears things up and the OP gets some help in sorting thru her part in this, sometimes we inadvertently create a problem and not a solution.

 

You have to wonder if people even read her original post.

 

He dragged her off the bed.

 

He pinned her down.

 

He punched her in the face.

 

Bc she threw keys and told him to find them himself. And put her hands on his back in an attempt to stop him from destroying her place.

 

She could have told him to go F a pig, and he needs to keep his pansy hands to himself.

 

Big man hitting a girl. Loser if you ask me.

Edited February 6, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Haydn]

I think when someone you `love` suddenly lashes out in a violent way, out of the blue and is totally out of character with whom the person you think you have known is a total shock.

 

First time i took a battering, i knew i was not to blame but i told myself it was a `one off` (Stupid)

 

I hope the OP does not hang around to find out. If you stay long enough `You` do blame yourself.

 

And i agree that the police should be informed, it sounds like a vicious assault.

[Friskyone4u]

I read the title of your thread and did not have to read any more.

This one is simple and not confusing at all.

 

Stop being bewildered and make him your EX BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!

[Tayla]

Telling the victim that she/he provoked the attack is the very definition of victim blaming. Look it up.

 

Sorry! I call it being accountable for ones' actions and behavior, look it up, its called being an adult. Own it.

[Rainbowlove]

Sorry! I call it being accountable for ones' actions and behavior, look it up, its called being an adult. Own it.

 

Have you ever been hit in the face by a boyfriend or husband?

 

If so, what did you do to deserve it?

 

Or to use your words how did you "provoke and antagonize" the situation?

Edited February 6, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Tayla]

Have you ever been hit in the face by a boyfriend or husband?

 

If so, what did you do to deserve it?

 

Or to use your words how did you "provoke and antagonize" the situation?

 

yes.

 

and this post is going off topic, so lets keep the support on the OP. Thanks for advocating on this.!

[contact1]

I haven't read all the posts but I am sure many are in support of leaving your bf due to this abuse. Let me share my story, as a man.

 

I am in the middle of leaving my wife soon and there have been countless times she has been abusive to me, both verbal and sometimes physical, in where she would throw things at me, a cell phone, remote control, plate of food, etc.

 

I will not lie, there have been many times, in the heat of it all, that I wanted to just punch or slap her in the face to "put her in her place". But I never did. No matter how much she pushed my buttons, I never resorted to physical attacks, even when I was on the receive end of said attacks. I would always just remove myself, take a drive or a walk, whatever before I did something stupid on my end.

 

I did so because of my beliefs in that violence is not something that should be used to "solve" a situation, unless it is life threatening. But at the same time, because I would "take" the physical abusive my STBXW would throw at me, this in a sense gave her the "it is okay" for her to act that way towards me, by staying with her as long as I have.

 

If you do take him back, you will be giving him the okay to act in that manner. Don't take him back, because you will be going through what I have gone through, walking on eggshells hoping not to set your partner off into another argument.