Confessions of a female serial cheater

[jbrent890]

This is well-intended, but very naive. Having one A is not the same as a pattern. No matter what kind of "light" a serial cheater seems to have seen, breaking that pattern requires hard work and almost always counseling. And for a person of conscience, keeping that kind of secret will exacerbate the problem.

 

Not to mention it doesn't exhibit any personal growth. When you don't confess, you're only doing what you set out to do: take a break from the relationship (while still getting things out of it), cheat, end it, and hope you don't get caught. Let's be honest here, the cheater gets everything they want when they don't confess, but it's masked with "I feel guilty." Give me a break.

[bubbaganoosh]

What the OP has done is reprehensible, but this variation on "you shouldn't have worn that short skirt if you didn't want it" is disgusting.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that if you play these kinds of games with these guys, there's always one or two guys out there who don't think along rational lines. They live by their own rules and if they feel that their being taken for a ride in so many words than that's where the trouble starts. Granted most will walk away but not before giving a few choice words and then you have those one or two that do things different. Hell John Wayne Gacy was a clown at kids parties. That's what I meant

[Spectre]

So "truth" is better than happiness

 

Truth is neither better nor worse then happiness. It is what it is.

 

"truth" is better than little children having a life with both parents.

Better we all tell the whole truth, warts and all, so that those children can blame themselves for the divorce, so that they can grow up in a divided family.

 

Children will only blame themselves for the divorce if the parents give them a reason to do so.

 

Better to tell the truth and everybody be miserable... Lives ruined and over what?

 

As opposed to being blissfully ignorant? Why is that preferable? If someone is in a relationship it is not up to them to decide what the other person can or can not handle.

 

The OP is sorting herself out now, she made a lot of mistakes, her children should not have to suffer for them.

Having a husband leave due to the "true depths" is not helpful to her children and they should be her priority.

 

This is baloney. You don't get to hide your betrayals and lies behind your children, you don't get to use them as a shield for the bad choices you make. If this person cared so much about her children she wouldn't of cheated on their father in the first place. So if this is really all about the children, they need to be away from a mother who uses her own kids as an excuse to not tell about her banging other dudes.

[Gigigirl]

Truth is neither better nor worse then happiness. It is what it is.

 

 

 

Children will only blame themselves for the divorce if the parents give them a reason to do so.

 

 

 

As opposed to being blissfully ignorant? Why is that preferable? If someone is in a relationship it is not up to them to decide what the other person can or can not handle.

 

 

 

This is baloney. You don't get to hide your betrayals and lies behind your children, you don't get to use them as a shield for the bad choices you make. If this person cared so much about her children she wouldn't of cheated on their father in the first place. So if this is really all about the children, they need to be away from a mother who uses her own kids as an excuse to not tell about her banging other dudes.

 

Did you even read my thread before you just started saying crazy stuff. I AM NOT and have NEVER banged another dude. Keep your assumptions to yourself. Yes I "emotionally cheated" before I completely understood it is a real thing. If you read my thread then you would know my BF has caught me multiple times and seen messages with his own eyes, he didn't like those things but to HIM, in his own opinion he didn't think of it as cheating and neither did I. Of course I minimize to not hurt his feelings, that's human nature!!! But he knows I have flirted and talked to other guys when I shouldn't be. I can't take back what his eyes have seen. I'm not lying per se, I just don't go into detail/rug sweep. How can I when I still need to figure out why I do this?

[DKT3]

Did you even read my thread before you just started saying crazy stuff. I AM NOT and have NEVER banged another dude. Keep your assumptions to yourself. Yes I "emotionally cheated" before I completely understood it is a real thing. If you read my thread then you would know my BF has caught me multiple times and seen messages with his own eyes, he didn't like those things but to HIM, in his own opinion he didn't think of it as cheating and neither did I. Of course I minimize to not hurt his feelings, that's human nature!!! But he knows I have flirted and talked to other guys when I shouldn't be. I can't take back what his eyes have seen. I'm not lying per se, I just don't go into detail/rug sweep. How can I when I still need to figure out why I do this?

 

No, you minimize to protect yourself.

[MJJean]

I'm not lying per se, I just don't go into detail/rug sweep. How can I when I still need to figure out why I do this?

 

You don't have to understand why you're doing what you're doing to be honest with him about the extent of the EA's. In fact, all you have to do is explain that you have realized it's wrong and that you have tried to figure out why you do it, but you cannot so you're going into therapy and you've blocked and deleted all traces of your men.

 

No, you minimize to protect yourself.

 

Yes.

 

Saying you need to wait until you know why you do what you do is an excuse. You've realized your behavior is wrong and you feel like you should be honest with him, but you don't want to deal with consequences. So, you find an excuse to avoid telling him.

 

The truth is that even with therapy it could be years before you figure out your behavior. In fact, you might never know for sure. And why doesn't matter nearly as much as simply having the self-discipline to stop the behavior. By all means, seek help. But don't wait to be honest with your BF.

[Gigigirl]

No, you minimize to protect yourself.

 

To protect myself? From what exactly? Like I said my BF has read messages with his own eyes so there really isn't much protecting myself, whatever that means. He has already revenge flirted to teach me a lesson and my minimizing the situation sure didn't protect me from that ouchie so... I do minimize for his feelings I think because I do not want to tell him he is boring to talk to that I like a variety to talk to. that is mean and it may not be the issue.

 

And actually it is human nature to not want to hurt someone we love further if it's not necessary, think when you told your mom or dad a lie. In my mind after the times being caught, it was like he already saw what he saw, I admitted to it, at that point he has whatever conclusion he wants despite anything I say, why add to the already obvious hurt? I mean the fact I was talking to another guy and flirting was reason enough by itself to dump me on the spot despite whatever minimizing I did.

 

But that's neither here nor there because as I have already stated I will sit him down and explain in detail my deeper issues...but wait! Shouldn't I figure out what they are first? Crazy I know.

 

Thank you to everybody who left me actual advice and food for thought.

[autumnnight]

I'm not lying per se, I just don't go into detail/rug sweep. How can I when I still need to figure out why I do this?

 

This is a big part of the lying to yourself. I took a speech class in college, and the professor was horrid. When it came time for us to learn about a new kind of speechmaking, I skipped class. I lived at home (bad idea), and my mom asked me "what did you do in class today?" I answered, "Today he went through the spiel about persuasive speeches." I mean, technically, that was what he did. But I wasn't there, and I KNEW that was part of what she was asking. So yeah, I lied.

 

Omitting things and phrasing things in such a way that you KNOW it will leave an erroneous impression? That's lying.

[Gigigirl]

You don't have to understand why you're doing what you're doing to be honest with him about the extent of the EA's. In fact, all you have to do is explain that you have realized it's wrong and that you have tried to figure out why you do it, but you cannot so you're going into therapy and you've blocked and deleted all traces of your men.

 

 

 

Yes.

 

Saying you need to wait until you know why you do what you do is an excuse. You've realized your behavior is wrong and you feel like you should be honest with him, but you don't want to deal with consequences. So, you find an excuse to avoid telling him.

 

The truth is that even with therapy it could be years before you figure out your behavior. In fact, you might never know for sure. And why doesn't matter nearly as much as simply having the self-discipline to stop the behavior. By all means, seek help. But don't wait to be honest with your BF.

 

What it sounds like you guys want me to do is sit him down and tell him every gory detail, word for word my conversations because that's really all I have with these guys and I just don't find that helpful. He has seen my conversations with other guys, believe me he gets the gist.

 

Maybe that's what you would like but only I know my BF.

[MJJean]

What it sounds like you guys want me to do is sit him down and tell him every gory detail, word for word my conversations because that's really all I have with these guys and I just don't find that helpful. He has seen my conversations with other guys, believe me he gets the gist.

 

Maybe that's what you would like but only I know my BF.

 

You don't need to go into gory details. You just need to make sure he knows the true extent of the EA's. First, so he can decide if he is really ok with it and if he still wants to marry you. Second, so that he can offer help, support, and understanding as you get into therapy and work out where this behavior is coming from and how to avoid it in the future.

 

Trust me, if you do enter therapy you'll be confronting a lot of feelings. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions while working through your issues. It will affect your BF and kids. They should know your bad days are because you're feeling and dealing with your issues in order to be better for them.

[Spectre]

Did you even read my thread before you just started saying crazy stuff. I AM NOT and have NEVER banged another dude. Keep your assumptions to yourself. Yes I "emotionally cheated" before I completely understood it is a real thing. If you read my thread then you would know my BF has caught me multiple times and seen messages with his own eyes, he didn't like those things but to HIM, in his own opinion he didn't think of it as cheating and neither did I. Of course I minimize to not hurt his feelings, that's human nature!!! But he knows I have flirted and talked to other guys when I shouldn't be. I can't take back what his eyes have seen. I'm not lying per se, I just don't go into detail/rug sweep. How can I when I still need to figure out why I do this?

 

You are right no I did read the thread, but I guess "banging other dudes" was sort of like the go to thing I use when referring to cheating, I probably should of specified this was an emotional bang. Or I guess bang isn't the right word. Okay, enough about the word bang..what I am saying is, you are hiding behind an excuse by saying you can't tell him everything until you figure out why.

[Confused48]

What it sounds like you guys want me to do is sit him down and tell him every gory detail, word for word my conversations because that's really all I have with these guys and I just don't find that helpful. He has seen my conversations with other guys, believe me he gets the gist.

 

Maybe that's what you would like but only I know my BF.

 

You are right that only you know how to communicate to your man what you have done. What info does he need? Only You know for sure.

 

The fact that he is unwaveringly marching by your side to the altar tells me that you have not yet communicated effectively to him what you have done. When he says something like, "Oh my! Lets put a hold on the wedding while you (Gigi) figure out what you want and why you did what you did," then you can stop. Then you can assume he understands what you are saying about what you have done. Until then, keep talking. Maybe show him this thread.

[jphcbpa]

has anyone suggested SLAA?

 

http://www.slaafws.org/

[harrybrown]

To protect myself? From what exactly? Like I said my BF has read messages with his own eyes so there really isn't much protecting myself, whatever that means. He has already revenge flirted to teach me a lesson and my minimizing the situation sure didn't protect me from that ouchie so... I do minimize for his feelings I think because I do not want to tell him he is boring to talk to that I like a variety to talk to. that is mean and it may not be the issue.

 

And actually it is human nature to not want to hurt someone we love further if it's not necessary, think when you told your mom or dad a lie. In my mind after the times being caught, it was like he already saw what he saw, I admitted to it, at that point he has whatever conclusion he wants despite anything I say, why add to the already obvious hurt? I mean the fact I was talking to another guy and flirting was reason enough by itself to dump me on the spot despite whatever minimizing I did.

 

But that's neither here nor there because as I have already stated I will sit him down and explain in detail my deeper issues...but wait! Shouldn't I figure out what they are first? Crazy I know.

 

Thank you to everybody who left me actual advice and food for thought.

 

 

If you really loved him, you would not be doing these things.

 

If you loved him, you would respect him and not be so selfish to have lousy boundaries.

 

Think of someone else that realized he is a good catch.

 

What if they decided that she wanted him. How would you feel if he fell for her? Hopefully he would love you enough to have proper boundaries. and not fall for her charms.

 

If you are bored with his conversations, you will get bored with the OM's conversations as well.

 

You are smart , figure out a way to spark your conversations. Flirt with your man. Text him and sext him with your flirting, and do not give away what the two of you should only share. if you are bored don't you think he could get bored as well?