how to keep affair history secret if affair turns into relationship?

[FireandIce007]

First find out for sure if he's divorcing his wife. Assuming he is and you want to minimize discovery, you have to be under the radar at all times. I would eliminate text messages, emails, face time, calling on cell because most of these things can be tracked/logged, especially if they share the same phone account. Limit your talks during work hours. I would eliminate contact during the weekends as much as possible until things get finalized between them. You don't want any paper trails, nothing that will lead back to you. Pay everything in cash and keep no receipts. Many people make the mistake of leaving receipts in their pocket and not deleting any of their logs or browsers.

The only thing that will guarantee you not being discovered is to not be involved with him at all but if that's not going to happen than keep things low key. If he's serious about building something with you, it will work out. Are you sure its a good idea to get involved with him during this time? He doesn't want to take time out for himself to heal and possibly reflect on his life and his future? Really think about this and discuss it with him. I'd hate for you to waste valuable time and in the end he decides to remain married or be single for the time being. You both really need a heart to heart. Your time is just as valuable as his. Wishing you the best!

[MissBee]

I know of exactly this situation that "worked out" (ie was successfully kept a secret) - twice!

 

 

A man I knew had an affair and eventually left his wife and married the OW, without his BW ever finding out. I attended the wedding of the MM and his 2nd wife. Several years later the MM had yet another A and his 2nd wife was devastated when he left her. By this time they had children. To the best of my knowledge the 2nd wife and former OW, still does not know that he was having an A with his current partner, while still in his 2nd marriage.

 

So how did you end up knowing? Were you close friends?

 

Edited to add: I saw you responded to this earlier.

[Bootsie]

So how did you end up knowing? Were you close friends?

 

Edited to add: I saw you responded to this earlier.

 

 

Not really close to me, but my then partner worked with the MM and the OW and we all socialised together, with others that also worked there. The BW however had young children so she wasn't often around. The A basically grew out of Friday night drinks, and the MM confided in my partner, because they were friends. We were close enough that I was invited to the wedding, and have remained in loose contact since.

 

 

As to the original question about how to keep the affair a secret, the short answer is lie, lie, lie and deny, deny, deny...

[MJJean]

To be as brief as possible, I was a WS who married my AP.

 

Basically, I married a complete jerk that I was having casual sex with and got pregnant by due to birth control failure (antibiotic while on the Pill). A total "do the right thing" marriage. Both of us occasionally had affairs just to escape the bullshyte and get a little happiness in our lives.

 

I met my DH after I had decided to end my first marriage, but before I made it official with my ex. I met my AP/now DH in October. We started dating in December, I told my ex in January that I wanted a divorce. He stayed in the basement until February when he moved to his mothers house.

 

I am one of those that thinks the truth eventually gets found out or at least guessed at. Lying or omitting makes that eventuality even more complicated and painful than it has to be.

 

I never tried to hide my relationship from anybody. I told my ex first so that he would understand I was serious and that I had moved on. Then I told family and friends here and there over the following weeks as I saw them. I was honest with the kids, too. Heck, I even told my in-laws.

 

My AP/now DH also never tried to hide our relationship. He told all of his friends and family that I was married and that I was leaving my husband for him. Never heard a peep about it from any of them.

 

I didn't have to deal with gossip or anything of the sort because I wasn't trying to hide anything, so people cared a LOT less than they would have if there would have been a nice, juicy, mystery to figure out.

 

I did get some flack from a couple family members, but most of them understood.

 

My DH and I have been together 15 years now, married 12. The minor disapproval of a few family members died out a long time ago. And I never had to fear discovery or dread the day it all came out.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Yeah my sister tried this. Let me tell you how it worked out for her.

 

 

She came to me one day telling me she wasn't in love with her husband anymore, that she wanted to leave him after 11 years together because it just wasn't working. Asked if she could come and stay with me while she figures out what she is going to do. Husband and I agree, but stress to her that she needs to at least attend counselling with her husband because she made a commitment and needs to ride that out before pulling the pin. I don't advocate staying in a bad marriage, but they do take work, so she should try before declaring it dead. AFter 11 years, what's a few counselling session, right?

 

 

In the meantime, she had started to pave the way for this "friend"... mentioning him causally in passing - he was her friend at work. That was all. But then my other sister and I noticed him popping up occasionally on her Facebook posts...nothing inappropriate, more just a casual curiosity about who this guy was.

 

 

So, she leaves husband, tells him she is staying with me. Moves some of her stuff in, and then leaves my place saying she is staying with a girlfriend for the night. In the meantime, brother in laws spidery senses are alerted. He knows his marriage is on the rocks, but her behaviour has been strange and she just up and left with little warning, no counselling, and not really any fighting. So.... he drives past my house and notices her car is not parked at my house at 11pm at night - where she said she would be. He gets suspicious. He hires a private investigator.

 

 

In the week after she left their home, the investigator clocked her at OM's house 4 times - usually on her way home from work - she was leaving work early, going to his house and then coming back home.

 

 

The final clincher was a Friday night. SHe told me she was out with a girlfriend. Her husband drove past OMs house at 11pm and her car was parked out the front. He went home, hefty bagged the rest of her shot and waited...AT 6am he drove past OMs house and her car was still there. He was done.

 

He called my other sister and exposed the affair to the family, then exposed to all their mutual friends. She came home unaware that he knew to "pick up a couple of things" and he confronted her. He was done she called me to help move her out that day. She left for OM.

 

Fallout? She's a liar. I always knew she was, and this was just the ultimate. She chose OM, went on to have a baby with him and found out when baby was 3 weeks old that OM had been cheating on her with another MOW since BEFORE she left her husband. He has also had several online EAs and also sent me inappropriate messages via Facebook when she was 9 months pregnant. My sister was also NT his first affair, which she didn't find out until after baby was born. She lost ALL her friends and had to start over. When she found out he also cheated on her, she lost some more friends when she decided to go back to him and make it work... even OMs sisters were saying to him "what did you expect?" She chose a lying cheater over her husband - and that is what she got.

 

So yeah, she thought she was clever and she would be able to conceal her affair, but her husband was actually suspicious before she moved out. Once she left, he needed confirmation that he wasn't going crazy because she gaslit the crap out of him. He KNEW something wasn't right...

 

 

Now? She's miserable. In a relationship where she is trying to pull it together for her baby, but there is no trust. SHe monitors the crape out of everything and she has moments where she completely breaks down with grief. She's trying to hold it together but really I think its just a matter of time. Her life sucks. She knows it. She has a lot of regret.

 

 

ETA - In case its not clear - I have lost all respect for her, and I HATE him. We don't socialise any more and our kids rarely get to hang out. Everything that comes out of my sisters mouth is a lie. Our family was torn apart by our parents infidelity and she turned out just like them. I have no sympathy

Edited February 3, 2015 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[Sub]

I think even if families and friends get back to normal with someone they love who they discovered had an A, I don't know if it's ever really the same again. Things seem normal between my family and my brother, whose A was discovered about three years ago. We all love him, pretty much treat him the same. But there will always be something in the undercurrent. I was his lone sounding board while he and his W separated and he swore up and down that he wasn't cheating. I was there every second, heard every word he had to say, gave him advice, supported him. And then, the words "I've been lying to you." And even then - as I was going through my own troubled M after discovering my WW's A three months prior - I stuck by him. And I still do. He's my big brother, one of my best friends. But he's also still kind of an a**hole for doing what he did, the way he did it.

[miseenscene]

Husband and I agree, but stress to her that she needs to at least attend counselling with her husband because she made a commitment and needs to ride that out before pulling the pin. I don't advocate staying in a bad marriage, but they do take work, so she should try before declaring it dead. AFter 11 years, what's a few counselling session, right?

 

This read like a morality tale, and it seems that you (and your husband) have very specific beliefs about marriage as an institution, since it sounds like you made her stay with you conditional on her attending counseling and trying to fix her marriage? Forgive me if I misunderstood what you were trying to say. But if that is the case, I can't really relate to that way of thinking. I know there is a "pro-marriage" mindset, it's just very alien to me.

 

In any case, what happened with your sister is not the scenario I am asking about--it sounds like she went to play house with the other man and was not discreet about it while her husband perceived the marriage to be on the rocks, rather than understood it to be over. So in her case, her affair was discovered before the marriage was over.

 

I am sorry the whole situation was so traumatic for your family.

[miseenscene]

I think even if families and friends get back to normal with someone they love who they discovered had an A, I don't know if it's ever really the same again. Things seem normal between my family and my brother, whose A was discovered about three years ago. We all love him, pretty much treat him the same. But there will always be something in the undercurrent. I was his lone sounding board while he and his W separated and he swore up and down that he wasn't cheating. I was there every second, heard every word he had to say, gave him advice, supported him. And then, the words "I've been lying to you." And even then - as I was going through my own troubled M after discovering my WW's A three months prior - I stuck by him. And I still do. He's my big brother, one of my best friends. But he's also still kind of an a**hole for doing what he did, the way he did it.

 

Thank you. I understand that the fall-out from secrecy and lying can drive a wedge between friends and family members.

[whichwayisup]

it is my deep hope that his wife does not find out that he was involved in an affair prior to leaving.

 

Is he on board with this too or is this your desire? I can understand on some level that you don't want to face the consequences and fallout of having an affair but realistically, this IS how you two got together. I didn't realize that you 'know' his wife as well, since you all are in the same type of professional job so paths have been crossed.

 

Respectfully, to look so far ahead and worry about something that hasn't happened yet (has he even had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you, I want a divorce" conversation yet with his wife?) takes away from today and the now. Whatever is gonna happen, will happen. It is out of your hands.

[scatterd]

From what I have seen the truth usually comes out after Divorce. Many times the Wife can feel when their husband cheats and will be waiting for for the woman to show up with him. If it does come to light it will cause tension in the future with relationships. Just out of concern do you know what happens to relationships that are based on lies? You can look it up but the chances of making it is not good. Not to be rude but why would you get rid of one cheater just to be with another one? We like to think we are different and they would never do the same to us but it comes down to the person having character flaws and a problem with boundary's and so on.. He may leave his wife but the consequences are not always good or anything like we think I hope you are considering this. Good Luck

[Bootsie]

This read like a morality tale, and it seems that you (and your husband) have very specific beliefs about marriage as an institution, since it sounds like you made her stay with you conditional on her attending counseling and trying to fix her marriage? Forgive me if I misunderstood what you were trying to say. But if that is the case, I can't really relate to that way of thinking. I know there is a "pro-marriage" mindset, it's just very alien to me.

 

In any case, what happened with your sister is not the scenario I am asking about--it sounds like she went to play house with the other man and was not discreet about it while her husband perceived the marriage to be on the rocks, rather than understood it to be over. So in her case, her affair was discovered before the marriage was over.

 

I am sorry the whole situation was so traumatic for your family.

 

 

It looks like the situations I described are two of the few where it's actually the scenario you're asking about. That is, affair goes undiscovered and affair partners go on to have an open relationship.

 

 

I would guess it's still not what you really want to hear though. However bear in mind that people who are good at deception, gaslighting and concealing unpleasant truths usually have a lot of practice with a lot of nasty secrets to hide.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

This read like a morality tale, and it seems that you (and your husband) have very specific beliefs about marriage as an institution, since it sounds like you made her stay with you conditional on her attending counseling and trying to fix her marriage? Forgive me if I misunderstood what you were trying to say. But if that is the case, I can't really relate to that way of thinking. I know there is a "pro-marriage" mindset, it's just very alien to me.

 

In any case, what happened with your sister is not the scenario I am asking about--it sounds like she went to play house with the other man and was not discreet about it while her husband perceived the marriage to be on the rocks, rather than understood it to be over. So in her case, her affair was discovered before the marriage was over.

 

I am sorry the whole situation was so traumatic for your family.

 

 

No... as I predicted (given by your responses throughout this thread) you've listen to some parts but not others and haven't really seen the point.

 

My sister was welcome to stay at my place while she figured her life out. It was NOT conditional. What I didn't appreciate was being used as a cover for her ongoing affair and to have her repeatedly lie to my face. See, its not just spouses who are betrayed - everyone is. My brother in law actually questioned if I knew about the affair and was helping her conceal it from him. That was not cool. The amount of lying that goes on to EVERYONE to conceal affairs is astronomical. Its not only the BS who feels duped. As I specifically said, I DO NOT advocate staying in a bad marriage, but all marriages take work - I don't believe in just declaring it dead before at least checking for a pulse or some signs of life. That's how mature relationships work - you communicate and work through your problems, don't you think?

 

She did not go play house with her OM. She left her husband for him and tried to play it off that she wasn't happy in the marriage and tried to conceal her 18 month affair. SHe had moved out and told her husband she was done.... But her husband got suspicious. He'd known her for 11 years. Knows how she thinks, how she reacts in certain situation, lows her values, knows HER. Things didn't add up. Things were bad, but he didn't think they were that bad. He looked for a REASON... an EXPLANATION... He found it. All the efforts to conceal and all of it blew up in her face... And it wasn't just the affair part - it was the lengths she went to to to LIE to all our faces, to deceive - friends and family. If she had just fessed up and owned it that would have been something, but she was a coward and a liar and that's how we see her now. She lost any integrity she my have been able to salvage for continuing to lie, just not in the wake of DDay, but also the way she has created a new narrative around how they became a couple.

 

FYI - the truth always comes out.... eventually. I only discovered a year ago that my mother had an affair 35 years ago on my father.... Changed how I view her too.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

To add - you seem to be clutching for reasons as to why other people's experience wont apply to you, or why your case may be different. If you've read enough around here as you claim, you'll realise its really not. It's just another MM with a single OW eating the cake that you willingly serve up. As long as you don't force him to decide, he wont.

 

 

But I wish you luck

[miseenscene]

I would guess it's still not what you really want to hear though.

 

Actually it is exactly what I want to hear--the experiences of those kinds of outcomes and practical details that made them possible.

[MissBee]

Miseenscene,

 

More people will probably come forward but thus far, it seems most people, the ones here who ended up with their APs, did not go the route of pretending they just met or completely lying and denying altogether. It seems that for the most part they were honest about it, at least on a need to know basis and didn't try to stage an elaborate "we just met a year later" plan.

 

Like I said initially, you may have to revisit this when you have a more concrete situation to work with as for now it is all speculative. I get you're trying to preempt the fall out and have it be as conflict-free as possible, but I think avoiding conflict is often a major reason why people end up in As or make things worse for themselves (thinking of course that they are making it better).

 

If and when he does leave it is up to him to be truthful or not. Has he asked you/discussed this idea of hiding it with you? Or is it something you're preemptively researching on your own? You of course can choose to tell or not tell others if you want, but I'm assuming how he chooses to deal with his family and kids is something he has to choose for himself as he has a bigger obligation to them than you do.

 

Ending a marriage is not easy even with no affair. I don't think he should announce he is leaving to be with you and I don't think there will be a warm reception to the affair news, but I'd try for tact and taking it slowly versus lies, denials, made up stories and fake coming out. Like others have mentioned, you cannot control people's perceptions, no matter how you try, you haven't a clue who has been suspicious or will put two and two together and it's probably best to take it in stride and own it and allow it to blow over than expecting that there is some conflict-free way (dependent on denials and lies) to transition.

 

It seems those who transitioned like I said, from this thread, and the OW turned current wives/SOs around here, didn't go above and beyond in the end to pretend they just met. Was it all smooth sailing? Not necessarily, but it was honest and people got over it (or didn't) and although you claim to be completely fine with having to lie your whole lives, really? Sometimes it seems our fear of conflict and our insistence on going above and beyond to avoid it puts us in more conflict, emotionally if nothing else, than if we just dealt with the conflict which eventually has an ending. They may hate you forever as the OW or hate you for 5 years or 1 year or not at all, you don't know, so might as well aim for tact, taking it slow and truth, than thinking lies and denials will ultimately save the day, because if those lies and denials come out, which you cannot control, you'll just end up adding more betrayal on top of it if say you pretended to have just met and have rehearsed your story and then it comes out no, you were in an A this whole time, I mean....that's a whole new news to process versus if people already figured it or you were honest on a need to know basis about it and then went on from there.

[miseenscene]

To add - you seem to be clutching for reasons as to why other people's experience wont apply to you, or why your case may be different. If you've read enough around here as you claim, you'll realise its really not. It's just another MM with a single OW eating the cake that you willingly serve up. As long as you don't force him to decide, he wont.

 

 

But I wish you luck

 

I am really not. You are projecting that onto my posts. If you read back through my replies, I have said literally nothing about how I think things will work out for me or that I think my case is somehow exceptional. I actually said very little about the relationship itself. As I said--I wanted to hear from people who have successfully transitioned in the way I described. That is all. It does not mean I think it will work out that way for me.

 

Thank you for the good wishes.

[miseenscene]

Thank you, MissBee, those are good points.

[MJJean]

Thank you, MissBee, those are good points.

To add some detail to MissBee's points..

 

If you try to conceal the relationship you will eventually slip up. Then all hell will break loose. This is especially true with kids.

 

Imagine this. You and your MM are now openly together and the kids think you started dating after the divorce. You're washing dishes and the kids are hanging out doing whatever they like to do. Then you, forgetting they are there or forgetting the story they were fed, say something like "Honey, it's been X years! I know you like 3 spoons of sugar in your coffee." Then a kid does the math and VOILA! Hell on Earth.

 

There are hundreds of ways you could accidentally out yourselves. Best to just face the facts head on and deal with any fallout on and after D-Day.

 

Oh, and I do have an example of someone who tried to conceal! I almost forgot about her!

 

I met a lady online we'll call T. She was married to a man we'll call M. M was a cop and worked nights or swing shifts. He went from gung-ho family man and catholic to all of a sudden wanting a separation and leaving his faith.

 

T wanted counseling. M went but kept complaining about the counselors and swore there was no one else. M told T it just wasn't working and he left. Moved in with his parents. Then, a couple months later, got his own place. .

 

A month or so goes by and he's seen on a date. That was enough to make T suspicious. She starts looking at phone records and credit card bills. She looks through the papers and receipts he left at the house. She figures out that he was seeing the other woman, went to movies with her, and bought her a necklace while they were still married.

 

T has since outed him and his AP to everyone. Let's just say they aren't as popular as they used to be.

[Bootsie]

Actually it is exactly what I want to hear--the experiences of those kinds of outcomes and practical details that made them possible.

 

Well the practical details are a lot of lies, dishonesty and deception and perhaps some level of luck or chance that nothing gives you away or others don't spill the beans. I notice you call it being discreet. You've indicated you can "do" that. If you and he are both on the same page with the lying, you might be able to pull it off, but you risk him doing it to you in future IMO. No more from me on this!

[Josmatjes]

I don't have a plan. I have an idea, or a hope for how things would turn out, with minimal hurt or hard feelings. That is why I am interested to hear what has worked and not worked for others, what helped smooth things over and what backfired. If his wife is suspicious and hires and PI, there is nothing to be done, I guess, but if there is a way other people have minimized suspicions in such situations, it would be helpful to hear. We are very discreet and very few of our friends know about it--the couple that do already keep that secret for us. None of them are in a situation where they might have conflicted loyalties.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

Me and mm had the same plan. To get separated, divorced, wait 6 months then start dating....but life threw us a curve all.....we got caught, everyone found out....it's 9 months now and it still hurts that we are officially over.. Our so called love couldn't handle the stress..... So in that respect I'm glad I'm not with him..l. I want real love that withstands everything....

[Sassy Girl]

Hey OP

 

 

My father left the marriage under the guise that he just wasn't happy. There was no one else. Moved into his own apartment. Even was trying to "reconcile" with my mother (or at least look like it)

 

Then one day, we were driving around Dad's part of town and I asked if we could pop in and say Hi. He and my mother had been amicable, no animosity with the separation- they had just "grown apart" and were just trying to work through things.

 

 

Well, the surprise was on my mother when we knocked on the door and there was a Dad, with the work colleague (who my mother had also known), enjoying a romantic moment replete with wine and her overnight bag. Busted.

 

 

My mother was heartbroken. Then angry. The 'amicable' separation turned into the divorce from hell. It was very ugly.

 

 

Now I'm a MOW, so IM not going to throw stones, but it appears that trying to cover lies with more lies means a perpetual state of just waiting for that shoe to drop. I would think if you wanted to be in an open and honest relationship, that its probably better for your own sanity to come clean about it all. After all, you really haven't learnt anything if the lying continues. I guess it all depends on how much of your integrity you want to reclaim for the future? Is the lying and the affair an aberration of your values and behaviour - or will it become the norm?

 

 

Just my $0.02

[goodyblue]

I wanted to point out, Miss Bee, that although we told those who we felt needed to know, but we didn't shout it around town, certainly kept it quiet as my guy is a prominent member of our community. And I really wish his ex didnt know. It really is not fun, the things she says to her children and the awful emails she sends. But, i think at least she knows it is well and truly over. I don't know if I could have hidden it from our families, but her? I wish she had never found out. I also, however, realize that is selfish on my part and I have been selfish enough. I honestly don't know which would have been better for her. I know that my guy and i have been/are willing to take whatever comes with our decision, good or bad and stand together. I think that is what a lot of people don't have ehen they begin as an affair. One or the other jumps ship.

[jellybean89]

Is he on board with this too or is this your desire? I can understand on some level that you don't want to face the consequences and fallout of having an affair but realistically, this IS how you two got together. I didn't realize that you 'know' his wife as well, since you all are in the same type of professional job so paths have been crossed.

 

Respectfully, to look so far ahead and worry about something that hasn't happened yet (has he even had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you, I want a divorce" conversation yet with his wife?) takes away from today and the now. Whatever is gonna happen, will happen. It is out of your hands.

 

whichway, you must have overlooked in the first post that the MM is "in the process of figuring out" if he is just enjoying his cake or if he wants to take a risk on an actual out-in-the open relationship with the OW. No need for him to have that type of talk with his wife (ILYBNILWY type of talk). He is just enjoying a wife and an OW, since it has been going on 1.5 years so far.

 

To add - you seem to be clutching for reasons as to why other people's experience wont apply to you, or why your case may be different. If you've read enough around here as you claim, you'll realise its really not. It's just another MM with a single OW eating the cake that you willingly serve up. As long as you don't force him to decide, he wont.

 

Ditto

[spookysonata]

yes, I am prepared to do that.

 

I'm sorry. That sounds sad and exhausting.

[the_artist_1970]

Thank you. I understand that the fall-out from secrecy and lying can drive a wedge between friends and family members.

 

The fall out from lying and secrecy can also drive a wedge between you and MM in that he will see just how good of a liar you are and how you are onboard with keeping deep dark secrets which could impact his trust level/sense of security in you. I know that oftentimes it is these traits that a woman does in hope of getting the man away from another woman but in the end the man finds out that he really wants someone who has integrity and honor in their words even if he doesn't tell the OW that. Being so well at being a liar/cheater and working so hard on it can come back to haunt you even with your "partner in crime" (MM). It's what a lot of APs don't recognize in the end.