kris101231 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Keep in mind, feelings just don't disappear. But, if she doesn't want to talk or listen to you right now, respect that. In the meantime, work on yourself. Figure out how you can better yourself so you are ready for the next relationship that comes your way - whether it is with her or without her. If it's meant to be, you'll hear back from her. As a female myself who left a long and serious relationship, I still care about my ex. But the relationship has to be healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kris101231 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Oh, but I'm not saying you didn't have reasons to walk away. That's not what I'm saying. Nobody should should tolerate abusive relationships. You could have been Mother Theresa, and him, Hitler. It doesn't change a thing. You called it quits, and now you're sad he didn't chase you. That IS selfish. And the reason people are able to give great advices sometimes is exactly because they didn't walk in your shoes. They come from another set of experience, and have a new angle on the issue. Don't resort to that excuse, because if you only look for answers from always the same way of thinking, you'll always receive the same kind of answers. You don't figure out a solution to a problem by thinking the same way you did when you created it. You're right, I apologize for being defensive. Thank you for the perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Mental and emotional health hinges on the acceptance of reality as it is in the present, and successfully adapting to it. In the present moment, you are a single person. It's not what you want, but thats the reality. So you have to adapt to it by restructuring your life. See it as an opportunity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I tried to fight for her but she doesn't want to hear it, she won't speak to me. i would do anything to get help to not hurt her again but she won't listen. That fight and what you said, was a deal breaker, pure and simple. She may have had thoughts she was going to leave anyway and the fight was the last straw, BUT she may have been very happy until that fight. Who knows? I doubt you will find out now. She has gone NC to protect herself. As someone else said, just because she seems like she has her act together doesn't mean she is not hurting. Dumpers can often hurt just as much as the dumpee, the only difference is that they decided the relationship needed to end, and that decision can sometimes be heart breaking and very hard for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 OP, I'm with Mtnbiker and Kinetica, this is not about the fight or what you said. She'd been thinking about breaking up with you a month before. Women are very crafty in these matters. They want you to feel responsible for the break up. My girl became moody and combative. Finally, I said to her, "H. what's up? Why are you acting like this? Are we breaking up?" Later she tried to turn things around and say, "well, you were the one who introduced the language of us breaking up!" As Mtnbiker said, go NC. Grieve. Heal. Find closure within yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Three1 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Keep in mind, feelings just don't disappear. But, if she doesn't want to talk or listen to you right now, respect that. In the meantime, work on yourself. Figure out how you can better yourself so you are ready for the next relationship that comes your way - whether it is with her or without her. If it's meant to be, you'll hear back from her. As a female myself who left a long and serious relationship, I still care about my ex. But the relationship has to be healthy. So NC until she contacts me, or reach out at some point later on? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 OP, I'm with Mtnbiker and Kinetica, this is not about the fight or what you said. She'd been thinking about breaking up with you a month before. Women are very crafty in these matters. They want you to feel responsible for the break up. My girl became moody and combative. Finally, I said to her, "H. what's up? Why are you acting like this? Are we breaking up?" Later she tried to turn things around and say, "well, you were the one who introduced the language of us breaking up!" Yes women do sometimes think long and hard for weeks, months before leaving, but sometimes something said, or some action can trigger leaving abruptly. She left immediately after the fight, thought about it for a few days and spectacularly left town. Maybe his words triggered a past relationship, where she stayed and it all went sour after being told to leave, maybe she is a woman who doesn't take kindly to being told to go, maybe she thought someone who really loved her wouldn't be telling her to pack her stuff and leave, would they? Some take things said in anger very literally, some can put up with just about anything. She seems a very put together person. A fight which ends with pack your stuff and go, sounds pretty serious and she took that as the death knell. I think if more people listened and acted on these clues, like she did, then many would be happier today and not stuck in dead end relationships. AND just because some exes acted in particular ways, doesn't mean every woman does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Three1 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Yes women do sometimes think long and hard for weeks, months before leaving, but sometimes something said, or some action can trigger leaving abruptly. She left immediately after the fight, thought about it for a few days and spectacularly left town. Maybe his words triggered a past relationship, where she stayed and it all went sour after being told to leave, maybe she is a woman who doesn't take kindly to being told to go, maybe she thought someone who really loved her wouldn't be telling her to pack her stuff and leave, would they? Some take things said in anger very literally, some can put up with just about anything. She seems a very put together person. A fight which ends with pack your stuff and go, sounds pretty serious and she took that as the death knell. I think if more people listened and acted on these clues, like she did, then many would be happier today and not stuck in dead end relationships. AND just because some exes acted in particular ways, doesn't mean every woman does. It wasn't a dead end relationship, it was a mistake and i have to learn to control what i say when i get angry. the fight wasn't a shouting match (never had one with her) we were both just being hard headed and escalating things and with how the argument was going in circles got frustrated. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 It wasn't a dead end relationship, it was a mistake and i have to learn to control what i say when i get angry. the fight wasn't a shouting match (never had one with her) we were both just being hard headed and escalating things and with how the argument was going in circles got frustrated. It must have been a serious fight for you to even think of telling her to leave, what was it about anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Three1 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 It must have been a serious fight for you to even think of telling her to leave, what was it about anyway? it really wasn't a big fight at all. the topic doesn't matter what got us both frustrated is how we were acting towards each other and not resolving anything, and i never wanted her to leave or thought about what i said before it slipped out. i was frustrated with how we were arguing not what we were arguing about. Like "if your going to be like that i want you out of here" but i truly didnt mean it as soon as i said it. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think what you were fighting about would shed light on this debate whether or not it was about the fight. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Three1 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think what you were fighting about would shed light on this debate whether or not it was about the fight. It was a fight about something that would never have led to relationship ending but we went back and forth getting frustrated we were going in circles, not getting each others point of view, contradicting attitudes instead of focusing on settling it. honestly it was something that should of been agree to disagree and dropped. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 If someone I truly love Hurt me with his words very badly It's so easy for me to toss him like he never existed 5 years from now I will never know why we had that fight but I still can't forgive him! we can be friends after 5 years But seriously not now! Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It was a fight about something that would never have led to relationship ending but we went back and forth getting frustrated we were going in circles, not getting each others point of view, contradicting attitudes instead of focusing on settling it. honestly it was something that should of been agree to disagree and dropped. Maybe she discovered you were not the man she always thought you were Example: Like if I am talking to a guy and we are talking about politics and then he says something so insensitive and heartless Like I don't care for Africa kids, or any other things I would get really mad I can't accept that he thinks this way this will hurt me badly how can he have this heartless way of thinking How can I be with him anymore He is so different from me I lose my respect to him I can still love him, but I can't really have the same feeling to him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Three1 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Maybe she discovered you were not the man she always thought you were Example: Like if I am talking to a guy and we are talking about politics and then he says something so insensitive and heartless Like I don't care for Africa kids, or any other things I would get really mad I can't accept that he thinks this way this will hurt me badly how can he have this heartless way of thinking How can I be with him anymore He is so different from me I lose my respect to him I can still love him, but I can't really have the same feeling to him! I see what your saying but its something I'm really working on to make sure it doesn't happen again and it's not something I want to keep doing to people that love me or I love not something I accept as who I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Kinetica84 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Mental and emotional health hinges on the acceptance of reality as it is in the present, and successfully adapting to it. In the present moment, you are a single person. It's not what you want, but thats the reality. So you have to adapt to it by restructuring your life. See it as an opportunity. Post of the year so far Great insight and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
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