Confronted wife about cheating

[agoodperson]

Stay strong and do what's best for you and your kids.

 

Does your wife work? Who's paying for her apartment?

 

She works, but she will have to pay about a 1,000 per month for child support and 1200 for rent. She clears about 3000 a month so you can see when you put in her other bills, she will be toast. No more eating eat, no more shopping, no more botox, no more expensive vacations, no more anything! Let Mr house foreclosure come and pay for it all...she's his mess now.

 

Side question...should I let him know that I have been nailing her all week? (Basically let the guy know she cheated on him after telling him we were done?...it stopped once I found out she cheated) My thought is that she loses everything. I actually yelled at the guy and he swore never to talk to her again. Which he hasn't done in 2 days. But she keeps trying to get a hold of him. It is weird to see her fight so hard for him but give me up like yesterday's lunch.

[beach]

She works, but she will have to pay about a 1,000 per month for child support and 1200 for rent. She clears about 3000 a month so you can see when you put in her other bills, she will be toast. No more eating eat, no more shopping, no more botox, no more expensive vacations, no more anything! Let Mr house foreclosure come and pay for it all...she's his mess now.

 

Side question...should I let him know that I have been nailing her all week? (Basically let the guy know she cheated on him after telling him we were done?...it stopped once I found out she cheated) My thought is that she loses everything. I actually yelled at the guy and he swore never to talk to her again. Which he hasn't done in 2 days. But she keeps trying to get a hold of him. It is weird to see her fight so hard for him but give me up like yesterday's lunch.

 

Don't tell him anything.

 

She's acted so trashy and you should feel lucky to get away with a clean break.

 

Get court papers signed.

 

And get tested for diseases - you could easily have contracted something from her.

 

I'm not sure why you'd reconsider taking her back at this stage - she's been acting gross and not a good role model for your kids!

 

Stop protecting her. When asked - be honest about her bad behavior.

 

She's not the wife/mother you thought she was. The woman you thought she was is gone forever! No need to waste more time/energy on the stranger she's become.

 

She's selfish and completely self absorbed - only capable of considering her own self.

 

Your kids might be better off not being exposed that much to her toxic new self = consider her not having visitation so much.

 

Start making decisions that protect you.

 

Have you moved money to your name only? Closed ALL credit cards? Changed the locks and garage door access codes to the house? If not, do it immediately!!!

 

She can learn to take care of herself. You need to look out for yourself and the kids now - be honest with them about why she's changed.

 

And get tested now for diseases.

[Ralph79]

She works, but she will have to pay about a 1,000 per month for child support and 1200 for rent. She clears about 3000 a month so you can see when you put in her other bills, she will be toast. No more eating eat, no more shopping, no more botox, no more expensive vacations, no more anything! Let Mr house foreclosure come and pay for it all...she's his mess now.

 

Side question...should I let him know that I have been nailing her all week? (Basically let the guy know she cheated on him after telling him we were done?...it stopped once I found out she cheated) My thought is that she loses everything. I actually yelled at the guy and he swore never to talk to her again. Which he hasn't done in 2 days. But she keeps trying to get a hold of him. It is weird to see her fight so hard for him but give me up like yesterday's lunch.

 

Dude, it's over. You're in the clear and free. What do you care what she does with the guy anymore?

 

What do you gain from keeping them apart?

 

You do realize your life from this point on should be focused on how good you can make it for yourself and your kids... not how miserable you can make it for her right?

 

Take the high road. It's over. You don't need to humiliate her further.

[ralfgarnett]

"Side question...should I let him know that I have been nailing her all week"?

 

 

Yeh if you can tell him, you will probably ruin their relationship, this will teach her a cold stark lesson when she finds she is all alone with neither of you to fall back on, that will give her a good slap in the face and that is the very least the cheating harlet deserves for what she has done to you and the kids, whatever you choose good luck mate.

[agoodperson]

"Side question...should I let him know that I have been nailing her all week"?

 

 

Yeh if you can tell him, you will probably ruin their relationship, this will teach her a cold stark lesson when she finds she is all alone with neither of you to fall back on, that will give her a good slap in the face and that is the very least the cheating harlet deserves for what she has done to you and the kids, whatever you choose good luck mate.

 

I did write him and tell him that we ****ed multiple times last week. Why? I don't really know. But I feel better and that is what I'm doing g for now on. Helping me do what I need to do to heal. I'm a guy who is tired of keeping it all bottled up.

 

Do i want her back. Not the woman she has become. I am fully iimplementing the 180 plan. I am packing her belongings up and getting on with my life. I have dropped from 213 lbs to 185 lbs in a month. (6'3'') I was in great shape but now I feel as though I am dying slowly. I can't eat or sleep and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel as everyone here suggests. You all help with your comments and I take the advice to heart, but the pain is starting to get to me.

Edited February 1, 2015 by agoodperson

[Yasuandio]

Well, you got it off your chest, and it is done, so the guy knows. It may or may not make any difference to him. Plus she can deny it. It matters to you, really in one way when it comes down to it - focus on the concept of revenge for a moment.

 

We all feel it when we get screwed over in this way. We want to get even. I had a huge idea to get even through exposing a truth about my former spouse (much more damaging than yours). I took it up with my pastor. I am not an excessively a religious person, but I am a decent person. When I told the Past of my evil reveal ( every bit of it completely true), his advice to me was this: Vengeance is for God.

 

I understood that. And I am glad I did not carry out that "reveal" as it would have humiliated my former spouse among his associates, friends, family and customers. This is not a lesson you want to teach your children. And you cannot un-ring a bell on a matter such as the one I was contemplating. [Just a side bar in case the urge strikes you again].

 

I think you did the right thing. I think now you must project neutrality and phase thru the anger stage with as much grace as possible. Your health is obviously suffering to drop so much weight in such a short period (it's called the divorce diet). I would advise getting into the MD right away because your kids need you strong. I'm not a fan of exercise, but that may be what you need to bring back any muscle mass you have lost, and I bet you would like it. Since I'm a recluse I feel like a hipocrite telling you to hit the gym, but that is what a lot of people do - especially men. You can also get equipment for your home, like I have. Goodwill has gym equipment all the time dirt cheap (check the stores periodicly in the richer areas).

 

You will get through this. But do not look at her or talk to her. Get a third party involved in transporting kids for visits, for the first 3 months of NC. Let 3rd party do communication with her no you can avoid LC. You will heal faster. Get all her crap out of there, everything. Turn it into a man and kid cave. ZERO her out, ASAP. That's my opinion. Yas

[Biere123]

I did write him and tell him that we ****ed multiple times last week. Why? I don't really know. But I feel better and that is what I'm doing g for now on. Helping me do what I need to do to heal. I'm a guy who is tired of keeping it all bottled up.

 

Do i want her back. Not the woman she has become. I am fully iimplementing the 180 plan. I am packing her belongings up and getting on with my life. I have dropped from 213 lbs to 185 lbs in a month. (6'3'') I was in great shape but now I feel as though I am dying slowly. I can't eat or sleep and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel as everyone here suggests. You all help with your comments and I take the advice to heart, but the pain is starting to get to me.

 

No offense, but why are you so concerned about sex with her when she was probably thinking of him? Swallow your pride, admit failure, and move on.

[aliveagain]

Update...I finally took your advice and grew a set. I have followed her cell phone calls on the Verizon website. She called him again when she had the kids and that was the last straw. I told her...no...I demanded a divorce immediately. She agreed. I let loose on her like I have never done in 17 years. Called her out for what she is. Told her that she is. All she was worried about was if I would tell the kids she ****ed someone over Christmas and that is why she wasn't home. Selfishness yo the bitter end. I stormed out of the house and told her that the nice husband is dead and now she gets to see what it is like to be hurt. I told the kids we r definitely getting divorced and mommy doesn't want to come home ever. They are teens and we'll aware of her changed nature and they all hate it. They don't want to go to her crappy apartment, but I told them she loves them and has a legal right to see them based on our child care agreement. Th hey didn't care. Lol. My oldest son suspects another man, but I am shielding them from the gross acts she has committed.

 

Friend, stop protecting her, she fired you from that position. If you want her fog to lift give her reality. Expose her to anyone that has influence over her including her parents after all they will want to protect their grandchildren. Do not lie to your older children to protect her because they may blame you for lying later on. Make sure you listen to your lawyer specially if you are in a fault state and you want to put some pressure on her POS boyfriend. If he has no money he probably was looking to her for his financial salvation. Chances are he will run when threatened with an Alienation of Affection suit. This is a war, it's two against one, she tells him everything and together decide her next move. Preserve your fortune, everything she takes from you will go to build her new nest with O/M and his 3 children, your children will suffer.

 

Sometimes the fog lifts when they see the divorce documents delivered to their place of work, specially if it states Adultery as the cause and names O/M in the document. You have drawn your line in the sand, don't move it.

[oldshirt]

[/b]

 

Friend, stop protecting her, she fired you from that position. If you want her fog to lift give her reality. Expose her to anyone that has influence over her including her parents after all they will want to protect their grandchildren. Do not lie to your older children to protect her because they may blame you for lying later on. Make sure you listen to your lawyer specially if you are in a fault state and you want to put some pressure on her POS boyfriend. If he has no money he probably was looking to her for his financial salvation. Chances are he will run when threatened with an Alienation of Affection suit. This is a war, it's two against one, she tells him everything and together decide her next move. Preserve your fortune, everything she takes from you will go to build her new nest with O/M and his 3 children, your children will suffer.

 

Sometimes the fog lifts when they see the divorce documents delivered to their place of work, specially if it states Adultery as the cause and names O/M in the document. You have drawn your line in the sand, don't move it.

 

 

I agree with much of this above.

 

There is no need to tell your children gruesome details but they do need to know the truth of why their parents are splitting up. It's an obligation actually because children's minds work in funny ways. Even teenagers can find a way to blame themselves and think that it is something they did that caused the marital strife. They will also be vulnerable to rumors and speculations by friends and neighbors and will also be vulnerable to manipulation a of the facts by her and her family.

 

That is a hard necessity of divorce, but the kids do need to be brought into the loop on why their parents are splitting and you should make no agreements, negotiations or concessions with her regarding that fact. I don't care if she promises you the Crown Jewels in blood writing, the kids need to be aware of the truth of their home being divided. They don't need to about what her tongue and her left hand were doing last Friday night but they do need to know the truth of why their parents are splitting.

 

You can negotiate that both of you are there to tell them together but make no compromises on the facts or the context.

 

You need to give her parents and family the straight scoop too. In fact give them copies of any txts, emails, Facebook msgs, phone logs etc so they can see with their own eyes that she is not an niño pent victim or circumstances and that you are not the bad guy here. They are going to support her and stand by her of course and they may even try to blame you for her cheating, but they need to know the truth so that they do not try to contaminate your relationship with your children and try to heparin wash them into thinking that you are the bad guy her.

 

The truth is going to hurt her and cause her grief and discomfort, but that is simply the result and consequences from her actions. dont try to shield her from the fallout of her own actions.

 

 

In regards to telling the OM that you banged her - I don't know if it really matters one way or another. As far as I'm concerned go ahead and tell him she did that little thing with you that he really likes and thank him for teaching her that - you really liked it. Then tell him you made her cum 5 times with your tongue and right index finger and teach him that trick.

 

Then give him the kids' morning schedule and the times they need to catch the bus and when they need picked up from ball practice and tell him about any meds, allergies and psych problems. That will probably do more to send him packing than anything else.

 

....but if he is sincere and their relationship is legit and they do end up together, he's gonna need to know that stuff anyway so go ahead and bring him into the loop on the child are role he is going to be playing.

 

The thing here is, none of this stuff is vengeance or revenge or dirty tactics. It's just part and parcel of cheating on your spouse and getting divorced. This just goes with the territory. These are some of the things that just naturally occur due to a divorce from infidelity. You are not a bad guy here. You are just dealing with the situation you were placed in.

[Ralph79]

There is no need to tell your children gruesome details but they do need to know the truth of why their parents are splitting up.

 

They don't need to about what her tongue and her left hand were doing last Friday night but they do need to know the truth of why their parents are splitting.

 

I agree with this sentiment 100%

 

You need to give her parents and family the straight scoop too. In fact give them copies of any txts, emails, Facebook msgs, phone logs etc so they can see with their own eyes that she is not an niño pent victim or circumstances and that you are not the bad guy here. They are going to support her and stand by her of course and they may even try to blame you for her cheating, but they need to know the truth so that they do not try to contaminate your relationship with your children and try to heparin wash them into thinking that you are the bad guy her.

 

I respectfully disagree completely with this. If I were her parents, and he came with all those documents you stated proving her infidelity, I would sit him down, listen to him, express my sincere condolences and right after he walked out the door I would burn everything, and never welcome him back.

 

It's a problem between them. Her parents have nothing to do with it. It would really make him seem petty and bitter. She made a bad choice and stuck with it. That doesn't mean she deserves to be treated like garbage. Her parents will protect her no matter what, so trying to convince them of anything is really pointless. Let him worry about his kids, his friends, and his family.

 

In regards to telling the OM that you banged her - I don't know if it really matters one way or another.

 

Again, I really don't think a guy who left his wife for this woman who was also married is going to care what she did in bed with her husband. They both have already shown to have very little moral values for it to matter. I think it's actually counterproductive. They'd probably just laugh about it.

[nightmare01]

Do i want her back. Not the woman she has become.

 

I'm of the opinion that the person we thought our WS was, actually never existed. They were pretending with us, and the affair exposes them as who and what they really are. Now that you know who she is, do you want THAT person in your life?

 

People say they can change, but I think that who we really are never changes, all we can do is alter habits.

 

As for protecting her - I think you are doing that. You are protecting your kids from finding out what a slug their mother was / is. Maybe you don't want to ruin their childhood memories?

[FireandIce007]

Please take this from a woman that stepped out on her H..If she can't decide at this very moment that she wants you and only you than please pick your head up and walk away from this. File for divorce and know that however painful this may be that its the best decision you can make for you and your kids right now. She's confused and is torn between you both. If she was truly dedicated she would leave him and dedicate herself to you 100% and she isn't. She still wants her cake and eat it to. I can only imagine how unbelievably hard this must be, especially with children involved but its not going to work if its only you that is fully invested. I wish you the best and know that things will get better after the storm. Sending you hugs...

[MajorOak]

^^^^^ yes a man hug from me also.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

I respectfully disagree completely with this. If I were her parents, and he came with all those documents you stated proving her infidelity, I would sit him down, listen to him, express my sincere condolences and right after he walked out the door I would burn everything, and never welcome him back.

 

It's a problem between them. Her parents have nothing to do with it. It would really make him seem petty and bitter. She made a bad choice and stuck with it. That doesn't mean she deserves to be treated like garbage. Her parents will protect her no matter what, so trying to convince them of anything is really pointless. Let him worry about his kids, his friends, and his family.

 

 

 

 

Opinions are always going to differ but I do believe informing the WS's family of the cold hard facts with indisputable proof is an important part of process that is going to have to be done at some point.

 

Yes they are going to support and stand by their little girl and yes they will take something the wrong way and they may even turn their backs on the BS completely, but a divorce is going to directly impact them as well and is going to greatly impact the lives of their grandchildren.

 

Again they don't need the porno images or a laundry list of the specific acts that were carried out, but it is important for them to know the real reason for the separation.

 

Even in cases where the couple is trying to R, informing the WS family is an important part of that process (the BS should NOT inform his/her family if R is being attempted because the BS family will fight the R.). The WS family will typically support the R and the R needs all the help and support it can get.

 

The BS has a right to protect their name and honor in these situations and have a right to make sure the WS knows the facts regardless of whether they want to keep the BS in their lives or not.

 

Having parents and family find out about the WS bad behavior and that behavior being the cause of the break up of the family is simply one of the risks a WS assumes when they slip into bed with someone else. No one should ever imply or agree to not informing the WS family of why the break up is taking place.

 

I think it should just be an assumption and understanding between spouses that if one commits infidelity, that their family will be informed as why that marriage is dissolving.

 

It should be assumption, not a negotiation point.

[Friskyone4u]

Congratulations on holding your ground. As others have said , she want to cake eat and have a husband and a boyfriend. Get to your attorney asap.

The biggest mistake you can make right now is if he throws her under the bus to allow her to make you Plan B. She has made her choice and further disrespected you by having the nerve to tell you she still wants to have her boyfriend too. As painful as it is, when you look back and realize what was in store for you if you begged and pleaded you will be aware you made a courageous and correct decision.

With what she has told you you face years of looking over your shoulder and in detective mode.

She made her bed. Let her lie in it.

Do what everyone has told you . File for divorce before she can .

[Bryanp]

You need to get tested for STD's.

[road]

The kids need to be told mom had an affair and who the OM is.

[Ralph79]

Opinions are always going to differ but I do believe informing the WS's family of the cold hard facts with indisputable proof is an important part of process that is going to have to be done at some point.

Like you said , it's a matter of opinion. I didn't have kids so I really had no reason to ever drive out of town to see my ex or her family ever again. So I understand his situation is different.

 

No one should ever imply or agree to not informing the WS family of why the break up is taking place.

Again, it's a matter of opinion on this subject. While I agree that we have to defend our honor if it ever comes into question, I for one believe that how we live our lives after the Divorce speaks volumes more than anything we can say during the process to anyone. People who cheat eventually pay the price in the end. I for one will let life take care of that for me.

 

 

Now, all this aside, from what I've been reading, I get the feeling that the OP still wants to fix things with his wife, because:

 

a) He confronted her about the affair evidence, that everyone in the forum advised him to keep secret. [Granted, his therapist? I believe told him to confront her, so he chose to do so, hoping to get her back.]

b) He gave her an ultimatum to leave this guy. 24 hours. Again hoping she'd say yes.

c) He confronted the OM. Threaten him so he would leave her alone, hoping he could force them to break contact.

d) Gave the OM intimate details regarding sexual activities with his wife hoping it would cause a ripple in their relationship. He claimed he didn't know why he did that on his post, but it's kinda obvious that he was hoping that with the OM out of the picture she comes back to him.

 

Lashing out at his wife doesn't mean the relationship is over. We all know that. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. It's just my opinion. But if this is the case, then my basic message is:

 

1. She's not worth YOUR time. Every poster here can't be wrong.

 

2. If you insist on getting back because you love her still, (And nobody here can blame you if you do, it's only human), then don't do anything you're going to regret. Telling her parents, friends, co-workers, basically anyone outside of the love triangle, is going to work against that goal (if that is your goal).

 

You took a huge step in holding your ground. And I agree with Friskyone4u & Bryanp: Don't let her creep back into your life with a simply I'm sorry just because the guy dumps her. And get tested. Have you done so already? I remember people suggesting this many days ago.

[fellini]

Well, I for one think all this machistic He-man grow a pair is just what it is... leftovers from the men's movement. You want to go alpha, join a club and go beat some drums in a forest somewhere.

 

What your wife did to you IN SPITE of the "expert advice" from a poster here, she did for herself.

 

Your wife, regardless of the "expert advice" about becoming Steven Segal did what she did FOR HER, not AGAINST YOU and definitely NOT BECAUSE you were some kind of BETA male. That is pure crap and the only reason you aren't hearing it is because this swan song of ALPHA MALE prevents WW has been going on for weeks now in LS and people have said their thing about it and aren't going to get back into that ridiculous debate.

 

Your wife committed infidelity because it is what she wanted for herself.

 

Being ALPHA MALE with BRASS BALLS would not have prevented your wife from straying because she wasn't straying - from her perspective - from you, she was straying from HERSELF.

 

So now you have your answer: She probably hasn't even made up her mind, you more or less have told her not to choose. Fine enough. As long as you are happy with that decision. FINE.

 

But recognize there is another side to this issue: She was in love with 2 men? Possibly, what is certain is she WAS IN 2 RELATIONSHIPS. Not choosing was allowing her to do so.

 

My WW was doing the same. Going through life in 2 relationships. It took her 2 hours to say she chose the marriage. But how is that supposed to happen, rationally, if you are in two relationships? It doesn't. Any pressure anyone puts on anyone to decide means the decision is not necessarily a genuine one. So when my WW said she would end her A, I later understood this to mean she choose our M over her A but not for the reasons I was wanting. Panic, seeing that her image was going to be dragged through the mud, thinking about her family, breaking up her marriage... whatever. These are the things that come to mind. You cannot ask someone in 2 relationships to choose 1 and think that player 2 is severed. This was never going to happen. Just as you needed time to recover from finding out your W has done what she has done the WS also needs time to get over the AP. It's just a fact of being in two relationships. Nothing about your WW's story is unique.

 

So here you are now with what you feel you can live with. I hope it works out for you. Because it sounded to me like you actually loved your wife - truly loved her. You heard about her A, and it broke you. Understood. I've been there. But then within days of this, you force a decision, and now your wife is a f--king slut? a whore? Really? Had she chosen you, would she be less a whore? less a slut? No one here in LS knows your wife from a hole in the ground but some here seem to think your wife is their WS. That's their problem. Asking your wife to choose is not the problem. Negotiating with her while she hasn't chosen definitely is a problem. This doesn't involve "growing a pair" this is basic self respect. You cannot negotiate with someone who is negotiating with someone else for the same.

 

I'm hoping you find peace, really, because it seems to me this whole thing escalated rapidly and has really isn't being driven by you at all. It's been driven by anger, resentment, verbal abuse, revenge seeking - all the good characteristics of two adults working out a serious serious issue in their lives.

 

Hey, maybe it is better that the two of you split. But man, if this is the way I chose to do it, I'd wouldn't be asking myself about how my WW had changed, I'd be asking myself about why I decided that becoming somewhat of an arse - or not behave the way I really am - because some guy on LS brow beat me to grow a pair of brass balls and stake out my neanderthal rights as Alpha male - I'd be worried more about me than her. I hope when the dust settles you feel good about how this all went down. That's all.

Edited February 3, 2015 by fellini

[Broom]

4 weeks and she is still "processing" everything? Yeah, sounds like she is probably spending this month with her AP and barely thinking about you.

[atreides]

I do concur though being steady and firm is the way to go if reconciling but i think it is well beyond that point. Many here have their experiences with betrayal and more than not, being firm has helped the betrayed gain control and help themselves with the situation.

 

That said and to temper the former, I also agree regarding Alpha/beta speak, has nothing to do with her cheating. Cheating is an addiction and she did it for herself as all addicts do. Moreover, cheating has nothing to do with love despite how hard waywards like to argue. There is no love going on here at the moment until the "high" wears off. I think most here though are arguing the "alpha" as "an action" on how to handle her post her cheating in giving you the control.

 

Setting the choice as you did in my opinion is what is needed. It however did not work out and it does not always but she has to take the step given the choice whether it is "genuine" at that point or not is moot. Her "high" has to wear off first and then and only then does her work need to begin to earn you back and thus you have "genuine" remorse hopefully or a clearer picture of what she wants to do with the marriage.

 

I however disagree with one poster. I have lived though too much to say "not" to tell her parents. You however don't tell them to belittle her, but to simply say why the divorce is happening because of it and you wish them the best. They will have sympathy for a while for you but will always back their daughter. That is given, but her infidelity should be revealed. As for your kids, my in-laws told theirs and it helped explain all the questions they had rather than having them guess that they may have contributed.

 

There are many opinions here on LS, don't beat yourself up over your actions. Sending strength.

Edited February 3, 2015 by atreides

[Buckeye2]

OP, you are receiving great advice here and many of the posters obviously care about you and your situation. I would tell your kids that mom has a boyfriend. If they want any greater detail (like why she wasn’t there for Christmas) tell them to ask their mom.

[Ralph79]

I think the whole Alpha Male talk from "expert advice" has been blown out of proportion. There is a difference between acting like a d*ck "Alpha Male" and having dignity and self respect.

 

Is it possible for someone to be in love with 2 people? Yes. It usually happens when they have to choose between 2 BF's or GF's.

 

However I cannot find any way of justifying or excusing a SPOUSE to be involved with another person, no matter how you spin it. If you have been a good spouse and have children and made a commitment to your family for years, I really can't accept that you have to EVER be put in a position where your SPOUSE (not a GF/BF), needs to be given time by you because someone else came into the picture. What's the point of getting married then!?

 

It happens. I agree. And sometimes (depending on the circumstances), it can be a forgivable offense. But to say that the WS needs to be given time to chose as if to imply that this is somehow acceptable is really misguided in my opinion. I wholeheartedly disagree.

 

We're human. We can make mistakes. Affairs happen and people can be forgiven depending on the circumstances. The OP was deceived. Was told he was the problem. Helped her get a new place nearby as was her wishes. His wife left him to be with the other man and never told him. There is another thread he started where this is explained and we see him move from shock , to despair and then misery, only to find out the reason she has been horrible to him is for the sake of being with the other man she's "also in love with".

 

I'm sorry. I can accept an extra martial affair when it happens it the blink of an eye, and there wasn't much thought to it. Excessive amount of time with a co-worker. A past fling suddenly meeting you when the family is away. Something that catches your spouse off guard. However planning for weeks? Moving to your own place to be with the OM/OW with complete privacy at the expense of your spouse? ... Allowing the affair to become a relationship when you are married and have kids is the utmost disrespect you can show your SPOUSE. If you are the WS you might as well flush your spouse down the toilet since that's were you put the relationship with the person you are "also in love with" (yeah right).

 

I agree with @fellini that his spouse is not a whore, and I'm against her being treated like garbage. She made a choice to be unfaithful. The real crime here was her intent on putting the blame on him when this was going on. I'm also against the OP doing stuff he's going to regret later.

 

But I repeat what I said on my opening statement. Dignity and Self Respect aren't just words. They are important in every human being. It really seemed like his spouse was testing the limits of his tolerance. And if he didn't draw the line somewhere, he was going to be hurt even further.

 

@Buckeye2

That is the best advice in this whole thread. (Thumbs up).

[Spectre]

Why do you want a woman who cheats on you in your life?

[agoodperson]

Update for those that are following this. It was a hard weekend. She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that. She has started to apologize to me in a very sincere way and has asked for forgiveness. We have been talking for the last two days and just hanging out talking. I am one to cut right to the chase and get the issues out into the open. I told her our marriage is dead. She agreed. I told her that we would need to start a new marriage if she really wanted to be with me. (This meant getting a divorce and remarriage) she felt that would be great for her. My point in this v is that if she truly loved me, she wouldn't want the divorce and would ask to just get counselling. Today we talked and she told me that she definitely doesn't want a divorce and she realizes how much she loves me and that she was a fool for what she did. Keep in mind she is a very beautiful woman who could have almost any man. So telling her that she could be free to go to the other man, made it very real for her. She let her heart talk and she said that my passion and fight is what she missed for the last few years and that my renewed fight cleared her fog and she realizes she ****ed up. We are not doing anything but hanging out at this point and seeing the chemistry between us. It has been very strong and grows by the day. For those that say being a hard ass pays off, I will use my experience to show that being determined and passionate can also pay off. This is not some street hooker, she is the mother of my 3 children. This the woman who helped hold me when I almost died and waited on me hand and foot when I was almost paralyzed from a major spinal injury. She has been there for me for 16 years. But, these last few months, she wasn't there and I was to blind to see she needed me. It is a 2 way street in a relationship. I by no means excuse what she did, but I do forgive her. No person is free from imperfections. She has finally seen the light is going to counselling tomorrow and we have decided to make this work or at least try to. Will it work out in the? I feel in my heart that it will. We have agreed to move a really slow pace and see where it takes us. The fact that she hugs me and doesn't let go for an hour shows me signs of the woman I met 17 years ago. She is writing a closure letter to the OM stating her new feelings towards me and ending all contact with him forever. She has deleted all pictures and writings as I have asked her to do. This was her own decision and one that gave me what I needed to grant her a shot at reconciliation. I will post another update down the road and let you know how it is going. I did not use the 180 method, but my method worked in a matter of a few days after she moved out.