Fat

[guest569]

Definitely DON'T mention his weight or say that you aren't attracted to him. That could destroy his confidence and cause all sorts of issues. Especially if he has already been using diet pills. I would say that you're not developing feelings, it doesn't feel right, something like that. For all you know, he could lose 20kg and you still wont find him attractive, it might not be his weight.

 

I've been on a single date with someone who admitted he wasn't attracted to me, why say that? It hurt slightly, after 1 date. So after a 4 month relationship that would have destroyed me. You definitely should break up with him though. If you aren't attracted now then you probably wont be. It's not fair to lead him on any further.

[blue_jay_bird]

Im not dense.

 

Im not going to tell him its his weight.

 

And for all those.. I can't believe you dated someone your not physically attracted to.

 

I guess, all I can say is; maybe I'm just not that shallow.

 

...but rly, I guess I am. .. cause we are having this discussion.

Edited January 31, 2015 by blue_jay_bird

[KatZee]

Im not dense.

 

Im not going to tell him its his weight.

 

And for all those.. I can't believe you dated someone your not physically attracted to.

 

I guess, all I can say is; maybe I'm just not that shallow.

 

...but rly, I guess I am. .. cause we are having this discussion.

 

You dating him even when you knew you weren't attracted to him doesn't make you not shallow.

 

You said you dated him because he reminded you of some dude from your past that you always wondered "what if" with.

 

So it's not like you were even dating this guy because of his great personality or because you genuinely liked HIM. You basically tried to project the past onto this guy.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Im not dense.

 

Im not going to tell him its his weight.

 

And for all those.. I can't believe you dated someone your not physically attracted to.

 

I guess, all I can say is; maybe I'm just not that shallow.

 

...but rly, I guess I am. .. cause we are having this discussion.

 

 

It sounds like you're only dating him because he likes you and not the other way around. It's flattering to know a man is interested in you and think you're sex/great/awesome/etc but it's a very one-sided deal if you don't feel the same.

 

It's absurd to me that you got with him when he was fat but have now decided it's a deal-breaker. Don't be that girl. Just end it instead of trying to mold him into the man you want him to be. People aren't projects.

[newmoon]

i dated a fat guy once and told him after a few dates that he was too fat for my liking. i accepted the dates with him only because i enjoyed the attention from someone. he went to the gym and actually lost about 20 pounds over 7 months or so. he reverted back to normal almost as fast as the weight came off. it didn't stick at all. just tell him he's nice but you don't see it going anywhere. you absolutely cannot change people and if you stay with him you're not going to become magically attracted to his fat.

[mortensorchid]

This is a terrible topic to talk about, to be sure, but it's become a horrible reality with the obesity problem. I used to be 40 lbs heavier than I am now, and I had an old bf who told me that it wasn't going to be a permanent set up unless I quit smoking and lost weight. Once I had dropped about 30 of the 40 I would loose and had quit for about 6 weeks, he was furious with me. It took me too long to do it.

 

 

I'm not suggesting you put an ultimatum on him, because you might end up in said situation like me - Once you have met that ultimatum the other party has to meet their side of it, or they will take it back (like that example). Ask him if he works out or if he enjoys a certain sport to play. Someone told me once he hates to work out, and it shows as he's overweight. I am here to tell you that people treat you differently when you are overweight, even long trusted friends and family members. When you drop the weight, people will treat you better, even strangers you encounter.

 

 

I think you have to either accept it or not. But as you are leaning towards the not side, then you should end things.

[Noproblem]

Just start hitting the gym together!

 

No, don't say you should go to the gym,

 

It's we should go the gym and be healthy and toned!

 

 

 

6 months from now, with your support and guidance, he'll be smoking hot!

 

End of story!

[ascendotum]

You did. He may be happy with you but little does he know you're not physically attracted to him. I bet he wouldn't feel so happy then.

 

It really depends on the guy. If a guy is skinny or a fatty and he has trouble getting gfs and he meets a really pretty girl and he thinks she's wonderful and works on getting her to like him more over the next 2 mths and she eventually says yes to going out, and has sex on the next date, he could very well think he's really lucked out. While the relationship may only end up a STR, he will likely still hold fond memories because she was better than what he would have hoped for (and there was no nastiness). He will very much have a broken heart when it ends but if the fat guy has trouble getting a sexy gf he may well see it as better to have loved and lost her than never experienced her at all. Women are more likely to see it as getting used but more guys then women could see it as better to have a STR with a cute girl out of his league than not at all, even if she was a rebound and still in love with an ex or she felt a bit sorry for him or just saw him as just a nice guy (as long as she don't say that)

[ascendotum]

Just start hitting the gym together!

 

No, don't say you should go to the gym,

It's we should go the gym and be healthy and toned!

I understand the difference in the phrasing but this often does not work with over weight gfs. Maybe the first time, but from then on if they are sensitive on their weight but don't want to exercise or diet much, they will soon read between the lines and see it not as exercise/health but as manipulation tactic to try change them to your desired figure of preference. Just saying. I'm not saying she shouldn't try it though, to try and save give the relationship a chance.

Edited January 31, 2015 by ascendotum

[Poppygoodwill]

I started dating a guy who was not my physical ideal. He was overweight. Not obese, but sort of squidgy. I have always been sporty and slender and always dated men like that too. But we had so much fun together and I enjoyed his company so much, that I couldn't help myself from seeing him. Turned out he was really good in bed, so that was fine. It was just the part between the laughter and the sex that was a problem for me; I didn't look at him and think, "mee-ow!" and want to jump him

 

But you know what amazing thing happened? Being pretty active, I used to say, let's go for a walk! as a matter of course after dinner say, or suggest that we walk home along the beach after a fun evening out instead of taking a taxi.

 

Among the first times I did this it was a street party in our city. We strolled ten or fifteen blocks, enjoying the music and food and all that. He had to stop twice to rest (he was 27 and I had just turned 40). It seemed to wake him up a little to how out of shape he was. Not long after that, he asked if he could come running with me one evening. We took it slow and walked/ran the way you do with people who are starting out. Pretty soon he was hooked. He ran with me, we'd take long walks just for fun or to explore our city, stopping here and there for a glass of wine or snack. He bought a gorgeous bike and started cycling to work, and then started goign on long cycles outside the city. Naturally, my physical attraction to him increased as he got fit and it was win-win.

 

The point is, those who say you can bring him along *with* you are correct. If he's got the will to do it, and you've got the patience to help then it can work out very well.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Poppygoodwill

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'll never understand about this world not accepting the reality of basically life.

 

Chances are, if you have dated more than 5 people...with a high degree of confidence I can say that you did not meet those persons "requirements" of attractiveness.

 

Yes, yes...you, the "attraction is subjective" or "If she/he is with me, he must love me/find me attractive and want to be with me" but unfortunately in the real world that could not be farther from the truth...in fact, most people are lenient in terms of these requirements due to fear and loneliness, lack of confidence and/or dating options.

 

It's must simpler to try and transport a friendship into a "relationship" with someone you already know and have a good rapport/communication base with...after all, isn't that what it is all about for some people? not EXACTLY based on looks? is it your HIGHEST priority?

 

So being that is the case that most people protest, and most people claim not to be "shallow" or superficial...then it's easy to understand and accept that a person would be with someone whom they did not find attractive enough or was a bit overweight or even whatever else to their liking or satisfaction.

 

But people love to push these kinds of scenarios, especially when there's no other options when you have something with "potential" sitting right there. At the end of the day the reality is, people rather be with SOMEONE than be alone.

 

And yet another example here is when people go on first dates and they did not find their partner attractive...which is a very popular scenario for women, as if you ask them in public how many guys they find attractive that are passing by...based on attraction alone it's likely going to be zero.

 

So for many women, a lot of it has to do with these other things...like for example;

 

- He makes me feel "special"

- He seems really into me, and doesn't play "games"...aka genuine

- I feel I can trust him and his is "loyal"...which is like on every woman's list when looking for a man

- He gives me the attention and "love" that I need

 

Now if you ask me, half of these women aren't even that interested in the man more than they are interested in what he has to give her...and yes, in the beginning she can be over the moon and she is swept away with the "hopes and dreams" of an idealistic-imaginary life together...but like in all things "perfect"..in time, the cracks start to show and that's when you have to deal with the reality...the "uncertainty"...not that this stops a lot of women, in fact many women are not big gamblers in the dating/love world, they'd rather cash in that prize than go for the big prize...something is better than nothing.

 

So IMO..it's the oh so few who actually get someone with that attractiveness desire as well as the personality and everything else you are with that person...for most people IMO, it's a trade-off, a compromise of what you can and cannot get..or are willing to try for...much much more often than it just being the "one". Which many people don't even believe in being "in love", "the one" or have expectations beyond the practical and very boring "perks" of being in just about any relationship...once they are in, that's all they know or care about, the brain doesn't function in thinking beyond that point.

 

You cannot change the fatty, you either accept it or you don't....much like everything else in relationships, or you do what many people do, you simply "compromise" with yourself.

[BluEyeL]

I'll never understand about this world not accepting the reality of basically life.

 

Chances are, if you have dated more than 5 people...with a high degree of confidence I can say that you did not meet those persons "requirements" of attractiveness.

 

Yes, yes...you, the "attraction is subjective" or "If she/he is with me, he must love me/find me attractive and want to be with me" but unfortunately in the real world that could not be farther from the truth...in fact, most people are lenient in terms of these requirements due to fear and loneliness, lack of confidence and/or dating options.

 

It's must simpler to try and transport a friendship into a "relationship" with someone you already know and have a good rapport/communication base with...after all, isn't that what it is all about for some people? not EXACTLY based on looks? is it your HIGHEST priority?

 

So being that is the case that most people protest, and most people claim not to be "shallow" or superficial...then it's easy to understand and accept that a person would be with someone whom they did not find attractive enough or was a bit overweight or even whatever else to their liking or satisfaction.

 

But people love to push these kinds of scenarios, especially when there's no other options when you have something with "potential" sitting right there. At the end of the day the reality is, people rather be with SOMEONE than be alone.

 

And yet another example here is when people go on first dates and they did not find their partner attractive...which is a very popular scenario for women, as if you ask them in public how many guys they find attractive that are passing by...based on attraction alone it's likely going to be zero.

 

So for many women, a lot of it has to do with these other things...like for example;

 

- He makes me feel "special"

- He seems really into me, and doesn't play "games"...aka genuine

- I feel I can trust him and his is "loyal"...which is like on every woman's list when looking for a man

- He gives me the attention and "love" that I need

 

Now if you ask me, half of these women aren't even that interested in the man more than they are interested in what he has to give her...and yes, in the beginning she can be over the moon and she is swept away with the "hopes and dreams" of an idealistic-imaginary life together...but like in all things "perfect"..in time, the cracks start to show and that's when you have to deal with the reality...the "uncertainty"...not that this stops a lot of women, in fact many women are not big gamblers in the dating/love world, they'd rather cash in that prize than go for the big prize...something is better than nothing.

 

So IMO..it's the oh so few who actually get someone with that attractiveness desire as well as the personality and everything else you are with that person...for most people IMO, it's a trade-off, a compromise of what you can and cannot get..or are willing to try for...much much more often than it just being the "one". Which many people don't even believe in being "in love", "the one" or have expectations beyond the practical and very boring "perks" of being in just about any relationship...once they are in, that's all they know or care about, the brain doesn't function in thinking beyond that point.

 

You cannot change the fatty, you either accept it or you don't....much like everything else in relationships, or you do what many people do, you simply "compromise" with yourself.

 

I read a book that showed that, statistically, you can only get 3 wishes for traits in a mate ("must haves"), otherwise it becomes mathematically impossible to find one. You have to use your 'wishes" right. Conventional physical attractiveness is not a wise way to use those wishes if you want a long term relationship because physical attraction declines in time at a sharper rate than liking. You get used to the best model looking person and anyway, in 20 years they'll not be all that hot anymore anyway.

 

Now, if you use your wishes wise, it could happen that the partner is also physically attractive to start with, but that's not what you should put as a "must have". And yes, it is a trade off, we are not in a fairytale land.

[xxoo]

A partner doesn't have to be your physical ideal to be very attractive to you. The problem here is that you aren't attracted, and that's a HUGE problem.

 

Looks are not necessarily a good priority. Sexual attraction is. Being clear about the difference helps in choosing the best partner.

[LoveRefreshed]

As a man, who once weighed 295 lbs, now weight 245, and my lowest 220 since I was 16, and am continuing to lose weight at a steady rate, I find your lack of belief that a fat person can lose and maintain a healthy weight is a bit lacking perspective.

 

It shocks me, as most of you probably aren't fat, to sit here and talk about the limitations of people changing and overcoming problems that you've never faced.

 

It's rare that a one fat person is going to turn into a crazed health nut and develop a six pack, but reaching a body type that is in your range of attractiveness is quite possible.

 

The reason I suggested the "health" avenue, is that what did it for me. I met someone I wanted to spend my life with and I wanted to make it as long as possible. I started having some slight health concerns related to me weight and knew that it would rob me of my precious time in this world. I read about literature and my girlfriend supported me by asking me to run, day in and day out. "tired from work" was not an excuse and she didn't get mad at me for not going, but she would call me on my bull****. She would motivate me. You can't say do it for me, but you can point out the reasons that he would want to internalize this battle. feeling better, more confident, better quality of life, having energy, etc...

 

Anyway, if it is the only thing bugging you, then I would try to motivate him. However, if it is among other things, just break it off.

[Snowman219]

Four months is a long time to be dating someone before realizing you're not attracted to them. Usually it only takes a couple dates to come to that conclusion. I wonder why this didn't come up earlier?

 

Some people feel forced into doing stuff they don't want to do. I get made fun of on a daily basis about how I'm single. I almost literally want to walk up to anyone and just ask them to be my girlfriend even if I'm not attracted to them just to make people shut up already. Society is a cult and brainwashing is standard practice.