aliveagain Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I know there is something wrong and it is worrying me, that's why I am here. My BF is more worried about me leaving him, I am younger than him and he is my only relationship were as he has experinced lots of different women. That and the fact that I never crossed any physical lines, is the reason I believe he keeps forgiving me. That would be absoultely horrible if someone unstable tried to kill themselves over an EA, but that speaks more to that person personally I think... The reason I am even confessing all this is because before finding this site/board I didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing. I didn't know "emotional cheating" was a thing! I thought cheating was just physical and I have NEVER done that or WANTED to for that matter. The only person I want touching me is my BF. I honestly believed that all my EA were just friendship...albeit friendships my BF would have been jealous of . It wasn't until I came across this site to learn that I have been emotionally cheating all these years. I want to fix this. Sorry but you can't judge a person's stability easily over the internet, many pretend to be someone they are not, they are looking for acceptance any way they can get it. Meeting someone like you who is just playing with them could have devastating effects. You have already stated you have men fighting over you. Please get help, you have FOO issues(family of origin) that need to be dealt with. Your boyfriend may be codependent but this is about you and not about your boyfriend. 1
Author Gigigirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Ok, no. I did not mean you would take 100% fault. I just meant it would be very traumatic, you would blame yourself to some degree and suffer greatly bc of it. You would never look at yourself or life the same again. You would be permanently damaged. Yes I agree. And I do understand the posters trying to show me how extreme the consquences of my actions can be. That's why I am here, I don't want to behave this way anymore. 1
Author Gigigirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Do not turn this around to only being about the suicide angle; your treatment of these men is shocking. I am not. I never brought up suicide until you and other posters have. You are right, this thread is about my behavior and my actions toward other men and how I can fix this, that's my point. My thread is not about anything you stated in your post about suicide. 1
Author Gigigirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Sorry but you can't judge a person's stability easily over the internet, many pretend to be someone they are not, they are looking for acceptance any way they can get it. Meeting someone like you who is just playing with them could have devastating effects. You have already stated you have men fighting over you. Please get help, you have FOO issues(family of origin) that need to be dealt with. Your boyfriend may be codependent but this is about you and not about your boyfriend. I'm done commenting how much blame I need to take if a guy commits suicide because I don't want to be with him. The men fighting over me was in the past when i was late teens into my early 20's. I have calmed down alot since then but still have EA's. 1
Confused48 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Yes I agree. And I do understand the posters trying to show me how extreme the consquences of my actions can be. That's why I am here, I don't want to behave this way anymore. I sense that being here, reading what you have read, has opened your eyes to some degree. You now are loosing some self respect, feeling guilt, shame, remorse. You are going through what a WS goes through on Dday. You want to change your ways and become a better person, not just for your BF but for your own sense of self respect. It is not easy though. Most people have to suffer consequences for their actions to motivate them to do the hard work that results in change. 3
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Yes I agree. And I do understand the posters trying to show me how extreme the consquences of my actions can be. That's why I am here, I don't want to behave this way anymore. Easily fixed, stop interacting with men in this way. Stop leading them on, stop flirting, stop entering into relationships with them, stop making them feel you are into them and that they are special to you. BUT I recognise like others here do too, that you have issues and that needs therapy. 3
aliveagain Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I am not. I never brought up suicide until you and other posters have. You are right, this thread is about my behavior and my actions toward other men and how I can fix this, that's my point. My thread is not about anything you stated in your post about suicide. Sorry, I brought that up as an extreme example of a consequence of your behaviour. When an alcoholic gets in their car plastered all he or she wants to do is get home and go to bed but in the process may hurt someone. Your actions are hurting people and in the process your hurting yourself, how will you ever have a meaningful relationship with someone when you treat men the way you do? It is good that you acknowledge you need help, that's step one, step two is to commit yourself and get the help. You need to fix yourself first or no matter how many relationships you have in your future, there will always be something broken in the relationship. 3
Selfish Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I didn't see if it has been recommended but I suggest reading "not just friends" by shirley glass and second the advice given to seek therapy. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 We have been together almost 10 years and I would say I have emotional cheated once a year( for months at a time) every year of the relationship. Can you be more specific about how these EA's are conducted? How much time do you spend with your AP and, with a BF and 2 kids, where do you find the time? Also, you said no PA but is there a sexual component? Pictures, etc? I love my BF and we have 2 beautiful kids together and are planning a wedding very soon. I don’t want to continue this into my married life. What commitment does marriage represent to you that 2 kids and 10 years together do not? Mr. Lucky 1
loveboid Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I think you're possibly grieving your father or just habitually acting the same way an adoring teen would naturally act toward her doting father. Because he died you and he didn't get to evolve your relationship and you didn't grow into more mature habits that you would have with him. So I would just try to evolve your relationship skills with men...guide yourself toward a deeper connection that your father would have eventually done with you. Finish where your father left off. My other comment was that some men will assault women if given the opportunity and if they think they won't get caught. They're not as nice as your dad was. 1
Winterina Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 starts out like a friendship and then next thing I know, I'm in an EA again. It's not like I am selling these guys dreams or lies of being together one day. I make no promises and let them all know I only want a friendship. I am very clear on that. I tell them to date and see other girls. Then stay away from those "friendships"! Never make a guy a friend and never talk to a co-worker about anything else but work and in a way that would be flirty. Do not talk to guys much at all for a period of time and see how that goes. But you sound like someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Or something...If you are sociopath then you are lying too about how you feel, even here, in a virtual world. The main characteristic of a sociopath is the absence of feeling of guilt. Just guessing from the description, Im not a psychologist. 1
Author Gigigirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Can you be more specific about how these EA's are conducted? How much time do you spend with your AP and, with a BF and 2 kids, where do you find the time? Also, you said no PA but is there a sexual component? Pictures, etc? What commitment does marriage represent to you that 2 kids and 10 years together do not? Mr. Lucky My EA usually take place over text messages or facebooking. It's usually with guys I meet in either my workplace, at school, or knew prior from like high school. I don't spend real time with my AP's, I gave little bits of time when I could fit them in like on my lunch break other than that when I am off work, I am with my family, on weekends I am with my family. This is usually when my APs become clingy but I just remind them I have 2 kids who come first. I am ALWAYS on my phone, texting. I guess it's just my generation but my BF finds nothing suspicious about me always being on my phone. And in all honestly, even if I didn't have an AP I'd be texting all day anyway, my sisters, my friends etc... I am only 26. Yes no PA but all AP's let me know they desire me in that way, that they are very attracted to me. So for them there is a sexual componet, for me I am just very flirty by nature and love a good flirty convo but no not interested in anything furthur than that. I only have one AP who sent me a dirty pic I DID NOT ask for. I have NEVER sent pics out. I do admit I have let one of my AP's talk dirty to me but only because I found it amusing. With your last question, are you asking me why I am more concerned about carrying this behavior into my married life VS my 10 year relationship...the answer is simple. Marriage is important to me and I want to do right by it. All these years I thought what I was doing was no big deal, I had extra friendships with guys. I didn't know that emotional cheating/affairs were really a thing. Now I do, now I see where this can lead and now thanks to all the posters I have some very vivid scary scenarios in my mind of what can happen. I want to be better. When you know better you do better and quite honestly from ages 17-25 I really didn't know any better...Now I do. 1
Author Gigigirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Then stay away from those "friendships"! Never make a guy a friend and never talk to a co-worker about anything else but work and in a way that would be flirty. Do not talk to guys much at all for a period of time and see how that goes. But you sound like someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Or something...If you are sociopath then you are lying too about how you feel, even here, in a virtual world. The main characteristic of a sociopath is the absence of feeling of guilt. Just guessing from the description, Im not a psychologist. Ummm def not a sociopath ouch. Are guilt and remorse the same thing? I do feel like crap when my BF catches me so I do feel bad...just not bad enough to stop because I didn't think it was truly wrong. I am more mature now and can see that i really messed up and made a mess of things. I doubt a sociopath would care enough to spill their guts on a board for advice...
Author Gigigirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 I think you're possibly grieving your father or just habitually acting the same way an adoring teen would naturally act toward her doting father. Because he died you and he didn't get to evolve your relationship and you didn't grow into more mature habits that you would have with him. So I would just try to evolve your relationship skills with men...guide yourself toward a deeper connection that your father would have eventually done with you. Finish where your father left off. My other comment was that some men will assault women if given the opportunity and if they think they won't get caught. They're not as nice as your dad was. Thank you for this. The flipside of this is because my relationship with my mom sucks, I prefer male friends, I get along with them better...but that keeps getting me in trouble. I actually just recently a few months ago had an old recycled AP come back in my life and we had started up again except he was WAY TOO intense. One of my older female coworkers that I confided in about everything, wanted me to stay away from him. He was just getting too obesessive. She told me the same things, some men will just take it and won't care how many times you say no...I blocked him that night.
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Now it has all been pointed out to you, what are you going to do about it? How do you see yourself fixing this? 1
BetrayedH Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) SThank you. I have been considering therapy and will probably due this before we set a date. You are right that I need to explain in better detail to my BF exactly what I have been doing. He just always seems so relieved that I never had sex with anyone else, that I figured that was more important to him. Haven't read the rest of the thread so forgive me if I am repeating. Yes, your BF deserves the entire truth. Marriage is intended to be a lifelong commitment. Give him the respect of making a fully informed decision. Don't trick him into marrying you. That said, I actually think you should wait to make this confession. And that's because you don't have your personal 'why' figured out. If you don't know why you do these things, there's no reason he shouldn't expect a reoccurence. If you do figure out why you do these things, you may be more apt to identify when you're leaning towards this coping mechanism again and take steps to avoid it. It's also important to acknowledge that this is entirely about you and nothing to do with him. If you don't know why you do these things, he's going to take your EAs as a personal rejection of him. In short, he will blame himself for being "boring." So, onto your "why." From my reading, I see at least one of the following three traits in just about every wayward: (1) An overdeveloped sense of entitlement - "I deserve to be happy" and that's paramount to any other vows or contracts I have made, especially if they don't know about it (2) An excessive need for external validation - the affection of one person doesn't cut it, especially if you already "have" them (3) Severe conflict-avoidance - I don't want any conflict or stress so I don't make any waves; my partner probably has no idea I'm really unhappy. Sometimes there's a toxic combination of two or more of these traits. Again, these things have nothing to do with the betrayed partner (they could be anyone) and they have everything to do with the wayward. In many cases, these issues developed during childhood as a result of your family of origin (FOO, as another poster mentioned). Perhaps you never got enough attention or affirmation from your parents. Perhaps there was excessive conflict in your family and you just learned to avoid it. Or perhaps your family spoiled you and made you feel like you deserved it all. I don't know. I'm just guessing as I play armchair therapist. As others have said, therapy is needed to dig deep. Once you have an idea of what you're dealing with, disclose EVERYTHING to your BF and let him make a fully informed choice about something as big as marriage. When he sees that you are taking complete ownership of this, won't allow him to blame himself, have been voluntarily and fully honest, and are proactively taking steps to "fix" yourself, then I think forgiveness is not such a tall order. And you give yourselves a good foundation for a marriage moving forward. Hereby relinquishing the armchair... Edited January 30, 2015 by BetrayedH 2
autumnnight Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I would recommend in person therapy, and I would ignore any diagnosis from amateur strangers on the internet. 1
veggirl Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) Why don't you BLOCK all these guys phone numbers? Then they can't come back. Block them on FB. Are you actually going to do something to fix this? Why don't you stop making "friends" with men and go ahead and make friends with WOMEN instead? Do you have female friends? Edited January 30, 2015 by veggirl 1
Confused48 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I would recommend in person therapy, and I would ignore any diagnosis from amateur strangers on the internet. Except maybe BetrayedH, right? He's the best! 1
harrybrown Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I do hope you start thinking about your soon to be H and your kids as well. You have two and they are innocent, but these EA's can really impact their life. Do not get married if you can't start now to have good boundaries. You should not do anything that you would not do if your SO was right by your side. Try to picture how he feels, he has been hurt and tried to show you how much pain he gets from your actions. Do advise him not to get married until you both have good boundaries.
BetrayedH Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Except maybe BetrayedH, right? He's the best! Lol. Thanks. Ego properly reinflated. For what it's worth, I did try to communicate that I'm an amateur. If we wanted to avoid all the non-professional advice, there wouldn't be much point in asking for any advice around here. The ones that claim they are professionals usually scare me the most. I do think that determining the 'why' is critical in infidelity scenarios (for both the wayward and the betrayed). That's 3+ years of daily infidelity study speaking. I credit myself for a virtual PhD in Infidelity (not yet accredited). I do think that a professional is recommended for helping to find that 'why.' 1
BeatsByDirk Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Why can't you just tell the fiancé he's a little on the dull side, still hot but a little dull in the conversation department. If you know where your line is, you don't cross it but this is how you entertain yourself why quit? Just work out the rules with your fiancé. I don't see why you have to cut off your favorite thing in life when you aren't going to find one and only one person who meets all of your needs, maybe most but not all. I'm more concerned for the APs. I think if you disclose your situation and they're cool with it and how far you are willing to go, you don't lead them on, it's all good if it gets a little intense. I think their should be a way you can work out having your cake and eating it too as long as you stay honest. Get your flirt on!
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Why can't you just tell the fiancé he's a little on the dull side, still hot but a little dull in the conversation department. If you know where your line is, you don't cross it but this is how you entertain yourself why quit? Just work out the rules with your fiancé. I don't see why you have to cut off your favorite thing in life when you aren't going to find one and only one person who meets all of your needs, maybe most but not all. I'm more concerned for the APs. I think if you disclose your situation and they're cool with it and how far you are willing to go, you don't lead them on, it's all good if it gets a little intense. I think their should be a way you can work out having your cake and eating it too as long as you stay honest. Get your flirt on! And my BF has caught me doing this numerous times but I always find a way to play it off, make it seem less serious. He gets upset but forgives me and still loves me and asks me not to do it again, then everything is fine until the next time he catches me. He has even revenge flirted purposefully on Facebook to show me how it feels and I admit that I didn’t like the feeling BUT it isn’t enough to stop me! ( What is honest about leading men on to the extent that they are fighting over her and they have no idea she has a partner? Her BF gets understandably upset with the flirting and the EAs and has told her to stop, but she ignores him... 1
twosadthings Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) In your opening post you said you had multiple guys arguing over you and they didn't know you were in a relationship. If you're so in love why don't you let the others around you know it? Why aren't you shouting it out so the riff-raff keep away? I know that there are plenty of guys who won't give up the scent no matter what the relationship situation is but at least you would have other better intentioned co-workers having you back. Think about it, Twosadthings Edited January 30, 2015 by twosadthings typo(s)
Bryanp Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to him?
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