TrustedthenBusted Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 So you believe rape or assault is justified in her case. That is a preposterous leap, and you know it. But so was your first one. For the record, rape and/or assault are never justified. But getting a bunch of God-knows-who's from craigslist all hot and bothered and then vanish on them is to invite trouble, no? Guys aran't showing up at her door because she's wearing a skirt. She is seeking them out, toying with them for her own amusement, and leaving them sexually frustrated. Even your own dog will bite you if you keep taking his food away.
autumnnight Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 That is a preposterous leap, and you know it. But so was your first one. For the record, rape and/or assault are never justified. But getting a bunch of God-knows-who's from craigslist all hot and bothered and then vanish on them is to invite trouble, no? Guys aran't showing up at her door because she's wearing a skirt. She is seeking them out, toying with them for her own amusement, and leaving them sexually frustrated. Even your own dog will bite you if you keep taking his food away. Like I said, what the OP is doing is wrong and dangerous, but stating that if a woman plays she can't complain when she's attacked is teetering on a fine line most people would steer far away from....just to make sure they are not misinterpreted. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Like I said, what the OP is doing is wrong and dangerous, but stating that if a woman plays she can't complain when she's attacked is teetering on a fine line most people would steer far away from....just to make sure they are not misinterpreted. Well I've never been accused of steering away from a difficult conversation. ( plus, I didn't state that ) I'd rather be misinterpreted, and then clarify, than withhold my thoughts. On the whole, I think there are some men who have problems with restraint. But I also see a huge problem here with women who expect they should have no accountability for their actions. They want to play with fire, them blame the fire for their burns. She said herself she feels "entitled" Well... maybe her craigslist randos feel "entitled" too. Messy messy messy. And stupid. 1
Author Gigigirl Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 Well I've never been accused of steering away from a difficult conversation. ( plus, I didn't state that ) I'd rather be misinterpreted, and then clarify, than withhold my thoughts. On the whole, I think there are some men who have problems with restraint. But I also see a huge problem here with women who expect they should have no accountability for their actions. They want to play with fire, them blame the fire for their burns. She said herself she feels "entitled" Well... maybe her craigslist randos feel "entitled" too. Messy messy messy. And stupid. I have never met a man on Craigslist or online period. All my AP's I either knew before from like high school or college, or I met them in my workplace. We start talking in real life first then of course becoming friends on Facebook. I have been reckless but I don't meet men off online or Craigslist. That is super creepy. I need a real life feel for a man to start a friendship/EA.
Spectre Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Just reading all this, OP, have you told your boyfriend the truth depth of your cheating yet? 2
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Just reading all this, OP, have you told your boyfriend the truth depth of your cheating yet? ...and what good would come of that, they split, he is miserable and she is miserable and you are happy, mission accomplished... eh?
fellini Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I repeat.There is a lot of evidence in your posts that your BF was your primary source of narcisstic supply and you use you collection of AP's as secondary sources. That you bring back ex AP's is covered by the concept of narcissistic hoovering. What you desire is a constant supply and the problem is that the means of acquiring it has no acceptable solution and only makes monogamy an inconvenience if not impossible goal for you...
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I have never met a man on Craigslist or online period. All my AP's I either knew before from like high school or college, or I met them in my workplace. We start talking in real life first then of course becoming friends on Facebook. I have been reckless but I don't meet men off online or Craigslist. That is super creepy. I need a real life feel for a man to start a friendship/EA. I stand corrected. Although I fear that real live EAs are perhaps even more dangerous than online only.
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 ...and what good would come of that, they split, he is miserable and she is miserable and you are happy, mission accomplished... eh? There are tons of stories on here that don'e end that way. What makes you so sure this one will? What I heard from my wife was FAR worse than a bunch of EAs, and we are working it out, and better off today than we were then. Just sayin. Moreover, who is to say he'd be miserable if they split?
gettingstronger Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I teach, you remind me of what is the second tier. The kids that want to be the most popular or the smartest, but are just one rung down. They don't realize their own self worth because they are not the pinnacle. It's sad because what they don't see is how happy those that don't really care about standings truly are. They don't understand the "regular kids" are content and fulfilled. They are too busy chasing the myth of "best, prettiest, smartest". Get some counseling and get happy. 1
Spectre Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 ...and what good would come of that, they split, he is miserable and she is miserable and you are happy, mission accomplished... eh? I'm sorry, you seem to be under the very very false impression that honesty has to have something "good" come of it. It doesn't. 2
GG3 Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 These are good steps to take. Shows you want to change. However, the addiction to the external validation will still be there. How long can you "white knuckle" your resistance to it? You need to figure out why you need this and end that or it will just grow stronger while you deny yourself access to it. Then one day, maybe years after you are married, a very nice guy with just the right lines at just the right moment, will break you and you will have a full on physical affair. Don't say it can't happen. There are so many women on this site who believed that they "Would NEVER" do that. Until the moment that they did. I am definitely thinking addiction to external validation also. And there is something to the getting them to fall in love with you then stopping it. Could it be you can't believe you are worthy of being fallen in love with? So you have to validate over and over that you aren't boring and are interesting enough to fall in love with? Do you not believe in yourself enough?
Spectre Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Still curious if you've told your bf the true depths to what you have done to him. Don't listen to others here, it doesn't matter if you nor he gets anything "good" out of it. If you only tell the truth when you get something out of it then that is a sign you should stay single for the rest of your life, or at least until you figure out that line of thought is non-sense. 1
veggirl Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 ...and what good would come of that, they split, he is miserable and she is miserable and you are happy, mission accomplished... eh? um the good that could come of it is her bf could dodge a HUGE MASSIVE BULLET aimed right at his head in the form of his "loving" girlfriend before he marries her. 2
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 So "truth" is better than happiness, "truth" is better than little children having a life with both parents. Better we all tell the whole truth, warts and all, so that those children can blame themselves for the divorce, so that they can grow up in a divided family. Better to tell the truth and everybody be miserable... Lives ruined and over what? The OP is sorting herself out now, she made a lot of mistakes, her children should not have to suffer for them. Having a husband leave due to the "true depths" is not helpful to her children and they should be her priority.
autumnnight Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 So "truth" is better than happiness, "truth" is better than little children having a life with both parents. Better we all tell the whole truth, warts and all, so that those children can blame themselves for the divorce, so that they can grow up in a divided family. Better to tell the truth and everybody be miserable... Lives ruined and over what? The OP is sorting herself out now, she made a lot of mistakes, her children should not have to suffer for them. Having a husband leave due to the "true depths" is not helpful to her children and they should be her priority. It is not truth that causes misery. It is the CHOICE to cheat. 3
beach Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 What makes you think men are there to feed your ego only for you to toass them aside like a broken toy? How can you participate differently in order to not cause harm to others? Mainly the men and your BF?
carhill Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I have never met a man on Craigslist or online period. All my AP's I either knew before from like high school or college, or I met them in my workplace. We start talking in real life first then of course becoming friends on Facebook. I have been reckless but I don't meet men off online or Craigslist. That is super creepy. I need a real life feel for a man to start a friendship/EA. This is very common IME. I've met a lot of MW's (I understand you're not married) like yourself over the decades and hold no ill will towards them anymore. They liked being liked and loved being loved and used their sexual allure to gain that like and love and some were, and are, breathtakingly successful at it. Anymore I simply hold them at arm's length and try, with varying levels of success, to steer them back to their spouse and/or help them with any personal issues they might be having that could threaten their life, all with the detachment of a professional counselor, something I learned in MC while embroiled in an affair of my own years ago. The overwhelming emotion I identify is indifference, laced with a bit of sadness for the few I've lost (to death) over the years. I think you'll find the path that you're meant to find in life and this is your path for now. You can always make different choices and perhaps someday you will and try a different path. Life is like that. Good luck!
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 It is not truth that causes misery. It is the CHOICE to cheat. This is the usual argument, but the EA is over. Nothing can reverse what happened, but why would you choose to ruin someone's life by telling them something they can do nothing about all in the name of truth. We tell white lies everyday, we lessen the impact of our actions or our feelings to save people from hurt, this is similar. Telling him the whole truth will cause far reaching ructions for years, even if he doesn't leave, resentment and bitterness may colour their whole lives. Keeping schtum may save her children huge heart ache and even long term mental health problems. Why drop a bombshell if it is not entirely necessary to do so?
autumnnight Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 First, I worry about anyone who thinks and EA and a white lie are comparable. Second, the key word in the title of this thread is serial. This is not a one off in a time of weakness. This is a pattern. And unless it is dealt with it WILL continue in marriage. 2
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 First, I worry about anyone who thinks and EA and a white lie are comparable. Second, the key word in the title of this thread is serial. This is not a one off in a time of weakness. This is a pattern. And unless it is dealt with it WILL continue in marriage. He already knows, but he doesn't know the true extent of it, but if the OP sees the error of her ways and it seems she has, then with counselling she can try to mend her ways. Bombshells are going to do no-one any favours at the moment, merely cause drama and her children are going to be caught in the fall out.
jbrent890 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 This is the usual argument, but the EA is over. Nothing can reverse what happened, but why would you choose to ruin someone's life by telling them something they can do nothing about all in the name of truth. We tell white lies everyday, we lessen the impact of our actions or our feelings to save people from hurt, this is similar. Telling him the whole truth will cause far reaching ructions for years, even if he doesn't leave, resentment and bitterness may colour their whole lives. Keeping schtum may save her children huge heart ache and even long term mental health problems. Why drop a bombshell if it is not entirely necessary to do so? White Lie??? Telling my wife I like her cooking when I don't is a white lie? Telling someone you cheated is a big deal. Again, you always give people advice to run away from this. Relationships and marriage do not involve people making unilateral decisions for their spouses. Do yourself a favor and Google "I just found out my spouse cheated years ago" and see how people feel. People in those situations feel stuck. And if you think telling her partnert will build resentment now, how do you think it's going to be if he finds out years later when he has far more invested in the relationship. It is not her right to make the decision on how the relationship continues, it's theres. You never answered my question. Would you tell your children to run away from problems that they caused? She cheated so she needs to deal with it. Stop using kids as an excuse because it's getting old. If she cared about the kids so much then she wouldn't of cheated. But better late than never right? 4
autumnnight Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 He already knows, but he doesn't know the true extent of it, but if the OP sees the error of her ways and it seems she has, then with counselling she can try to mend her ways. Bombshells are going to do no-one any favours at the moment, merely cause drama and her children are going to be caught in the fall out. This is well-intended, but very naive. Having one A is not the same as a pattern. No matter what kind of "light" a serial cheater seems to have seen, breaking that pattern requires hard work and almost always counseling. And for a person of conscience, keeping that kind of secret will exacerbate the problem. 1
aliveagain Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Marrying your boyfriend without him knowing all the truth is a death sentence for the marriage. Withholding the truth from him will be the same as tricking him into marrying you or at least to him the effect will feel the same. Your better than that aren't you? Fix this before it's too late. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Nothing can reverse what happened, but why would you choose to ruin someone's life by telling them something they can do nothing about all in the name of truth. Assuming you are or have been in a relationship, does this mean you give your partner carte blanche to do whatever he wants as long as you don't find out about it ??? Mr. Lucky 2
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