Biere123 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 But loves me too. I am in shock. I know we have a bad marriage, but she has loved this man ever since high school, and they have engaged in an emotional affair. How on earth am I supposed to handle this? I feel so disrespected and that I'm not good enough. We have been in counseling for other issues and now this is front and center. Guidance? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I'm not good enough. You ARE good enough. But you might not be *right* for her if she's had these feelings since high school. Let her go - there will be someone out there for you for whom you ARE good enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 You need to end the affair, marriage counselling is a waste of money if she is still actively in an affair. Expose the affair to other man's wife or girlfriend. Take the romance out of the affair, exposure makes it what it really is, a nasty disgusting betrayal of her spouse and the highest form of disrespect one spouse can show another. Right now she is only giving you half her attention, the emotional attachment to O/M is eating up half your time. Your putting 100% into your marriage but she is only 50% in. Talk to a lawyer, you need to understand your rights so you can protect your children and your finances(sorry, did not read anywhere if you have children with her). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Expose her to everyone she knows including the OM's family and if he has a SO then kick your wife out. File for divorce and go No Contact with her until the court hearing. Let her sit and worry for a while. Clay 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 In your recent thread you say you've reconnected with an old flame and had an emotionally affair for six months and got caught. Now, you are upset that your wife is stuck on her old highschool boy friend and you feel disrespected. Is there a train somewhere in sight? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Best advise I got was to take care of myself and to do what I needed to do to get through the first few days and weeks. I left for a couple of days after DDay but then realized she was willing to comfort me and I needed that. I did not decide to stay or leave, just decided I'd accept her comfort for now. Your world is spinning and everyone here has been hurt by something like that and understands what your going through. I'm very sorry you are here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Hand her he belongings and tell her to go with the OM because you don't play second fiddle to anyone and close the door on her. Let her clean up her own mess and you take care of yourself. It's a slap in the face for her to do this to you and while she straddles the fence making her mind up, your the one going crazy. Put her in the hot seat and let her be the one steppin' and fetchen'. Why should you have to shoulder the burden. She doesn't get a choice in the matter, you do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 So.... First (as in all fairness, pointed out by Furious you post THIS thread....and this is the first post: wife and I have been married for 7 years, with a child...we haven't gotten along in the last four years I'd say. Recently reconnected with old flame that I've never gotten over, and we began an emotional relationship that has lasted 6 months or so. Both spouses have found out and are furious. We have had limited contact since, but we both know we love each other. Any guidance without judging? And now - without judging, mind.... you post this one.... But loves me too. I am in shock. I know we have a bad marriage, but she has loved this man ever since high school, and they have engaged in an emotional affair. How on earth am I supposed to handle this? I feel so disrespected and that I'm not good enough. We have been in counseling for other issues and now this is front and center. Guidance? You're a hypocrite, and I think you should both file for divorce. The lack of respect you two have for one another, and more importantly, your child, is astoundingly appalling. Not judging though. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Quite obviously there is a lack of respect. I just didn't expect that to happen to me. I didn't think she would ever do that. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I expect she didn't think you would either! Ever heard of "What's sauce for the goose...."? As I said, I think this is frankly an issue that has taken the relationship beyond the help of counselling, although I think you could both do with individual therapy to determine exactly why you would do such a thing to each other... I mean, once upon a time, you stood before an official, pledged love and " 'til death us do part" to one another. Patently, that meant nothing to either of you, or at least, not in a sufficiently earnest manner.... I'm quite serious. You need to separate, because this relationship is toxic, and your (plural) senses of entitlement are frightening. Your poor child, what a pair of two-faced, insincere and superficial parents he's ended up with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Your poor child, what a pair of two-faced, insincere and superficial parents he's ended up with. ^^^This ^^^ So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Is this beyond repair? How would we keep our family intact? Both of us are full of resentment and anger. We'd have to re-build from the ground up. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Ok, basic maths: Relationship = 100% You own - 50% She owns - 50% You are 100% responsible for your 50% She is 100% responsible for HER 50% Both of you need to put in 100% to salvage this. If you only put in 20%, she cannot also make up your additional shortfall of 30% If she only puts in 25%, you cannot also make up her additional shortfall of 25%. How much are you guys on the same page? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 @OP: You posted this on 1/27/2015: wife and I have been married for 7 years, with a child...we haven't gotten along in the last four years I'd say. Recently reconnected with old flame that I've never gotten over, and we began an emotional relationship that has lasted 6 months or so. Both spouses have found out and are furious. We have had limited contact since, but we both know we love each other. Any guidance without judging? You then posted this today (1/30/2015): But loves me too. I am in shock. I know we have a bad marriage, but she has loved this man ever since high school, and they have engaged in an emotional affair. How on earth am I supposed to handle this? I feel so disrespected and that I'm not good enough. We have been in counseling for other issues and now this is front and center. Guidance? If this is real, you both are in love with old flames and have engaged in emotional affairs (EA) with these old flames. In answer to you feeling "so disrespected" and that you are "not good enough" because of your spouse's EA, with both of you having EA's, it appears that neither you or your wife are good enough, as both of you disrespect each other. I feel sorry for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) That is virtually almost exactly what I wrote. (post 8) Have you read the thread, at all...? Edited January 30, 2015 by evanescentworld 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 That is virtually almost exactly what I wrote. (post 8) Have you read the thread, at all...? Sorry but I did not see your post before I posted mine, as I did not read the whole thread. Now that I have read your post, I think that it is brilliant! LOL!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 So the other day you were bragging about being in love with anther woman, who you say, you've always loved- and wanting to leave your marriage. Now you find out your wife is doing the same thing and you are disappointed in her, and now want to save the marriage. Is this correct? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 So the other day you were bragging about being in love with anther woman, who you say, you've always loved- and wanting to leave your marriage. Now you find out your wife is doing the same thing and you are disappointed in her, and now want to save the marriage. Is this correct? Obviously I missed this part before I commented on this post. Is it just me or is the world turning into one big Stanley Kubrick movie, fwak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 There's an obvious solution to your dilemma. Both you and your wife bring in your old flames, so you can have one big family! Ops, they do have spouses on their own? Ah.. Never mind... Bring 'em in, too. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Hypocrisy at it's best. You can do it, but she does the same and you're disappointed? Don't be a person with double standards. It's not nice. You both need to have an honest talk and decide what you want. If you both want to make the marriage work, at least you're on a level playing field. Neither one can take the moral high ground. Look for what led you both down this path If you making it is what you BOTH want. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I feel so disrespected and that I'm not good enough. So can I ask when you had your EA was your wife not good enough? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Oh come on! In your last you seem to despise your wife, are having an affair and want to divorce. Now she's having an affair! You should be delighted, you can leave with no guilt!! Why the hell are you upset that she is reacting to your 'bad' marriage in a similar way to you? Either this thread is a wind up or you are a teeny weensy bit of a hypocrite. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 It's an ego thing. I guess I'm narcissistic. I deserve to be bashed on the infidelity forum. I'm not saying what I did was right. Two wrongs don't make a right. At least I wasn't sending photos to the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Is this beyond repair? How would we keep our family intact? Both of us are full of resentment and anger. We'd have to re-build from the ground up. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both of you work to repair the problems. Both of you have done severe damage to this relationship. Now you both have to ask yourselves the question, "do you want to fix this relationship"? I would suggest that you two need to get by yourselves, without interruption from others and have a very serious conversation about how you both feel and how you move forward. This is going to take brutal honesty with each other. Naturally, this should involve counseling to assist you and serve as the honest broker in the deal. This won't be easy, so you both have to be full committed. If one of you is unsure or not all in, then your chance of reconciliation is extremely rare. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 The finer details are irrelevant. The bottom line is that you're both as bad as each other. Do your respective families now how you're behaving? And address my question above: Are you both equally invested in a recovery, or is this dead in the water? Link to post Share on other sites
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