elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 In your opening post you said you had multiple guys arguing over you and they didn't know you were in a relationship. If you're so in love why don't you let the others around you know it? Why aren't you shouting it out so the riff-raff keep away? I know that there are plenty of guys who won't give up the scent no matter what the relationship situation is but at least you would have other better intentioned co-workers having you back. Think about it, Twosadthings She is actively seeking attention, the intention is to have EAs. This is not a case of fending off unwanted suitors or riff raff. This is about maintaining a stable of suitably besotted guys to make her feel good about herself. Guys she then picks up and drops on a whim.
autumnnight Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I would recommend in person therapy, and I would ignore any diagnosis from amateur strangers on the internet. For the record, I posted this before I read BetrayedH's post. His post was insightful, as opposed to the standard "cheating? Must be mentally ill" fare. 2
Furious Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 First time poster. I need somewhere to get this all out so here it goes. I am a female serial emotional cheater. I have emotional cheated on my boyfriend/fiance' our whole relationship. We have been together almost 10 years and I would say I have emotional cheated once a year( for months at a time) every year of the relationship. In the beginning of my relationship, I had multiple EA’s going at one time at a call center job I worked at. It was really bad, I had AP’s arguing and fighting over me and they had no idea I was already in a relationship. I had a supervisor completely smitten that he moved me up to team leader position I DID NOT have enough experience for at the time. Sometimes I meet new people and I start up with them and then sometimes I just recycle old AP’s from the past. ALL of my AP’s end up wanting more than I can give, so I usually just disappear on them for a while and pop back up when I think the feelings have died down. I don’t know why I do this, I love my BF very much and have never physically cheated on him. I usually pick AP’s that I know I have no long term interest in, makes them easier to cut off. I have a couple of AP’s I do care about and haven’t been able to fully cut off so I just keep recycling them and then dropping them when they start expecting more. Some of my AP’s know I am in a relationship, some don’t. I have this overwhelming sense of entitlement and it is starting to worry me, some of my AP’s have been in relationships as well. I can’t help it, I start getting bored and then I feel like I deserve someone new and fun to talk to. I don’t feel much guilt AT ALL, and partly because I have never physically cheated. I can only go a few months before I need someone besides my BF to talk to. We have been together so long it gets boring but I love him and don’t want anyone else and our sex life is GREAT. My Bf is just a little on the dull side, I love talking to new people and a lot of the time it is not my intention to start an EA but it just happens! And the dudes start falling in love and then the fun ends and I have head for the hills. I try to stop and tell myself this is the last time but I can’t. One time I ended the EA with one of my AP’s and then within the same week I dumped him, I was already in an EA with someone new! Granted I started talking to the new guy while still talking to the old one. I have hurt a lot of men with my games but I can’t help it. I don’t know why I do this! And my BF has caught me doing this numerous times but I always find a way to play it off, make it seem less serious. He gets upset but forgives me and still loves me and asks me not to do it again, then everything is fine until the next time he catches me. He has even revenge flirted purposefully on Facebook to show me how it feels and I admit that I didn’t like the feeling BUT it isn’t enough to stop me! I love my BF and we have 2 beautiful kids together and are planning a wedding very soon. I don’t want to continue this into my married life. I am worried I am getting out of control, NO MAN seems off limits to me, and it doesn’t help that all my AP’s fall into my hands like putty. I know it’s kinda twisted but I feel like I am not having sex with them so it’s not a big deal. Do I know they desire me? Yes. Do I know they would have sex with me if I allowed it? Yes. Do I use those things against them to continue getting what I want? Yes. I just want to figure out why I do this and why I don’t feel much guilt even after being caught multiple times…Am I doomed to always feel like this?? I suspect, deep down inside, you know why you do this. You get something from this, and it has has become a natural part of your character. You're on automatic pilot, and you get a buzz from toying with others and it feeds your ego. Not very complicated, you need attention and without it, your identity suffers. You don't feel bad about your actions because it begins and ends with you, the attention you seek is superficial. In a way I think you have a love hate relationship with men. You've seen that many men are dogs and if they fall for your "game" it's verification that no one can be trusted. The thing is, there are plenty of good men with character, but those men will not give you the attention you crave. I 'd bet my last penny you envy attractive women. I think you're subconsciously competing with the girlfriends or wives of the men you toy with. Are you a pessimist? Are you a happy person? 2
BeatsByDirk Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I recognized she wasn't honest before, I gave advice on how to make this more transparent. The attention is awesome, why should she give it up, the Bf/fiancé can't hold a conversation, he knows what's up, it's been 10 years, he doesn't care, he's glad someone else is doing the heavy lifting and he still gets someone to mommy his kids and a place to dump his load. It's so narrow to think that the only solutions are to give this up and go the straight and narrow, do counseling and still be bored and unenertained on the other side or dump her BF/fiancé and spend forever looking for a guy who is perfect and wants a woman with 2 kids who needs constant emotional attention. Why not try to straighten this situation out as much as possible. Why does there have to be a perfect partner out there for everyone, I don't think there is, sometimes you just have to live your life and make do with what is available. As far as integrity goes... Why? Your gonna die, do what you want, a I try not to step on other peoples toes but some get stepped on, I apologize and try to watch my step better in the future but I'm gonna keep stepping in the direction of what I want. Maybe the BF/fiancé wouldn't go for that but for sure she can find APs that don't care that they don't have a real shot at sex but will entertain the fantasy and pursuit but why not give it a shot.
BetrayedH Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Why can't you just tell the fiancé he's a little on the dull side, still hot but a little dull in the conversation department. If you know where your line is, you don't cross it but this is how you entertain yourself why quit? Just work out the rules with your fiancé. I don't see why you have to cut off your favorite thing in life when you aren't going to find one and only one person who meets all of your needs, maybe most but not all. I'm more concerned for the APs. I think if you disclose your situation and they're cool with it and how far you are willing to go, you don't lead them on, it's all good if it gets a little intense. I think their should be a way you can work out having your cake and eating it too as long as you stay honest. Get your flirt on! This kind of post is why you need the book Selfish suggested, Not Just Friends (by Shirley Glass).
Author Gigigirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 I suspect, deep down inside, you know why you do this. You get something from this, and it has has become a natural part of your character. You're on automatic pilot, and you get a buzz from toying with others and it feeds your ego. Not very complicated, you need attention and without it, your identity suffers. You don't feel bad about your actions because it begins and ends with you, the attention you seek is superficial. In a way I think you have a love hate relationship with men. You've seen that many men are dogs and if they fall for your "game" it's verification that no one can be trusted. The thing is, there are plenty of good men with character, but those men will not give you the attention you crave. I 'd bet my last penny you envy attractive women. I think you're subconsciously competing with the girlfriends or wives of the men you toy with. Are you a pessimist? Are you a happy person? Ummm no. I do not secretly envy attractive women because I am one. I do have female friends that I also find attractive, my sisters are gorgeous to me. I admire beautiful women I meet while out and about, it's just easier for me to form male bonds as I was closer to my dad. I have lots of female friends, just prefer the male ones. I give props when props are due. Always. Most of my AP are single so that's that, and a couple have been in relationships as well but I never knew what their girlfriends looked like and didn't care. You are right I have seen men behave like dogs and I have also seen good men too, such as my BF. Players give me their attention and the good guys do too. It's a mixture. I honestly don't think of anyone but myself, not somebody's wife or girlfriend, not even my own BF. I'm competing with no one. I don't think I'm pessimistic. I think I'm happy but like have other guys to talk to. Sorry about your last penny.
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I honestly don't think of anyone but myself ^^^this^^^
Author Gigigirl Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 Why don't you BLOCK all these guys phone numbers? Then they can't come back. Block them on FB. Are you actually going to do something to fix this? Why don't you stop making "friends" with men and go ahead and make friends with WOMEN instead? Do you have female friends? Yes I do but I cant flirt with them. That's creepy. My sister says I just like to charm people and don't know how to end it before it gets to far. Yes I am going to block and delete all AP. I am going to just avoid the male sex for awhile. Thankful I do not work with any men at the moment and I am close to my female coworker who helped me nip yet another EA that was brewing with an old obsessive exAP.
Author Gigigirl Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 ^^^this^^^ At least I can admit it. At least I see it. At least I own it. 2
fellini Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Obviously you have strong narcissistic tendencies. Question is how much. Read up on being a female narcissist. You'll get better advice there. And no, you probably shouldn't be in a marriage it's okay to have boyfriend s -- you just arent going to be able to endure...... Nor will he.
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Obviously you have strong narcissistic tendencies. Question is how much. Read up on being a female narcissist. You'll get better advice there. Some reading material for a start - How to Identify a Female Narcissist 2
autumnnight Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Again, OP, I recommend a qualified professional. 4
Furious Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Ummm no. I do not secretly envy attractive women because I am one. I do have female friends that I also find attractive, my sisters are gorgeous to me. it's just easier for me to form male bonds as I was closer to my dad. I have lots of female friends, just prefer the male ones. I give props when props are due. Always. Most of my AP are single so that's that, and a couple have been in relationships as well but I never knew what their girlfriends looked like and didn't care. You are right I have seen men behave like dogs and I have also seen good men too, such as my BF. Players give me their attention and the good guys do too. It's a mixture. I honestly don't think of anyone but myself, not somebody's wife or girlfriend, not even my own BF. 'm competing with no one. I don't think I'm pessimistic. I think I'm happy but like have other guys to talk to. Sorry about your last penny. No problem...keep the change.
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Why thank you Mr. Obvious. I know I am not ready until I get this, whatever this is under control. Hence why I am here spilling my guts... yeah...but....you said you have a wedding coming up soon. Spilling your guts to a couple dozen online strangers with zero consequence is hardly a substitute for looking your boyfriend in the eye and telling him you are not ready to be married. I think the "obvious answer" is to get in therapy, and without reading the first 5 pages I can guess you've been told that already. What I'm suggesting is that you don't marry some poor fool in the meantime. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I have this overwhelming sense of entitlement and it is starting to worry me, some of my AP’s have been in relationships as well. I can’t help it, I start getting bored and then I feel like I deserve someone new and fun to talk to. I don’t feel much guilt AT ALL, and partly because I have never physically cheated. I can only go a few months before I need someone besides my BF to talk to. We have been together so long it gets boring but I love him and don’t want anyone else and our sex life is GREAT. My Bf is just a little on the dull side, I love talking to new people and a lot of the time it is not my intention to start an EA but it just happens! You're selfish and have no guilt, you don't really care that you've hurt your boyfriend. You're not sincere and you're manipulative. With that said, do you have women friends? Why are you reaching out to men. Do you have fun hobbies, things that you're passionate about to do? Other than have EA's with others... Counseling would be a good thing for you to do. EA's just don't happen. You're aware of it and choosing to cross lines and have NO boundaries, which shows you have no respect for your boyfriend and you know what to say to him to get him off your back without really feeling bad for what you've done.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I have lots of female friends, just prefer the male ones. Women who need men like this, whether it be for excitement, ego feeds, game play etc are usually have many traits of narcissism and also are insecure at the same time. You seem to need to have men interested in you, you need to 'feel' connections deeply and since the connection with your boyfriend isn't as strong as it once was you're constantly looking for that energy lift from other men to feed whatever it is that needs to be fed inside you. Kudos to you for opening up, I do hope you want to change, want to fix this flaw because otherwise you're gonna lose your boyfriend. One day he will get fed up of all this and break up with you. 3
Rainbowlove Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) my mom who was a housewife, only cared about herself. Forgive me if this has been pointed out already, but do you remind yourself of anyone? Edited January 31, 2015 by Rainbowlove 1
BeatsByDirk Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 When looking for advice for a situation involving infidelity I would be very skeptical of the advice and comments from those cheated on. In my opinion the BS is the loser, they lost! Their WS burned them up good in a truly selfish way and it broke their world. I see comments to cheaters that may come from a place where it seems like they are trying to protect you from ruining things in your life, motivate you into being a "person with character or integrity" but I have this suspicion that their motivation comes from their brokenness! Possibly, when they could not get their partner to behave the way they wanted, were burned, they came here to acces the time machine! Please let me go back in time so I can erase this pain, maybe I can stop others from feeling the pain I felt! I think there are people who follow rules and other people who hate rules,having to live a certain way just because the majority subscribe to it. I think relationships are a battle ground for this dichotomy. I saw a post I which the poster talked about those who cheat at the end of the relationship as passive aggressive and selfish. I agree but at the same time when I think about some of the cheaters who've invested years into a relationship and don't feel an amicable split or anything resembling it is an acceptable way to end the relationship. Sometimes having your cake and eating it too on the way to destroying your partners life and self esteem is ALMOST justifiable when they've been getting what they wanted most of the relationship and it's come out of your A$$! I realize none of what I'm saying is right or moral but then again I don't believe in right and moral is always the best way and right and moral are fluid concepts that change as culture changes. Either way OP, if not continuing in random EA activity is going to lead to you having a more happy and fulfilling life I definitely appluad you trying to take steps toward that but I encourage you to take the time to do some self reflection maybe even some IC just to see where this need comes from and if it's something you can live without. Knowing yourself better can only help you 1
bubbaganoosh Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I don't deserve for someone to put their hands on me just because I don't want to be with them. That's extreme. But I do not want to play these games anymore, I do not want to put myself in danger or hurt my family. I want to change. I agree that no one has the right to put their hands on you but on the other side of the coin you have no right playing head games with these guys just for your own personal enjoyment and think that it doesn't come with any consequences. I'm being rational, but try telling that to some guy who got burned real good and isn't in the right frame of mind for another woman playing games with him. This time around he's going to take his frustrations from the first girl that did it to him along with your selfish ways and then your in for a ton of "You ain't seen nothing yet" Look do yourself a favor and grow up and act like an adult and a woman and let your boyfriend know so he can be given the choice if he wants to stick around and always wonder if your worth taking a chance on or move on and find another who has a conscience.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Yes no PA but all AP's let me know they desire me in that way, that they are very attracted to me. So for them there is a sexual componet, for me I am just very flirty by nature and love a good flirty convo but no not interested in anything furthur than that. I only have one AP who sent me a dirty pic I DID NOT ask for. I have NEVER sent pics out. I do admit I have let one of my AP's talk dirty to me but only because I found it amusing. Obviously, the validation you're getting from these relationships satisfies you in a way your BF does not. Instead of asking why you need this extra attention, perhaps you should be asking why the attention from him isn't enough? People happy with their partner don't engage in this kind of activity - they feel they have too much to lose. I certainly wouldn't move ahead with wedding plans while so many issues and uncertainties hold center stage in your life... Mr. Lucky 3
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Thank you. I agree I never truly figured out me and what I want. My BF is older than me and we have been together since I was 17. My first and only relationship. I have been in a relationship my entire adult life, I have never been by myself. This is important and another reason why marriage is a bad choice for you to make just now. YOU have never really experienced the ups and downs of real relationships. You tease, you play, you cause mischief, you cause heart-ache and suffering but you run happily back to your loving, accepting bf, completely unaware and unfazed. You are cocooned in a world that is based on fantasy. Nothing bad happens in your world, despite the chaos you cause. YOU are like a child in the candy store who can eat all it wants and never gets sick. There are no repercussions to your flirting and leading men on, YOU are not invested so YOU never get hurt. YOU are in control always, you pick up men, you drop men, you soothe your bfs anxieties and YOU carry on as before. Your lack of fellow feeling is worrying, but may stem from the fact you have never been in the position of loving someone and having that love thrown back in your face. OR as others have intimated, you are perhaps working through some deeper issues. WE can all tease the bull when it is behind a fence or there is a man with a big stick there to defend us, but left to our own devices we need to be able to use our own wits to survive. You need to be able to be independent and not rely on the continual validation of others, otherwise this whole house of cards may come crashing down on you. 2
Confused48 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Yes I am going to block and delete all AP. I am going to just avoid the male sex for awhile. Thankful I do not work with any men at the moment and I am close to my female coworker who helped me nip yet another EA that was brewing with an old obsessive exAP. These are good steps to take. Shows you want to change. However, the addiction to the external validation will still be there. How long can you "white knuckle" your resistance to it? You need to figure out why you need this and end that or it will just grow stronger while you deny yourself access to it. Then one day, maybe years after you are married, a very nice guy with just the right lines at just the right moment, will break you and you will have a full on physical affair. Don't say it can't happen. There are so many women on this site who believed that they "Would NEVER" do that. Until the moment that they did. 3
autumnnight Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 I agree that no one has the right to put their hands on you but on the other side of the coin you have no right playing head games with these guys just for your own personal enjoyment and think that it doesn't come with any consequences. I'm being rational, but try telling that to some guy who got burned real good and isn't in the right frame of mind for another woman playing games with him. This time around he's going to take his frustrations from the first girl that did it to him along with your selfish ways and then your in for a ton of "You ain't seen nothing yet" Look do yourself a favor and grow up and act like an adult and a woman and let your boyfriend know so he can be given the choice if he wants to stick around and always wonder if your worth taking a chance on or move on and find another who has a conscience. What the OP has done is reprehensible, but this variation on "you shouldn't have worn that short skirt if you didn't want it" is disgusting.
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 What the OP has done is reprehensible, but this variation on "you shouldn't have worn that short skirt if you didn't want it" is disgusting. She's doing a lot more than wearing a skirt.
autumnnight Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 She's doing a lot more than wearing a skirt. So you believe rape or assault is justified in her case.
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